This is what I told my husband last night about the counselor
If I can remember it all this is pretty much what I said. This is after my husband told me his plans with his daughter for her birthday (12). I told him that sounds fine. I didn't add anything. Then he asked if I'd come with him to watch his daughter and her mom run in a 10 K next weekend. I said no. I told him I'd be busy doing something for myself. This is different because in the past I would have done anything my husband or my daughter asked me to. but i explained to my husband I am committed to trying what our counselor recommended and I want to be sure you understand where i'm coming from. For 5 years you handled your ex and your daughter and I stepped in when she's here half the time and did all the mom things. Making her favorite dinners, packing her lunch, doing her hair in the morning, cleaning her room, doing her laundry, buying her clothes, taking her to the dentist and the doctor, working with her teachers at school, volunteering at her school, arranging all her playdates, signing her up for activities, planning vacations, having long talks when she's having a tough time, trying to teach her to be a lady. We all got along great, we were a little family.
Then your daughter started pulling away from me and being slightly rude. So you read her diary and she said she hates me. She said '4ever thinks she's involved in everything but she's not. It's between me and Mommy and Daddy." With this change in her, i asked what was going on with you ex. You admitted that she's been aggressive with you lately. Talks of changing your daughter's schedule began, with your daughter and your ex saying she should be there more, then your ex changing her mind and saying no. Through all this you sahred with me the level of communication between you and your ex. I always thought it was too much but you let it roll off your back. So I never said anything. I just concentrated on creating our family. But now i know how it is between you and i can't un-know that. We've spent the last few months talking about your ex and your daughter, trying to figure out a way to make it all work, responding to your ex constantly changing her mind and attacking you and your daughter being losts in the middle. It's literally been all our free time together these last several weeks.
So we go to the counselor and he asks us a bunch of questions. He says it's clear that I'm the only one upset by the communication between you and your ex. He says it seems to work well most of the time. He agrees that its too much that you can ignore some stuff but he recommends that you pretty much keep doing what you're doing. WIth one difference, he says 'don't involve 4ever. It upsets her. Don't bring her into it.' He says that if there's a big decision that involves our finances or our schedule you should ask me if it's okay with me but the rest of the time, handle it on your own. So you and I agree to try that for a few months.
But it's not going to be like it used to be. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I know what i know. I'm not going to involve myself in it anymore but that doesn't mean I think it's okay. I think you allow your ex to manipulate you. I think she's teaching her daughter to manipulate you. I'm stepping out of it. When your daughter is here, I will be cordial. It will be fine. But i am no longer taking on a mom role with her. You will have to explain that to her if she even notices. I am no longer the shoulder to cry on when your ex goes crazy. Do not bring that to me I will not listen to it. You are on your own with both of them. I love you and I want to make a nice life with you but I will not be pushed in the dark and expected to 'perform'. I'm either in or I'm out and right now I'm out.
So that's what I told him. I was so nervous. He was so upset. Not angry, just confused and sad. He said that it's a lot to take in and he will think about it all. He said he understood some of where I was coming from but he thought I might be taking it too far. This morning it was weird between us. I may have overreacted but honestly I don't think it's fair. I can't go back to the way things were knowing waht I know now. It makes me sick. I mean it literally makes me feel ill when I think about it. I guess that's a sign that stepping back like this is all I can do for now.
Again, fire that quack of a
Again, fire that quack of a counselor. That guy wouldn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
I think you've lived an
I think you've lived an experience very similar to what many of us have gone through when nice skids turn sour. And your answer was PERFECT!
thanks for the atta boy I've
thanks for the atta boy I've never had this kind of talk with my husband before and I was really nervous.
Beyond perfect! I don't
Beyond perfect! I don't necessarily agree with your counselor's advice, however, I do believe you need to start somewhere. With step family situations there is no prescribed solution. I think much of the time it ends up trial and error. For now, see how this works for you. Ultimately, you have to look out for you whether that makes your husband uncomfortable or alienates your stepdaughter. You're so right to say they can't have it both ways. Good luck!
He thinks YOU are taking it
He thinks YOU are taking it too far? But a couple hundred texts/emails/calls between him and his ex in a month is not?
He is living somewhat of a double life. His daughter still feels like she, Mommy, and Daddy are a family. Why do you think that is?
-_- I... can't believe he
-_-
I... can't believe he thinks she's taking it too far. WTF did he think it meant when he agreed to do what the counselor recommended?
No, I mean, did he think it would go exactly the way it was before EXCEPT she won't complain. That it was just the counselor telling her to shut her mouth but do everything she has been doing? DAFUQ. The more I think about this as how he thought, the more it fucking infuriates me. Damn. Selfish much? And the plays the victim card? UGH. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
exactly! everything as it was
exactly! everything as it was but I won't complain. Well, I think I told him pretty clearly that's not going to happen. He said 'why are you punishing my daughter for this she didn't do anything wrong she's just going through puberty and having a hard time.' That was hard to hear. I don't want to do anything negative toward his daughter but I do feel like it's unfair for me to continue doing what i've been doing knowing that she thinks it's all ' between me and mommy and Daddy' and that my hsuband doesn't have to change anything he's doing with his ex. I know myself well enough to know that's not something i can do. I will be nice and we will have fun times together but my husband will be the parent in this household. He's been doing pretty much everything for his duaghter these last few months anyway.
I guess what I took from the counselor is that yes, there has to be a boundary here. I just thought he was going to tell my husband to make the boundary with his ex, not me! Part of me wants to tell my husband let's try this new way of doing things for FIVE YEARS and then you'll know how I've felt since we got married.
Agreed!
Agreed!
Thanks for the support! I was
Thanks for the support! I was surprised my husband asked me that too I think he was testing the waters to see 'will 4ever be like she used to be or is this for real.' When i told him I was going to get a massage or something (it's memorial day and my office is closed) he said 'that's great.' Honestly, right now i just want to get myself out of the line of fire. Know what I mean?
"Then he asked if I'd come
"Then he asked if I'd come with him to watch his daughter and her mom run in a 10 K next weekend." I almost peed myself laughing-I mean really-Is your husband insane?
Well he has stressed me out
Well he has stressed me out financially that's for sure. I had perfect credit when we got married and now there's a lien on the house I own because I got behind on taxes because I was supporting him while he starts a new business. I know that sounds terrible when I type it out and I'm sure all of you will say I'm stupid for ever getting into that situation. Right now his ex and his daughter are stressing me out. but most of the time I am content with him. He is kind and gentle and loving. We laugh a lot. He sees me for who I am and he's crazy about me. Most of the time I'd say that he helps me be my best self. But I see him for who he is too. That gentleness has a price and that price is passiveness.
He said 'why are you
He said 'why are you punishing my daughter for this she didn't do anything wrong she's just going through puberty and having a hard time.'
Don't let him put a guilt trip on you. If he doesn't want you to make the changes you stated, then HE needs to make changes in how he deals with the ex. That IS who the boundary should be with, and that IS what the counselor should have said.
Like I said in another post, I take a backseat to no one, especially someone who my husband has severed ties with.
The ex trying to communicate with him over every.little.thing. is going TOO FAR.
LOL! Ah SweetPea, I love you
LOL! Ah SweetPea, I love you and your way with words! Perfect!
Okay not making excuses for
Okay not making excuses for him but he asked me if i wanted to watch his daughter run the race. She's running it with her mom (i knew that already) so in my mind I'm thinking "no way!' But in the past I would have done it to support his daughter. That's why he's going. I understand that he wants to support his kid. Funny thing is that his daughter did not want to do this but her mom is making her. Her mom sent my hsuabdn a spreadsheet with the training regimen that he was supposed to make his daughter do every day she's here. He ignored that at least, just had her get on the treadmill once in a while. She's 12 if she wants to do something she should do it she shouldn't need to be forced. But she hates running. Her mom is addicted to it and is making her do it. Anyway who cares that's not my problem. Honestly, I'd almost rather that he was emotionally wrapped up with the ex. At least that'd take some balls. As it is he's just dominated by her, scared of her, pushed around by her, manipulated by her. Really i'd rather it was that he still loved her than what it is, he despises her but he's too scared of her to create reasonable boundaries with her. So the way I see it, well then you get to be dominated by someone you despise NOT ME.
Why is he afraid of her?
Why is he afraid of her?
14 years of emotional abuse,
14 years of emotional abuse, as far as I can tell. She literally wouldn't even let him be in a different room, that's how controlling she was. My husband's parents, brother, and old friends have all told me how terrible she was to him. I've suggested that he get help for that, he seemed open but then this whole thing blew up so we used our budget to talk about his ex and his daughter. I think he should go in on his own to try to figure out how to really deal with that abusive relationship.
Ah, my DH was in an abusive
Ah, my DH was in an abusive relationship, as well.
It's a hard cycle to break but he cannot let it continue, he is not with her anymore and does not have to take it.
Wow don't you think it's
Wow don't you think it's harder for men. My husband has such a hard time when I use words like abuse and abusive talking about his ex and their marriage. He gets really upset. He doesn't want to believe it. He likes to think he's just laid back. But she is abusive there's no way around it. his own mother and father have talked to me about it, how much they hated her, worried about him and their granddaughter. I think in a weird way (this just occured to me) the way I'm stepping back right now instead of getting more controlling and demanding this and that from my husband part of that is because I refuse to be drawn into a familiar pattern for him. does that make sense? I will not be turned into a controlling woman because deep down maybe he wants that or needs that. Its not me. I will not change myself in that way. So stepping back feels good in that way.
I agree with you on
I agree with you on everything I think it's harder for men it makes them feel week to admit they've been abused. I think he'd have a real breakthrough and feel empowered if he could just admit it but I'm not going to worry about that anymore. Like you said i'm going to do 'me' and see how that works. SO far so good! I posted an update this morning. Thanks for all your help. How long have you been like 'its your deal' with your husband? Also do you think you did that because your stepson was such a handful? My stepdaughter is really easy. I start to feel kind of bad about giving her more space right now and not doing mom things anymore but the truth is that she has a mom and her mom is pulling her away and i'm letting go. It feels like the right thing to do but like i said she's not a bad kid.
He's the one hurting his DD
He's the one hurting his DD by allowing and promoting mommy, daddy and I are a family.
I'm with Sweetpea. I'd tell him since he was so involved with his ex, he could go back to her. I'm not sharing a bed with any man so entrenched with another woman. There are too many good, kind men out there that will establish boundaries and put you first. (Despite what the idiot counselor said, the boundaries need to be with BM, not you! !)
"Her mom is pulling her away
"Her mom is pulling her away from you and you are letting go. If you didn't let go she'd be in the middle of a tug of war. That would be much worse."
Thank you for saying that. It's a relief to hear those words. I will remind my husband of that if he says again that I'm somehow hurting his daughter.
I'm 39, my husband is 45, his
I'm 39, my husband is 45, his ex is 51, their daughter is 12. I've been married once before, no kids. Your nice to remind me that there's too many fish in the sea. I think my husband is feeling my distance and its scaring him. Thats okay. I'll just have to take a deep breath and ride out the next few months. See how this new set up works for everybody. Mostly myself i guess!
Ive already started looking
Ive already started looking for my own therapist. Thanks for all your advice!
I must applaud your answer!
I must applaud your answer!
Hah that made me laugh. I
Hah that made me laugh. I need that thank you!
Melody can we use peri
Melody can we use peri menopause and menopause as excuses to be raging bitches from 35 - 55! Lol
Your answer was great. He was
Your answer was great. He was utterly nuts to respond that you're taking it "too far." That is the most Mr. Pot meet Mr. Kettle statement I've ever heard in my life.
I really related to your later comment about husband's gentleness having a price, passiveness. There's some of that going on in my home, too. It's crazy making to me. But a key difference is my dh has told me he's attracted very much to the part of my personality that is self-directed and takes a stand. He says he learns from it and gets inspired.
We have gone the rounds on various issues including the encroachment of bm on our lives and time and Day One of our marriage is when we had our first confrontation about it. I told him that day, "You don't have two wives. Pick now." He did and it was me. We've had to make more adjustments as time goes on but he sometimes refers to that phrase "I don't have two wives, I know!" and it seems to help him stay on track.
Your husband, all his good qualities aside, has not really committed to your marriage. He is spending waaaaaaaaaaay too much time managing the emotions of another woman as well as encouraging his daughter to think of you as an outsider to her "real" family unit. In my opinion he should not even be going to the 10k at all. He is infringing on bm's time. If it were sd running in a school event, sure, they can both go and NOT sit together. But this one is a mom/daughter activity. Why's he going at all?
You are doing the right thing. Entertain yourself happily while he's gone. Keep doing that. More and more. He may get his head out of the clouds and come chasing you. He may not. But you doing so puts you as Captain of your own ship instead of a passenger (steerage no less!) in his.
This marriage cannot thrive with him reserving 30% or more of himself to another woman and deliberately misguiding his child about her family configuration. That's not your problem. You do you and see what happens.
Wow thank you. That is all
Wow thank you. That is all great to know that i'm on the right track. The one thing I don't think is that he's misguiding his daughter about her family. He says to her "we are a family' (meaning him, me, her) he does that deliberately and more so since he heard her say what she did about me, Mommy and Daddy. I'm starting to see that he and I may never see eye to eye on this. He thinks hey if i can manage my ex so that she doesn't intrude and I'm not going to upset you with things and she's stable and my daughter is happy and your happy what's the problem? Well the problem is that he shouldn't be worried about keeping his ex happy. AT ALL. I said this during our session with the counselor. He said to my husband do you feel like you're caught in the middle, trying to balance everything? My husband said yes of course. I said but balance shouldn't be the goal. I come first and when he behaves like he does with his ex it makes me feel like he's not putting me first. He should be more worried about upsetting me then upsetting her.
Oh, I wouldn't stand for that
Oh, I wouldn't stand for that "caught in the middle" baloney for one minute. There is no middle. That woman is irrelevant to me. I am married to you. Who are you married to?
Counselor should have pointed that out to him.
yuck, does he think thIs is
yuck, does he think thIs is sister wives? The counselor sounds like a quack Stay strong and take care of you.
yuck, does he think thIs is
yuck, does he think thIs is sister wives? The counselor sounds like a quack Stay strong and take care of you.
yuck, does he think thIs is
yuck, does he think thIs is sister wives? The counselor sounds like a quack Stay strong and take care of you.
Thanks I do think thats what
Thanks I do think thats what our counselor was trying to do, put the burden on my husband to deal with his ex. I wonder now how it will be for him, we have to stick with this for a few months to know for sure. I posted an update about this weekend, it was great! I wonder if my husband will feel his ex's craziness more without my help or if I was just making it worse. I dunno. ALl I know is that i feel better not bringing her up all the time and getting upset by her. I just hope we can do this without creating two lives for my husband and without alientating my stepdaughter. One day at the time right?!
Of course he is sad. What he
Of course he is sad.
What he heard from the counselor is 'Good job dad, keep doing what you are doing just don't tell your wife because she needs to butt out.'. He thought he had official permission to just keep doing what he has been doing and what caused the problem to begin with only without you interjecting.
Now he knows different because you have reintroduced him to reality under the new idiot therapist suggested model. He did not like you taking an active role and he likes it much less with you taking a completely inactive role while holding him accountable for doing what you used to do to make things work. Holding the line of zero tolerance of interferance in your life and marriage by BM or SD is a new reality for DH that he is regretting already.
Welcome to the new world DH. Hope you like it. You will soon learn that it is far better to make your wife your equity life partner in all things, focus on her being happy, and put your marriage first than it is to ruin your marriage and make your prior relationship fuck nugget spawn and womb donor happy.
All IMHO of course.
BTW, well intentioned or not, I still think your therapist is an idiot.
Take care of yourself.
"You will soon learn that it
"You will soon learn that it is far better to make your wife your equity life partner in all things, focus on her being happy, and put your marriage first than it is to ruin your marriage and make your prior relationship fuck nugget spawn and womb donor happy." Wow you do have a way with words! Hah. I do think my husband is realizing that he can't have it both ways. No boundaries with your ex? okay then, 4ever will have to make the boundary with you and your kid. Not that I'm stepping away, i love my life with my husband and I care about my stepdaughter. But no more Uberstepmom!
You are doing exactly the
You are doing exactly the right thing IMHO unless you want to go back to destroy to blended family opposition and pummel DH into clarity mode. }:)
I think your DH will figure it out. It may take a while, it will be painful for him and unfortunately for you too, but he will figure it out as the inertia of unpleasantness builds.
Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry, but your
I'm sorry, but your Counsellor is a moron. Does he specialize in step family counseling? If he does, he needs to go get re-educated on blended life.
Our Counsellor gave us some solid advice that made my SO see things crystal clear, for the first time.
She had 17 years experience of dealing with blended families. Her advice was that a relationship is like an onion. Only two people could sit in the core. Those two people were the main ones in the relationship. Outer layers signified other members so the first layer would be the kids, 2nd the grand parents, 3rd other relatives, 4th friends and acquaintances and so forth.
If the inner core of the onion is rotten (the main two are having issues with the relationship), then the onion (relationship) is usually kaput.
Nobody else should be allowed to sit in the core of the relationsip and each layer signifies the boundaries. No outer layers crossing over into the inner layers.
It sounds like your DH has kept his BM and daughter in the inner core of this relationship and you are sitting in an outer layer. Not a happy situation for any of you.
He needs to put YOU in the core with him and discuss everything with you as the main couple. Inviting you to go watch his ex-wife and daughter run in a race is breaking your boundaries. Why doesn't he just let his ex-wife run with her daughter and stay out of it? He may actually stil have feelings for his ex, because my SO would never offer this. I think he'd rather watch snails crawl over the garden bed, then watch his ex wife in some activity.
Hahaha! ^^^^^^ "rather watch
Hahaha! ^^^^^^ "rather watch snails in the garden than watch his ex in some activity." Hahaha! Mine, too!