Husband's Response to Disengagement
Hello all! I am new to this site and so happy to find it. I wanted to ask what everyone's experiences with disengagement is? It's not going so well for me. Over the last 5 years I feel like I have tried everything. But when your SD has a PASing mother, what can a stepmother really do? Nothing. My husband at times was not even allowed to speak to or see SD. Now, SD is coming to our house and spending the night periodically again. I decided it was easiest for all parties (including my own children) to keep my distance. Due to all the drama with SD, her mom and even involving police at our house a few times (no one ever in trouble or anything, just BM dramatic flair) my children are at "done" with SD so they keep their distance as well. When SD comes here we say hello and go on our way.
I refuse to cook for her so she and DH go out for their meals. She is a "vegetarian" and I am not willing to accommodate cooking another meal just for her. Last weekend I dipped my toe back in the water as we had guests and she was here. In front of a house full of guests SD snubbed the lunch that I made for everyone and went into the kitchen looking for something suitable for her to eat. DH told her it was ok to do so. SO right there I decided - done. I've talked to DH about this "vegetarian" thing as it isn't good for SD - she is an athlete and protein is the utmost important for muscle repair. I also know she isn't eating beans or anything else to get the protein from. I also know it's an out for a lot a teenage girls as a way to eating disorder and SD has always had control issues around food. (Please do not debate the vegetarian diets - I am supportive if done correctly) But when I talk to DH he is defensive and wants to support her. Ok, cool. Not my monkey, not my circus. Support the poor nutrition of an athlete or the eating disorder of a teenage girl. Rock on.
My husbands response to all this is negative. He says things like "you just don't want her around" or "why are you so mean to her?" He sees my indifference as a rejection of her and him. I can literally not say anything as he has a one sided argument and only respond when I am being attacked. I don't interfere with their plans (when I even know about them), I encourage them spending time together. I don't understand why he is still pissy?? Any thoughts?
Complete disengagement would
Complete disengagement would mean that she never makes a meal for the SD. DH's kid, DH's job. HE can choose to make an extra separate meal or not. That way HE is completely responsible for whether or not she is offered the proper nutrition.
You are discussing guest etiquette which is completely different from disengaging from a step.
wickedsm123, thanks for the
wickedsm123, thanks for the reply. Let me clear things up. I did have vegetarian options available on the table especially for her. Potato salad, Tossed Salad, baked beans (no bacon), watermelon and chips. I understand where you could have the impression of exclusionary behavior but that's not what is happening. If she comes on say a Friday night - my kids usually have plans to get to. I usually have my own girls night out or plan to watch a chick flick while my husband is with his daughter as a way to give them space and take a little time for myself.
It's instinctve. Bio-parents
It's instinctve. Bio-parents will automatically defend their children. It's a natural response. Throw in a pinch of guilt and wanting to look like the cool "Disney Parent" and the bio-parent will even make up the most ridiculous of excuses to defend their precious child's behavior
"Well he only lied because he didn't want to hurt my feelings."
REALLY!?!? That's good to know! Next time I go to Vegas, I'll blow my wad on gambling and strippers and lie about it. Good thing I have the green light to do so on account that my wife thinks it is okay to lie to protect her feelings.
Yes, I actually did use the above line on my wife to show how ridiculous her defense was for her son.
And that's when she got pissy.
They get pissy because they know they are wrong and just don't want to deal with the negative aspects of raising a child. They delude themselves into thinking their child is a "good" child and anyone who says different is just "Mean" or "doesn't understand them" or (my all time favorite) "You just expect too much from the child"
There will be many times he
There will be many times he will be pissy with you about it. My situation was and is much like yours.
In the beginning, DH got incredibly upset and hurt when I didn't roll out the red carpet and drop everything for SD. BM and SD were such a combined hot mess of a disaster, that I couldn't take the chaos. BM is batshit... Truly...
Once he realized how much I had pulled back, he was quick to blame me for being distant etc.. I very calmly described a few scenarios where I got involved and how much it bit me in the ass. I then brought his attention to how calm things were since I had pulled back. It took consistency and constant reinforcement to get to where we are now.
Let him deal with SD's dietary concerns. SD is picky and I won't cook for her either. If she wants to eat what is there, go for it, otherwise figure it out. It is solely up to DH to make sure food is in the house for her if and when she shows up. Not my issue if she comes over and there is only Perrier and wine.
In the past I have stopped discussions about SD because he gets defensive. I will abruptly stop the conversation and point out his defensiveness. It has taken some time but he gets it. A real turning point was that he got really mad at me about an issue that had happened with a few members of the family. He DIDN'T get mad at anyone else. Just me. I pointed it out and asked him why. I then told him that was why I was disengaged. (i didn't use that term though)
Like you, I absolutely encourage them to hang out. Just not with me...
When she comes over, the typical scenario is a polite hello, then she goes to her room. We may go to inlaws so they can see her, and I will go with them. I will make small talk, you know 'how's school?' etc.. but that's it. It makes me sad sometimes, but I truly don't care what goes on with her. When she leaves, I say goodbye. It is what it is.
For me it has been 6 years that DH and I are together. It is truly the last year we have settled in to a normalcy that is peaceful and that feels as if we have figured out what works for us.
I have perfected that also
I have perfected that also LOL.
When SS was on his break from the group home, DSo had him at our house every weekend. I would make a point to say Hello and Goodby, cheerfully too, in front of DSO. SS would either ignore me or start rambling to DSO. DSo would comment...Did you hear SM? and the kid still would ignore me. But DSO was never able to say, I ignored SS or I did something to SS. I also made sure to buy or cook foods that SS would like. SS refuses to eat anything I cook, even if its something he really likes. Lets me off the hook and DSO can pretend his son likes me LOL and save face.
I don't care so it didn't bother me one bit.
Keep disengaging. It takes a
Keep disengaging. It takes a while to work. He is not liking it now, but what it does is open his eyes to the problems when he is the only one with her.
It can work, just do not discuss it and just keep your distance. Tell him you will not engage with someone who treats your household like that. My SD19 is not welcome in my house at all. Tell your husband he is lucky you are letting her come back in. I won't.
I understand the concept of
I understand the concept of disengagement but have no experience with it. My personal opinion is that disengagement is abdication of control of your own life. I will damned sure not abdicate my ability to influence and control the behaviors of people in my home, particularly children.
Rather than abdicate that control I believe that significant others have the choice to work together and in fact not only have the choice but the responsibility to do so. In our marriage my wife and I have fairly consistently cooperated in raising the Skid. Equity life partners are also equity parents to all children in the home regardless of kid biology.
So, if the SO does not like how their mate disciplines and parents then the SO can step up and get it done before the other mate has to or .... STFU and back the mate that does step up... regardless of that mates biological relationship to the kids.
"I understand the concept of
"I understand the concept of disengagement but have no experience with it. My personal opinion is that disengagement is abdication of control of your own life."
This is a prime example of how men/women think very differently! I don't think of disengagement as abdication of control of my life or home but rather handing back DH's responsibilities to him.
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Very good response Cat!
LIKE!!
LIKE!!
Yea, that is how it should
Yea, that is how it should be. The problem is that while the SM or woman wants that, the BD or man usually just wants to pawn off their responsibilities onto someone else...the woman. Then they get pissed off at us bc we don't do it right.
While there are Dads out there that can do it all, 99% want the SM to do the women work and they just sit back and jump in occasionally.
For me, disengagement meant
For me, disengagement meant taking back my control and as Cat said, making DH 'man-up' if you will. DH was single for 8 years when I came along. (casual girlfriends, but nothing of substance) His parents did alot for him and helped immensely with SD.
This meant various things,
no grocery shopping or cooking specific to skid
no driving her anywhere
all decisions regarding what SD wants to do are 100% DH's decision
etc..
I have ZERO interaction with BM, (BM doesn't even know where we live)
I treat SD like the neighbour's kid. Polite, small talk, and make sure she doesn't get hit by a car. (even that, she gave me attitude about texting and walking through a parking lot a few years back... meh- let a car hit you.)
I also wonder what would have potentially been different had I met her when she was younger. I met SD when she was 8, now she's 15.