Stepson spending the Whole Summer!! Help
I am 38 year old woman with 2 sons ages 20 and 17. My 20 yr old has been in Another state with his dad for over 2 yrs. my 17 yr old lives with me, but goes to stay with bio dad and my oldest son in that other state often. I met my fiancé over a yr ago. I knew he had smaller children from the beginning. My issue is, he told me he was going to get his son for the summer (from Philadelphia.. We live in NC) , but never went into details. Just said we would talk about it. We never discussed it, but he went to Philly to take care of other business and came back with his seven year old son. The son walks thru the door and yells out "Hey Stepmom". I almost fainted. Lol. I immediately felt uncomfortable, as this was my first time ever meeting him, however I embraced him. He is a good kid. Has lots of energy, very talkative, and a bed wetter. The 3rd night here , he peed on my brand new couch an lied about it. I was upset, but his father cleaned things up and spoke to him about it. Moving on, I just started back working so out financial situation is not that great. He works but I am the sole provider, due to the hefty child support payments coming out for all kids. My issue is, he got the kid on June 12th and keeping him until the last week in August. U only found out because I seen the text message where the kid's mother asked when he was bringing him back. I'm so mad because he works and expects me to tend to his kid while I just get through the door from work myself. He expects my 17 old to work a later schedule and never work the morning shift, so he can be home with his kid. But my 17 yr old doesn't know this. We NEVER talked about this. I only found out when my son took an earlier shift, my fiancé came to me angry and said he was frustrated and then took the day off work. So we lost money that we don't have. The kid is a growing boy and eats ALOT!!! We can't afford the Whole Summer.. I like his son. But I am not married until September. I feel disrespected because he was making all these arrangements with her but not once did he discuss anything with me. She's not even a real woman because I never heard from her, and she doesn't know me or anything about me. If I were sending my 7 yr old to another state, even with their dad, I need to speak to the woman of the house. I need to let her know what my kid is allergic to, who she is as a person, afterall, ur sending ur young child there.i also feel guilty because we live in another state and he hasn't seen him in almost a year. I'm growing angry everyday because I have to cook everyday and I'm not a summer cooker. I raised 2 boys and their dad's family always had them Every Summer.. I'm also not used to all the energy he has. It's overwhelming. I just feel he should have discussed it with me. Reached some common ground. I need some advice as to how to shorten this Summer visit and speak to him about how he went about this. Please help
He can sense a change in me.
He can sense a change in me. The past 2 wknds, I sat in my room with the door closed!!! He was upset with me.. I didn't tell him why, but it's obvious... I also told the kid to not call me stepmom. To call me Miss (first name). Stepmom sounds so harsh and removed. The kid is a normal kid. No behavior issues, I'm just not feelin the way fiancé went about things. 7 yr olds require a lot of attention. It's his son, he arranged it without my input, I hate cooking in the Summer, and with my grandmother dying less than a month ago, I'm really not in the mood. The kid can stay, as long as his father does Everything for him. It's been 2 weeks already. I'm done.
Hi, how often exactly does
Hi, how often exactly does this son come and stay? Where are the other children you mention? " I knew he had smaller children from the beginning."
How long do you think this child should visit for? What exactly did you understand about your fiancé's visitation rights? Did you actually move in with a man without understanding his arrangements, financial obligations, lack of ability to contribute to your home? How long have you been engaged for? Are there multiple birth mothers?
I'm asking quite a few questions here as you don't clarify. It actually sounds like he see's his son once a year for the summer and this is an issue for you.
All of the asking/ arranging and so forth aside. What exactly should he do with his son? Only take him for 1 week as he now shares a life with you?
I'm glad you are asking me
I'm glad you are asking me these questions. You are absolutely right!! To answer them, 1. I understood that he had younger children. I am a person that NEEDS to know everything. So yes I asked all questions. We met feb 2014 and got engaged feb 2015. Wedding in Oct.. There are 2 mothers (the girls share a mom the boy with another). His visitation is 4 weeks for the summer and they rotate holidays. We live in another state. As far as financial obligation to the household. We pay bills and share household responsibility. As I stated above, I was unemployed for 4 months, so he took financial responsibility for everything.reason why we are in our financial situation. I recently started receiving an income, literally weeks ago.... The daughters are in Philly, and will be down in 2 weeks, staying for 8 days.. And as far as u asking how long he should stay? 4weeks as the court ordered. Any arrangement he made with her after that time frame should have been discussed with me..
Now, my question is this, how do I speak to my fiancé about arrangements being made without my involvement or opinion..? He is a good person, good heart, treats me and my son well. I never want to hurt his feelings and I encourage spending time with the kids. I just feel it could have been communicated better. Imasking for advice because this is new to me.
Just tell him that going
Just tell him that going forward you want input on visitation time outside of the court ordered time. He should be open to that as long as it isn't presented as you not wanting him to have ANY extra time with his kids.
"Honey (insert pet name), I
"Honey (insert pet name), I love that you are so committed to SS. I know you miss him when he's not with you and I'm thrilled at you organizing more time. What plans did you have in mind for him being looked after in the day?"
Take it from there. Try the positive, loving approach. To quote a wonderful therapist on here, use the I statement without being accusatory. For example: "I need you to share these plans with me."
I think expecting him to only see his son for 4 weeks, exactly per the court order and never accept extra time is a tough ask. However in his instance, I think he should have discussed the time frame with you as well as his plans for arranging day care for his son.
As for the urinating and bed wetting, tell your partner to deal with it. Properly. Calling you SM, try a compromise. Maybe a nick name?
How did the man support
How did the man support himself before meeting you. If he figured out a way to pay his bills and CS before you were in the picture, then he damn sure can do it now.
BM doesn't ever have to speak to you. It's not her responsibility to clue you in on the kids's issues. That is his father's job. Why do you need the mom to talk to you about the child when you sleep with the dad every night???? Dad should be able yo give you the exact information you will get from mom. If he can't provide the info, then he isn't much of a man.
How is possible to live with a man and not know his visitation schedule?
Have u read my post?
Have u read my post? Obviously not... Go back n read again.. I'm asking for help. Not asking for an angry person to get in here and rant. If this is all u have to offer. Remove yourself and im asking u to not respond. Good morning and thank u. Furthermore, any real mother would at least want to know the first name of the woman her son will be with for almost 3 months. A real mother would want not only his number, but the house number too. A real woman knows the other woman will more than likely prepare meals n be engaged with the son. So yea, where i come from A REAL WOMAN Calls
Your comment was not there
Your comment was not there when I started typing. I saw it after I posted.
A mother who trusts the man she decided to have a child with, doesn't need to call his SO. I'm pretty sure she knows your name, your son's names and ages...because dad told her.
Not having a BM trying to buddy up to you is a good thing. Having a BM who trust dad to handle things in his home without her input is wonderful.
Ppl are different and was
Ppl are different and was raised differently. I come from a 2 parent home, but my ex husband and myself called it Quits after 12 years and our only 2 kids. He moved to another state, and though he never remarried, he was in a relationship for 10 yrs. my ex is very responsible. He ALWAYS was there for our children, especially us being so young when we had them. I have an open mind and I am not an evil miserable person. I know their dad works 12 hour shifts. I know their dad was not going to be with them 24/7, I knew that if one of my sons got hurt while dad was at work , the WOMAN of the house ( u know, the person that normally handles everything) would be the one caring for my sons. I knew that , she would be the backbone to him, as I am, and all the rest of the women on this forum. I'm sure that's why we are all here venting. It doesn't make the men terrible dad's to not walk in the door and say, : hey honey I have my son with me. He's cool, funny smart., allergic to peanuts, wets the bed, cries un the dark, loves to eat all day, can be annoying at times, prefers soy milk etc. Most men don't even think that deep. When my kids would go visit their dad, it was my duty to show respect to that woman. I didn't want to go on vacation with her, but I knew (even as a young person) they were not her kids. Yes he's there , supporting and in the physical but be Fareal. Just like allllllll these SM on these sites complaining on how the kids misbehave and dad allows it. I would never want my kids to be somewhere acting an ass. I would want to know. I knew my ex more than likely would allow them to do things because he didn't see them often, but it's no excuse. This woman was the one that picked my kids up from the airport. Why hate her? She's in their lives regardless. On the otherhand, I do understand that most ppl are bitter, angry and hateful after a divorce. So I do see it from both sides. I think everyone deserves respect. My kids came first. I didn't give a lick who he was with. I had my kids best interest in mind each time... Period. The ex is still with her, and when I'm in town, with my children we are all cordial. My kids knew not to ever disrespect her. Maybe if some of these miserable BM act like adults, the kids would be more respectful and us SM wouldn't need to go thru this nonsense.
"Everyone is entitled to their opinion"
My 17 yr old does not eat at
My 17 yr old does not eat at home most of the time. He works 30 hrs a week, has a high school sweetheart, his own vehicle, and attend several church events. He also does volunteer work. So he is rarely home. That's why I will not tell him he needs to adjust his schedule to watch his son. Bottom line, his son is not here for me to spend time with.. He's here for HIM.. I don't mean to sound rude or come off like that, but he wants me to jump into action. I haven been around a kid this age in a looooonnnnggg time. It gon take sometime to get used to. The way in thinking, I love him but I raised my kids already. I may not be up for this.. I would not feel right if I was unable to show his kids love. I know it's not fair to them. They are really young.. He's the best man I met in my entire life, but maybe it's the wrong time
Maybe it is the wrong time
Maybe it is the wrong time and place. That's quite a mature approach. If you can't handle a 7 year old and your SO is not a supportive spouse then maybe this isn't the time. Ty talk to him first. Ask him what he would do with his son if you and your kid weren't there.
It is probably too late for
It is probably too late for this year,but next year have dad enroll the kid in day camp. Check around now to get a list of the low cost/free camps in your area. Find our when enrollment opens up and make sure dad is there.
When I lived in NC (Raleigh) the Boys and Girls club and Parks & Rec had dirt cheap summer camps. ($20 per week) If you weren't ready to sign your kid up on day one (usually in February or March)you were out of luck.
I'm sure the kid would rather spend the day in camp playing with kids his age than sitting at home with SM.
Thanks. I am in Raleigh.
Thanks. I am in Raleigh. Relocated here from NYC about 2 years now. I will look into that. I think that's the part that's making me upset. The fact that he is here 24/7. I'm so used to coming home and being home alone for a while, or just jumping in my car n going. Or some me time... He needs activities. I don't bring it up because guess who's gonna be doing the activity? ME. If he was in camp he could release that energy!!!
I'm from NYC (Brooklyn). I
I'm from NYC (Brooklyn). I went to college in Raleigh, lived there 8 years after graduating then moved back to Brooklyn. Small world.
Yes it is a small world.. I'm
Yes it is a small world.. I'm from the BX.. Born and raised. Lived in queens for about 8 yrs... Now I'm here in the south lol. I like it so far. Don't think I will stay in Raleigh Though. Looking into Charlotte once my son graduates in 2017. Thank u for the advise. This is soooo tough. I'm sure u know where I'm coming from. Us city girls have a hard tough exterior ( we have no choice) so we may come across as aggressive rude or mean. Reason why I need advise so I can communicate with my fiancé and not come across as a mean person. I must admit I can come off that way but I'm really just a person that don't sugar coat things with adults
It's tough to not feel
It's tough to not feel communicated with and yet to have the expectation that you are responsible for the person that the SO doesn't communicate with you. I think this is a good time to work through the issue BEFORE you are married. Surprises are never good I don't think as it relates to being a step-mom and step kids. Maybe look into Y camps to see if there is some coverage. I agree re: your son should not have to change his schedule. 100000% not his responsibility.
At first I felt terrible and
At first I felt terrible and was going to ask my son to try not to do that schedule again. After a day I decided against talking to him. My ss is not here for my son, and if he wants my son to watch him everyday, he should pay him as he would anyone else. He's a 17 yr old kid working and enjoying his summer... My son stays locked in his room because he is used to just he and I being that my oldest is in TN. So the ss is annoying to him. My son is not a sociable person with kids... I'm so upset right now I'm literally ready to leave and don't look back. I love him but I deserve someone who will communicate with me on important issues
Get this... I just got home
Get this... I just got home from a long days work. ss asleep on the couch and fiancé in the bed. I have loads of laundry to do and been up since he left for work at 3am and instead of getting back to bed, I went to work at 7am. Literally just got home and he's in the bed asleep as if he's the only one that worked. I sit on the other couch an guess who wakes up and 5 mins later asking for snacks? ss. Smh I had a half of mind to tell him to go wake his dad, but I don't want to be petty or take it out on the kid. He's innocent. I really want to fix this before I resent this kid.. I also need help for him to load the laundry in the car (my son is at work) but at this point. I won't even wake him and will load it myself. If I wake him, he will want to come help me do the laundry and guess who else will be coming? Ur right again, ss. I don't need the aggravation or headache. Doing the laundry will provide me some peace.
Thank u soooo much. I'm
Thank u soooo much. I'm literally In tears.. I thought I finally found mr right and this sutuation happens. I'm literally burnt out. I have my own issues keeping my 17 yr old in line. He's almost an adult, about to graduate, but he's still my responsibility until then. Enforcing curfews, enforcing safety precautions in the event he becomes sexually active, making sure his room is cleaned and everything is not thrown under the bed just to rush out etc. But that's my child n my job. I love kids I really do. I'm upset mainly because he didn't care about me nor what I had planned with my Summer... I just told ss to ask his dad for anything he needs. He asked can he come with me, and I said no.. It's sad that a person would put their child in this situation. He lost several points with me for this.. As I walked out the door, the kid asked me for an applesauce. Just gave him a sandwich , milk n 2 cookies. I kept on going n locked the door.. I'm outta there...
My fiancée mother is a level
My fiancée mother is a level headed reasonable religious woman. We get along well.. I'm wondering if I should speak to her n get some insight as to how to go about it..I don't want to get her involved but they have a very good relationship. She is a fair woman and I don't think she would tell him I spoke to her, but she would tell him the right way to go about this. I'm 100% positive
If you plan to stay in this
If you plan to stay in this relationship, you have to fix this this year. Whatever you allow this summer, will be what he expects to occur every summer.
He has to know what you are willing to go along with as far as extra time with his kids is concerned. He has to understand that you may be willing to help him out with parenting (cooking, laundry...) his kids, but he will be required to do the lion's share.
Do not involve his mother.
Thank u very much!!! You are
Thank u very much!!! You are right. Decided not to involve mom. This is my relationship and I will handle it.. I'm gonna speak how I feel. The worst that can happen is : he won't accept what I have to say. If that becomes the case, I will cut ties and keep in moving before wasting anymore time. I stayed home from work today from not getting any sleep. Did I mention I haven't eaten in 2 days. My appetite is GONE!!! This ish is so sickening. Smh and he has the nerve to want a child after we marry. Loooolllll he can dream about that. He has 5, 6, 7 and my kids are 17 and 21. I'm 38, work for the State,attractive, finishing up my bachelors in criminal justice and was doing fine before him. He has been talking to me any kind of way lately and I never experienced that with him. He would do any and everything for me, but lately he hasn't even asked me if I wanted even a glass of water. I'm so over this. I'm gonna talk to him tonite! I will keep u all updated
We spoke about the whole
We spoke about the whole situation tonight. He didn't apologize. He said he's there for my son always, but he has to ask me or discuss when he can have his son. Like I told him.. My son lives here. My son is 17 and doesn't need to be watched. I told him I will not be his support system and he will need I handle everything on his own, being he did not care of my input. I told him he and the child mother made plans and I was not following suit to accommodate them. Then he said, "well that's my son" and I don't need ur approval. I said, yep you are right! So find a babysitter, a cook and but me a new couch because ur child pissed on it twice.. I'm not marrying this man for one minute. Either we go to counseling, or the dress will be returned. Period. I said my piece.. Didn't want to hurt his feelings but obviously I don't matter so screw him. I deserve better. And the next man will have 0 kids or grown adult children.
One more issue to think
One more issue to think about...If you are so upset over SS visiting and the feeling you have toward that...what are you going to feel like when the SD's come as well. Yes it will only be for 8 days but then you will hve THREE additional children to deal with. I completely understand how you feel about the invasion on your life. However, if you feel this way after just two weeks with a GOOD kid, it will only get worse. You will end up hating your SO and be divorced. Go find yourself a good man with adult children or NO children. I wish you luck!