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Anyone else out there like me?

imwiththedj's picture

Hi all... really new here so any help or advice is really appreciated!

Just wondering if there's anyone else out there in a similar to me? I'm the long-term partner (LTP?) to a man with two daughters (see my profile). We're not married and don't live together, but I'm deeply involved in the family and family-life, keep my own flat but spend about 5 nights a week at his and contribute to the household. I also gladly take on responsibility with his daughters. The elder one works with us and is often my assistant on side projects, and I am a caregiver to the younger one and am increasingly involved in her school life too.

I'm not a SP in name, and feel that a SP comes with things that I don't have in my situation, i.e. the assumptions or being taken seriously that seems to come along with being married. However, I still am a long-term partner and caregiver and though I don't have biological children of my own, I'm trained in working with kids and am accustomed to living with and caring for them.

Anyone else in that SM but not-quite-SM situation?

confused86's picture

I am. My SO and I live together but we aren't married. We have the skids EOW (except in summer, then it's M&W evenings and EOWE). I'm the main person who cooks in the house, my SO and I share the cleaning (sometimes the skids are made to help... but when they "help" it isn't really doing much). I will not be financially responsible for them at all though - they have a mother and a father for that. I would turn into a bitter old hag by the time I turn 30 if I was having to spend my $ on them!!! It's hard enough having to deal w/someone else's children at all... lots of compromising involved!

imwiththedj's picture

I think spending time each day checking who has to do what and how to balance things helps us so far... we divide up the housework etc when we don't have his younger daughter, anyhow so it's not much of a change when she's here except that we have to make sure she cleans up after herself, and that's his job to enforce.

I contribute financially to the household in the sense that I'll pitch in for food and household items that we all use, and then I'll occasionally pitch in financially for things like the younger daughter and I going to the movies or similar, but it's clear what my limits are, and I'm not expected to do anything by the family so I'm free to choose how involved I am. Also, it helps that we don't live together so it's much easier for me to step back and give him and his daughters time to themselves by simply saying that I'll be spending some time at my house across town and I'll be back with them soon.

HungryEyes's picture

Many of us legally married stepmoms are not taken seriously. That's typical of being a 2nd wife and it sucks.

You probably are smart not to be married. It also means you have no legal ramifications of steps. You can walk away anytime.

It sounds like you want to be involved as many of us did at first, but frankly, don't invest too much. Step relationships are hard and step parents tend to give and give and give with no return on investment.

On second hand, with good boundaries in place- it can be done successfully.

imwiththedj's picture

I have no illusions, and don't have any expectations for my steprelationships. With his elder daughter (19yo) things are great, luckily. She's a smart, loving person who is active in growing her relationship with me and is an active part of her younger half-sister's (8yo) life.

Right now the 8yo is problematic for the whole family to start with, so I'm no exception.

We spent and still do spend a lot of time talking about the boundaries and if they're working or should be changed, and checking them pretty regularly so that's good so far...