Need some advice
Hi, I'm new and was hoping to get some unbiased views about my current situation.
I was married to the father of my two boys for 13 years when he suddenly announced that he didn't want to be married anymore, he needed to find happiness and couldn't find it with me. And he knew all that since he'd had an affair.
It took me some serious time to bounce back from that, to be able to consider the possibility of dating again let alone trusting anyone ever for anything more committed. But I did eventually meet a man... And he is amazing. I love him. He is spectacular with my boys and they like him a lot too.
He has two daughters, 20 and almost 22. My relationship with them has been good. Until recently.
Both of them, within a month, moved in with us. And my well ordered world has gone to chaos. They both come with BF's, neither of whom work, and only one of the girls works. My house has become a catch all for all of their stuff which is usually left piled around the house.
Now, I've complained about this to my SO, but nothing is really getting done about it. I've tried to tell myself that since we aren't married and I'm just a girlfriend it's not my place to dictate what I will and won't allow. After all, they lived here before I did. But, he just asked me to marry him. I love him, so I've accepted.
Now I'm questioning it. One of the things that I love most about him is his devotion as a father. However, that's now becoming an issue. When I complain about the state of our lives now, he basically says that this is their home too and he's not kicking them out. He won't ever choose "Us" over them, not now, not ever, not for any reason.
There are several other issues, but it comes down to this... If his kids were actual children, I think I could tolerate it more. But these are grown adults. They do their own thing, have their own lives... but their lives are causing a serious disruption in my life. So what do I do? Am I out of line since I'm not really a step-parent?
Click on my name. Click on
Click on my name. Click on my bookmarks and read my posts. Esp "WTF is MOON" from June 17th. If this is your home where you live as well, you deserve to have less mess and chaos. Trust me, I know and I have tried with a nearly 20 yo. If you have a Disney Dad, it will never work. He has no boundaries for his DDs. I would go forward very carefully. Very carefully.
~ Moon
Run, run, as fast as you
Run, run, as fast as you can.
SO not only let his daughters move in, he let their non working boyfriends move in also.
SO is beyond enabling, beyond a Disney Dad, so far beyond I don't know what to call him.
If you stay prepare to support them all. Prepare to have them want your child's support money to be spent on them. Prepare for a life of misery.
It's slightly
It's slightly complicated...The living situation.
Originally, SO moved in with me and my boys. The 2 daughters were living here with their mom, the ex. The 3 of them were unable (read unwilling) to do what they needed to to support themselves.
Rather than lose the house, SO suggested we take it over. I was all for it. The house is bigger and there's more land, more country than city without being in BFE.
So the 3 women moved out, we moved in. First irritation was the youngest SD's dog. When she was 17 they let her get a pitbull. I don't have a problem with pits and she's a good dog. But she's not my dog. And suddenly I'm responsible for her cuz SD20 can't find someplace to live that allows pits. But, SO takes care of her so I brush that off.
About 3 months after the move, SD20 tells SO that its so expensive living on her own, she's never gonna be able to save up to go back to school. He suggests she move home. Again, I'm ok with it She works, helps out and it's for a good cause. But she gets back together with her loser BF and now suddenly school is out the door. They are talking about moving in with his parents cuz we won't let him smoke or sell weed out of the house. So they've been back n forth for about 2 weeks now.
A month after SD20 moved in, SD22 came home too. She broke up with her loser BF n had no place to go. SD22 doesn't work, doesn't clean up after herself or help out at all. Aannnddd...she's reunited with LBF who doesn't work either.
We only have 3 bedrooms. One is ours, one is my boys and then one was SD20'S. Now that SD20 isn't here all the time, SD22 has been staying in her room instead of my living room. But all of her stuff is still there cuz SD20's room is full of SD20'S STUFF!
It's making me crazy. My home has become a storage unit for everyone else's stuff and it's overflowing EVERYWHERE! SO is reluctant to drop the hammer since their mom died 2 months ago and he thinks their dealing with enough as it is. Which brings me to the biggest irritation. The ex's family...
Her family hates me and I don't even know why. I didn't have an affair with my SO, he had already left his ex and moved out when I met him. But hate me they do and they're spiteful with it. I've recently demanded that these people not be at my home. Ever. For any reason. But SO says he can't tell SD's that their family isn't welcome in their own home. Especially now.
Everything about our relationship is perfect. It really is. Until it comes to his kids. And everyone tells me that his attitude isn't unreasonable, I shouldn't expect him to choose me over his kids since I wouldn't do that either. But the way I see it is that my kids are ACTUAL kids. They are dependent on me for another 3 years minimum. Plus, if SO doesn't like something they do or they break a rule, I back him always. He's an adult and I require my kids to show respect to the adults in their lives. And since my kids are KIDS I can to some degree force the issue of basic respect since I'm their mother. I can't do that with his girls. And to be fair, he doesn't allow his girls to be mouthy or rude to me, not that they have been yet. But a confrontation is coming cuz I'm not usually the kind of person to bite my tongue.
I don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid I may not have a choice. My sanity is going to demand an ultimatum. Either from him, or me...
If you take your boyfriend
If you take your boyfriend out of the equation for just a minute here and just focus on the girls from a outsider's point of view you can see that these girls are not being independent nor taking steps to their independence. That for your boyfriend should be something he is addressing but it sounds like he is not. Then, here are these girls dating loser guys and while you cannot point that out to them, their loser boyfriends are taking advantage of the free ride that the girls have been given. I, as a parent of young adults, would be concerned for my daughter who was dating a man who smokes and sells weed. I know it is legal in some states but I still see it as an problem. Another issue I have here is that dad let the loser boyfriends move in his house with the girls. Sorry but unless these girls are married, no! They are all adults and they need to be on their own, making their way, figuring out their lives instead leaning on daddy for a free ride.
As far as whether you have a right to say anything? If you do not you lay the ground work for these kids to run you over like a steamroller. You and BF need to agree as to the rules of the house, who is responsible for what and what will and will not be tolerated. Your husband needs to sit with his daughter and help them with their goals towards furtheing their education, starting their careers, etc. The boyfriends need to find some other place to live and if the girls don't like it they can follow.
If your BF resists this, I would be moving back into your old house you shared with your sons and let your BF figure this out for himself.
Am I reading correctly that
Am I reading correctly that you and SO moved into SO and the ex's old house? Is this legally SO and the ex's home? So you are helping SO and the ex from losing THEIR home?!
I'm all for intergenerational housing and living but in many cultures EVERYONE is contributing to the financial needs and upkeep of the home. Here in the US these arrangements rarely work to anyone's benefit except the entitled millennial who gets a free ride, housekeeping and a full fridge from mommy and daddy.
My ss30 has tried to move back home several times. He succeeded twice for about two weeks until I, the wicked step mother had had enough of his sleeping all day, video games all night and constant pot smoking. DH was mad at me, ss30 hated me but there is no way I could cater to that kind of slothfulness. DH is allowed to put ss30 up in a hotel for a week but there is no way he will sleep one more night here...ever.
You're still in the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship and already you're going insane. It would be unwise to create a legal bond with this man who puts his grown lazy daughters 1st in his life. As others have said, "RUN!"
Don't get married until after
Don't get married until after the two you move into a new home. He will use that excuse as long as you live in their family home.
I feel like I should point
I feel like I should point out that prior to the girls moving in with us, I had a good relationship with them. We talked and got together without SO needing to be a reason to do so. They haven't been blatantly disrespectful to me and they get along really well with my boys.
But having all of us live together isn't working out. Not for me. It's making me resent their presence in my relationship with their dad.
Seriously...How does it work when you find THE ONE and you can't stand their kids? Can it work? Is it possible we're still going thru some growing pains? SO and I have only been together for about 2 years. Am I expecting too much too soon?
Sounds like he is the one for
Sounds like he is the one for you, but you are not the one for him. You are number five, behind his adult kids and their lovers. Is he willing to see a counselor? That's what opened my DH's eyes to the fact that I should not be put behind his shitty kids.
That's it exactly! He's lived
That's it exactly! He's lived solely for his kids for so long that it doesn't strike him as anything but completely normal to always put them first no matter what.
His 1st marriage was totally screwed up. He got married cuz of the kids, stayed for the kids. It wasn't ever at any point a healthy relationship. Not for him and not for the ex.
I'm the first serious relationship he's had since he moved out. When he hears me telling my boys to do well in school, to not take it so lightly cuz come 18 they'd better be able to support themselves... He thinks I'm being harsh! And unrealistic. He actually tells me and them "You know you aren't gonna just kick them out. You wouldn't do that to your babies."
And what I haven't been able to make him understand is that yes I love my kids. But I'll be damned if they piss away their lives and mooch off of me forever. I haven't raised them that way and will not tolerate an attitude of entitlement from them now. Let alone when they're adults!
SO and his ex never really loved each other. Not they way they should have as a married couple. He focused entirely on the kids and has no clue now as to how to be in a relationship where his partner is the focus.
> When he hears me telling my
> When he hears me telling my boys to do well in school, to not take it so lightly cuz come 18 they'd better be able to support themselves... He thinks I'm being harsh! And unrealistic. He actually tells me and them "You know you aren't gonna just kick them out. You wouldn't do that to your babies."<
Is there a "Disney-parent cult" out there somewhere where parents are forced to drink gallons of this koolaid that makes them spew out this garbage!?!? Because my DW - I kid you not - has said this EXACT SAME PHRASE. Word for word.
>How does it work when you
>How does it work when you find THE ONE and you can't stand their kids? Can it work? Is it possible we're still going thru some growing pains? SO and I have only been together for about 2 years. Am I expecting too much too soon?<
A good question.
There is an expression that I grabbed from here at one time "Your marriage is your first priority. Your children are your first responsibility". If you and your husband can find that balance, you will be okay provided you both see things the same way. Granted right now you don't and that is perfectly understandable because you are seeing the faults of his two adult daughters on a daily basis but when he looks at them, all he sees are rainbows and unicorns.
That is what it was like with my wife for a long while. Every time I looked at her son, I could feel nothing. No empathy, no joy and certainly no love. The only reason I cared for him is because I consider him as a ward. Nothing more. My wife on the other hand, was not just this boy's mother, but she was his best friend, his entertainer, his Geisha, etc. Somehow we learned to understand where the other was coming from and struck a balance. It is still a struggle but we work CONSTANTLY at it.
I also find it strange that
I also find it strange that he talked you into getting into his ex wife's house. Doesn't sound like he had your interests at heart nor wanted to move on as a new couple.
I agreed to it cuz at one
I agreed to it cuz at one point it had been his house too. He moved out cuz he figured if he was the one leaving the marriage then he needed to be the one to leave the house. Plus, his brother and sister in law live next door. SO has sunk a TON of money into the property over the years and if the ex n girls weren't going to be able to maintain it n live in it he didn't want to lose the property completely. My lease was coming due in a few months n I would've had to move anyway so since I loved the area too, I was all for it.
I still am. I love living here. But it doesn't feel like my home anymore... It used to. Now it feels like I've moved in with all of them instead of the other way around.
That's just the point....it
That's just the point....it was kind of "their" house, including the kids, so maybe he can't see it as your house as a new family. He sees it as his kids' old house....kinda belongs to them? Plus the putting them first...not cool.
Sounds like you're raising your kids right.
There are a lot of people here who wish they'd gotten out at those first signs of disharmony. From what you've posted, I don't see it getting better for you, unfortunately. Unless he gets counseling and changes his ways.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your desire to make the relationship work. I am going through a similar situation. I would sit him down and tell him flat out that you cannot marry him until these (and specific because men aren't always so bright) things change. And give him a time limit! If changes aren't made, not only can I NOT marry you, but I am also going to have to move out.
Hopefully, he will make the changes. If he doesn't, unfortunately you will see where his priorities fall.
Good luck! Keep you chin up!
Sorry to tell you but the
Sorry to tell you but the situation is not going to get any better, and if you stay it will actually get much worse. Get out, cut your losses and move on with your life. In another year you will be thanking your lucky stars.
I say "perfect" because when
I say "perfect" because when it's just us, it is perfect. The only things we argue about are the issues surrounding his kids. If they were removed from the picture I'd have absolutely nothing to complain about where he's concerned.
And yes, before you say it, I know...But his kids are very much in the picture. Believe me, I am acutely aware of that fact.
And my self respect is intact. I have been looking into other properties, something for me to have on my own. SO is aware of this and is even excited about looking with me.
No, I haven't come right out and told him that his DD's won't be welcome but I have made it clear that what goes on now isn't something I will tolerate in MY home. The SD's are aware of this search and it has made things more difficult here cuz they know that what they get away with here, won't be allowed. They are actively discouraging him from moving.
So I am moving. I hate that I'm feeling forced into it though to be able to have some peace. Like I said... I love living where I'm at. Then there's the matter of making my boys move once again... I hate that.
You might hate moving your
You might hate moving your boys, but I would hate them to see you being treated as a doormat in your own home. You are trying to teach them the right way to be responsible adults, and allowing yourself to be treated this way in front of them doesn't mesh with that plan.
>>I say "perfect" because
>>I say "perfect" because when it's just us, it is perfect. The only things we argue about are the issues surrounding his kids. If they were removed from the picture I'd have absolutely nothing to complain about where he's concerned.
I have said these exact words verbatim. Yes, if you and SO could live it a bubble it would all work out but he doesn't want that. He wants his kids, their BF's and then you to be in one giant harmonious relationship bubble where you are the doormat. You have to remove yourself from that position now. Stand up for yourself, your needs and those of your children. You'll be perceived as the bad guy, evil defacto step mom trying to remove him from his precious babies lives but oh well. This may end your relationship but if it's that fragile then it was never meant to be in the first place. Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap.
This whole situation is
This whole situation is brand-friggin-new to me. I've never had step children let alone step adult/children.
I was hoping to get advice and support from people who are in the same boat as me.
Yes, I love my SO. I don't think he's a complete asshat.
And yes, my relationship for all of it's flaws is worth working out to me if it can be.
That doesn't make me weak, clueless, lacking in self respect or anything else.
Apparently it does make me irritating though.
So I'm sorry I bothered any of you.
You are not irritating! We
You are not irritating! We have just been there and some of us wish we'd been talked down off our cloud years ago. I had no people with my experience to tell me how it is or I'd have run, even though he was the man of my dreams. Thankfully, my DH (through counseling, horrible treatment by his kids, and advice from his family and friends) realized that there needed to be boundaries drawn, and he and I are now a team rather than him treating me as an outsider. My husband always told me I was number one, but he didn't really show it for the first couple years. He does now. If he had ever told me that I came after his grown kids in our home and our life together, I'd have been out the door.
When you have had enough and
When you have had enough and want to honestly face the horrible situation you are in we will be here for you. Good luck and God bless.
At 22 I'd been living in my
At 22 I'd been living in my own home for five years, had two children and had a job. Your oh needs to tell his kids to get a grip, if they're living with you they pay rent! I would sit down and tell him this and say your not happy living this way. He's doing his kids no favours covering their backs, they will never learn to live independently.
Take it from a bunch of old
Take it from a bunch of old married people. Your bf allowing these grownups to live off him and in a manner like guttersnipes is no way to parent. It will be intolerable to you toot sweet before we here can collectively say "Jack Robinson."
The "don't make me choose" is also a huge red flag because it's an act of aggression disguised as devoted and responsible parenting. Logically it makes about as much sense as saying "don't make me choose between oxygen and water!" The relationship those two things have to each other has nothing to do with a natural heirarchy. Healthy people use both all. the. time. No, it's simply a pernicious device to tell the "newcomer" that they will never really count.
It's also a dreadful way to parent because it's declaring that "my kids" don't go through normal developmental stages. They will never lie, blame, steal cookies from the cookie jar, make fantastical claims, behave irresponsibly or angrily. At the same time, I assume that you, newcomer, will do all of those things because you are inherently evil/immature/jealous. So when I find my 4 year old covered in mud from head to toe and she tells me she hasn't touched any mud and doesn't know who made the tiny muddy tracks all over the white carpet I will believe her and blame you.
So this whole union is not passing its physical.
But since I know you are not going to just dump him on our word and I really don't believe you shouldn't try to give him a chance to man up and show he really is a good partner, I do have a practical suggestion. Tell your fella that you agree, now is not the time to rock the boat for the grieving offspring of BM. You're going to move back out and not set a date. Just be gf for the foreseeable future. Over that period of time see how the parenting at his house goes and begin to address some of these things.
Can't emphasize enough that if you marry him now you will forever regret and resent a growing list of things such as SD's bad behavior at your wedding, Dh's disappointing response to same, SDs interrupting your honeymoon, ruining your vision of married life and most of all losing your status as a respected adult and homeowner. Most of these are things that cannot be retrieved so don't do it now.
Move out. Watch and wait. Attempt problem solving together and see how that goes.
Listen...to what he is
Listen...to what he is telling you. HE IS BEING HONEST AND STRAIGHT UP about your position and his perspective of your role in his family...If you can accept being fifth or sixth on his list of priorities since there are at least four people that you know of that he has told you will come first in his life....then you don't have a problem...Unfortunately...most of the wives here expect tp be their husbands partner in life...sitting in the seat next to him...(not four rows back from him)...
I would not settle...find someone who loves you and cherishes you the way they should...none of this take a number bs....thank God you are not married to him yet...Respect yourself enough to know that there is someone out there that will treat you better...Getting married is the one decision that will effect your happiness level on a daily basis for the rest of your life...choose wisely...peace
Honey, here's my advice:
Honey, here's my advice: there's only one queen of my castle and it is ME. Period. Dot.
If your man can't handle that, get your own castle!!!!!!
A guilty, spineless Disney
A guilty, spineless Disney dad.
Overindulged, underachieving adult SDs who have just lost their mother.
Family connections who despise you.
A dead BM, which equals instant sainthood.
And you are living in THEIR house.
You have no leverage in this scenario, no winning cards. It seems your SO has made his choice and is putting his kids first. If it were just a matter of needing to live separately until all the kids are launched, I'd say you two had a chance. But odds are those girls will side with their maternal family against you. Then what? They'll make war with you, and their doting daddy will ignore the problem. You will grow to resent this "perfect" man and the whole miserable situation.
Put your kids first. Find a place of your own & give them the calm, stable environment they deserve. Date him if you must, but keep that crazy out of your life.
Why is everyone is such a
Why is everyone is such a freaking hurry to move with their kids in with someone. I am telling you people it is okay to date and maintain a seperate residence!!!! When you have children I believe it is in their best interest that you just don't shack up with someone and play house.My son knows his mom is strong and can take care of us. He also knows mom's BF is a great guy with his own place who respects his relationship and space with me. Another benefit is I am happy as a girl can be and have a lot of great sex and good times and wait for it ... I don't have to take care of him because he is a big boy and does it himself.
Find your own place and date him. Bith you and your kids will be happier. Marriage is over rated.