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Guilty Dad Syndrome

colotwinsdad's picture

I have been told by my DH that I exhibit guilty Dad syndrome. Difficulty dealing with my daughters tears, not fully enforcing the discipline or rules, etc.

I have to agree it is hard to do. I have them EOW and week on week off in the summer. I do fear that they will think I don't love them even though they know I do and that they will go live with their BM, which I fear because I don't think she will push them to succeed in life.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get past these feelings?

HungryEyes's picture

They will love you. You're their Dad. But you need to do that Dad stuff like set boundaries, rules, and expectations. This is one of the most important things to the development of your children as well as the relationship with your wife.

If you search this site, you'll see plenty of woman suffering with men who are doing the Guilty Dad thing and they are ready to walk.

Aeron's picture

Take a look at your logic. You're afraid BM won't push them to succeed in life but you're teaching them that rules and discipline aren't required of them - that they're too special. Teaching them this is going to completely cripple them as adults. They will be unable to cope with the expectations of other adults, the workplace, healthy relationships.

You being a pushover is also not going to convince your children that you love them, it's going to tell them that you are weak and not to be taken seriously. It will show them that they can get and do what they want because you can be manipulated or coerced into giving in. This gives kids far too much power, which they are not equipped to cope with. It keeps them from feeling safe,protected and cared for.

hereiam's picture

I do fear that they will think I don't love them even though they know I do and that they will go live with their BM, which I fear because I don't think she will push them to succeed in life.

And you think that giving in to their tears and not enforcing rules and discipline will push them to succeed in life?

I don't really understand your post, as it seems contradictory to me. You don't think BM will push them because she is too permissive? But you are permissive because you fear they won't love you otherwise? Makes no sense.

Be a dad, parent them the way you would without the fear. It's in their best interest to put your fear aside.

colotwinsdad's picture

thank you all for the advise. I realize that my logic seems contradictory. My brain says push them, stay consistent and all will be well, but once in a while my heart gets overwhelmed and I try to comfort them and try to fix it for them.

hereiam's picture

I get that, and there is nothing wrong with comforting your children and wanting to fix things for them. But teach them how to fix things for themselves. That way, you are helping them but you are preparing them for life by helping them help themselves. Comfort them without coddling them.

Sometimes kids just need a hug, sometimes they need a hug AND a kick in the pants!

dood's picture

... as one of the MANY women on this site, I'm going to say, for the love of all that is holy, grow a pair and be a parent. There are not many things that are more of a TURN OFF to women, than watching their DH's limp along after their kids.

Your kids do not need another friend. They need a father.

Sorry - this post makes me a little mad.

colotwinsdad's picture

I certainly don't want my daughters to turn out to be dependant on society, which is why I am here asking for this advice. the more I can learn, the better I can do, and the better they will turn out.

Oops just realized it said DH in the original post. Meant DW.

daddyrob's picture

All I can tell you is that no matter where you or they live, you are their FATHER and will always be their FATHER. You have to maintain discipline regardless. I went through this as well. It has been 4 years now and my daughters who were 9 and 5 at the time took advantage of my guilt. It didn't help them at all. I went back to being Dad. I am a no nonsense type of father and have gone back to that. I have punished them while with me. If you stick to your guns and teach with your discipline, they will learn. The only thing you owe them is being their father. Father them how you would if you saw them all day every day. Do not change your parenting, they will notice the change and push the limits. It does not make them bad kids, its normal for a child to try and get away with all they can. Good luck to you.

Rags's picture

Sure, choose to get past them. Guilt feelings are a choice. Make a different one.

Sekhemre's picture

As a stepmom, I wholeheartedly agree. I can totally get the fear--but they need a parent more than a friend. And a parent that teaches them why the boundaries are there, helps them problem solve & learn to how to fix their own problems in the long run is the parent they will likely respect the most & gravitate towards. Depending on how old they are--they may not appreciate it as much now, but the parent that mentors is almost always the one with the strongest relationship as they get older & grow up.

Remember that you are modelling the behaviour they will come to believe is healthy. This is one of the biggest arguments I have with my DH over the SSs. If they see a united front between you & your DW where problems are discussed, resolved & healthy boundaries negotiated, they will be more likely to build healthy, successful relationships in their own lives.

Slick Vic's picture

My boyfriend is a Guilty Dad, and it is ruining my relationship which used to be wonderful. His "logic" is just like yours. Continue on this path at your peril - and sacrifice your marriage to it. Being a step mom is hard, please acknowledge this to your wife. Your marriage needs to be a stable foundation which supports you in raising your kids. It's very difficult to stand by and watch a Guilty Dad make what can only turn out to be mistakes in relation to lack of discipline etc. No one will thank you for it in the long run, least of all the ungrateful and badly behaved children who will be the end product. I appreciate the conflicts around being a part time dad. But be strong, be a father not a friend as others have mentioned above, and have faith that by parenting the best you can in deep down what you KNOW is the most appropriate way, that you will have fewer regrets in the long run. Good luck to you