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Venting: why can't husbands "see" their children's behaviour and how it affects others?

Stormyweather's picture

Just needing to vent but I often shake my head in disbelief at the way my husband parents his son SS15 turning 16 in July.... By not stepping in and parenting, SS15 is allowed to have a dirty messy bathroom, bedroom, sleep constantly on the couch in the lounge room so now it smells like arse, not vacuum in the lounge room ( eats food in the lounge room too), not bring in the bins despite walking wast them coming home from school, just up and leave the house AT NIGHT when we are in bed to go and stay with his best friend ( and we find out the next morning as there's a note on the kitchen bench) leaves his clothes to wash Sunday night ( then puts them in the dryer) despite sitting and sleeping on the couch all weekend, dosent seem to be a regular attendee of school and let's him stay home, stays out all weekend partying and comes home smelling of smoke, demands his dad takes him to the doctors to fill a Script for a variety of weird things including anti depressants but turns a blind eye to hiss son knowingly drinking at parties all weekend....

I'm totally disengaged. I'm always polite and respectful and when its too much, I ask my SS 15 to clean up something foul... I get tired of Lways being the one to Ask though and I work FT and resent asking when I feel at this stage, SS15 and SD18 should know Already what's acceptable and what's not. They can be pigs.

I've learnt that me asking my husband to step in and actually parent them ends up in him getting shitty with ME!! I just know deep down I would never let my daughters treat my husband like my husband allows his son and daughter ( who dosent live with us but stores her stuff in one of the Bedrooms that I can't enter Its that messy) to treat my ( now our) home. Are these men blind? Can't they see the stress and shitty mess a Teenage son and daughter (who drops in when ever and treats the house like its a drop in motel) but if I say anything, he instantly defends hIs kids?

So I'm seeing this train wreck unfolding before my very eyes and can't wait till he wants to move out. BM is out of the picture as she washed her hands of the lad years ago and that I resent too as its now left up to my husband and of course by default, me. Sigh.

z3girl's picture

My SD was never as bad as that since she didn't live with us, but my DH told me once that I'm the only one who has a problem with her. (He didn't see her biting him at 18 and calling the police on him as poor behavior.)

My SD is now 24 and DH nows sees her as emotionally stunted. Better late than never?

Rags's picture

I suspect that DH does not in fact love his kid. If he did the bullshit would not be tolerated.

IMHO of course.

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't believe they are blind to it and/or 'can't see it'. They see it just fine. It just doesn't bother him the way it does you and many other SM that say basically the same thing on one scenario or another.

IMO I think the only way to curb it is 1)make the father aware that even though it does not bother him that it does bother you. 2)you can not and will not live under these circumstances. 3)Stop harping that he isn't 'parenting'. He is. Just not in a manner that suits you and your standards. If Dad won't ask the kid, do so yourself. If Dad objects do you really want to continue living with Dad?

Stormyweather's picture

Thanks for your comments but I know I dont "harp" but when I do end up saying anything (rarely) DH just gets shitty and instantly feels like Im nagging him to build me an extension on the house! Its disproportionate to my simple request but instead DH hears thunderous criticism of his children.

As an example, I havent said anything for about 4 months but on ONE Sunday afternoon I asked DH "who left a pile of grimy, waxy, used cotton tips on OUR bathroom vanity?" (knowing it was SS15)....DH replied (reluctantly) "I will speak to SS15". Then I went in to grab a T Towel from what is the outside room he is allowing his daughter 18 to store her stuff in and sleep there whenever she is over our way ...and after he told me he allowed it PROVIDING she kept it tidy so other guests can access the room......I went in there to discover it was like a bomb had gone off in it!!! So clearly SD18 wasnt honoring the arrangements or respecting the rules. So I mentioned "has SD18 moved in to the room permanently as there is no space for any guests to stay as there's stuff everywhere"....."he saw me asking those two questions within a period of 3 hours in one day as an attack on his kids and that Im making him have to parent. Ummmmm no....you are responsible for re negotiating what boundaries have been taken for granted and crossed by his messy kids.

DH NEVER ended up speaking to either kid about anything and I ended up picking up the used cotton tips and placing them on SS15's dirty bathroom vanity/sink and Im not sure about what to do for SD 18....there way too much stuff there now to ever be able to use that room as a guest bedroom so theres no point arguing. Its just the principle of saying she would store stuff providing others and guests can access it, then leaves a mess.

PS I noticed that the used cotton tips were put in the bin afterwards.....DH would have done that. its easier to clean up his sons mess then to confront him over the disgusting thing he did...and in OUR bathroom. Yuk...gross.

Rags's picture

Don't harp. Take picture of the mess with your phone and text it to your DH with the message "Deal with it immediately or I hire someone to haul it all off." If it is not dealt with by the next AM ... make the call and have it hauled off.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If DH gave a shit about you or his kids, this would not go undealt with.

Lemonlimez's picture

This is a constant battle in our home too. I become enraged with the excuse, "not everyone lives the way you do", such a cop out. Some will not actually parent because they don't want to anger their kids. Don't they see the harm in that long term? Evidently not.
I've threatened to leave more than once over the issue. Have to become a complete bitch to get the tiniest result.

Stormyweather's picture

TOTALLY agree with you here!!

Its not important to my DH. So he dosent get that not being a pig is important to me. I cannot challenge.,.so Ive disengaged. I am in a relationship with my husband and aim to show respect towards my Steps only. Im not looking to foster a relationship with them hence Im not parenting at all. Its tough but Im trying to get so good at letting it go, that I just dont care!

simifan's picture

I would not live that way. Sit DH down and tell him you can't take it anymore he can either move out, clean out after them or pay for housekeeping services.

Stormyweather's picture

I am disengaged...I dont parent however it does come at a cost. I need to turn a blind eye and just count down the days till he leaves home.

I just want to start not caring more and not let it get to me. Some days are better than others. How do others manage handling the mess because you are disengaged?

nunya1983's picture

I don't really know what happens, it's like these bioparents just figure if they pretend it doesn't happen then they don't Hanne to put forth the effort to fix it. Because why fix it, when they are just going to go to the other house and do it anyways?

I'm not saying I agree with it, I think you have to work extra hard to get them to "see the light" for them to understand what they ate doing is not OK and is going to effect their future, that's our job as a parent. If dh can make them care about their future, maybe he can make a difference that changes his behavior in both houses.

Stormyweather's picture

We have SS15 24/7 365 days a year.....BM put a restraining order on her own son and telling the world that she wished she could have her son living with her..and that she misses him sooooo much :sick: but she cant have him living with her because she is "afraid of him"...SS15 did say some nasty things to her the night he was admitted into the children's ward after trying to commit suicide but BM refused to sign him out or make any attempt to collect him when he was allowed to go home (and she hid all this from my DH)...But she would do this to him all the time; pick him up when living with his dad (before we were married) and drop him off to live with a friend of hers or when we were living together, give SS14 (at the time) all the numbers to call life line and the police encouraging him to run away and instead of picking him up for him to come and live with her, she then gave him bus money to go to a state foster care center to arrange foster care for himself..SICK! If I was her son I would say worse to her then what my SS15 said to her that night....she couldn't get to the police to lodge the restraining order quick enough! Bitch.

So this poor kid has mother and abandonment issues...I get that...but it still drives me mad that he is a pig.

PS: BM refuses to have her own son live with her as her BF hates him....

Vivian7's picture

Disengaged from parenting--yes. Bravo. But I also look at these things from another perspective. You ARE the "lady of the house," and as such you are absolutely allowed to confront people about their habits within your home. Certain rules and expectations are for the comfort of everyone and you are most certainly allowed to regulate those situations--step kid or not.

IMHO these are the exact situations that fall under that requirement.

StepMat789's picture

Lady of the House or just the women who lives there? Here is the issue...it isn't you! It is your husband and his inability to be a parent.

This is NOT going to change. No matter what you do. He has skated by for how many years of this behavior, not you, the BM or God is going to change him unless he decideds too.

I live in a home that is less than my standard of living. I got tired of the battles with my husband and SKIDS. They were raised differently and I can not get the to change or even see the benefits of keeping things clean.

Best advise I have for you, things are not going to change. You have to change how you react to the SS and DH. I appauled those who have made it work and gotten their spouses to change for the good of the family. But, it takes two people to do that, not just one.

I wish you nothing but the best!

AllySkoo's picture

I suspect you know this, but you don't have an skid problem - you have a DH problem. Your DH is not respecting YOU, or your marriage.

Forget the kids. Don't mention "SS made this mess" or "SD's stuff is everywhere." Nope, treat all the skids' trash as DH's.

"DH, you left used cotton balls on the vanity. It's gross, please clean that up." (This will likely be followed by, "I didn't do that!" Lol To which you can reply, "Oh. Well I certainly didn't do it, so please take care of it." See how you didn't even mention the kids?)

"DH, I can't walk in the spare room. Please straighten that out." (Him: "It's not MY stuff!" You: "Well it's certainly not mine. Please take care of it or throw it out by the end of the week.")

You are, by implication, telling him that he WILL by god be responsible for keeping your home neat - and if HIS children are making a mess and he won't deal with them, then HE can clean it. As long as your home is clean, who cares? So stop mentioning them at all and treat ALL messes as DH messes. Who knows? He may get so tired of cleaning up after them that he actually (*gasp*) makes them clean up after themselves!

Sparklelady's picture

LOL! I did this! I stopped getting mad at the crappy job my SS16 was doing when cleaning the bathroom and started asking my husband to clean up the leftover mess instead.

Made ME feel better!

Drac0's picture

To be fair, "wives" of CPD's have the same problem (well my wife does at any rate).

If my son ever came close to behaving the way your son is, I'd take a sabbatical from work to become his shadow. I'd follow him everywhere. Make him do what he is supposed to do. Ride the bus with him to school, sit in classs next to him, etc. I'd do this until he snaps out of this fugue he is in. If that doesn't work, I'd start talking about military school.

My SS is a lazy carbon-based life form as well (admitedly no where near as bad yours) but if it wasn't for me, I don't think my wife would be riding his ass. Admmitedly she did it at first because she didn't like me getting angry at her piss-poor parenting but with my wife, it is three steps forward, two-steps back. I can't really complain since we are (technically) moving forward.

My only suggestion to you Stormyweather, is to draw a clear line in the sand. The kid is going to be 18 in two years? Tell your husband that unless your SS shapes up and shows that he has some direction in life, that you will not support an adult living in your house who is really just mooching off you guys and causing you stress. I did this with my wife (had to repeat it two times actually) for her to get the picture and forced her to step up and actualy parent her son.

Stormyweather's picture

Thanks guys for your input and feedback and it's frustrating for a lot of step parents regardless of gender. I came home last night around 6pm and of course SS was home in the lounge room in this case busy doing homework ( for a change)... Bin still outside sitting uncollected since Monday morning. Bugger it, I asked him to collect it and he reluctantly interrupts his homework to collect it which took him 20 mins to do as he must have been calling his friend.... So what my plan is to ask him to start doing more around the house now and he will be cleaning his bathroom BEFORE he goes to his friends place this weekend as well as I'm planning to have a word to him about sleeping in his own room... He does it because he can.

I am still disengaged but I'm planning to ask more from him seeing his own father dosent. He will grow up to be a slob but at least I will try and work on a few areas I control.

Stormyweather's picture

I got home from work last night and asked SS15 to sleep in his own room from now on and to clean both his bathroom and the lounge room before he visits his friends place this weekend....he gladly agreed ...WOW

He slept in his bedroom last night Blum 3

Im waiting to see if he vacuums the lounge room and cleans his bathroom this afternoon (as its a long weekend here starting tonight and he will be wanting to visit his friend tonight)

I havent said anything and nor am not going to say anything to my DH..why should I? He has already proved to me how ineffectual he is regarding parenting and raising a kid to have respect and values in living decently with another person, especially when they have come into live in my house which is now their home. I know I wouldnt let my kids do this to him and his house should the shoe be on the other foot but its not. So Ive decided to stop not saying anything and allowing my DH to parent and i will be taking charge from now on. I think deep down my DH wants me to do his dirty work as he cant be bothered....

Stormyweather's picture

Totally! I agree. He is your typical alpha male whose strength I love and admire. He is amazing to me as his wife but when it comes to his kids he just turns the other cheek... Like at times he is strict with them but other times ( becoming more frequently as they get older) more permissive like he can't be bothered saying or doing anything.

Many months ago when SS15 started sleeping every night on the couch and essentially living in the lounge room while he ignores his own purpose built outside teenage retreat that most teenagers would die to have, I asked him then about saying something to his son about sleeping in his room and not spreading his stuff ( old dirty shoes, clothes and bedding) in the lounge room... He just grunted as if to say " don't ask me to Say or do anything as I don't want to"... Fast forward to the other day ( and all those months later) I simply ask SS15 to sleep from now on in his bedroom and NOT the lounge room and SS15 does.... How hard is it to actually say something?

The vacuum is still sitting in the middle of the lounge room and the bathroom is still disgusting. He didn't clean things before he left to go to his friends place as he rushed home, grabbed stuff for himself and for a party that night and rushed out.

It will still be there when he returns whenever that will be. No doubt SS15 will need a couple of days to recover from partying hard and will need to sober up before he comes home. In the mean time I'm enjoying my peace and I close the lounge room door otherwise the smell of arse drifts out.... Not my kid.