Overwhelmed by SK's
I am a physician in Ohio. I got dumped by ex wife 6 years ago when my daughter was 6 months old. I share custody of her. I met my current wife online. She told me she was on the pill but she still got pregnant after a 3 month relationship. My current wife had just completed a three year divorce process from a psychopath wife/child abuser. Oh, and she had four kids with the creep. Knowing all this, I married her (I did love her, plus coming off a bad divorce of my own). She moved across town into a new house I bought. Her kids are now 13,13, 17, and 19. All of them live under my roof. My wife and I have a son together; he's now 3. When my daughter is with me, we have six kids in the home.
My wife doesn't work. We decided together that the house would run smoother if she was around at all times.
This is why if I was a guy I
This is why if I was a guy I would insist on using a condom.
Anyway, sounds like you are in a tough situation. You say you did love her, do you still?
Are you overwhelmed by your
Are you overwhelmed by your skids or are you overwhelmed with the resentment that you feel been trapped?
Because your post sounds like you kinda feeling trapped:
1) she was on the pill but she still got pregnant after a 3 month relationship
2) Knowing all this, I married her
3) My wife doesn't work
Sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders
I screwed up the post.
I screwed up the post. Didn't finish. Here are some issues:
1) 4 teenagers (SK's) in the house. The 14 yo boy is a behavioral issue. 25 holes in the walls. Swears like a sailor. Very demanding of his accommodating mother.
2) My wife insists that she doesn't want me disciplining the children. She wants to take care of all that. The kids have no chores or responsibilities. None. I work 80 hrs a week and do the lawn, take out the garbage, clean up the family room, etc etc. Nor do the older ones have jobs.
3) Money. I make a decent living as a doc. Buy my monthly expenses exceed what I bring in. My wife doesn't work. There is no financial support for the sk's. I pay food, gas, cars, insurance, bills, sports fees, etc etc. I gave my wife a credit card for household expenses. Every month I pay $6-8000 bill. And when our son is 5 and off to school my wife plans to go back to work but only to earn money for her kids to have college paid for. I have a 3 and 6 year of my own. There will be no reserve for them
4) My wife sees my daughter as a threat. Anytime I do anything with her one on one she sulks and gets pissy. I now have to conceal our daddy/daughter time from her.
Im a mental wreck. I can't go on much longer
When she goes to work, her
When she goes to work, her money will only be for her kids, but your money is for all the kids?????
Dude, your a doctor, you know where your balls are....use them!
Run to a lawyer, file and get
Run to a lawyer, file and get custody of your kid with her. I know it sounds rash, but I promise you, it will only get worse. Get out while you can, no reason you need to be doing all of that while she only provides for her brood. It's not teamwork and she's being unfair. Sounds like she bagged you because you're a doctor so she would have someone to pay for all her kids. Sorry man.
Sounds like a bad situation,
Sounds like a bad situation, and like you're (justifiably) very resentful.
Have you considered doing some individual therapy to work through the situation? I think I know what I would do in your shoes, but you need to figure it out for yourself.
Ive considered therapy. Not
Ive considered therapy. Not sure how it would improve things. Wife pretty inflexible when it comes to her kids. This life demands a Christ-level degree of humility/self sacrifice. I dont know if I have it in me. Worn out
Maybe its time to sit wifey
Maybe its time to sit wifey down and explain it.
Tell her your about to burn out and this need to be a team effort.
Is the spending excessive in your opinion?
Sometimes when your married to a workaholic or a man who has a demanding job and isn't home much, you can sometimes find yourself shopping as an activity to pass the times and justifying it by "well if he is at work rather than with me I may as well spend the money"
Oh holy cow, you've really
Oh holy cow, you've really stepped in it, now haven't you?! I don't know what therapy will do, it never worked for me - but you really need to put your foot down and assume control over your household. I know a lot of women might take this as a personal affront, but you mentioned Christ, so I have to say that a strong Christian man is supposed to lead his home. When you don't, this is what happens. When this situation happens, she will also lose respect for you because not only are you not assuming your position as man of the house, you are allowing yourself to be walked all over, on her watch (which, she apparently is perfectly ok with). I know you won't like this, but a man who allows himself to be walked over like this is not worthy of respect and a woman like that will not show it. I would also question the degree to which her ex is a psycho - while it is possible he's psycho, maybe she helped drive him to it since it appears that she is manipulative and disrespectful and no man or marriage thrives under those circumstances. Marriage requires flexibility and mutual support - I'm not seeing/hearing that this is the case. I would only consider therapy if you told her 'enough is enough' and that it's the only way you're willing to consider moving forward in your marriage - otherwise, she will see it as an empty threat and a waste of time. If you are not at a point where you're willing to lay down such an ultimatum (and mean it), then you probably do need therapy, but only for yourself because it seems like you need to regain your self worth and bearing - you will not be able to reclaim yourself without it, and if you do nothing, you will be stuck in the exact situation you are in, except it will escalate as time goes on.
Sit down and look at your
Sit down and look at your bills. Take control of your finances. What is a necessity and what can be cut back. Older children should be able to work to contribute to sport expenses. Cancel your wife's current card and get one with a limit for the amount you budget.
A session with a financial advisor is in order.
Behavioural issues scream get some therapy for the child. If wife won't consider it, you should go by yourself to get a handle on how to deal with your life.
You need to take a stand.
You need to take a stand. That is the only way that she is going to take you seriously. I would move out to a small place for a while. I would give her the amount of child support that is for 1 child and let her manage on that. I would tell her that you need to rethink the situation and that you are not happy with the obviously violent behavior of her kid, and the lack of household responsibilities. Get counseling with her during this time to iron out boundaries.
You and your life matter as well. What do you get out of sacrificing for her kids who obviously don't respect you. If your kid with her is 3 and you have got her pregnant almost immediately, then you have been in this situation for only 4 years. That really isn't that long.
Your daughter deserves your time as well, and her getting pissy about you spending time with your kid should not deter you from doing so. You need to let her know that you care for your kid as much as she cares for hers.
I wish you luck. It sounds like a hard road ahead.
I call crew because no one
I call crew because no one could survive 8 years of competitive colleges, yet be THIS DUMB.
That, ot OP your wife saw you coming a mile away, and you had SUCKER written across your forehead in red.
Methinks you are about to learn that *maybe* her ex isn't some psycho abusing sociopath.... but maybe you married one.
Shit man I feel pretty dumb
Shit man I feel pretty dumb right about now. This woman is a relentless shrew. Somehow- despite paying mortgage, bills, SK's food/braces/medical bills/sports equipment, two new cars, etc etc---she spins the situation as me being an asshole for demanding her kids do something around the house other than satisfy every immediate desire that floats through their brains. The funny thing is, her parents are ultra wealthy but don't help out other than to lavish the 4 SK's with ridiculous xmas and birthday gifts (for instance last xmas, every kid got a roll of 300 one dollar bills all taped together).
Time to get mad at yourself
Time to get mad at yourself and change. My hubby was very passive with his first wife. He now looks back and can't believe what he use to put up with.
Love yourself enough to be yourself.
That would be me. The ex
That would be me. The ex husband doesn't pay for anything.
you know, you don't have to
you know, you don't have to put up with anything you can't put up with. the question I ask myself every time Step hell rears it's ugly head is "What am I getting out of this relationship?" So far the pros outweigh the cons. You?
bah
just bah
If you want a mans point of
If you want a mans point of view, here's one, cancel her credit card now!!! Get your own bank account with you and YOUR kids name on it and put all YOUR money in it from now on and tell her your money is going towards your kids and not hers. Build a nest egg and run like the wind to a lawyer and get out of the marriage. It will get worse the longer you wait Doc. GOOD LUCK!!! Stay strong, put her in her place.
A good proactive offense is
A good proactive offense is your best option IMHO. When my adulterous whore of an XW left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy I did not stand by waiting for her to do what she said she would do and stick with her original "you can have everything" statement. I shipped my vehicles out of state to keep them away from her. I owned them before we married but I took no chances. I cleared out our bank accounts and kept it all in cash in a safety deposit box. When she moved out with only her suit cases full of clothes I went through all of our files and retained every potentially useful item I could find. Her diary (complete with narrative accounts of all of her sex partners, locations, and activities), the college papers I wrote for her the last 3 years she was in college. I wrote every paper she turned in for her BSRN program. I had the rough drafts in my handwriting, I had the graded final drafts; I had her by the short and curlies.
And it was a good thing too. A few months into the divorce process she flipped and went for half. She got shit for nothing. When the judge divided physical assets “ass possessed” I got the house. She had moved out, I lived there, I possessed the asset. She and her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy bought it from me eventually.
Get an attorney, get a PI, and build your case for custody. Hopefully the house is in your name. Sell it.
I wish I could advise you on how to salvage this train wreck but it is not salvageable IMHO nor should it be.
Take care of yourself and your own kids. Time to let STBXW figure out how to support herself and her prior relationship spawn.
You really do need to reach between your legs, grab a big handful of man sack and man up. No one should tolerate the treatment that your toxic bride is putting you through.
So don't tolerate it. The longer you wait to purge this shallow and polluted gene pool from your life the longer it will take for you to begin recovering some happiness and build a future for yourself and your own kids. Your youngest will need you to be confident, assertive and strong to help protect him from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Man up Doc your own kids need you.
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^ I am a woman
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^
I am a woman and I still believe whole heartedly with ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^^^
OK...Not to sound harsh but
OK...Not to sound harsh but Seriously...get your balls back. Yes I know you love her but Love is no enough. She is clearly taking you for a ride and did from the second you put your junk in her. She got pregnant on purpose to trap you.
You would be way better off financially to leave her. Yes it sucks and you would not see your BD as much but she is seriously going to break you.
Your child support would be way less than the $6-8000 grand a month she is blowing and she is clearly trying to come between you and your other children.
That will NEVER stop. Try to stop thinking with your junk (there are plenty of good women out there who don't want to take you for everything you have) and get the hell out of this mess.
Okay, first of all you work
Okay, first of all you work 80 hrs a week, wife doesn't work, teenagers & young adults in the home and you still do housework? My parents joked they had kids so they wouldn't have to do chores. Your justifiably resentful. She got pregnant after 3 mths while on pill. Your a doctor, so your not dumb. If your best friend told you these things, what would you say? Your 6 yr old daughter is a threat? To what, the will money? You've been baggaged, trapped and had my friend. Plz get out NOW. You're not in love, your in loyalty. If you want to disregard everything you've read that's fine. Just remember actions speak louder than words. After all you've done your wife gets "pissy" when you have 1on1 time with your daughter. This is an obvious sign she doesn't respect you or that her intentions are sincere. Again, act now, time is EVERYTHING. BTW your story made me angry because you've clearly lost your balls as a man. The truth hurts, but it also sets you free. Good luck
Wow...Doc...this is a tough
Wow...Doc...this is a tough crowd, but many of the things they are saying are "spot on".
It seems like you are a "giver" and a professional "taker" has locked you in with a planned pregnancy (yes...planned on her part).
At this point, there is no easy out and all roads will have consequences. Stand tall...keep your head up and remind yourself, you got through medical school, you can get through this. It will likely cost you more than med school, but some lessons are expensive.
I would definitely establish a private money arrangement (without her knowledge...unless you like fighting) and start making a escape plan. If you can obtain custody of your BD there is no reason to wait once you have everything in place. Otherwise, I would consult a good family attorney and get those "ducks in a row" first.
Of course, if she is involved in your current money disbursements, establish a hidden line of credit that is ready when you are. A few new credit cards, a line of credit at the bank, a new bank account etc...
All long journeys begin with the first step.