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Notifying other parent when child stay home sick

VENUS452's picture

SS stayed home from school the other day, with a fever. DH happened to call that evening to talk to SS and BM said he was sleeping and that he stayed home from school. DH asked why she didn't inform him that he was staying home and BM's response was, "It's my day, I don't have to tell you what we do" and hung up.

This really bothers me, but of course this isn't covered in their CO. I personally feel DH should be informed when he stay's home and that it doesn't fall under the "my day" category. I agree she doesn't need to update DH every second with what their doing, but missing school is different.

So it bothered me to the point that I decided to log into SS's online report card and noticed he had 5 tardy's and 4 absences, two of which were unexcused! Now 1 absence we were aware of, he was at our house with strep. Also, we were aware of 1 unexcused tardy from his parent/teacher conference in March, of which BM claimed was a mistake and that she would fix with the office. SO that means, since MARCH, he has been late 4 times and absent 3 days!!! That seems like a lot! And DH wasn't aware of any of these, or the reason's why. He's with us half the time, and as far as I know he hasn't been sick in the past few months and SS has never mentioned staying home from school or being late.

I told DH to reach out to the teacher and talk to BM about it, maybe there was a mistake....

As for the unexcused absences, I don't think there's any reason for that. He's in Kindergarten, this is not a good way to start off his academics, not to mention that's not teaching him good values either.

However, I really feel like BM should be notifying DH when SS misses school. Am I wrong?

nunya1983's picture

I agree that bm doesn't have to inform dh work everything that goes on, but do you expect bm to call for every sniffle? perhaps not, but "if it's severe enough that he stays home from school, maybe a courtesy text Would be appreciated." Just let her know that way. Maybe she won't get her panties in a bind, I don't know your bm, she may live with her panties in a bind...

Also, I don't keep my kids home often, I make them take vitamins and an extra vitamin c daily as well as drink tea and they eat extremely healthy and get 10 hours of sleep daily, so they don't get sick often...

Ninji's picture

My Skids BM keeps them home from school all the time. Last year for an entire week for NO REASON! She doesn't tell SO because she knows she is wrong for keeping them home from school for no reason.

Clear example BM told SO that the kids will be missing school this Thursday because of her wedding. Ok good reason. But she never told him about kids missing school in Dec to stay home and make cookies with her. :? Not good reason.

Shaman29's picture

Uberskank used to keep skid home from school to babysit her little sisters.

H would find out after the fact.

He could choose to raise a stink in court, costing him time and money, which would result in no resolution and more problems from Uberskank. Or he could simply tell Uberskank he would prefer she get help from her mother babysitting her other kids (not H's bios) and let skid go to school instead.

He chose the latter. She would respond with eff you! I'm the custodial parent! I make the rules! And she was sick anyway!

Shaman29's picture

He's home with a bug. Not a broken leg, cancer or head injury. Kids get sick. He's in kindergarten for dogsake! They pass around illnesses at that age like candy.

Academic career. Sheesh.

Yes....major, critical health issues should be communicated between BM and your H.

But every freaking cold or flu?? Really??

If I were your BM, I would go over the top with this request and make your lives miserable.

I would have kicked Uberskank's ass if she called or texted every freaking time the skid stayed at home with a bug.

Now.....if there is an issue regarding being late to school, your H should discuss it with his ex. Let them work it out.

You seem to be a bit overly involved in this matter. My only advice, to save your sanity, is to let your H worry about his kid and his academic career. Because honestly, if you're getting this wrapped up in a -kindergartner's life, I can't imagine what's in store for your 5-7-10 years down the road.

VENUS452's picture

But does your child have unexcused absences? It doesn't take much for the absence to be excused, fever, strep, pink eye, family reasons....all excused. What I don't understand is, why does he have unexcused ones. What reason is he staying home that the school deems unexcused?

Maybe things have changed, but when I went to school, three unexcused and the parents got a call from the principal and had to meet with them.

It just makes me wonder if he's missing school for a valid reason. If he's sick, he's sick, I have no issue with that.

If SS is sick and stays home, DH informs her. If he want's SS to miss school for another reason (for example, a funeral), he talks to her about it to make sure it's ok.

I guess DH and I feel differently about these things than most.

Disneyfan's picture

My son had unexcused absences each year?
Was he sick each time? NOPE

Twice a year I would burn a personal day and keep my son out of school. We would go to lunch, see a movie (Harry Potter), hang out at a museum....My son was always an excellent student. He graduated from college with honors last spring. He's currently in grad school.

I have friends who pulled their kids out of school every year for family vacations.(disney, cruises, Caribbean resorts, to visit family....). Today those kids are in college, med school, law school, or starting their careers.

Missing a few days of school will not doom the kid.

momandmore's picture

Nope. I used to keep BM informed of Dr's appointments as that was in the CO. I stopped after like a year of that, she wasn't concerned about it so I wasn't wasting my time. Then about a year later she complained that I didn't let her know about Dr's appointments. :?

I mean.. this is after she lost her right to know about anything DH doesn't want to tell her.

But no, I don't think the OP needs to be notified every time the child has a cold.

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

My kids in kindergarten. He missed at least 10 days for illness. It's been a very bad year for viral illness. I'd dare a SM to say word one to me about MY child missing 4 or 5 days...

momandmore's picture

Oh I totally agree! That wouldn't go over well with me either!!!

DH also does this thing where he lets the kids skip on their birthdays so now my kids get to do it too... sometimes they don't want to :? lol

VENUS452's picture

Yes, they do and their CO specifically talks about both parties agreeing on where he goes to school, doctors, etc. and that had to be put in after she took it upon herself to sign him up for a different preschool, after they agreed on one and DH paid the first month upfront (non-refundable), without talking to DH about it. But of course it doesn't specifically say, "If SS stays home, is tardy, etc. the other parent shall be notified" and if every little rule isn't written down, BM won't follow.

DH just got joint Physical and Legal two years ago (he only had joint legal before - because he thought he didn't need any attorney when the original decision was made - MEN) and she still cannot grasp, even though she's been told plenty of times, that she does not get to just make those kinds of decisions without DH's input.

I realize it's not a huge deal if she doesn't tell DH, but he feels like an idiot at parent teacher conferences when he's caught off guard when the teacher says, "as you can see he has an unexcused tardy and we really want to avoid those" and he has no clue what she's talking about. He's worked his butt off to be involved in his son's life and not be an "every other weekend dad". So I just get frustrated with the continuing disregard. She has three kids with three different dad's and all three dad's are super involved in their kids lives. She doesn't realize how lucky she is!! She could be doing it all on her own, like my mom did.

Disneyfan's picture

If you were able to go to the site and see the number of days the kid has been out or late, then dad has the ability to that as well. If he wluld check on a regular basis, he wouldn't be surprised if the teacher brings it up.

hippiegirl's picture

Be careful what you wish for. Do you really want BM calling your man every time skid doesn't feel good? Why do you care?

I guess I was (and still am) an aloof stepmom.

Disneyfan's picture

I'm a teacher and I kept my son out for a fun day twice a year. If a parents comes to me worried about pulling their kid out of school for a week in order to go on vacation, I say go and have a great time.

Not all parents are hell bent on their kid walking away with the perfect attendance award at the end of the year. Pulling a kid out of school every now and then doesn't mean you do not value education.

nunya1983's picture

There are plenty of breaks in the year for vacations. Not including thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, summer. There are all the teacher in service days that make for great 3 day weekend vacations. Sometimes they even line up with a holiday and make a sweet 4 day weekend.

Disneyfan's picture

Actually, testing week is a great time to pull your kids for vacation. Many parents are opting out of the testing. If you opt out, going on vacations is better than having the kid sitting in school doing nothing while the other kids are testing.

Disneyfan's picture

Nunya,what world do you live in?

Not all families have the luxury of planning their vacations around the school calendar. Some employers grant vacation request based on seniority. If you're the new kid on the block, getting time off during school break isn't going to happen.

nunya1983's picture

That's why I am saying forget the spring break, thanksgiving break and, and winter break. I said, if you go back and look, use the teacher in service days, they make nice 3 day weekends to do vacations.

Disneyfan's picture

A 3 day weekend isn't a vacation. Who wants to spend big bucks on airfare for only a few days. The people I know don't view the weekend at the beach, camping, indoor water park...as a vacation. That is just little get away. A vacation is a week or more at the beach, on a cruise, Disney World.....

There are only 2 in service days for NYC public schools. One is Election Day(a Tuesday) and Brooklyn/Queens day(the first Thursday in June)

Maxwell09's picture

If attendance is such a priority to your DH...in kindergarten...then he needs to keep up with it. But I don't think BM should have to keep him informed over every little cough and sniffle especially if most of the educational responsibilities fall on her anyway. A virus where he missed a week, I can understand but a day here or there over a 6 month period isn't going to kill him in kindergarten.

IslandGal's picture

If it was just a cold/sniffle or he was just feeling yuck and she kept him home, then I don't believe BM should tell SO. If it was serious, then yes. It would drive SO and I bloody mental if she called/texted to let him know whenever skids were feeling sick and kept home - that's just too much contact, particularly when dealing with a toxic BM.

However, if it was serious - then absolutely she should let DH know. I'm thinking he would do the same for her (at least I hope so).

When SD14 decided to cut herself (not deep and not serious at all), she was taken to the hospital, as BM called the ambulance and the police attended due to her age. BM didn't bother to call SO. He only found out when SS13 called him. SS13 also informed him that SD14 did NOT want SO to visit her. She was taken home the next day and off hangin' with her mates that night.. personally, I hope like hell she gets counselling - but I doubt that BM would arrange this, as she likes to place all the blame for SD's attitude squarely on SO's shoulders 'cos she's still bitter over the fact that he moved on (after 6 years).. goddamn twat..!
...sorry..got a bit carried away there..

Strengthh's picture

For an absence to be excused at my kids school the child must turn in the note to the teacher. The teacher must get the note to the office. The office staff must act on the note and mark the absence exscused. There can and have been errors due to all people involved. Maybe my school is very disorganized, what they do is they ask to fill out absent notes, sometimes months later so they can file them and correct the portal.

4ever's picture

I think if its happening a lot then both parents need to be aware so the kid doesn't fall behind in school or if it's a major illness or injury then obvs both parents need to know. But staying home for a cold? I'm not sure, depends on your situation. My husband's ex freaks out every time she sees a tardy or an absence and my stepdaughter missed only 3 days of school this year! I think the ex uses it as an excuse to call my husband.

VENUS452's picture

Thanks for the feedback everyone!! Whether is what what I wanted to hear or not, I appreciate it. I shared these comments with my DH and he agreed that if it's something the really bothers him that he needs to keep a closer eye on it. He's getting there Smile

Here's an update though....and this started one HELL of a fire storm....

We had sports pictures yesterday. Typically DH would pick up SS after-school for our day but DH is the coach and had to be at the site early, so he and BM had discussed that SS would go to her house after school and she would bring him when it was his teams turn, so he didn't have to sit around for an hour. I arrived a little later to drop off DH's checkbook. SS came up to me and gave me a hug, I asked him how school was and he strangely looked at BM and then said it was good, but quickly changed the subject. I didn't think much of it because he always acts a little weird when we're all in the same room together. He came home with us after pictures were done and at dinner he complained of a stomach ache. Having been told he was sick earlier that week, I just told him to do his best but not to force it. Once DH was out of ear shot (or so SS thought) he sat next to me and said, "I don't think my tummy hurts because I'm sick, I think it hurts because I lied to you and daddy". I asked him what he lied about and he told me that he didn't go to school that day or the day before. When I asked him why he lied he said "mommy told me to because daddy would think she was a bad mom for not sending me to school" Still thinking he was home sick, I explained that sometimes you get sick and have to stay home and that DH would not be mad....and that's when he said he wasn't sick and he just stayed home "because". I told SS he needed to tell DH about his lie and apologize. When I went to find DH and prep him, I realized he heard the whole thing and was already outside with BM on the phone....and so began World War 75.

Once he finally calmed down he came in, he and SS talked about lying, etc. I could tell that he felt much better after coming clean and I really hope BM doesn't punish him for telling the truth, thankfully he's with us for the next week so DH and BM will have time to calm down. I'm proud of him for being honest but saddened he was put in that position in the first place. DH started telling me about their conversation/argument and I asked him to stop and said I really just didn't want to know (I'm learning Smile slowly, but I'm learning).

So today was the first day of school that he attended all week...I find that obnoxious, but I'm letting it go.