I am on the fence on this one. On one hand rewarding the G-Skids will also benefit SD-36. On the other hand punishing G-Skids for the sins of their mother is not right.

So, see if you can figure out a way to minimize the benefit to SD-36 and recognize the G-Skids.

Though not the same situation you are in, we had to work out methods to provide my SS with what he needed during Sperm Land visitation travel while minimizing the benefit of our resources to the Sperm Clan. As time passed, events unfolded, and technology caught up we were able to support SS and keep our money out of their hands and actually force public and social humiliation onto the the Sperm Clan while doing it.

Historically they would take the travel money we would give to SS when he was traveling to Sperm Land for visitation. Invariably they would take that money with comments like "That is our CS money and it is to help support you while you are here." As he got older they just guilted him into filling their gas tanks, paying for family meals at restaurants, buying groceries, etc... Eventually we were able to open a joint Skid/DW account that was linked to our primary account that we could transfer funds into and out of with a click of a few buttons on line. If there was no money in the account, no debit card transactions would be approved. We would transfer money into his account before we put him on the plane and would transfer money out when he would call us from the airport confirming his arrival. On several occassions they pulled into the gas station after picking him up at the airport, filled up, and told him to pay for it. Nope, declined. }:) That stranded them at the gas station until Sperm Grandpa could bring money to them several hours later, Sperm GrandHag burned up our cell phones on that occassion. }:)

Then there was the caravan that picked him up from the airport for another visitaiton. Several car loads of friends and family picked the Skid up and then stopped at a favorite restaurant on the way back home from the airport and expected SS to pay for it. Nope, card declined!!! }:) }:) }:)

There were several situations over the last 5-8 years of the CO that they attempted to get us to pay for Skid related stuff while he was visiting them. Nope, if he is in your custody, you pay. Idiots!

This also allowed us to make sure he had resources when he got stuck at layover points on a couple of visitation trips.

So, see if you can determine a way to maintain a positive relationship and influence on the G-Skids while sidelining SD-36.

Have fun doing it. }:)

Meet n the middle. Sent cards to the grandkids so they know you haven't forgotten about them, but no money.

Asking your DH to cut his grandchildren out of his life because the SD was rude and disrespectful makes you as much of a hard ass game player as it does her. Think about it.

It's his money too, not just yours. So you don't get to decide. You COMPROMISE. Send the kids gift cards to stored adults don't like. Send them gifts. Take them on a special trip.

Ignore the SD. Seriously. If I can ignore my alcoholic junkie sister who tried to steal from me, you can ignore a SD with an attitude.

Do you think SD will take the grandkids money?

If yes, send them an actual gift. If no, they you aren't rewarding SD, you are giving a gift to a child you love.

DH sends gifts to his grandkids (now 4,6,7). Gsd6's mom is DHs eldest bd (43), who is nothing but rude to her father. She never tells him when the gift arrives, never lets gsd6 talk to grandpa about it, they never get to share their connection. even on the yearly christmas Skype call, she never prompts kiddo to thank grandpa or even make the connection.

the other gkids dad (yss30) is in great connection w dh, and supports a completely different kind of connection with those kids. So right in front of us we see the difference of how parental hostility - or not- flavors the relationship.

It's a lose-lose situation when the parent is that kind of gatekeeper. I certainly would not send checks. Cards - sure. little gifts - maybe. I know my dh has about given up on gsd6, because sd43 has blocked so much. Very sad.

eta: we see the gskids once or twice a year. they know who grandpa is and snuggle right in. So as the kids get older, they can feel the visceral connection that overrides a parent's attempts to control

I would send a gift on the "proper" occasions but no money. SD wouldn't benefit from those and kids would still get a gift.

In our case it's the step-son-in-law who is the problem. He's told us he doesn't think we should have married (disrespectful to deceased spouses) and me that I am not related to his children. Step-daughter defies him a few times a year by contacting her father or visiting with the children.

We mail gifts for birthdays, Valentine's, and Easter to the grandchildren. Christmas gifts we hold till they come to pick them up (longest was three weeks so far). Cards are always signed only by the grandfather. My take is that if I'm not a relative, gifts from me inappropriate. I'll happily help pick out the gifts. I love to shop. DH, if left to his own devices, would stick money in the card. Kids are too young still to go to the store by themselves, so I wonder if they would actually see the money. Gifts, that we time to arrive on Saturday, are much harder for step-son-in-law to hide.

Mail gifts were not acknowledged in the beginning. We would email and ask if the gift arrived or should we have the post office trace it. After several years we started to get an email that it arrived. Now, in the last year, we actually get a phone call thank you from one if the grandchildren.