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I've been raising my niece for the last three years

EmmaR's picture

I'm not a stepparent. I'm an aunt who's had my niece with me for the last three years or close to three years anyway. She's currently 14.

Her mom, my SIL, died when she was 7. My brother, who was never the type of man to be without a woman started dating his current wife around 11 weeks later. He dumped his daughter on me and our parents a lot while he dated her. And that went on for several months until 10 months after his wife passed, he decided he was moving his now wife in and that they were going to be a family. My niece, who was 8 when they got married, didn't take it very well and acted out. She would curse at her dad and tell him she hated him. One day my parents and I were at their house and he asked my mom to take a "family photo" of the three of them and my niece told him they weren't a family. My brother ended up getting angry and told her to stop crying, that they were a family whether she liked it or not. That resulted in my niece telling her father he was mean and his wife, her stepmother, stepping in and telling her to "get over it already". My niece told her to shut up, that she wasn't her mom and she was a b****. My niece was sent to her room and from there the situation in the house got worse. My niece was ignored most of the time, so she withdrew into herself. They had two kids of their own and pushed her out even more. Then, when she was 11, we found out my niece had been self harming. My brothers response? To ask me to take her, which I did.

I've managed to get my niece into counseling and she's also on anti-depressants after being diagnosed with depression. She still has problems, mostly around the fact my brother practically abandoned her when she needed him the most. And to add to the problems, whenever he sees her at family functions, he asks her why she hasn't gotten over her childish behvaior yet. And then his wife had to embarrass her by telling everyone at my parents anniversary party that she was a freak who couldn't cope with her own mothers death.

Just after Christmas, my brother started calling and asking if she'll be ready to move back in any time soon. He said he and his wife want another apology from her. She apologized several months ago, to both of them, when we were at my dads birthday party. And he also wants her to WANT to be part of their family. I've told him that he should try going to one of her sessions and getting back into her life before he expects more from her. It became quiet clear to me while we were talking that he blames my niece solely for everything that happened. He believes she should have been good enough to handle everything the way he wanted her to and he doesn't believe she should still miss her mom. I'm just glad I have guardianship of my niece so I can make decisions that need to be made. But I worry about how this will affect her. She's been doing so good. I don't want her to get worse. Do you think I would be justified saying she won't be moving back in?

Disneyfan's picture

Let her stay right where she is.

How old are the two little ones now? Something tells me your bother and SIL only want her to move back because they are looking for a free nanny.

EmmaR's picture

Sometimes I do wonder. I know he used to and he did seem happy while she was alive. They were very affectionate with each other. But he always jumped from relationship to relationship before he married her, so I think it's just the type of person he is.

I've already told her not to apologize. I told her not to the first time, because I knew neither would appreciate it. But she felt pressured into it by them.

Nobody can get through to him. We've tried. I told him how serious her issues were and he basically said he didn't care. My parents and I can barely look at him now.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I'd just let her stay with you. I mean, she's almost an adult and can choose who to spend her life with, and who to let into her life. Quite honestly, it was handled poorly by everyone--like notasm said, although understandable WHY she would act out, after everything cooled down, she should have been corrected and talked to about why it wasn't appropriate to say/do what she did. But if the rest of the family "jumped" to her rescue and believe she was right to say and do what she wants, it's not exactly a healthy kind of "help."

If they are toxic, then staying with you is the best thing that could be done for her, but I'd let her make the decision on that herself. However, I'd make sure she understands that her father and SM have mental illnesses if they truly act that way.

The only reason I have slight doubt about this post being objective is because I don't know if the words of "get over it" (for example, it could have been that they weren't saying "get over" her mother's death, but get over the fact that dad and SM are now married, and if so, everyone needs to back away and re-evaluate how they've been perceiving the situation) were taken out of context and if everyone has been putting their own spin on what is said, especially since calling someone a "freak" seems more like the translation of a 14 year old of what happened. I know everyone is super protective of your niece because she lost her mother and her family, but the kind of help she needs is not coddling--it's developing coping mechanisms and overcoming her hand of cards in life.

Overit1960's picture

Wow, poor girl. Her father is a narcissistic Azz. Please don't let her go back to that situation. He sounds abusive and self centered.

Someone earlier said they want a free nanny, and I believe that is correct. The father doesn't seem to care about her well being, only himself. Apology?? Apology for what? That she was upset, acted out when after her mother died, her Dadddy couldn't keep it zipped and had to find a new woman to live with virtually immediately? H*&^ no she does not owe anyone an apology.

Rags's picture

Sadly your brother and his new wife have been found wanting as far as adult maturity and intelligent parenting are concerned.

Your niece needs to stay right where she is IMHO.

You have guardianship. As you indicate ... the answer is No!

End of story unless he wants to get an attorney and fight it out in court.

Your niece apologized, that your brother wants her to bare her soul with yet another apology to he and his new wife is just more proof of his immaturity and parental idiocy. Beginning to date 11wks after the death of your spouse just shows his issue is inability to be alone and also indicates to me that he did not give much a shit about his late wife or his daughter. By his own actions he is suspect in character and maturity.

SM not having the maturity to recognize that a little girl who lost her mom, then was abandoned by her father who immediately replaced both the deceased mom and the little girl with a new family as soon as he could, who then recently embarrasses a 14yo at a family function ... oh hell no! If I was that 14yo I would make it my life's hobby to bare that toxic SM's idiot ass every time she crawled out from under her slime covered rock for the rest of SM’s disgusting life or until she begged forgiveness and changed her behavior. No quarter, I would own that idiot SM hook, line, and sinker. I would call her publically on her bullshit and I would rub the dad's nose in his idiot choice for a replacement mate every time he crawled out from under his own slime covered rock.

Grrrr!

IMHO of course.