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Question for the Men

SpeakingGreek's picture

I need a man's opinion/advice because I'd like to see from my SO's perspective.

I have one 11 y/o daughter, my fiance has custody of his two young children (3 and 7), and we finally moved in together in May. I've always thought very highly of him and I think he is a good father, but I am concerned about my role and our expectations of each other. I understand kids take time, effort, and attention - but his kids are very needy and attention-seeking, and I'm exhausted. I am used to having a mostly self-sufficient child and not having to worry about sitters or accommodating the schedules of two very young children. I get 4 weekends a month with no kids - that's it - and relatively no one-on-one time outside of the bedroom. I feel like I am expected to accommodate his needs, his schedule, and cater to his children's need for love and attention as if they were my own. I don't know that I can give that much without becoming completely drained of myself and without being given the time needed to reinforce our relationship as well.

I feel like my bond with him is suffering because of this, but I don't know if there's just something I haven't considered? I would appreciate what you - men in the same position he is in - would need and expect in this situation.

Q: What do you expect with regard to working out your own schedules and needs? What do you expect with regard to the degree of love, attention, and accommodation to your biological children (especially if you have full custody)?
Q: What do you think about our need for a degree of autonomy?
Q: Do you even notice/acknowledge that someone loves you such that they have willingly stepped in such a situation and taken on the burden that goes with helping you raise your children (especially if they are young and need lots of attention)?

What advice would you have for me from your perspective?

SpeakingGreek's picture

I did not say that right, sorry - 4 days. DAYS.

SO works from home, so the kids stay with him during the day. I work out of the home.

Drac0's picture

>Q: What do you expect with regard to working out your own schedules and needs? What do you expect with regard to the degree of love, attention, and accommodation to your biological children (especially if you have full custody)?
Q: What do you think about our need for a degree of autonomy?
Q: Do you even notice/acknowledge that someone loves you such that they have willingly stepped in such a situation and taken on the burden that goes with helping you raise your children (especially if they are young and need lots of attention)? <

I think you are giving men (or this man at any rate) too much credit for thinking so much about these things.

My grandmother gave me the best advice. "Sometimes, you have to be a minimalist in your approach. If the kids are well fed, and the house hasn't burned down, then it was a good day".

Everything else is gravy.

SpeakingGreek's picture

Too simple that time? I don't assume he thinks about those things in depth; but I am not a man, which is why I asked for perspective. Without the perspective, I may take it personally as it is possible I'm being taken for granted and he doesn't appreciate me - which is not acceptable.

Essentially, if I don't have any other point of view on how to handle this, I will act on it absent the perspective, meaning - I can take back my time and leave him to accommodate his children and his own schedule, take back my weekends by going out alone if necessary, take back my belief that time with me (other than in the bedroom) is important to him. I figured the most fair I can be is to get his view - or as close to it as possible from someone in his shoes.

Drac0's picture

Again, I am only speaking for myself (I am sure views of other guys will differ). When DW moved in with me, I knew our lives would change. I knew some sacrifices would have to be made. I knew I would have less free time and a lot of our energies would be devoted to the children. BUt I made those sacrifices in the belief that we are are building something great together. But I told my wife straight, I won't know if she is tired, frustrated or stressed out unless she tells me. I don't take my wife for granted, but at the same time, I don't go "out of my way" either....the last time I suggested a romantic weekend getaway for the two of us to our favorite resort, she actually shot back "Oh! Can SS come with us? I want him to see that place!". I have since refused to suggest anything like that again to my wife. Now, if my wife were to suggest it to me, (and she has) then I would jump like a good little soldier and make the arrangements. Don't know if that makes any sense or helps you in your delimma, but my wife and I swore we would always try and talk things out rather than keep it bottled up inside.

SpeakingGreek's picture

I agree with you. I knew things would change. I knew I would take on more responsibility and that the children were young. It seems I have lightened his burden in that respect, and I think he appreciates that, but I don't think he understands what it's doing to me. When I mention it, he gets defensive. I don't expect a good little soldier (I get the reference, we both served), I expect a partner, but he does what you said - he wants to invite skids to everything, giving away time I thought was ours as if it means nothing. In fact, he just asked about keeping the kids another weekend next month - that means maybe only 2 days next month, if I'm lucky. I guess I'm hoping that if I can see his perspective, I can help him see, too.

Drac0's picture

My advice. Tell it to him straight. Don't beat around the bush.

"Honey? How about we have a weekend to ourselves where it is *JUST* us? No kids. I would LIKE THAT VERY MUCH"

If he balks, you can easily suggest that you guys do something with the kids all together the following weekend.

SpeakingGreek's picture

I thought I was clear, but I suppose it could have come off more as a complaint than anything. I will try again tonight. He really is a good man, but sometimes, I honestly don't think he gets it.

SpeakingGreek's picture

He does a lot for me, but I don't need as much - I'm self-sufficient, as is my daughter. I try to get time with him outside of the bedroom, even mentioning the fact that we haven't had any one-on-one time in 4 weeks (due to a visitation schedule change to accommodate BM's wedding and father's day) and I was told to I'd have to wait until July 4th weekend.

It makes me think I should at least consider his perspective before saying another word because it sounds like a perspective issue - - he said it as if it was a matter of function and scheduling as opposed to being a matter of MAKING time for the relationship. I hope he said it mindlessly and didn't mean to sound like he's brushing me off, but then he just offered to take the kids on one of our free weekends next month - I am overwhelmed and, now, sad.

Calypso1977's picture

my fiance defintiely doesnt think at this level.

all i get from him in terms of need/expectations regarding my SD14 is that "we all just need to get along" and that i need not ask for too much (in his mind, asking for her to use her utensils rather tahn her hands, and demanding common courtesy, respect and manners is asking too much). so i disengaged, adn i have little to do with SD and usually avoid her or home entirely when she's there. tough for you tho, because the kids are always there.

my advice is that this wont get any better. id think very, very long and hard about whether you want this forever by marrying him.

SpeakingGreek's picture

He is supportive with discipline, which I guess is a good thing from having the kids at home all the time. But that's the problem - he's used to having his kids all the time - they're his. They have a lot of whiny, attention-seeking behavior and there are two of them. I'm used to a self-sufficient 11 year old that can entertain herself or join me in martial arts class. It's overwhelming and it seems to shock his conscious that I would want time away, or - heaven forbid - that I don't want to watch them alone.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Not a man either but wanted to pipe up that in my experience the first 3 months was by far the hardest. This is the time when two old ways of life have to be reborn as a totally new way of life. Not immediately apparent at first, you both just keep on truckin' and there's inevitable clash. This is the phase where you find out if you can problem solve together and still come out smiling. Very important time. Much gnashing of teeth goes into it, though.

Secondly, yes, he needs to be nurturing the relationship. My dh does this a lot which is a big key to our still being together. So yours should, too. But if he hasn't figured that out yet, he needs to.

In my experience, stating your needs is more effective than most everything else. "I feel my romantic feelings are getting lost. I feel more of a stranger feeling with you every day instead of a closer feeling. I feel odd climbing into bed at night with someone who feels like a stranger from the rest of the time." Etc.

If he's the fab guy you thought he was when you picked him, he will work on this and not want to lose you. Just work on statements that don't involve "your kid this, and "your kid that!"

Make sure you are heard and on his radar screen. Avoid fading into the general hum of life. He will think you are a well oiled valve until the day you crack your sprockets and leave. Squeak often. Make sure he knows you need the oil can.

EOWinparadise's picture

This is what I have learned along the way- your relationship must come first! If you are good enough parents, and it sounds like you both are, your kids' needs will always be met. However, the same cannot be said for a relationship unless there is a conscious effort to do so. You need to take time to be together outside of the bedroom, you need to continue dating each other. All day it cannot be about cuddle with kids and talk with kids and play with kids, there must be some time for cuddling, talking together as well. It is ok to say no to children, it is ok to say it's grown-up time. In my experience, single dads have a big problem with this. It seems to stem from the fear of being labeled a "dead-beat dad." They are 100% focused on being dad and have little time or energy for anything else. That's great and all, but it reeks havoc on a relationship. Your SO needs to find a balance with you, but he may not see that there is an imbalance if you don't speak up.

The downside to this is that he may not agree with you. His kids may really be his only focus and while he loves you, your help is what is most necessary for him, not the companionship. I say that from experience. Not with my DH, but the relationship I was in before was a nightmare and I fought like hell to make him put us first. It never happened and it was a giant waste of time and a huge heartache when it was all said and done. His daughter was like my own and I still miss her to this day. Before you become anymore committed you should try to determine what is more important to him when it comes to you, your help or your companionship, so you can decide what to do from there.

SpeakingGreek's picture

I do think he's a good dad. I also think he's a good man. I am engaged to a former Ranger and current IT manager - he sees and thinks with logic so much that I almost have to bludgeon him with some things. I really do think that if I asked him to wash laundry and make dinner before I got home, he'd find a way - as long as I give him a clear and direct goal. You'd think it'd be easy since I'm fairly no-nonsense and I get that, but I still don't think the proper response to a request for one-one-one time shouldn't be a very blatant/business-like "not for a while" or "not until July 4th weekend."

He sure knew exactly what to do and say when we started dating: I swear I don't know what happened now that we've moved in together, it's like we're business partners with a special bonus and a built-in babysitter clause.

By the way, your profile picture is great - very fitting.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Wave a great big white flag at him. Or maybe a black stocking. "I NEED more of you."

MainelyaMess's picture

I don't think there is any "one size fits all" in any relationship, especially those with SKids