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I feel like I'm walking on eggshells

Rosie99's picture

I came here for some advice because honestly, I don't know what else I can do.

My dad left my mom when I was 2. He literally just dissappeared from my life. Mom raised me on her own since. Last year, my dad got back in contact and we started talking over the phone and even met a few times. Our relationship has gotten stronger since, but we're not super close. About two months ago he asked my mom if he could take me from May 23rd to June 19th. Mom asked me if I was okay with it and I said sure, thinking it might be nice to get to meet the rest of my relatives.

Dads married now. He has a 1 year old with his wife and they're planning on having no. 2. I also have grandparents, aunts and uncles who didn't know I existed until dad got back in contact last year. He's apologized for leaving and said he'll make it up to me.

So my main problem is my stepmother/dads wife. Before I agreed to come he said she was okay with me being here. But when I got here Saturday, I knew she wasn't. She kept staring at me. When dad told me to sit, she kept looking at me, making me uncomfortable. She made a few comments about how I wasn't sitting on the couch properly. So I ended up standing because I seemed to be annoying her. My dad asked me why I was standing and I made an excuse that I was tired of sitting all day.

Then my dad wanted me to hold my half brother. His wife got annoyed and said she needed to feed him. Dad asked if I could help and she said she wanted time with her baby. I told dad it was okay and he started telling me stories about the stuff he remembered from when I was born (he's told me these several times since we reconnected). His wife came in after a while and said she'd put the baby down for a nap and she was going to make dinner. A few minutes after he wanted to get me a soda and I said it was okay, I could get it. He told me they'd bought some especially for me and he told he where it was. When I looked in the refrigerator and there was no soda. My dads wife then said that she gave the soda they had to her nephew because he was having a party.

Stuff like that kept happening the first day and the second day. There was a tension there. I haven't felt comfortable since. I've tried talking to my dads wife, but she either ignores me or I shouldn't be asking questions like that. One of the questions she responded like that to was how many siblings she had. It kind of put me off trying. So I've been mostly spending time in the room I'm sleeping in and hanging out with my dad, when he's home. I don't eat unless he's home because I've been told she won't be cooking for me, and I really don't want to annoy her more than I have. I haven't held my half brother yet. I've played with him once, when he was on the floor, but she took him away as soon as she saw me with him.

I spoke to my mom yesterday and she told me I can come home if I'm not happy here. But I keep worrying that I'm going to upset or annoy someone here no matter what I do. I've asked my dad if he's sure his wife is okay with me being here and he said of course she is. I don't believe him, honestly. I wonder if he just sprung it on her or ignored her wishes. But it's making it impossible for me to feel comfortable here. He wants us to go out to dinner Friday night and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Rosie99's picture

Hi Sally,

I just turned 16.

I'm not sure how long she's known about me. I think my dad said he told her before they got married, but he's told me quite a lot since we reconnected. It's hard to keep up. Especially when he repeats certain things over and over again.

To be totally honest, I have a feeling she's more uncomfortable than me in some ways. It's her house with my dad and their family. I've never been part of that and now I'm here for so long. I just wish I could get to know her, maybe develop a relationship. But everything I say gets shut down. Every offer to help, too.

I'll see how things go today. I really don't want to cause any trouble with them.

LOL. Yeah. I know I gave my dad a really hard time when he got back in contact. So I guess she could be worried I'll do the same to her. Thanks for the advice!

happybutfrustrated's picture

How old are you? I guess from your username that you're 15/16?

Firstly, this situation is not your fault.

Adults are going through life for the first time, too. New challenges arrive for us sometimes daily and we should be better equipped to deal with those challenges through what we've learned and experienced in the years up until the present moment in our lives. Sometime we make the right call, sometimes we don't. You are a new person, an almost adult person (I'm assuming your age and level of maturity based on your post) and you've come into the home a woman who has an infant, with one on the way. She is probably slightly unsure of you, she needs to get the measure of you before she can trust you with her children and in her home. Women who are in her situation can be fiercely territorial and protective of their homes and family so part of her attitude with you could be down to her establishing that she is the mama bear.

You all (dad, SM, you) will have different expectations of how you fit into the home for the time you are there. Perhaps nobody really gave it any thought before you got there, half the battle is often just agreeing the general arrangements i.e. you come stay for a month and everyone accepts it. The issue is, that past that point, nobody thinks about how it will work in practice. Or they do, and worry about all kinds of unknowns without communicating with each other.

Your SM has agreed you can stay, to support your dad with his relationship with you. Maybe your SM had some worries, "I don't know this person. I wouldn't have strangers in my home around my babies and I in any other situation, what if this kid can't be trusted? What if she comes in expecting to be Daddies Princess, wanting to be the centre of attention and taking my husband away from me and OUR babies". Most of that will likely be kept in her head but some of it will be voiced as a concern and your dad would reassured her with "But she's a great kid, you'll see, she can play with her step-brother and you can a minute to yourself". But in her head, there will be a niggling concern that won't go away until she KNOWS you, until she gets the measure of you. She would be the same with anybody.

Now, you seem like you can take stock of situations with a more grown-up outlook than some of us have experienced with our own SKids. So I'll say this hoping you can see I'm saying it for what it is because the sooner all of your new reality is accepted, the sooner you can move forward. You must also consider that you are a child from a previous relationship, who hasn't featured in your dads life for a long time. You didn't say how long your dad and his wife have been married or together, and while she likely knew about you and the possibility of meeting you one day, it can be hard for us adults to adjust the IDEA we have of what our lives are and should be. A lot of people put up with a lot of stuff to try to cling on to that "idea". Now you are a real feature in your dads life, in her life, and there will be a period of adjustment for her more than anyone.

You seem like a good, mature young lady and you can make an effort to make yourself a more appealing prospect to your SM. The issue most SM's have with SKids is that they're lazy, or always there, or making mess, or being loud, or rude etc. Then pretty much everything they do is annoying past that point. Don't hide in your room, go for a walk so your out of the house for little while. Offer to help, even if it's just fetching fresh nappies or baby wipes. If you're hungry and it's appropriate, ask if you could make yourself a sandwich and offer her one too, or start small with glasses of water etc. Although you have nothing wrong, offer an olive branch and endear yourself to her. Play with the baby when she's there to supervise, ask questions about him. Mothers LOVE talking about babies... She'll come to trust you more in time.

If you find that making this effort with her is still met with contempt and impatience on her part, you need to discuss how you feel with your dad. Which is a difficult subject so try the softly, softly approach with her first.

Rosie99's picture

Hi happybutfrustrated,

Yeah, I just turned 16! And I will admit, I've been worried about it since he mentioned me coming here. There were a few things I was unsure of. Especially since I'd never met her before Saturday and hadn't spoken to her on the phone either. But dad assured me everyone was excited for me to come and stay.

They've been married 4 and a half years. Sorry for not mentioning that in my post.

Playing with the baby definitely isn't an option. She picks him up the second she sees me. I've offered to help with the baby or cooking, etc. I even asked if she needed anything from the store when I went to get a couple of things. But she told me she didn't want or need my help. So I'm out of ideas.

The walk is a pretty good idea. And I definitely will go do something today. Maybe I'll check out a few bookstores while I'm here since they seem to have a few good ones.

Thanks for the advice!

ltman's picture

I was just thinking that. Is it a case of trying to be more mature or just another troll?

No offence if you're real. We get alot of people that pretend to be other than what they are to stir things up.

happybutfrustrated's picture

Really...? We leave compulsory education at 16 where I live, and if you haven't got enough English skill to construct letters, emails, blog posts by then, you're not going to.

I would totally expect a 16yo to have that good written English. My BSstb13 writes that well in emails to me - the content is far less mature, admittedly.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Amen. Sounds like whats-her-face from just the other day. Paragraphs, too! Someone needs to get a day job and quit staying up so late. }:) How many teens use the term "walking on eggshells?"

Wait.......*POOF*.......there she goes.

Again.

Jsmom's picture

The OP is not asking for anything from us, except some good advice. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt rather than feel we are being crewed. Judgemental much? As for writing skills, mine were excellent at 16 having had a very good honors English teacher...

For the OP, sounds like your SM has not had much time to process this and is worried how you are going to affect her family. Just stay out of the fray with her and keep trying to be a good houseguest. She may warm up to you, she may not. But, just do not add to her fears and she can just be your Dad's wife to you and honestly that is okay for all of you.

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

Rosie, your SM sounds like a real cunt.

Address your concerns with your father. If he sees her being nasty and dismissive towards you and allows it to continue then you deserve better in your life than either of them.

Good luck.

ctnmom's picture

If this was true, the SM would be a monster by any standard. "Sitting on the couch wrong"? At her 1st visit and interaction? Please. Summertime, and the livin is easy- I mean trolling!

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

I believe she mentioned in a comment they have been married four years and SM knew of her before they were married. So it isn't a surprise step child.

She also mentioned there was tension between herself and her father when he first contacted her ( she wasn't very receptive ) so perhaps SM knew he had a child but assumed that child would stay out of the picture as previously and is furious her husband is breaking the status quo just when she would like his undivided attention on her baby?

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

I agree.

Rags's picture

Rosie,

Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Your story is both sad and infuriating to me as a man. It is sad that your "father" abandoned you and now it is just as sad that he is trying to force you into his life and his new family and marriage. Something that his wife clearly has no interest in.

That is not your fault. I would suggest that you take your dad aside, recount the things that have made you uncomfortable and tell him you are ready to go home. Map out a call schedule and a few short visits so you can start to bond with your dad and your little sibs. Your SM may never be engaging or welcoming but that should not prevent you from having a relationship with your family and younger siblings. If she can't act as an adult and treat you with some respect then it is up to you to deal with her as an adult. Do not tolerate her disrespect, call her on it in a direct, assertive, mature way. Don't let her weasle out of her bullshit behavior or her disrespect. She is a passive/aggressive bully and like any bully she must be confronted openly so others are clear on her bully crap.

It is truly sad that you are the only adult in this entire situation. Your father certainly is not, your SM... well nuff said about her, and I am somewhat puzzled by your mother serving you up for this very odd reintroduction to your father.

Take care of yourself young lady.

Please.

And if you are a troll .... well .... read between the lines!