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venting but would also like feedback in regards to my concerns

cutie01687's picture

:? I am writing to ask for guidance in a certain situation that involves my boyfriend of 10 years (who I have lived with for 10 yrs), his 16 yr old daughter from a previous relationship (who lives with her mother) and our 2 year old son that we have together...here is the situation: My boyfriend stays at home with our son while I work Full-time 8-5 shift so that we do not have to put him in daycare and for a variety of other reasons. His daughter comes over to our house on a weekends, not every weekend and not a set every other weekend. It is based on a variety of things, which is completely fine. My boyfriend, his daughter and her mother have always operated this way in mutual understanding.

Here is the problem that I am currently having: About 2 weekends ago, I picked his daughter up from her mother's after my shift so that she could spend the weekend with us at our home. Everything was going good the night that I had picked her up until after dinner. I asked her to watch our 2 yr old son just for a little bit while I cleaned the kitchen and she agreed to do so. She has a 7 yr old brother on her mother's side that she lives with and is responsible for watch during summer while on summer break. I have left my son in a room with her before and have had no issues.

My boyfriend (my son's father) was outside at the moment. Not even five minutes into cleaning the kitchen, she called for me to see what my son was doing...so I made my way to the enterance of dining room which is where they were located...I see my son standing on our tall dining room chair with her just sitting there.. as I am trying to enter, he falls off the chair. He falls hard and she laughed about it.

My son starts crying and I pick him up to comfort him. He calms down a bit but then I realise that he is favoring one arm and is pretty hurt at this point. My boyfriend had returned into the house at this point and inquired what was going on. So I explained to him what happened and told him that we needed to take our son into the er as he is hurt badly...At this point, my stepdaughter did not show much concern of the pain that her baby brother was in and went along for the ride to the er.

At the er waiting for a room, his daughter kept Initiating the fact that she laughed when he fell..I interpreted her comments as if they were not out of guilt or concern and I kept quiet. My boyfriend didn't say anything at all. Once we were appointed a er patient room, his daughter felt comfortable enough to put up the hood of her sweater and laid on the er bed and played on her phone. Not concerned what so ever. I would have at least expected her to offer the bed for me to comfort our injured child so that I may try to relax him. Again, my boyfriend didn't say anything as I don't think he really knew what to say or do. I know it's an unfortunate and stressful situation taking any child to the er.

Long story short, the result was that my son ended up with a fractured arm. Once it was confirmed by the er doc that his arm was fractured I blew up at my boyfriend in front of his daughter. I was mad and very disappointed in the both of them. I was more mad at him, more so as he did not scold her as to why on earth was she letting him stand on a chair after I had asked her to actively watch him while I was in the kitchen for a bit.

I was mad at her as I had expected more from her and her lack of concern bothered me very much. I was mad that my son was in pain. i thought that she could've been her brother's keeper for a few moments...Well, she ended up leaving the next morning due to the things I stated to my boyfriend about the situation and some of her demeanor/attitude at our house, which was said in front of her in the er room before we left. She did cry but not until after I had already stated my mind to my boyfriend in front of her. I don't think her crying was out of feeling bad, I think she was mainly crying because the things I said hit close to home and were hurtful but true things that needed to be recognized. :? :?

The way I feel about this situation is that, I asked her to do something and she didn't. I understand that accidents happen, but this could've been prevented. I also feel that this is an act out coming from her. She complains about her 7 yr old brother at her mother's, claiming he is getting everything at their house and she is left out...I try not to compare and I try to keep things equal in my home. But I think there is a deeper issue at hand here, I just feel like my gut is telling me this for a reason...

For example: Before I gave birth to our son, I invited his daughter to the ultra sound. In the waiting area before I was to get the ultrasound done, his daughter starts laughing hysterically with tears down her face...I asked her what's she laughing about, and she replied back with that: she's imagining herself and my to be born son when they are older and her pushing him into a wall and her laughing about it....

at the time i thought it was just nerves and sibling kind of talk..yea know the kind that rough house with each other and pick on each other in a normal sibling way...but looking back at this, it angers me and I'm not sure if i need to be alarmed about this and worried about my son being around her. I know accidents happen but I feel that her attention was not fully with him when I asked her to watch him. it's not like I asked her to watch him and left the premises for an extended period of time...

i do not feel supported at all by him. and now that i had blown up, her mother is mad and stating blank threats on facebook. i'm not sure if i want this child back in my home and feel that my boyfriend may need to spend quality time with her outside of our house...please send me your response as if what i am feeling is legitimate or not... thank you.

misSTEP's picture

1. Do not look at BM's facebook page. In fact, block her entirely.

2. Why do you want to stay with a guy who doesn't have your back about this? Plus his own SON's back! He is little and can't defend himself from people who want to hurt him. That is the PARENTS (plural) job!

3. Of COURSE you don't want her back in the house after her callousness about her little brother. She obviously is plenty old enough to be responsible AND to know what she was doing and how she was reacting. BF will just have to visit her outside the home.

4. Again, why be with this guy? Get out before you get married and are entangled even more with him than you already are. He's shown you that his daughter matters more than your (both) son. Why allow that? Shouldn't your son at LEAST be on the same level as his precious poopsie?? HER arm never got broken.

cutie01687's picture

Thank you ladies. I am torn by this. Not to mention my son has to heal for months because they can't put a case on it because of how close it is to his poor little shoulder.

I am so mad as his daughter is playing the victim in this situation to her mother who has only heard her side of the incident. She only sees as fit to call my bf when it is in regards to anything but their daughter. it got to the point where my bf has told her to stop calling unless it is in regards to their child. she still continues to call every now & then when she runs into a neutral old friend of their or some other lame excuse....my bf and i have been together 10 yrs and she is married but still has unlying issues that must stem from their relationship. I unfortunately get to be the target and scapegoat.

Her mother acts as if she is so concerned about co-parenting with my bf for their daughter. yet I am apparently an issue for them to communicate with each other..when I don't even intervene except for voicing myself when she calls at midnight-2 am about thing that have no regard to their daughter. she has even texted me stating that she calls him after already talking to him, stating she was calling him to ask how i am doing when she already has my phone number. i fell this is a little game playing to try to upset me...she's been married to my bf's so called friend for years, so figure that one out. and her husband and my bf don't even speak to each other due to her....it's really a bunch of underlying issues that was existant before i came into the pic 10 yrs ago... as with many of us here...but i am more appalled at the fact that she is no where to be found when it comes to regards in contacting my bf with concerns about the incident that just happened. i feel the act she puts on of wanting to contact my bf so they can actively co-parent is a bunch of bs...she wants her cake and she wants to eat it to. now i am not stating they can't have any contact and no to speak to each other, but during reasonable hours. i don't care if its not in my presence either. but i have looked past this many times..her blunt passive aggressive comments and gestures when dropping their child off. her actions and words have showed me that i am not welcomed in the picture any more. which was decided just out of the blue after the fact that i became pregnant. she went so far as to 'jokingly' tell her son by her husband to 'pick a daddy' in front of me and my bf. no one said anything then either...it's so weird that her and i used to get along and actually hold decent conversations on the phone with each other in the past years, almost like as if we were friends and then one day she just must've stopped taking her meds and fell off her rocker.. it is just crazy...and to think that i have even denied my own thoughts on this matter of craziness. she will always continue to keep trying to one up me in my own household and overlook the boundaries she has crossed on multiple occasions...she may put on an act about being a good person and giving to the community and what not but i see past her. all i see is how she is only concerned about her own selfish emotional well-being.

It also is upsetting that she is broadcasting it to my bf's whole family over facebook as I do not have any of them on my list at all for specific reasons.

I have the screen shots on my phone. although they do not specifically state my name, i know they are targeted at me. his family is dysfunctional as well, which i don't care if they side with her. i just feel like the only emotional support i am getting is from my side of the family. which will always end up being the case...

i am also concerned about the future as i refuse to let me child grow up in this type of environment/family dynamic unless things drastically change with ALL of their attitudes and outlook on life. Sad

cutie01687's picture

just an fyi that my sister had my step daughter on her facebook page, saw everything, screenshotted it and sent it to me before deleting the instigator..i don't look up neither his daughter, his family nor his BM as they all do not take my interest when it comes to social networking. been there, dont that. removed them all.

cutie01687's picture

Yes I have already expressed this to him and am enforcing it. if you would have read the comment below the intial post, would've read that my sister screenshot the post (blank threats) and texted it to me. I understand some people fish for other's info but this way actually sent to me by my sister out of concern.

cutie01687's picture

Thank you everyone for your input. I am happy I have found this place and feel my inner strength getting stronger reading all of your supportive and understand responses. I will never trust her again. I don't care about her feelings, my son was physically hurt thanks to her carelessness and her actions spoke the loudest in the midst of it all.

I just wanted to know whether I was reasonable with the way I am feeling about the incident or if I am just too protective of my own child and whether or not I am or should be truly a disgruntled step mother...

cutie01687's picture

I should care about her feelings but the concern of the lack of feelings she has is what has pushed me away and made me defensive to protect my child as well. it's not fair that everyone want to just to her defense but overlook the bigger picture of who is really hurt and why.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I would not let her back in the home. Her dad needs to see her outside of it, or you and your son need to go somewhere during her EOW visit.

She has a bad side to her. She is going to get worse with your son.

Jsmom's picture

For me, she is lucky, I might have popped her for this. I do not allow my SD near my SS. She is toxic and scares him. Your boyfriend can see her outside of the house. Also, block BM and do not engage about this. Just cut it off at the knees.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Close the door. If she's like my SD (now38) this will not change as she gets older. She will always be jealous of your children and not view them as her half sibling but as competition. My SD also acted like your step as a teen when my child less than two choked in a restaurant . This same behavior was exhibited more than once throughout my children's lives but was never more evident than when as an adult of 32 when an off-road vehicle that she had provided caught fire when both of my minor children were on it. She smirked and inquired wanting to know all of the details of this incident. You could not mistake that evil expression. My children have not been alone in her presence since. It's been about 6 years now. I do not regret banning her at all as I can still clearly recall her lack of concern for her half siblings and outright expression of glee at the thought that something unfortunate had almost occurred. To this day I don't think it was an accident that this vehicle caughtt Fire.

Please do what you need to do to safeguard your son.

furkidsforme's picture

I think doing nothing/saying nothing and then blowing up in the ER is sort of bizarre.

That's all.

cutie01687's picture

I was trying to give myself time cool internally & give the benefit of the matter for her to possibly show concern & time for her to realize the actions & the incident. Hoping that maybe might sink in & for her to possibly reflect on her lack of actions before getting upset even more.. I was also giving time for my bf to possibly jump in as the actual parent to her to maybe give a mild statement to her of not allowing our son to do things like that when she is asked to watch him...

cutie01687's picture

She's actually 16...which makes it worse to me...old enough to know much better...

cutie01687's picture

Look I'm not seeking revenge towards anybody nor do I even really understand the mentality behind any of it. Its just a shame that I am pinned as the heartless one because I spoke my mind..maybe not in the exact way that I should have but I spoke truth and am kicked to the side for it unless I swallow my 'pride' and apologize to his daughter like I have done in the past for talking too harshly or didn't praise her enough at the time..who knows...but in this case, it wont be happening. I do value her in my life but in my book, things like this is not acceptable & won't be shoved under the rug in spite of her feelings. I will withdraw for the time being to give us both space but my son will be my #1 priority 24/7. I love my bf he is a good father to our son but when it comes to discipline & detting boundaries, well he suck at it.

His daughter has always been dealt with care because both parents dont give or get her tbe emotional help she needs..whether I am in the picture or not...

cutie01687's picture

i've already made it clear to my bf that she is not welcomed in the home and that she needs to visit outside of the home. obviously this has caused tension but at least i know my son is safe.

but also i am worried that he is going to sneak her over while i am at work now that school will be out soon & with him not backing me up on this issue, i am not exactly sure if him and i will ever see eye to eye...starting to feel that this is the beginning of the end of me & him.

but also it goes deeper over the past 10 yrs together. lots of built upn resentment towards him, his daughter, his family etc.

plus i know he is currently mad at the way i feel and i'm sure his daughter is mad because of the way i spoke my mind as well as her bday just past..i didn't buy her a single thing nor wished her a happy bday. but not this year & won't be doing it any time in the future either.

i normally chip out of my own pocket $250 for every birthday & xmas for the little brat, which doesn't include expenses throughout the year either. i've always made sure she got hers. always, no matter how my bf's finances were at the time...then he gets the credit, i don't expect anything for doing it or when it comes to mine but i felt that she doesn't deserve it. if he wants her to have a present, he will find a way to do so...

he can be responsible for that.

i don't care how petty it is. i just think not being involved is better for me & my son's well being.