I usually just lurk here, but I really need advice. My SIL thinks I'm being unreasonable, so I want to hear from actual step parents.
DH and I have been married for two years, together three. I'm 37 weeks pregnant. He has a DS, 7. DSS has had health problems since birth. He was born with a blood disorder, and he's been on blood transfusions since he was in the nicu. What he has is really rare, and DH says he seems to have every complication. His liver was in rough shape recently, and he's been getting a nightly infusion of medicine since he was two. He's also autistic, but he's pretty high functioning. In December, BM tells DH that he HAS to attend a doctor's appointment with her because DSS's counts look bad. BM has always taken care of the medical stuff, like driving him to the hospital for things and taking off of work. She's never said it, but I think she's always been bitter. She once told SIL that her career has been hurt because she has to take off work 3-4 times a month to drive him to appointments that are an hour and a half away, but what does she expect? She can't not go, and it doesn't make sense for DH to pay child support and have his career messed up too. DH thinks BM does a good job with the medical stuff, and I'm sure she does. I just don't think she should get an award for being a decent mom.
Anyway, she demands that DH take off work to go to a doctor's appointment, and after the appointment they decide the kid needs a bone marrow transplant. Fine. Let's do it. But she convinces DH they need second opinions and to look at different transplant centers. I was ok with them going to New York because what he has is rare and that's where the doctors who know about his disease are. They say to definitely do a bone marrow transplant. DH comes back with a list of seven places they tell us to look at, one of which is DSS's hospital. I think that should have been recommendation enough to stay put, but BM felt we "owed it to DSS" to make sure we considered all of our options. She travels or does phone consults with all of them, and she pretty much demands that DH look at the two that were most highly recommended. Of course, they decide to stay out, just like I wanted, wasting hundreds of dollars in plane tickets and hotel rooms. DH says he thought it was a good idea, but I think BM is free and loose with her money. She and her BF make a ton, and then she gets child support, too. Meanwhile, we struggle.
So DSS was admitted three and a half weeks ago. Every one agreed that BM would be the one to take off of work. She's the cp. We only have him four days a month. The doctors tell her she needs to take off at least four months, but she should prepare her employer for her being gone for up to a year if there are complications. She acts like this is a big deal, but her employer is holding her job. Plus she's loaded. She has her phd, and she makes money in private practice on top of her regular job. And her bf makes even more money than she does. She's going to be fine, but of course she has to mention that she's leaving her fancy job and won't have income. It probably looks innocent to other people, but I have always thought she thinks she's better than us. DH said that at the end of their marriage, she told him that she'd "take care of him". She acts like she was a saint for paying off his vehicle and not filing for child support for the first two years. DH thinks we should be grateful that she never comes after Us for extra money for medical bills, but I think his guilt means that he lets her talk him into things he should discuss with me first. And I think she uses the sick kid card to guilt him into doing what she wants.
Before the admission without talking to me, DH agrees to go up three times a week to help BM. He goes twice after work, and he agrees to spend the night on Saturdays to give BM a break. She also has her long-time boyfriend and mother to help her, mind you, and I could go into labor at any time. I tell him I'm fine with the nights each week as long as he's home by 10 (the hospital is far away and in a big city), but he can't spend the night. He shouldn't have agreed to that. I get that his kid is really sick, but what about me and his unborn son? What if I go into labor and he's stuck in traffic?
He comes back at me that this is his son, and BM shouldn't be the only one doing the hard work. Um, she's not. He's there and so are lots of other people. Why does it matter who spends the night? All I ask is that he come home after visiting! She's a grown up and needs to take care of her kid, and she can't pretend she's DH's wifey anymore. He has new responsibilities! Now she's bitching to SIL that I'm keeping DH from his son. I'm not! I just want him home. And now she's pissed because she thought DH would take Saturday nights when they get moved to the Ronald McDonald House, and I'm not ok with that. I'll be all alone with a new baby. I need my husband too!
I feel like I'm being painted as the evil stepmonster, but I think BM is being a martyr. I get that she does a lot for the kid and it sucks that he's so sick, but she's gone full martyr. He sleeps all day, so don't tell me she can't nap while DH is there during the day. DH won't say it, but I known he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I went with him to visit for the first time yesterday, and BM wouldn't even make eye contact with me. She's also asking for us to pay half of his medical bills. There's nothing in the court order about it, and she's always paid in the past because she makes so much more money than DH. Now she says that because she's had to stop working, we need to contribute. DH agrees with her, but we don't have the money. We're talking tons of money, and even if we'd had years of notice, the drug copays alone would bankrupt us. She could just write a check? Should we fight it? DH told her that we'd figure something out without talking to me, but even he admits that he shouldn't have said that. We just don't have the money.
So here's my question: am I being unreasonable to want DH to not spend the night there? He can visit as much as he wants, but I want him back at night. Is that so bad?
Personally, from what you wrote, I don't see this BM being horrible. Of course she's upset that she has to away from her career for up to 1yr. And I agree with your DH that its kind of her not to ask for CS for two years and not ask for help with medical expenses.
The least your husband can do is spend ONE night a week with his sick kid. She totally deserves a break. It's his kid too and he's lucky she's not asking him for more. Who cares if she has other people to help her. Its not their job. It's SS parents job to be there for him and I'm sure SS is scared and wants to see daddy.
You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your DH has a very sick kid and sometimes that means you will have to be alone with your child.
Eh, I would have to say I cant agree with you. If my daughter was in the hospital for what seems to be a LONG time and her dad (he wouldn't but if he were around and were decent) said he couldn't come cause his new wife needs him at home the once a week I was asking him to be there, I would be mad and hurt too. Mainly for my child. BM is putting a lot of time in with her kid, which she should. BUT so should the dad and she is only asking for one night a week. Maybe they could alternate what day it is instead of ALWAYS on Sat?
Think about it this way. If your unborn child was in the hospital for a long time, would you expect DH to stay with him as well? You would, and if he gave SS as a reason for not coming, you would be hurt and mad. Also, you don't want SS to look back on this years later and say "why didn't my dad ever help out while I was in the hospital? why wasn't I worth the time" I have to say, if it were me, I would demand he be with his son that one night a week. Its something he cant take back once it happens and its not like its just a sleepover. He is in the hospital.
As far as medical bills, if its not in the divorce papers I would totally not pay half without consulting someone first! I would attempt to help pay but if you cant afford half, and already pay child support, I wouldn't pay half.
Sorry, I am sure this isn't what you wanted to hear.
Its not just BMs job to be the parent, sorry. No matter how many other kids your DH decides to have after SS. SS is still his son.
Your DH can spend one freakin night with his son. No biggie.
If I was in this situation I'd be PISSED if my Ex left this all on me. No matter who is CP or what my income was or whatever else was going on. This is still his kid.
You are pregnant, not made of glass. People have babies every single minute. If you go into labor or have issues just call your DH. Not a big deal.
I suspect I'll be in the minority here, but... yeah. You're being WAY unreasonable. Let me break down what I read.
BM: Is the primary caregiver for an incredibly sick child, one who (it sounds like) will ALWAYS be sick. She handles the bulk of the medical appointments, she has to take off work for months to a year, and she has to coordinate and research very VERY specialized care since this is a rare condition.
SS: The kid has not only been sick and in and out of hospitals his entire life, subjected to more needles than Heroin Harriet, and being bored out of his skull eating jello in hospital rooms all the time, he also only gets to see his dad a few times a month. He's probably scared, with this new "you're going to be in the hospital for a really long time" thing going on.
You: Have a perfectly normal and complication free pregnancy. Your first, which means labor could be 8-12 hours long easy, plenty of time for anyone to get to you. Women have been dropping kids for millennia, this ain't nothing new, and they also somehow manage to care for their child without the Big Strong Man being there every night. (Um... like BM for crying out loud! You seem to look down on her, so if she can do it, so can you.)
Look, I get wanting your DH to be there 100% for his new family. I do. But that's no your reality. And we're not talking about a guy who wants to take his "first born" to Disney World over your due date - we're talking about a father who wants to be there for his desperately sick child. YOU are the adult. You need to pull it together and be thankful that YOUR child is healthy and that you aren't going to be the one quitting your job for a year so you can spend it in the hospital with your kid. Jesus, where is your heart???
I would blame hormones for most of these feelings. I don't think you DH is being unreasonable, other than him not talking to you first before agreeing.
At 37 weeks you probably won't go into labor without him. But I don't think it would be unreasonable to not stay the night past 40 weeks. Hopefully you will go into labor on another day & it won't be a big deal.
If this was a normal visit I'd have a different opinion. But the kid is sick, & BM is already taking months-a year off work for it. She deserves an overnight break. Plus I'm sure DH is really worried about his son. What if BM was pregnant, would that mean DH did all the work? It just doesn't work that way.
Let's look at it from a different scenario. Let's say this is your soon to be little bundle of joy you're expecting and flash forward a few years. You little one has the same thing and same complications as your SS. Would you seriously just expect the guy to leave it up to you. Should DH just work and let you do everything. Now let's say your marriage during that flash forward doesn't survive.
Are you ok with your now ex husband leaving your little one alone in the hospital? Would you expect everyone BUT DH to do their share?
This is a little child who wants and deserves his Daddy in SS's time of need. This is all as much on him as being father as it is on whether or not BM is CP. For example, let's say you for some weird reason doesn't get CP in the scenario flash forward. Let's pretend your now ex husband has it. Are you going to just sit home every evening and toss up your hands going 'Meh, the kid's father can worry about the kid'?
Yes, I think you're being very unreasonable. What part of this man loves this little boy and does so with every bit as much as you'll be expecting the man to love your child, don't you 'get'?
The more I think about this post the more I think the OP is unbelievably selfish. She doesn't even have any compassion for her own DH who has to watch his kid go through this!
OMG you are a little bit of a horrible person. Imagine if this was YOUR child with him as an EX. For god's sake... his son is getting a BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT. This isn't a tonsillectomy. HE COULD DIE. And you are begrudging a man for wanting to see his critically ill son once or twice a week????
Golden Uterus much????
You are 100% in the WRONG. And I do hope it is pregnancy hormones.
It's no secret to anyone here I strongly dislike my former step kids, however no I would have never told their father he could not spend the night with his scared son while he was in the hospital. But even with having experience with skids I can really only look at this from BM's POV. If that were my son and his father wasn't there for him, I'd be so pissed. Even if I am the CO I didn't make that kid on my own and it damn sure is his responsibility to help me with him sick or not. Even if he pays cs, a check every month does not a good father make. I'd be real careful how you handle this and your feelings toward a kid who has no control of the sickness he was born with. Karma can be a real pain in the ass.
If you are really worried about being alone, can you go with him and either stay at the hospital too or in a nearby hotel for the night. That way he won't be far away and there is the added bonus that you will be near a hospital?
Otherwise you could look at arranging an emergency birthing partner for if your husband isn't around. A relative of friend or even hiring a dula who lives near you who is happy to help you out and be with you for a few hours until your husband can get back to you. I can understand the fear of not wanting to go through your first birth alone, but as others have pointed out one night a week isn't much for BM to ask your husband to be available. For a regular birth there is a about a month long window when your baby may arrive, chances are the baby will arrive on a different day. With any luck your baby will arrive on a Tuesday and none of your worries will happen. If baby starts to make an appearance on a Saturday, you can make two phone calls and immediately your husband will be on his way back to you and then your emergency birthing partner will be with you asap until he arrives. Having a plan will help you feel better that you know what is going to happen and know that you won't be abandoned.
I would agree. One night or even two nights a week especially if it is saturday and sunday I wouldn't see a problem with.
I can see why you are hurt and feel like you are getting the short end of the stick, but your BM is being reasonable...you maybe just can't see it because you are so close and personally involved.
She is just asking for the father of her child to be a dad-one night a week. And honestly I think she is owed that break.
Additionally just because someone "makes more money than you" does not mean they are better off than you. Unless you do her banking and taxes for her...you really don't know what her finances are-or for that matter how much her boyfriend shares with her either.
Also if you are concerned about being alone. Tag along. Stay in a hotel up there by them for the weekend. If you really feel that alone.
I have to agree with everyone else. Although it seems like it's really putting your family out both emotionally AND financially, we're talking a child's life here....
I can't speak from a child perspective, but when my first DH was diagnosed with a rare terminal brain cancer, I had a 2 year old and I was pregnant. I can't even begin to tell you how much money we spent jetting across the US getting second, third, tenth opinions.... and then on top of that the experimental drugs. We maxed out credit cards, applied for more credit cards, and at the end I had two to three times more debt than DH's life insurance would pay for. But... what *wouldn't* you do in this type of scenario? It was bad enough knowing my 30-something DH was going to die, I can't imagine what it would be like if they told me the same thing about my child.
During this time, my 2 year old became critically ill and had to be hospitalized. Because she had an infection, my DH was not allowed to come to the hospital to see her (actually, he was IN the hospital for part of her hospitalization). That tore him up.... to be 2 floors away from his sick daughter and unable to see her. And then... I had to *choose* who to go see and when, because I couldn't just bounce from daughter's infected room to DH's chemo room. By this time I was 38 weeks pregnant and wondering if all THREE of us being in at the same time would net us a frequent flier discount from the hospital (I worked there too).
I know as a parent there are no ends to the lengths I would go to to be with/try to save my child.
Thanks to all 3 of you. But... I did survive. Not an experience I'd want to have to go thru again, but as the bracelet my first DH gave me before he passed says, "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it."
I think your being unreasonable too. Sorry.
I'm also a BM.
1) My SD was hospitalized, DH took turns with BM up at the hospital, I too had 3 more kids at home to care for while DH was gone, It was more important that SD not be alone in that scary for kids place and she too was 7.
2) BM wise, My 1st husband worked 3rd shift, my 2 babies were born on Friday, he was home with me Sat/Sun and beck to work Monday. I was on my own all day and all night. Its not that hard, its only one night he is there with his son.
* I offered to take my bios for ExH when his wife went into labor, I can't imagine that BM wouldn't run up to the hospital to be with your SS if DH needed to leave for the birth of the baby.
On a selfish note:
My DD broke her arm, displaced it, had to have a procedure with sedation to repair it before casting.
My ExH was all "OMG, I didn't know it was that bad" and came to the hospital, then once he got there he was all "I don't want to get sick from all these sick kids in here a month before new baby is due.
He bailed on his daughter, left her there so he wouldn't get sick, she never forgave him for that, she never will.
I don't blame her, it was an ASS move on his part...but hey, the guy was NEVER there for his kids so it didn't shock me too much.
LMAO, I know right.
DD just rolled her eyes at him, I smiled and said "I totally understand, whats best for the baby is what should be considered"
Just because I was trying to be polite (and I didn't want to sit there waiting with him!)
First, I just want to hug the OP and tell her I'm so sorry this is her reality. I agree with this statement above: "You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your DH has a very sick kid and sometimes that means you will have to be alone with your child." I know it must be so hard to have what is a dark cloud due to a child that another woman gave birth to hanging over the joy you feel over the fact that you are about to have your first child. As a SM to 2 boys, now 19 and 21, and a BM to 2 boys, now 7 and 13, I see both sides of this and have compassion for you.
Having been a SM for 15 years, my best advice to you is to take the opportunity here to be the bigger person and support your husband in this endeavor fully. Not only is it the right thing to do, for all the reasons the above posters have outlined, BUT, because it likely will make YOUR marriage stronger and make your DH love YOU all the more! In a MUCH less serious situation, when I was 35 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and told I could go into labor at any time, my DH chose to go on a father/son trip with oldest SS. We had been having issues with that SS being distant, and my DH wanted the chance to really bond with him before our DS7 was born. Instead of making a big deal about it, I had a relative stay with me, and we had a plan of notifying DH right away if I went into labor. It turned out, I was fine, though I had a C-section at 36 weeks, the next week, with my DH there. However, my DH was SO grateful to me for letting him have that time. I wish I could say I was the bigger person at every instance when the SSs were growing up, but I wasn't. However, I tried to be, especially when it mattered most, and I can tell you, now that SSs are grown (SS21 is even married with 2 children of his own) my and DH's marriage is stronger than ever.
I think you need to think hard on the fact that your DH has an obligation to this child as much as his obligation will be to your child, if not more, due to his illness right now. Would you really want a man who would give such a minimal effort to his sick child and leave all the heavy lifting on the BM? Hopefully, you have family and friends who can support you during this difficult time and can find a way within yourself to do this. I realize it's NOT easy, but I think the sooner you realize this is the way it is and find ways to deal with it, the better it will be. If this little boy lives, and I pray fervently that he does, I bet there will be many more times when your DH has to put him first over your family, and the sooner you accept that, the better. Best of luck to you!
1. Take some responsibility for getting pregnant knowing that he had a child that is very sickly. It isn't like this child magically appeared to screw with your pregnancy.
2. Don't you have any support system besides your DH? When I went into labor, it was my mother who took me to the hospital. My DS's father wasn't even in town.
3. You don't always "know what you are getting into" when you become a SM BUT you knew that he had this kid and the kid wasn't in the best of health. You knew before even getting pregnant that you AND your child weren't going to get 100% of your DH's time OR money.
4. I think the very LEAST that a good father would do would be one overnight a week along with other visits. I wouldn't begrudge him or the kid that.
5. I am not really sure what it is that BM has done that makes you so upset. It sounds like jealousy mostly.
6. He (and BM) might be able to work out reduced bills or get some sort of help since BM is not working for a long period of time and your DH doesn't sound like he makes all that much either.
7. If you guys are cutting things so close to the bone now, be prepared to get a job (or two) and for your DH to get a better paying job and/or a second one. Sooner rather than later.
8. Your pregnancy hormones may be making this whole thing into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Would you SERIOUSLY want your DH to be with you (on the chance you might give birth) and his son, heaven forbid DIE? That would destroy your marriage eventually.
Sounds to me like you should have held out for a guy without a kid. Then you and your child would be able to have 100% of what he has to give.
I tend to be pragmatic in my opinions rather than emotional, so my opinion will be somewhat solution focused.
No, you are not being selfish at this point in your pregnancy IMHO. DH should not be away from you extensively during the last few weeks of your pregnancy. This situation with SS has been going on for years and will go on for many, many, more so some balance will need to be obtained or this tension will extend for a very long time.
You will soon have an infant who will need it's father as much as it's ailing elder brother does. Setting some kind of equity in his responsibility for the two kids is something that your DH will need to be held accountable for and do not forget that your marriage is the only priority before either kid and for sure before BM. Hold DH accountable for all of these things and do not allow the tragic emotion of the Skid situation distract you from your own child and marriage or allow DH to fail to deliver to his responsibilities to you and your child together.
This is a tragic situation that I certainly hope has a happy ending but regardless both kids need their dad and you need your husband. DH needs to make all of that happen.
Congrats on the new baby and I hope that you and DH can figure it all out.
Take care of yourself and do not let the emotional reactions to the Skid's condition convince you that you are some kind of evil Step Mom. You aren't.
" Setting some kind of equity in his responsibility for the two kids is something that your DH will need to be held accountable for"
One could argue that it would be "equitable" to spend one overnight with the sick child. In fact, one could argue it would be equitable to spend 3 nights one week and 4 the next. Since, you know, he has TWO children and should be there for them equally.
Except that BM is the CP. The primary care is her responsibility. If she wants to give up CP status then that is a different story.
We had SS 24/7 all but 7 weeks a year. My bride never once cried that Sperm Idiot needed to come deal with the daily activities of the Skid even when he was on 12x (every other hour) per day nebulizer treatments for months on end over several years.
Certainly not a complete parallel to the bone marrow issues of the OPs Skid but the closest that I have to reference from my own SP experience.
I am not saying that dad should not be involved in the care of his chronically ill child. What I am saying is that a pregnant bride, a marriage, and a STB newborn have as much priority as the critically ill child and far more priority than the XW.
The DW should not tolerate anything less than equal focus on the marriage and the STB new baby.
I used the example of my kid's chronic childhood asthma (which I too suffered from by the way, and spent seemingly countless days in the Denver Children's Asthma Hospital) because that is what I had as personal parental experience. But ... since that apparently does not meet your personal requireemnt of comperable sitautions and emotional outrage ... how about this?
When my youngest brother was terminally ill in the hospital (he was 10mos old) my parents were of course with him as much as possible. However, they took turns being home with me (then and my other brother (then 2) too. After my youngest brother passed we all had to spend time in the hospital for invasive testing to determine if we had contracted the disease that took my baby bro's life. Mom and dad spent time with both my surviving brother and I equally while they too were tested.
This is different only that Dh and BM are not married wich gives DW and the pregnancy complete priority over BM .. Period. DH should be with his ailing child but no more than he should be with his pregnant wife and their STB child.
To say other wise is, well, as you say "rediculous".
Not in this case Rags. This child may very well die. The OP and her husband don't have a pot to piss in or a window to toss it out of.
In this case BM gets to make all the decisions because she is the one footing the bills, she's making choices that are in the best interest of the child and she has proven that she isn't the type of BM who is out to destroy her ex.
Your parents were married so both adults were looking at what was best for all kid's involved. The OP is joust concerned about herself and her kid. Selfish,selfish,selfish.
I do agree with you to a point, but actually I do not think BM is getting the time and attention from the father. Except for consults and research for the procedure , it appears the father is doing two after work evening visits and one weekend overnight. Meaning 'fair equal' time given the description of hospital visits and the pregnant wife time...the pregnant wife is coming out with four to five evenings, during the day Saturday and all day Sunday plus six overnights.
After the 2b-baby is born I would assume a similar schedule. I don't see how the older child is getting priority in either time and/or attention. Yes, child is a priority(in that time must be made for Dad to be available for sick child) and the situation is taking time away from Dad's home life. Yes, it is not the most desirable circumstance for the pregnant wife looking forward to birth...but the sick child did not pick this time and place to be nor can it be compared to what would normally be a CO NCP visitation. There is nothing 'normal' about a very sick child . This isn't going to be able to be similar to the parent who gets 3hrs on Wednesday evening and 48hrs EOWE with visits being in NCP's home. In fact there may very well be times when this father is called in when the child is doing worse than at other times. You're not going to convince me that you yourself would not have moved heaven and earth to be at your own son's bedside during a similar situation and/or taking turns with your wife. Just as you mention your own parents took turns when your baby brother was so ill, this man is taking turns. He's doing the best he can. He can't be two places at once and he's doing very possible to 'be there' for both his son and also his wife and baby2be.
This man has got to be exhausted and torn right now. He's scrambling between work, hospital and home (2 and 1/2 hours from where DW is). He's got two different settings going on that has to be stressful and conflicting. One child very ill and one child about to be born...how does a man choose between his two responsibilities? He can't. He shouldn't be forced to nor should he be made to feel he's neglecting one child over the other. The OP is going to have to adjust that she nor her baby will have this man currently 24/7 nor can the man sit and hold her hand for the next three weeks. This isn't about stepfamilies and/or BM's getting preference. It's about a man with a very sick little boy and another one on the way. I don't think anyone here expects the man to miss the birth of his newborn. I also doubt anyone here believes the man will not share time between the two children or that he should not. In a perfect world the one child would be not sick and the other 2Bbaby would have his/hers father's undivided attention. It's can't help right now.
I agree. I just find that so many are shredding this STB mother who wants her husband with her over night to be strange. This dad is busting his ass to try to do the right things for all. I respect him for that.
Not a situation I envy any of the participants that is for sure. Dad is lucky if he does not kill himself falling asleep driving back and forth and has to be losing it over his potentially terminally ill child and the looming birth of his next child. BM has to be losing it over her sick child. OP is losing it over the closing days of her pregnancy and wanting the father of her child with her at night.
No easy fix and no unreasonable perspectives across the board from what I can determine.
Just a sad and difficult situation for all involved. I see no villains in this situation; I see only a difficult and tragic situation.
I watched my own parents lose a child and I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been if they had not had each other or how much more difficult it would have been for myself and my surviving younger brother if mom and dad had not been together through that trying time.
Rags, I am a mom and a step mom. Been pregnant three times, had two babies and lost one. Now I have a step child as well.
Speaking as all of the above, you can read the OP jealously and venom towards a BM that is sacrificing anything necessary to help her very ill 7 year old.
Read where the OP talks about its the moms job the care for anything medical, as if it was a minor health issue. Then read where she writes that the BM acts like she deserves an award for caring for her child.
And then there is the money. She states how her DH did not have to pay for CS for two and and how it should stay like that. And...and.....how they really should not have to help with the medical bills. BM can just write a check.
There is such nastiness to this blog. I find it so unsettling that this is a true event. This poor BM. The OP is the one who wrote about her and you can see the BM works hard.
Sorry, but I couldn't disagree more with you on this. The dads SHOULD be spending the night one night a week. He should be paying half the bills and his new wife should grow up.
Do you make unsubstantiated, emotionally charged, yet completely unsupported leaps much?
The kid has received absolute stellar care, Dad has been involved as much as he could be from a work, financial, and time perspective.
The OP is a significanlty pregnanty woman worried about the financial stability of her own family and wanting HER husband equally involved in their marriage and the birth of their child as he in with his ailing prior relationship child.
Where is the wrong in that? Answer: There is no wrong in that.
What is wrong is the groundswell of emotionally driven judgement devoid of intellect that has this OP under such vitriolic attack.
This poor kid. My only experience is when BS was 6 he decided to chop the top of his finger off (well, not all the way, it was flapping). It was 9 months after me and ex broke up. I got him to hospital, called ex, who also spoke to BS then 6. We were in ER for 4 hours. 20 minutes from ex, who said he could not get there right away. When we finally left I called ex, let him know that BS6 was awesome, had 6 stitches and needed to keep it dry. Ex got mad at ME, said I was trying to ruin his vacation (they were leaving a few days later and it would have a pool) and claimed he did not show up because he figured I was just making it sound bad as I wanted to see him. Pretty sure BS6 knew the deal, but he asked repeatedly why dad did not care. Oh, and then I had to take BS6 to a specialist as ex did not bother having stitches removed (it was over his Christmas vacation) and the stitches were adhered.
This KID needs his dad.
Also, when I was with ex, SS2 was diagnosed with diabetes. I of course never questioned him being there, even though BS was only 1 month old. He stayed at the hospital with SS all weekend, with the mom. I stayed home with my BS- 1 month, and skids 5,7 and 11. I lived. Everyone else rallied around.
You need to let this dad be there for his kid, or there will be massive resentment
Thank goodness this OP does not have to squat in a rice paddy to give birth then strap her child to her back and keep on trudging through the mud. Her DH is not deployed. He should be with her during the end of thier pregnancy as much as possible while also being with his ailing son.
And no, DH should not bankrupt his family to pay for anything. He should do what he is capable of doing without relegating his wife and STB born baby to destitution because of the tragic condition of his eldest child.
There is no easy of singularly right answer to this situation. This man has responsibilities to his ailing child, to his wife, and to their STB born child. He needs to step up and deliver on all of those responsibilities.
No soap box. I did not read that she did not want her DH to spend time with his ailing child, only that she wanted him with her over night for the last few weeks of her pregnancy. I did read that she was fine with DH being with his ailing child.
Now turn all this around and put you as the BM with your child as being the sick one and your child does not get much time with dad and you get no time to take a break.
Since this is a rare medical issue and it sounds like this poor kid is not ever going to experience a "normal" life. You need to back off, sit down, and deal with it. When my DD and SD were in the hospital back to back I was the one that stayed with them. The hospital did not want them at the hospital alone because they were young and they preferred someone stay. I would have had no problem at all if BM would have wanted to stay with SD but SD wanted me there. I slept there with SD for 3 nights. Yes, I was exhausted and tired. DH came up tot he hospital after work, I ran home and took a shower and headed back. I would have welcomed BM staying just one night with SD especially since my DD had just been in the hospital two weeks prior for an emergency appendectomy.
Seriously? She has some one there at least five days a week. He sleeps constantly. When I was there, he woke up once in two hours. What is the difference between DH being there during the day versus at night? She's asleep either way!
We are an hour and a half from the hospital, and we live in a rural area. It would take him at least 2 and a half hours to get to where I'm supposed to deliver. We have no family and friends here. DH and I met when he moved to CA after his divorce, and he moved me here because we couldn't afford for him to keep flying his son to him. I'm not a bad person, but I'm so sick of every one thinking that BM's a saint and my DH should be grateful to her. Even he acts like she's the ideal mother.
She does take child support. She didn't for the first two years after their divorce so he could get on his feet. She gets it now, even though she doesn't need it and we are struggling. DH can't even cover half the bills but he still acts like she's fabulous because she doesn't ask for as much as she could. She still gets a ton of money. My DH is a paralegal, and she and her BF make tons. She still filed for CS.
- Whose other child was born with a serious medical condition AND autism. Ever heard of genetics?
- Who is already a disinterested parent. Think he'll be Superdad with your baby?
- Who can't meet his current basic financial obligations. Better find a second job and daycare; You're going to need it.
If you are an actual person, I suggest you stop focusing on BM and instead examine why you seem to make such poor decisions. And pray...pray a lot that your baby will be born whole & healthy, and that you won't end up a single mom with an ex who can't be assed to support and be present for YOUR child.
YUP, she's a saint. She could have requested CS from day. She's happy to have him pay less than what the state would require.
I didn't NEED CS, but I received it because my son deserved to be support by both of his parents.
You really need to get tossed into a ring with some of the BMs and MILs many of the posters here are stuck with. Those crazy women would have you curled up in a corner, suckling on your thumb, pulling your ear and begging to have your BM back.
" even though she doesn't need it and we are struggling. DH can't even cover half the bills but he still acts like she's fabulous because she doesn't ask for as much as she could. She still gets a ton of money. My DH is a paralegal, and she and her BF make tons. She still filed for CS." [OP]
You are either very very young or one cold hearted self entitled woman. If your family is struggling so and DH can't afford his bills, why the heck are you bringing a child into the world the two of you can't afford?
You're not 'special'. And while a baby may be to you, your baby is not one ounce more 'special' than DH's other child is. You don't think it matters to the little boy laying sick in the hospital if said child wakes up to see his Daddy (or Mommy) sitting there more a different friend or relative?
Every child is entitled to support from their parents. BOTH their parents. It doesn't matter if BM is rolling in cash, that little boy is entitled to his father's support. That support is not the mother's to waive. CS is the laws of your state that says your DH will contribute to the support of his son. Doesn't matter that your DH is a paralegal ...I'm going to assume you knew what your DH was and his income potential when you ran down the aisle squealing "I DO' and decided to have another child. And yes, Dh already had a child. One he has a previous obligation to whether that pleases you or not.
You do realize , right, that that little boy in the hospital is the brother to your soon to be born baby? I truly hope you don't spread this attitude towards DH's son off onto your baby.
So because she works hard to earn a living for her sick often hospitalized child the father shouldn't support his child? I could see if your dh had 50/50, but he doesn't
OMG you are totally unbelievable. Most deliveries take several hours not less than 2. If you are having contractions call your DH and he can be on his way.
So you would be okay with your DH not being there for your sick kid because someone else can do it, right? Have you ever once sacrificed for a kid or anyone for that matter? You are being totally immature and selfish. Why don't you take a minute and do some of your own research on this kids illness and what it takes to do a marrow transplant. What is the mortality rate of this kids illness? If this were one of my GROWN skids I would have NO problem with DH being at their side even with psycho bitch BM standing right next to him knowing BM would flip, act like she is MOTY, try to get everyone to look at her, hug her, feel sorry for her and most of all try to convince DH that she has changed and now that the skids are grown and out of the house it is time for them to reconcile.
Many of the BM'S posted about here would have given you and your husband pure hell (to be honest, I think you deserve just that). Instead of being great full that you aren't dealing with a hateful,drama loving BM,you're bitching about a NORMAL who is simply asking dad to help out one night a week.
I hope your inlaws give you pure hell for what you're trying to get your husband to do. Hopefully he will see you for what you really are get the hell away from you. I also hope your in laws are mature enough not to let their feeling for you impact their relationship with your child.
I just want to retire early with millions upon millions in my bank account. OP you can want all you wish but that doesn't necessarily make it true or kind.
Ok, so explain to me what is really wrong with my reaction. I'm not saying he can't be there. I'm saying it doesn't make sense for him to be there overnight. Why can't he be there two weeknights for a few hours and the afternoon on Saturday? What makes overnight so special? He still sees his son just as much, and if something happens in the middle of the night, he's here for me. And don't most kids want their mom if they don't feel well in the middle of the night? He needs his mom.
As for the money, we don't have it. DH had a hard run financially with some stupid debt, and we're just getting back on our feet. Yes, he should contribute, but he and BM sat down and came up with a monthly figure that he could afford. I get that she thinks it's nothing, but it means we never have the kind of extras she has. I don't think she even thinks he'll be able to pay half of DSS's bills. She just wants us to know that once again she's the better parent. DH still acts like she can do no wrong.
I like DSS. I feel bad for him, but DH has to take care of us, too. I never had any idea how bad this was. He acted like it was no big deal and BM had it under control when we met. When we moved, suddenly everything is a crisis. That's fine, but how do we piece our lives together? When does his new family get a chance to be important?
Let me reframe what you said, see if you get why we're coming down on your reaction:
I'm not saying DH can't be with you. I'm saying it doesn't make sense for him to be there overnight 7 nights a week. Why can't he be with you the majority of the time including all but one overnight? What makes overnight so special? He still sees you just as much, and he gets to somewhat meet his obligations as a parent by being there for his son. And isn't mom with her child the other six nights? He needs his dad.
Here's the thing. You're acting like a spoiled child. And you're a fucking grown up. ACT LIKE IT.
That is how you visit extremely ill loved ones (mom/dad/sister/brother/niece/nephew) NOT YOUR CHILD. If it is YOUR CHILD you would want to be there 100% of the time. The BM needs to be able to go home, shower, nap, etc. You DO NOT sleep well in hospitals. I was up 90% of the time when DD and SD were in the hospital. The BM needs a day to reprieve and be herself not mom/nurse/caterer. In a sense you are being our definition of the psycho BM here.
Fine. I guess I'm wrong, but i still think this should have been handled differently. Why didn't he talk to me before he talked to her? It's like some one said that she's like his mom. He basically asks her permission and seeks her approval for everything. I know she thinks he's not a good father because he had some low years, but he doesn't see that. His whole stupid family thinks she's the best, and DSS is always going to be the favorite grandchild. Meanwhile I'm alone while he's with them, and I can't even go most days because he leaves before I get off of work.
I can't even comment on the pregnancy stuff. I am pregnant and it's too late to fix that. I can't get a do over right now.
Seems like there are a lot of other things, wrapped up with this one thing.
Those things need to be dealt with; him not talking things over with you, seeking BM's permission and approval and whatever else, but there's no getting around the fact that his son is very ill and your DH wants to be there for him.
You are absolutely right, he should always consult you before making firm plans unless it is an emergency. You won't get any disagreement here for that. Perhaps you could let him know that, that is what is really bothering you. You understand that he needs to be there for his son, but if he is making plans he has to talk them through with you first. That is what considerate partners do. It doesn't mean you will always get your way but it means that the two of you should aim to work towards a compromise.
It also sounds like you don't feel your position is respected by him or his family. I would work on him first. And say that you understand he has respect for his ex, but that sometimes you feel that you are regarded as less when he esteems his ex so much. If there is anything in particular that he says or does that bothers you, let him know and think of an alternative that you would find more acceptable.
It sounds like you are feeling stressed and insecure whether that is real or if it is pregnancy hormones. If you let your husband know that and ask him to help you feel more secure and relaxed, if he is a decent partner he will try to help you. Don't let these feelings of resentment grow without addressing them together and working together at them.
Perhaps he's starting to see you for the selfish person that you are. If that is the case, he already knew talking to you first would result in you trying to get him to make a stupid choice.
I can see why your inlaws think highly of BM. They know darn well she could have cleaned your husband's clock. The fact that she hasn't done that, speaks volumes.
This is truly awful. This isn't just some strange kid of the street. This is his critically ill child. If my child was that sick?
#1 I'd have a hard time even WANTING to have another child.
#2 I'd spend every possible moment with my stock child. I'd drop everything to ensure it.
#3 I'm sure if you call dh and let him know you are going into labor he'll meet you at the hospital. Labor from when the first contraction hits to when the baby is delivered takes several hours... especially on the first Baby.
This is truly awful. This isn't just some strange kid of the street. This is his critically ill child. If my child was that sick?
#1 I'd have a hard time even WANTING to have another child.
#2 I'd spend every possible moment with my stock child. I'd drop everything to ensure it.
#3 I'm sure if you call dh and let him know you are going into labor he'll meet you at the hospital. Labor from when the first contraction hits to when the baby is delivered takes several hours... especially on the first Baby.
And the sooner you realize that YOU are the only one as excited about your pregnancy (and miserable & ready for it to be over) at this point, the better.
Since you are not currently giving birth, you H doesn't have to be with you at night I don't think. I know you want him there. I had a TERRIBLE time with my H and my pregnancy so maybe I am still bitter LOL.
Yeah, I think if BS8 was this sick, me and ex would be arguing over who got to stay, not who didn't! It is hard with a long term sick child, but both parents should at least be offering to share the load - like one stays the first half of the week, the other the second half. If he lives far away that would be a way to save money on gas. I know when I was pregnant, I quite enjoyed the whole bed to myself to sprawl!
I think its natural to have a sense of entitlement to your DH and want him to yourself , especially in the condition that you are with only a few weeks of pregnancy left, however this is just one of the perils that we accept by dating and marrying a man with kids. I'm sure all of us have had many situations where plans or days were interrupted because of a kid issue. Its just something that you have to accept with kids. Serious issues like an illness are going to come up and whether you like it or not, the kids will have to come first in those situations. I am a strong component for putting a SO first but this situation is a bit different and if it were not, then we could talk...but it's a lot more serious than him choosing his kid over you to go to a baseball game for instance.
I totally get that you are vulnerable and want him there with you, but it is just not realistic in this sense. I wonder if maybe you are just upset at the situation and not DH? I think its totally acceptable to be upset over what is happening and that it is interfering with the time that you should be happy and anxiously anticipating the new arrival, but whats not acceptable is to try to keep your DH from seeing his child in this critical situation. If he wants to spend 1 night a week with his kid, I don't think thats unreasonable considering he is home with you the other 6 nights. He could be there a lot more, so it sounds like he is making you and the baby a priority, despite what may happen with his bio.
Your SS will not be in the hospital forever (at least everyone hopes not) and your DH will have plenty of time for you and your new little one and eventually maybe things will go back to your EOWE arrangement, but for now, I would implore you to be a bit more lenient and understanding and try to put yourself in their own shoes.
I have a flood of emotions and thoughts right now and I'm sure most of my comments have already been said (but there was way too much to read through).
First and foremost, I think it is 100% unreasonable to deny your DH ANY time with his child, especially given the circumstances. This child may live to be 100 (however that's unlikely), but he could also die tomorrow. What he's going through is scary and horrible and my heart ache's for this poor child having to experience that pain. He NEEDS BOTH PARENTS' support through this, and frankly your support would be nice to. You married your DH knowing full well what you were getting into. Whether you knew the full details of his sickness is irrelevant. You knew he had a child and when you chose to be with him, you got him and his child and had to accept the fact that BM was going to be a part of that equation too (Not many of us SM's like their BM's but we have to deal with them, it's part of the deal). If you truly love your husband, then you have to support him 100% through this and it is unacceptable for you to make him choose between you/his unborn child and his sick child. I agree that he needs to have balance, but 1 day a week is not balance. If this was my SS, my DH would be by his side every step of the way and I would be right there, standing next to him, pregnant or not. Like many others said, children come first. I'm sure he wants to be there for the birth of his new child, and support you through it. But that doesn't mean that his other child should take the back burner. He's capable of caring for and supporting both children and you...and he should.
You have to try to put yourself in BM's shoes and think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. I have a feeling you would find it unacceptable for your ex to be absent in such a trying time for your child.
As for the BM - maybe there's more to this story than we realize, but from what you've told us so far she's doing what she's supposed to do as a mother. I would give anything for my SS's BM to give 1/10 of that support to him. You say that she's the CP and that your order doesn't say DH has to pay half of the medical bills, you also say that she makes a lot of money and doesn't need DH's financial support. BUT, if she's the one who's been footing the bill for medical bills (of which sound to me like they've been pretty extensive for years) isn't it safe to assume she doesn't have as much available cash as you think. Medical bills are insane and can eat up money crazy fast! If your DH can't afford to pay half, then they need to sit down and figure out what he can contribute. After all, it's his child too. Also on the money front, the amount her bf makes is totally irrelevant. It's not his responsibility to pay for that child, it's BM's and DH's.
Now I'm not saying that your DH should abandon you and make you do everything by yourself, but you have to remember that you're not the only piece in the puzzle. Dig deep and find the strength to get through this, because if you want to have a happy marriage you HAVE to start being more supportive of your DH's decisions. Yes, he should consult you about some of these things, but whether or not he stays the night to be there for his child, is NOT one of those things. You should have been the one to suggest it and maybe even suggest more days. I'll say it over and over again...this is a CHILD, an innocent helpless child.
As for the comment about children needing their mothers when they're hurt...NOT true. While it is assumed that moms give the better hugs, that's not necessarily all they need. When my SS gets hurt while at BM's the first thing he wants to do is call DH and tell him about it. He needs that confirmation that daddy cares and daddy is there for him. Dad's are big and strong and they are heroes in the eyes of A LOT of kids. Having your DH's support could be that overflowing amount that he needs to pull through this.
This is a time when both parents and all parties involved should be pulling together to stand as one. Putting aside any animosity they have towards each other and putting the child's needs first. BM gets this, DH's is on his way (although I think he needs to step it up and isn't innocent in all of this), now its your turn.
Yes you're being unreasonable but I don't think you're a horrible person. It is normal to go through a mourning period when you realize that the pregnancy/birth experience is not going to be what you had in mind. So take a deep breath, feel your feelings, cry about the fact that it sucks and then move past it.
Really the only way your request would make any sense would be if you had complications that required your DH to be with you. Since you said elsewhere that you're still working though I don't think that's the case.
Just make sure that if in the unlikely event you do go into labour while your DH is with his son he is able to leave right away to come be with you. Yes people give birth everyday but in the case that a decision needs to be made and you're incapacitated you will need your DH there. That means that he will need to call BM to tell her he's leaving, but that he doesn't necessarily wait for her to get to the hospital.
I hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and your birth!
I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I think you're out of your mind...maybe it's hormones but given that you and I are on similar paths at the moment I think it's just you. Not to be a complete bitch but as a future mother, you should understand that he needs to be with his son. I'm sure if you went into labor right now and your baby had to stay in the hospital YOU would be up in the NICU any minute you could be AND you would want the father of your child to also be there. Your feelings aren't superior to hers, your baby is no more special than hers. Your kid is not here yet so let him be there for his other kid. I don't understand you, actually. You knew what his sons medical situation was beforehand, you knew what kind of relationship your DH and his Ex have and have to maintain for their son; if you weren't okay with it then why did you get pregnant? Why did you even start dating him. You have a serious case of the Golden Uterus and I feel bad for your kids future stepmom...
So, were are we on this one? Has the OP been lynched yet? Is the DH a dirtbag or a saint? Has BM been canonized?
This is one tragic situation and I for one hope that the ill child gets all the help he can get and time with both parents. Hopefully he will have a long and happy life and be a great elder bro to his STB younger half sib who hopefully will be raised with equal time with it's father too.
too many comments. people are totally beating up on you for being honest in your feelings. your feelings are normal. you want a NORMAL family and your dh to be in tune with you and your baby. but, he's focused on his ex wife and kid from that marriage, which means YOUR marriage is getting shafted. I get it. but you have to realize that this isn't a normal situation and hasn't been since the day you hooked up with this man. you are going to have to share your dh until you can't take it anymore and divorce him or something happens to his child. people go into marriage with certain ideas of how it's going to go. no, you didn't know how all-encompassing his child's illness was going to be, but now you do. these people beating up on you is TERRIBLE. you were simply naïve. good luck to you.
Hormones? Three weeks ago I wished I'd have been a praying mantis so I would've just bitten my SO's head off afterwards. I raged at him a lot because I had a difficult pregnancy, he wasn't as excited as I was, he bailed on me numerous times during the week to go hang out with his friends - leaving me alone with our adorable but rammy 1yr old, he didn't help make anything easier on me and seemed to take my pregnancy as an excuse to bring his brat around more often. I think those hormones that made me wish SO would just disappear are working on you at this late stage and I get it. Is this your first child? After you have this sweet little bundle and you can't imagine leaving them alone in their own crib let alone being in a hospital and chronically sick, I think you'll see why it's not a reasonable argument... He should be there...you'd want that for your own.
What's normal about having negative feelings/views about a BM who has been kind enough not to take your husband to cleaners? A woman who has done all of the foot work and covered all of the financial burden associated with this child's illness.
If the OP's feelings are normal, then every bat shit crazy BM posted about here also have normal/valid feelings.
what's normal is wanting your dh for yourself and your family. a lot of women don't take into consideration that some men already have obligations in place when they meet them (and unfortunately for op, an ill one). this has nothing to do with bm, it's regarding op's resentment of dh's commitments (no where did I say that bm should carry the entire burden). and i'm sorry, feelings ARE valid.
OP, if you're still reading: you're just as likely to go into labor during the day as you are at night, right? And during the day, if he was with his son, it'd still take hours for him to get home and get you to a hospital, right? So why the ban on overnights?
I don't understand why she just doesn't schedule her delivery to be at the hospital the SS is in. Is that even possible? If so, wouldn't that fix a lot of stuff?
I have a sneaking suspicion that even if her DH was there 100% and fawned over her and ignored his ill child, she would STILL hate BM. For what? Because she made her life into a better one and dumped the albatross that the OP now has hanging around HER neck.
I think it's very possible that dad has severe problems that make him unable to consistently handle normal life responsibilities.
It's very telling that he had a few "down years" doing what addiction? alchohol ism? Or maybe just plain extreme laziness. Probably BM left him because of his severe problems. Then she generously let him off the hook financially. Probably cause she carried the wight their whole marriage.
Then it's also very telling that the father doesn't tell his new wife the severity of his sons illness. He hooks her in, they get pregnant. My guess is all the while he pretended to have an over all healthy child with some mild health condition to manage. just minor little health problems that are not life threatening and don't interfere with anything.
I would bet the father in this case is a colpmetely useless man and it's only a matter of time before he has a few more "down years" and fails his new wife and new child.
BM may be a doctor or lawyer. Her ex may have a low income labor career. His down time might be an injury on job. No one knows the whole history. Many women with high paying career are good about marrying men with low income careers. Later, they wonder why they have issues over income.
If I am correct, I think OP said the drive is 2 1/2 hours one way to hospital. I think he would have to take off work or see his son on his days off.
BM is not a single mom. She is remarried. She is blessed to have remarried a man that can support her taking a leave for work. I am NOT taking sides. This is just fact. It is what it is.
"BM is not a single mom. She is remarried. She is blessed to have remarried a man that can support her taking a leave for work. I am NOT taking sides. This is just fact. It is what it is."
Actually she is not married and it doesn't sound as if her boyfriend needs to 'support' (financially) her.
" She has her phd, and she makes money in private practice on top of her regular job. And her bf makes even more money than she does."
But you two seem to have just taken some assumptions and ran with creating your own stories *shrugs*
She also said her DH is a paralegal I believe. Not a whole lot of "on the job" injuries there. Also not really a "fluctuating income" field. It's possible he got laid off, of course - but she said down YEARS. That's a hell of a long time to be unemployed, unless you can find someone to support you while you cherry pick opportunities.
And pp is right - BM has a BF, not a DH. Even if she WAS remarried though, what does that have to do with the price of tea in china? That affects the father's OBLIGATION TO HIS CHILD not one little bit.
Money is SO not the issue here. The issue is time. Dad needs to be spending at least one overnight in the hospital with his kid. I don't care if Mom is Mother Fucking Theresa and can be there 24/7 because she has the entire Catholic Church as backup. I don't care if she's actually Bill Gates experimenting with identifying as female and can afford to BUY the damn hospital. Nothing about the mother erases or even mitigates the father's moral obligation to his child.
OP asked if asking Dad to skip all overnights was unreasonable. YES. It is both unreasonable and insanely selfish. Nothing else in her entire post was relevant. Certainly not money. WHY do you keep coming back to the money?!?!?
The main fact of the situation is this - there is a critically ill child who needs both parents. The concepts of "what's fair" and "what's right" and "but I'm pregnant" go right out of the window. This child, unfair as it may seem to you, should absolutely be considered in all decision-making because he needs his father, and not only when you "allow" his father to be there. This is what marriage is about, baby girl, making compromises, sacrificing and making decisions for the better good of the family. At this point in time, your family includes BM and her ill child. I don't have a lot of hope for your marriage if you don't figure this out soon, because eventually your husband will realize where your priorities lie and they aren't with him, for all your protestations. If he figures this out and doesn't care, then I say you deserve each other and feel sorry for all the children involved. (If I were a betting woman I'd say your husband sounds like the first variety. Sorry.)
One more thing: BM's financial situation is absolutely none of your business. None.
My stepson suffered a complication after finally engrafting and passed away. Due to the damage done to his liver after years of transfusions, he developed Veno Occlusive Disease, and after multiple organs were effected, he hung for a while but then died. I was wrong. I've never seen some one in so much pain, and his mother sat with him through all of it. He clung to her, and he vented all of his anger to her. She was a rock. I did hear you guys and my DH was there almost every night after I posted. He didn't even get to go on his Make a Wish trip. He wanted to see a volcano in Hawaii and lay on the beach and "relax". He was in so much pain, and nothing touched it. I wish I could kill the person who posted this.
"I wish I could kill the person who posted this." i think you already have.
everyone is going to feel like they wish they could have done more. that's normal. but he had both his parents at his side through it all. he's no longer suffering.
so very sorry for the loss of such a young, innocent child.
Urbanheirloom, I am so so sorry about your stepson. I can't even imagine what he went through and what his loved ones are going through now. I can hear the sorrow and regret in your words. I'm so sorry.
Maybe when you're ready you can tell us about your new baby who must be a few months old by now. Take care sweetie.
I am so, so sorry for what your family, your DH, the BM had to go through and for your SS whose life was cut so short.
The only words of comfort I can offer are these: Try to be content that, even if you were opposed to it at the time, felt it was unfair, that you did the right thing, that your DH did the right thing at the right time, and that it wasn't too late like so many other stories end. Remember, we cannot know the future, and to live every day like the next is the last means that you won't every be able to take care of the other priorities in your life, so I knew where you were coming from.
And, in hindsight, you always wish you could have done more or could have done things differently. My grandmother, who I loved so incredibly much, was in the hospital to take out a kidney that had cancerous tumors on it. I alternated overnights with my mother (my sister was still too young to drive), cleaned her diapers, rolled her over for bedsores, spoke with the doctors and did translations for her, fed her when she didn't want to eat, talked to her and tried to reassure her she was going to be okay--I did all of that and what kills me is that the night before she passed away, I had to leave for a final (second year of college) the next day when she didn't want me to go (we had brought her home), and I told her, "Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow after my test to see you." I did see her, but it was too late. I got the voicemail from my mom after I got out of the test that afternoon. You think that maybe you should have skipped it, that you didn't know the gravity of the situation, and you would give anything to go back in time and change those moments you were frustrated, or were glad to be handing your shift off to someone else.
It took me a long time to reconcile it with what I had told you above, because we truly can't know the future, and we do as much as we can juggling the things we have to do with the knowledge we have at the time. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it was the right choice to make at the time, sometimes it isn't.
DH still is reconciling the fact that when his father was in the hospital, he left a two days before his dad was discharged on vacation with his GF at that time, and on the day of discharge, as his father was walking OUT of the hospital, suffered a massive heart attack and died. So last year, even though we had a trip (business related) planned and he was going to go, when his mom fell ill and went to the hospital, I made the decision to stay, and after, he thanked me because even though his mom was fine, if something that happened, he would have been devastated. But unless you've been through it once, you don't really think about it or know that's a possibility.
The Chinese have very rigid death rituals--every seven days for the first seven months is ritualized until the entombment of the ashes, and for three years we do not host parties in our homes to show our respect. We pin a little black on our clothes for the first month, burn offerings that we fold as a family together for every one of their rituals because we believe sending regular gifts to the afterlife show our appreciation and how much we miss them--and my mother told me, these things are for the living, not for the dead. Because we always wish we could have done more, having these rituals allow us to reconcile that because we feel like we're doing something for them after death. On birthdays, new years, and other holidays, we invite their spirits and place a meal in front of what's called a kamiza (spirit house) which is an alter and shrine each family has for their deceased. I hope you and your family find some sort of comfort and ritual that can help ease this transition.
So very sorry. My prayers to the whole family. Life is so unfair at times. Be there to comfort each other. Don't blame yourself. You are only human. His parents were there, he knew it. God Bless him
I usually just lurk here, but
I usually just lurk here, but I really need advice. My SIL thinks I'm being unreasonable, so I want to hear from actual step parents.
DH and I have been married for two years, together three. I'm 37 weeks pregnant. He has a DS, 7. DSS has had health problems since birth. He was born with a blood disorder, and he's been on blood transfusions since he was in the nicu. What he has is really rare, and DH says he seems to have every complication. His liver was in rough shape recently, and he's been getting a nightly infusion of medicine since he was two. He's also autistic, but he's pretty high functioning. In December, BM tells DH that he HAS to attend a doctor's appointment with her because DSS's counts look bad. BM has always taken care of the medical stuff, like driving him to the hospital for things and taking off of work. She's never said it, but I think she's always been bitter. She once told SIL that her career has been hurt because she has to take off work 3-4 times a month to drive him to appointments that are an hour and a half away, but what does she expect? She can't not go, and it doesn't make sense for DH to pay child support and have his career messed up too. DH thinks BM does a good job with the medical stuff, and I'm sure she does. I just don't think she should get an award for being a decent mom.
Anyway, she demands that DH take off work to go to a doctor's appointment, and after the appointment they decide the kid needs a bone marrow transplant. Fine. Let's do it. But she convinces DH they need second opinions and to look at different transplant centers. I was ok with them going to New York because what he has is rare and that's where the doctors who know about his disease are. They say to definitely do a bone marrow transplant. DH comes back with a list of seven places they tell us to look at, one of which is DSS's hospital. I think that should have been recommendation enough to stay put, but BM felt we "owed it to DSS" to make sure we considered all of our options. She travels or does phone consults with all of them, and she pretty much demands that DH look at the two that were most highly recommended. Of course, they decide to stay out, just like I wanted, wasting hundreds of dollars in plane tickets and hotel rooms. DH says he thought it was a good idea, but I think BM is free and loose with her money. She and her BF make a ton, and then she gets child support, too. Meanwhile, we struggle.
So DSS was admitted three and a half weeks ago. Every one agreed that BM would be the one to take off of work. She's the cp. We only have him four days a month. The doctors tell her she needs to take off at least four months, but she should prepare her employer for her being gone for up to a year if there are complications. She acts like this is a big deal, but her employer is holding her job. Plus she's loaded. She has her phd, and she makes money in private practice on top of her regular job. And her bf makes even more money than she does. She's going to be fine, but of course she has to mention that she's leaving her fancy job and won't have income. It probably looks innocent to other people, but I have always thought she thinks she's better than us. DH said that at the end of their marriage, she told him that she'd "take care of him". She acts like she was a saint for paying off his vehicle and not filing for child support for the first two years. DH thinks we should be grateful that she never comes after Us for extra money for medical bills, but I think his guilt means that he lets her talk him into things he should discuss with me first. And I think she uses the sick kid card to guilt him into doing what she wants.
Before the admission without talking to me, DH agrees to go up three times a week to help BM. He goes twice after work, and he agrees to spend the night on Saturdays to give BM a break. She also has her long-time boyfriend and mother to help her, mind you, and I could go into labor at any time. I tell him I'm fine with the nights each week as long as he's home by 10 (the hospital is far away and in a big city), but he can't spend the night. He shouldn't have agreed to that. I get that his kid is really sick, but what about me and his unborn son? What if I go into labor and he's stuck in traffic?
He comes back at me that this is his son, and BM shouldn't be the only one doing the hard work. Um, she's not. He's there and so are lots of other people. Why does it matter who spends the night? All I ask is that he come home after visiting! She's a grown up and needs to take care of her kid, and she can't pretend she's DH's wifey anymore. He has new responsibilities! Now she's bitching to SIL that I'm keeping DH from his son. I'm not! I just want him home. And now she's pissed because she thought DH would take Saturday nights when they get moved to the Ronald McDonald House, and I'm not ok with that. I'll be all alone with a new baby. I need my husband too!
I feel like I'm being painted as the evil stepmonster, but I think BM is being a martyr. I get that she does a lot for the kid and it sucks that he's so sick, but she's gone full martyr. He sleeps all day, so don't tell me she can't nap while DH is there during the day. DH won't say it, but I known he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I went with him to visit for the first time yesterday, and BM wouldn't even make eye contact with me. She's also asking for us to pay half of his medical bills. There's nothing in the court order about it, and she's always paid in the past because she makes so much more money than DH. Now she says that because she's had to stop working, we need to contribute. DH agrees with her, but we don't have the money. We're talking tons of money, and even if we'd had years of notice, the drug copays alone would bankrupt us. She could just write a check? Should we fight it? DH told her that we'd figure something out without talking to me, but even he admits that he shouldn't have said that. We just don't have the money.
So here's my question: am I being unreasonable to want DH to not spend the night there? He can visit as much as he wants, but I want him back at night. Is that so bad?
Personally, from what you
Personally, from what you wrote, I don't see this BM being horrible. Of course she's upset that she has to away from her career for up to 1yr. And I agree with your DH that its kind of her not to ask for CS for two years and not ask for help with medical expenses.
The least your husband can do is spend ONE night a week with his sick kid. She totally deserves a break. It's his kid too and he's lucky she's not asking him for more. Who cares if she has other people to help her. Its not their job. It's SS parents job to be there for him and I'm sure SS is scared and wants to see daddy.
You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your DH has a very sick kid and sometimes that means you will have to be alone with your child.
Eh, I would have to say I
Eh, I would have to say I cant agree with you. If my daughter was in the hospital for what seems to be a LONG time and her dad (he wouldn't but if he were around and were decent) said he couldn't come cause his new wife needs him at home the once a week I was asking him to be there, I would be mad and hurt too. Mainly for my child. BM is putting a lot of time in with her kid, which she should. BUT so should the dad and she is only asking for one night a week. Maybe they could alternate what day it is instead of ALWAYS on Sat?
Think about it this way. If your unborn child was in the hospital for a long time, would you expect DH to stay with him as well? You would, and if he gave SS as a reason for not coming, you would be hurt and mad. Also, you don't want SS to look back on this years later and say "why didn't my dad ever help out while I was in the hospital? why wasn't I worth the time" I have to say, if it were me, I would demand he be with his son that one night a week. Its something he cant take back once it happens and its not like its just a sleepover. He is in the hospital.
As far as medical bills, if its not in the divorce papers I would totally not pay half without consulting someone first! I would attempt to help pay but if you cant afford half, and already pay child support, I wouldn't pay half.
Sorry, I am sure this isn't what you wanted to hear.
Its not just BMs job to be
Its not just BMs job to be the parent, sorry. No matter how many other kids your DH decides to have after SS. SS is still his son.
Your DH can spend one freakin night with his son. No biggie.
If I was in this situation I'd be PISSED if my Ex left this all on me. No matter who is CP or what my income was or whatever else was going on. This is still his kid.
You are pregnant, not made of glass. People have babies every single minute. If you go into labor or have issues just call your DH. Not a big deal.
I suspect I'll be in the
I suspect I'll be in the minority here, but... yeah. You're being WAY unreasonable. Let me break down what I read.
BM: Is the primary caregiver for an incredibly sick child, one who (it sounds like) will ALWAYS be sick. She handles the bulk of the medical appointments, she has to take off work for months to a year, and she has to coordinate and research very VERY specialized care since this is a rare condition.
SS: The kid has not only been sick and in and out of hospitals his entire life, subjected to more needles than Heroin Harriet, and being bored out of his skull eating jello in hospital rooms all the time, he also only gets to see his dad a few times a month. He's probably scared, with this new "you're going to be in the hospital for a really long time" thing going on.
You: Have a perfectly normal and complication free pregnancy. Your first, which means labor could be 8-12 hours long easy, plenty of time for anyone to get to you. Women have been dropping kids for millennia, this ain't nothing new, and they also somehow manage to care for their child without the Big Strong Man being there every night. (Um... like BM for crying out loud! You seem to look down on her, so if she can do it, so can you.)
Look, I get wanting your DH to be there 100% for his new family. I do. But that's no your reality. And we're not talking about a guy who wants to take his "first born" to Disney World over your due date - we're talking about a father who wants to be there for his desperately sick child. YOU are the adult. You need to pull it together and be thankful that YOUR child is healthy and that you aren't going to be the one quitting your job for a year so you can spend it in the hospital with your kid. Jesus, where is your heart???
I would blame hormones for
I would blame hormones for most of these feelings. I don't think you DH is being unreasonable, other than him not talking to you first before agreeing.
At 37 weeks you probably won't go into labor without him. But I don't think it would be unreasonable to not stay the night past 40 weeks. Hopefully you will go into labor on another day & it won't be a big deal.
If this was a normal visit I'd have a different opinion. But the kid is sick, & BM is already taking months-a year off work for it. She deserves an overnight break. Plus I'm sure DH is really worried about his son. What if BM was pregnant, would that mean DH did all the work? It just doesn't work that way.
I'm sorry, it is a sucky situation.
Let's look at it from a
Let's look at it from a different scenario. Let's say this is your soon to be little bundle of joy you're expecting and flash forward a few years. You little one has the same thing and same complications as your SS. Would you seriously just expect the guy to leave it up to you. Should DH just work and let you do everything. Now let's say your marriage during that flash forward doesn't survive.
Are you ok with your now ex husband leaving your little one alone in the hospital? Would you expect everyone BUT DH to do their share?
This is a little child who wants and deserves his Daddy in SS's time of need. This is all as much on him as being father as it is on whether or not BM is CP. For example, let's say you for some weird reason doesn't get CP in the scenario flash forward. Let's pretend your now ex husband has it. Are you going to just sit home every evening and toss up your hands going 'Meh, the kid's father can worry about the kid'?
Yes, I think you're being very unreasonable. What part of this man loves this little boy and does so with every bit as much as you'll be expecting the man to love your child, don't you 'get'?
The more I think about this
The more I think about this post the more I think the OP is unbelievably selfish. She doesn't even have any compassion for her own DH who has to watch his kid go through this!
I can't stop thinking about
I can't stop thinking about it either. This is the kind of behavior that makes SM's look bad.
Not just SM's, but Step
Not just SM's, but Step Parents in general!
OMG you are a little bit of a
OMG you are a little bit of a horrible person. Imagine if this was YOUR child with him as an EX. For god's sake... his son is getting a BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT. This isn't a tonsillectomy. HE COULD DIE. And you are begrudging a man for wanting to see his critically ill son once or twice a week????
Golden Uterus much????
You are 100% in the WRONG. And I do hope it is pregnancy hormones.
Seriously, can I trade the BM
Seriously, can I trade the BM I have for this one, please?
It's no secret to anyone here
It's no secret to anyone here I strongly dislike my former step kids, however no I would have never told their father he could not spend the night with his scared son while he was in the hospital. But even with having experience with skids I can really only look at this from BM's POV. If that were my son and his father wasn't there for him, I'd be so pissed. Even if I am the CO I didn't make that kid on my own and it damn sure is his responsibility to help me with him sick or not. Even if he pays cs, a check every month does not a good father make. I'd be real careful how you handle this and your feelings toward a kid who has no control of the sickness he was born with. Karma can be a real pain in the ass.
If you are really worried
If you are really worried about being alone, can you go with him and either stay at the hospital too or in a nearby hotel for the night. That way he won't be far away and there is the added bonus that you will be near a hospital?
Otherwise you could look at arranging an emergency birthing partner for if your husband isn't around. A relative of friend or even hiring a dula who lives near you who is happy to help you out and be with you for a few hours until your husband can get back to you. I can understand the fear of not wanting to go through your first birth alone, but as others have pointed out one night a week isn't much for BM to ask your husband to be available. For a regular birth there is a about a month long window when your baby may arrive, chances are the baby will arrive on a different day. With any luck your baby will arrive on a Tuesday and none of your worries will happen. If baby starts to make an appearance on a Saturday, you can make two phone calls and immediately your husband will be on his way back to you and then your emergency birthing partner will be with you asap until he arrives. Having a plan will help you feel better that you know what is going to happen and know that you won't be abandoned.
I would agree. One night or
I would agree. One night or even two nights a week especially if it is saturday and sunday I wouldn't see a problem with.
I can see why you are hurt and feel like you are getting the short end of the stick, but your BM is being reasonable...you maybe just can't see it because you are so close and personally involved.
She is just asking for the father of her child to be a dad-one night a week. And honestly I think she is owed that break.
Additionally just because someone "makes more money than you" does not mean they are better off than you. Unless you do her banking and taxes for her...you really don't know what her finances are-or for that matter how much her boyfriend shares with her either.
Also if you are concerned about being alone. Tag along. Stay in a hotel up there by them for the weekend. If you really feel that alone.
I have to agree with everyone
I have to agree with everyone else. Although it seems like it's really putting your family out both emotionally AND financially, we're talking a child's life here....
I can't speak from a child perspective, but when my first DH was diagnosed with a rare terminal brain cancer, I had a 2 year old and I was pregnant. I can't even begin to tell you how much money we spent jetting across the US getting second, third, tenth opinions.... and then on top of that the experimental drugs. We maxed out credit cards, applied for more credit cards, and at the end I had two to three times more debt than DH's life insurance would pay for. But... what *wouldn't* you do in this type of scenario? It was bad enough knowing my 30-something DH was going to die, I can't imagine what it would be like if they told me the same thing about my child.
During this time, my 2 year old became critically ill and had to be hospitalized. Because she had an infection, my DH was not allowed to come to the hospital to see her (actually, he was IN the hospital for part of her hospitalization). That tore him up.... to be 2 floors away from his sick daughter and unable to see her. And then... I had to *choose* who to go see and when, because I couldn't just bounce from daughter's infected room to DH's chemo room. By this time I was 38 weeks pregnant and wondering if all THREE of us being in at the same time would net us a frequent flier discount from the hospital (I worked there too).
I know as a parent there are no ends to the lengths I would go to to be with/try to save my child.
(No subject)
Thanks to all 3 of you.
Thanks to all 3 of you. But... I did survive. Not an experience I'd want to have to go thru again, but as the bracelet my first DH gave me before he passed says, "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it."
People sometimes tell me that
People sometimes tell me that but I hope that, at some time, life stops throwing me these much lemons. My hopes are the same for you!
You are unreasonable and
You are unreasonable and selfish. If I were I'd be scared out of my mind that the karma bus was heading my way.
Your post beyond vomit inducing.
I think your being
I think your being unreasonable too.
Sorry.
I'm also a BM.
1) My SD was hospitalized, DH took turns with BM up at the hospital, I too had 3 more kids at home to care for while DH was gone, It was more important that SD not be alone in that scary for kids place and she too was 7.
2) BM wise, My 1st husband worked 3rd shift, my 2 babies were born on Friday, he was home with me Sat/Sun and beck to work Monday. I was on my own all day and all night. Its not that hard, its only one night he is there with his son.
* I offered to take my bios for ExH when his wife went into labor, I can't imagine that BM wouldn't run up to the hospital to be with your SS if DH needed to leave for the birth of the baby.
On a selfish note: My DD
On a selfish note:
My DD broke her arm, displaced it, had to have a procedure with sedation to repair it before casting.
My ExH was all "OMG, I didn't know it was that bad" and came to the hospital, then once he got there he was all "I don't want to get sick from all these sick kids in here a month before new baby is due.
He bailed on his daughter, left her there so he wouldn't get sick, she never forgave him for that, she never will.
I don't blame her, it was an ASS move on his part...but hey, the guy was NEVER there for his kids so it didn't shock me too much.
LMAO, I know right. DD just
LMAO, I know right.
DD just rolled her eyes at him, I smiled and said "I totally understand, whats best for the baby is what should be considered"
Just because I was trying to be polite (and I didn't want to sit there waiting with him!)
First, I just want to hug the
First, I just want to hug the OP and tell her I'm so sorry this is her reality. I agree with this statement above: "You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your DH has a very sick kid and sometimes that means you will have to be alone with your child." I know it must be so hard to have what is a dark cloud due to a child that another woman gave birth to hanging over the joy you feel over the fact that you are about to have your first child. As a SM to 2 boys, now 19 and 21, and a BM to 2 boys, now 7 and 13, I see both sides of this and have compassion for you.
Having been a SM for 15 years, my best advice to you is to take the opportunity here to be the bigger person and support your husband in this endeavor fully. Not only is it the right thing to do, for all the reasons the above posters have outlined, BUT, because it likely will make YOUR marriage stronger and make your DH love YOU all the more! In a MUCH less serious situation, when I was 35 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and told I could go into labor at any time, my DH chose to go on a father/son trip with oldest SS. We had been having issues with that SS being distant, and my DH wanted the chance to really bond with him before our DS7 was born. Instead of making a big deal about it, I had a relative stay with me, and we had a plan of notifying DH right away if I went into labor. It turned out, I was fine, though I had a C-section at 36 weeks, the next week, with my DH there. However, my DH was SO grateful to me for letting him have that time. I wish I could say I was the bigger person at every instance when the SSs were growing up, but I wasn't. However, I tried to be, especially when it mattered most, and I can tell you, now that SSs are grown (SS21 is even married with 2 children of his own) my and DH's marriage is stronger than ever.
I think you need to think hard on the fact that your DH has an obligation to this child as much as his obligation will be to your child, if not more, due to his illness right now. Would you really want a man who would give such a minimal effort to his sick child and leave all the heavy lifting on the BM? Hopefully, you have family and friends who can support you during this difficult time and can find a way within yourself to do this. I realize it's NOT easy, but I think the sooner you realize this is the way it is and find ways to deal with it, the better it will be. If this little boy lives, and I pray fervently that he does, I bet there will be many more times when your DH has to put him first over your family, and the sooner you accept that, the better. Best of luck to you!
1. Take some responsibility
1. Take some responsibility for getting pregnant knowing that he had a child that is very sickly. It isn't like this child magically appeared to screw with your pregnancy.
2. Don't you have any support system besides your DH? When I went into labor, it was my mother who took me to the hospital. My DS's father wasn't even in town.
3. You don't always "know what you are getting into" when you become a SM BUT you knew that he had this kid and the kid wasn't in the best of health. You knew before even getting pregnant that you AND your child weren't going to get 100% of your DH's time OR money.
4. I think the very LEAST that a good father would do would be one overnight a week along with other visits. I wouldn't begrudge him or the kid that.
5. I am not really sure what it is that BM has done that makes you so upset. It sounds like jealousy mostly.
6. He (and BM) might be able to work out reduced bills or get some sort of help since BM is not working for a long period of time and your DH doesn't sound like he makes all that much either.
7. If you guys are cutting things so close to the bone now, be prepared to get a job (or two) and for your DH to get a better paying job and/or a second one. Sooner rather than later.
8. Your pregnancy hormones may be making this whole thing into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Would you SERIOUSLY want your DH to be with you (on the chance you might give birth) and his son, heaven forbid DIE? That would destroy your marriage eventually.
Sounds to me like you should have held out for a guy without a kid. Then you and your child would be able to have 100% of what he has to give.
I don't even have words.
I don't even have words. This is some of the worst I've seen on this site.
I tend to be pragmatic in my
I tend to be pragmatic in my opinions rather than emotional, so my opinion will be somewhat solution focused.
No, you are not being selfish at this point in your pregnancy IMHO. DH should not be away from you extensively during the last few weeks of your pregnancy. This situation with SS has been going on for years and will go on for many, many, more so some balance will need to be obtained or this tension will extend for a very long time.
You will soon have an infant who will need it's father as much as it's ailing elder brother does. Setting some kind of equity in his responsibility for the two kids is something that your DH will need to be held accountable for and do not forget that your marriage is the only priority before either kid and for sure before BM. Hold DH accountable for all of these things and do not allow the tragic emotion of the Skid situation distract you from your own child and marriage or allow DH to fail to deliver to his responsibilities to you and your child together.
This is a tragic situation that I certainly hope has a happy ending but regardless both kids need their dad and you need your husband. DH needs to make all of that happen.
Congrats on the new baby and I hope that you and DH can figure it all out.
Take care of yourself and do not let the emotional reactions to the Skid's condition convince you that you are some kind of evil Step Mom. You aren't.
Thank you! This is all I'm
Thank you! This is all I'm saying. He has two children now.
Since you liked Rags post,
Since you liked Rags post, I'll point this out:
" Setting some kind of equity in his responsibility for the two kids is something that your DH will need to be held accountable for"
One could argue that it would be "equitable" to spend one overnight with the sick child. In fact, one could argue it would be equitable to spend 3 nights one week and 4 the next. Since, you know, he has TWO children and should be there for them equally.
Except that BM is the CP.
Except that BM is the CP. The primary care is her responsibility. If she wants to give up CP status then that is a different story.
We had SS 24/7 all but 7 weeks a year. My bride never once cried that Sperm Idiot needed to come deal with the daily activities of the Skid even when he was on 12x (every other hour) per day nebulizer treatments for months on end over several years.
Certainly not a complete parallel to the bone marrow issues of the OPs Skid but the closest that I have to reference from my own SP experience.
I am not saying that dad
I am not saying that dad should not be involved in the care of his chronically ill child. What I am saying is that a pregnant bride, a marriage, and a STB newborn have as much priority as the critically ill child and far more priority than the XW.
The DW should not tolerate anything less than equal focus on the marriage and the STB new baby.
I used the example of my kid's chronic childhood asthma (which I too suffered from by the way, and spent seemingly countless days in the Denver Children's Asthma Hospital) because that is what I had as personal parental experience. But ... since that apparently does not meet your personal requireemnt of comperable sitautions and emotional outrage ... how about this?
When my youngest brother was terminally ill in the hospital (he was 10mos old) my parents were of course with him as much as possible. However, they took turns being home with me (then
and my other brother (then 2) too. After my youngest brother passed we all had to spend time in the hospital for invasive testing to determine if we had contracted the disease that took my baby bro's life. Mom and dad spent time with both my surviving brother and I equally while they too were tested.
This is different only that Dh and BM are not married wich gives DW and the pregnancy complete priority over BM .. Period. DH should be with his ailing child but no more than he should be with his pregnant wife and their STB child.
To say other wise is, well, as you say "rediculous".
Not in this case Rags. This
Not in this case Rags. This child may very well die. The OP and her husband don't have a pot to piss in or a window to toss it out of.
In this case BM gets to make all the decisions because she is the one footing the bills, she's making choices that are in the best interest of the child and she has proven that she isn't the type of BM who is out to destroy her ex.
Your parents were married so both adults were looking at what was best for all kid's involved. The OP is joust concerned about herself and her kid. Selfish,selfish,selfish.
Ridiculous is actually what I
Ridiculous is actually what I prefer. Sorry I fat fingered the typing.
I do agree with you to a
I do agree with you to a point, but actually I do not think BM is getting the time and attention from the father. Except for consults and research for the procedure , it appears the father is doing two after work evening visits and one weekend overnight. Meaning 'fair equal' time given the description of hospital visits and the pregnant wife time...the pregnant wife is coming out with four to five evenings, during the day Saturday and all day Sunday plus six overnights.
After the 2b-baby is born I would assume a similar schedule. I don't see how the older child is getting priority in either time and/or attention. Yes, child is a priority(in that time must be made for Dad to be available for sick child) and the situation is taking time away from Dad's home life. Yes, it is not the most desirable circumstance for the pregnant wife looking forward to birth...but the sick child did not pick this time and place to be nor can it be compared to what would normally be a CO NCP visitation. There is nothing 'normal' about a very sick child . This isn't going to be able to be similar to the parent who gets 3hrs on Wednesday evening and 48hrs EOWE with visits being in NCP's home. In fact there may very well be times when this father is called in when the child is doing worse than at other times. You're not going to convince me that you yourself would not have moved heaven and earth to be at your own son's bedside during a similar situation and/or taking turns with your wife. Just as you mention your own parents took turns when your baby brother was so ill, this man is taking turns. He's doing the best he can. He can't be two places at once and he's doing very possible to 'be there' for both his son and also his wife and baby2be.
This man has got to be exhausted and torn right now. He's scrambling between work, hospital and home (2 and 1/2 hours from where DW is). He's got two different settings going on that has to be stressful and conflicting. One child very ill and one child about to be born...how does a man choose between his two responsibilities? He can't. He shouldn't be forced to nor should he be made to feel he's neglecting one child over the other. The OP is going to have to adjust that she nor her baby will have this man currently 24/7 nor can the man sit and hold her hand for the next three weeks. This isn't about stepfamilies and/or BM's getting preference. It's about a man with a very sick little boy and another one on the way. I don't think anyone here expects the man to miss the birth of his newborn. I also doubt anyone here believes the man will not share time between the two children or that he should not. In a perfect world the one child would be not sick and the other 2Bbaby would have his/hers father's undivided attention. It's can't help right now.
I agree. I just find that so
I agree. I just find that so many are shredding this STB mother who wants her husband with her over night to be strange. This dad is busting his ass to try to do the right things for all. I respect him for that.
Not a situation I envy any of the participants that is for sure. Dad is lucky if he does not kill himself falling asleep driving back and forth and has to be losing it over his potentially terminally ill child and the looming birth of his next child. BM has to be losing it over her sick child. OP is losing it over the closing days of her pregnancy and wanting the father of her child with her at night.
No easy fix and no unreasonable perspectives across the board from what I can determine.
Just a sad and difficult situation for all involved. I see no villains in this situation; I see only a difficult and tragic situation.
I watched my own parents lose a child and I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been if they had not had each other or how much more difficult it would have been for myself and my surviving younger brother if mom and dad had not been together through that trying time.
Rags, I am a mom and a step
Rags, I am a mom and a step mom. Been pregnant three times, had two babies and lost one. Now I have a step child as well.
Speaking as all of the above, you can read the OP jealously and venom towards a BM that is sacrificing anything necessary to help her very ill 7 year old.
Read where the OP talks about its the moms job the care for anything medical, as if it was a minor health issue. Then read where she writes that the BM acts like she deserves an award for caring for her child.
And then there is the money. She states how her DH did not have to pay for CS for two and and how it should stay like that. And...and.....how they really should not have to help with the medical bills. BM can just write a check.
There is such nastiness to this blog. I find it so unsettling that this is a true event. This poor BM. The OP is the one who wrote about her and you can see the BM works hard.
Sorry, but I couldn't disagree more with you on this. The dads SHOULD be spending the night one night a week. He should be paying half the bills and his new wife should grow up.
Do you make unsubstantiated,
Do you make unsubstantiated, emotionally charged, yet completely unsupported leaps much?
The kid has received absolute stellar care, Dad has been involved as much as he could be from a work, financial, and time perspective.
The OP is a significanlty pregnanty woman worried about the financial stability of her own family and wanting HER husband equally involved in their marriage and the birth of their child as he in with his ailing prior relationship child.
Where is the wrong in that? Answer: There is no wrong in that.
What is wrong is the groundswell of emotionally driven judgement devoid of intellect that has this OP under such vitriolic attack.
IMHO of course.
This poor kid. My only
This poor kid. My only experience is when BS was 6 he decided to chop the top of his finger off (well, not all the way, it was flapping). It was 9 months after me and ex broke up. I got him to hospital, called ex, who also spoke to BS then 6. We were in ER for 4 hours. 20 minutes from ex, who said he could not get there right away. When we finally left I called ex, let him know that BS6 was awesome, had 6 stitches and needed to keep it dry. Ex got mad at ME, said I was trying to ruin his vacation (they were leaving a few days later and it would have a pool) and claimed he did not show up because he figured I was just making it sound bad as I wanted to see him. Pretty sure BS6 knew the deal, but he asked repeatedly why dad did not care. Oh, and then I had to take BS6 to a specialist as ex did not bother having stitches removed (it was over his Christmas vacation) and the stitches were adhered.
This KID needs his dad.
Also, when I was with ex, SS2 was diagnosed with diabetes. I of course never questioned him being there, even though BS was only 1 month old. He stayed at the hospital with SS all weekend, with the mom. I stayed home with my BS- 1 month, and skids 5,7 and 11. I lived. Everyone else rallied around.
You need to let this dad be there for his kid, or there will be massive resentment
Thank goodness this OP does
Thank goodness this OP does not have to squat in a rice paddy to give birth then strap her child to her back and keep on trudging through the mud. Her DH is not deployed. He should be with her during the end of thier pregnancy as much as possible while also being with his ailing son.
And no, DH should not bankrupt his family to pay for anything. He should do what he is capable of doing without relegating his wife and STB born baby to destitution because of the tragic condition of his eldest child.
There is no easy of singularly right answer to this situation. This man has responsibilities to his ailing child, to his wife, and to their STB born child. He needs to step up and deliver on all of those responsibilities.
No soap box. I did not read
No soap box. I did not read that she did not want her DH to spend time with his ailing child, only that she wanted him with her over night for the last few weeks of her pregnancy. I did read that she was fine with DH being with his ailing child.
Apparently I may have missed something.
Now turn all this around and
Now turn all this around and put you as the BM with your child as being the sick one and your child does not get much time with dad and you get no time to take a break.
Since this is a rare medical issue and it sounds like this poor kid is not ever going to experience a "normal" life. You need to back off, sit down, and deal with it. When my DD and SD were in the hospital back to back I was the one that stayed with them. The hospital did not want them at the hospital alone because they were young and they preferred someone stay. I would have had no problem at all if BM would have wanted to stay with SD but SD wanted me there. I slept there with SD for 3 nights. Yes, I was exhausted and tired. DH came up tot he hospital after work, I ran home and took a shower and headed back. I would have welcomed BM staying just one night with SD especially since my DD had just been in the hospital two weeks prior for an emergency appendectomy.
You are wrong.
Seriously? She has some one
Seriously? She has some one there at least five days a week. He sleeps constantly. When I was there, he woke up once in two hours. What is the difference between DH being there during the day versus at night? She's asleep either way!
We are an hour and a half from the hospital, and we live in a rural area. It would take him at least 2 and a half hours to get to where I'm supposed to deliver. We have no family and friends here. DH and I met when he moved to CA after his divorce, and he moved me here because we couldn't afford for him to keep flying his son to him. I'm not a bad person, but I'm so sick of every one thinking that BM's a saint and my DH should be grateful to her. Even he acts like she's the ideal mother.
I just want to deliver my child with my husband.
She sounds like a saint
She sounds like a saint actually, taking care of her sick kid without any support from the father.
She does take child support.
She does take child support. She didn't for the first two years after their divorce so he could get on his feet. She gets it now, even though she doesn't need it and we are struggling. DH can't even cover half the bills but he still acts like she's fabulous because she doesn't ask for as much as she could. She still gets a ton of money. My DH is a paralegal, and she and her BF make tons. She still filed for CS.
Much less TWO kids when he
Much less TWO kids when he can't even afford the one he already has!
^^^^^THIS You chose to lay
^^^^^THIS
You chose to lay down and make a baby with a man:
- Whose other child was born with a serious medical condition AND autism. Ever heard of genetics?
- Who is already a disinterested parent. Think he'll be Superdad with your baby?
- Who can't meet his current basic financial obligations. Better find a second job and daycare; You're going to need it.
If you are an actual person, I suggest you stop focusing on BM and instead examine why you seem to make such poor decisions. And pray...pray a lot that your baby will be born whole & healthy, and that you won't end up a single mom with an ex who can't be assed to support and be present for YOUR child.
YUP, she's a saint. She
YUP, she's a saint. She could have requested CS from day. She's happy to have him pay less than what the state would require.
I didn't NEED CS, but I received it because my son deserved to be support by both of his parents.
You really need to get tossed into a ring with some of the BMs and MILs many of the posters here are stuck with. Those crazy women would have you curled up in a corner, suckling on your thumb, pulling your ear and begging to have your BM back.
Do you work?
" even though she doesn't
" even though she doesn't need it and we are struggling. DH can't even cover half the bills but he still acts like she's fabulous because she doesn't ask for as much as she could. She still gets a ton of money. My DH is a paralegal, and she and her BF make tons. She still filed for CS." [OP]
You are either very very young or one cold hearted self entitled woman. If your family is struggling so and DH can't afford his bills, why the heck are you bringing a child into the world the two of you can't afford?
You're not 'special'. And while a baby may be to you, your baby is not one ounce more 'special' than DH's other child is. You don't think it matters to the little boy laying sick in the hospital if said child wakes up to see his Daddy (or Mommy) sitting there more a different friend or relative?
Every child is entitled to support from their parents. BOTH their parents. It doesn't matter if BM is rolling in cash, that little boy is entitled to his father's support. That support is not the mother's to waive. CS is the laws of your state that says your DH will contribute to the support of his son. Doesn't matter that your DH is a paralegal ...I'm going to assume you knew what your DH was and his income potential when you ran down the aisle squealing "I DO' and decided to have another child. And yes, Dh already had a child. One he has a previous obligation to whether that pleases you or not.
You do realize , right, that that little boy in the hospital is the brother to your soon to be born baby? I truly hope you don't spread this attitude towards DH's son off onto your baby.
So because she works hard to
So because she works hard to earn a living for her sick often hospitalized child the father shouldn't support his child? I could see if your dh had 50/50, but he doesn't
So, OP, should you and your
So, OP, should you and your DH get divorced, than it will be ok for him to not give you child support, since he does not make that much money.
OMG you are totally
OMG you are totally unbelievable. Most deliveries take several hours not less than 2. If you are having contractions call your DH and he can be on his way.
So you would be okay with your DH not being there for your sick kid because someone else can do it, right? Have you ever once sacrificed for a kid or anyone for that matter? You are being totally immature and selfish. Why don't you take a minute and do some of your own research on this kids illness and what it takes to do a marrow transplant. What is the mortality rate of this kids illness? If this were one of my GROWN skids I would have NO problem with DH being at their side even with psycho bitch BM standing right next to him knowing BM would flip, act like she is MOTY, try to get everyone to look at her, hug her, feel sorry for her and most of all try to convince DH that she has changed and now that the skids are grown and out of the house it is time for them to reconcile.
You are WRONG!
You are a bad person. BM is
You are a bad person. BM is a saint.
Many of the BM'S posted about here would have given you and your husband pure hell (to be honest, I think you deserve just that). Instead of being great full that you aren't dealing with a hateful,drama loving BM,you're bitching about a NORMAL who is simply asking dad to help out one night a week.
I hope your inlaws give you pure hell for what you're trying to get your husband to do. Hopefully he will see you for what you really are get the hell away from you. I also hope your in laws are mature enough not to let their feeling for you impact their relationship with your child.
I just want to retire early
I just want to retire early with millions upon millions in my bank account. OP you can want all you wish but that doesn't necessarily make it true or kind.
Ok, so explain to me what is
Ok, so explain to me what is really wrong with my reaction. I'm not saying he can't be there. I'm saying it doesn't make sense for him to be there overnight. Why can't he be there two weeknights for a few hours and the afternoon on Saturday? What makes overnight so special? He still sees his son just as much, and if something happens in the middle of the night, he's here for me. And don't most kids want their mom if they don't feel well in the middle of the night? He needs his mom.
As for the money, we don't have it. DH had a hard run financially with some stupid debt, and we're just getting back on our feet. Yes, he should contribute, but he and BM sat down and came up with a monthly figure that he could afford. I get that she thinks it's nothing, but it means we never have the kind of extras she has. I don't think she even thinks he'll be able to pay half of DSS's bills. She just wants us to know that once again she's the better parent. DH still acts like she can do no wrong.
I like DSS. I feel bad for him, but DH has to take care of us, too. I never had any idea how bad this was. He acted like it was no big deal and BM had it under control when we met. When we moved, suddenly everything is a crisis. That's fine, but how do we piece our lives together? When does his new family get a chance to be important?
Guess what? She's isn't
Guess what? She's isn't acting like the better parent, she IS the better parent.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!
Let me reframe what you said,
Let me reframe what you said, see if you get why we're coming down on your reaction:
I'm not saying DH can't be with you. I'm saying it doesn't make sense for him to be there overnight 7 nights a week. Why can't he be with you the majority of the time including all but one overnight? What makes overnight so special? He still sees you just as much, and he gets to somewhat meet his obligations as a parent by being there for his son. And isn't mom with her child the other six nights? He needs his dad.
Here's the thing. You're acting like a spoiled child. And you're a fucking grown up. ACT LIKE IT.
That is how you visit
That is how you visit extremely ill loved ones (mom/dad/sister/brother/niece/nephew) NOT YOUR CHILD. If it is YOUR CHILD you would want to be there 100% of the time. The BM needs to be able to go home, shower, nap, etc. You DO NOT sleep well in hospitals. I was up 90% of the time when DD and SD were in the hospital. The BM needs a day to reprieve and be herself not mom/nurse/caterer. In a sense you are being our definition of the psycho BM here.
Fine. I guess I'm wrong, but
Fine. I guess I'm wrong, but i still think this should have been handled differently. Why didn't he talk to me before he talked to her? It's like some one said that she's like his mom. He basically asks her permission and seeks her approval for everything. I know she thinks he's not a good father because he had some low years, but he doesn't see that. His whole stupid family thinks she's the best, and DSS is always going to be the favorite grandchild. Meanwhile I'm alone while he's with them, and I can't even go most days because he leaves before I get off of work.
I can't even comment on the pregnancy stuff. I am pregnant and it's too late to fix that. I can't get a do over right now.
Seems like there are a lot of
Seems like there are a lot of other things, wrapped up with this one thing.
Those things need to be dealt with; him not talking things over with you, seeking BM's permission and approval and whatever else, but there's no getting around the fact that his son is very ill and your DH wants to be there for him.
You are absolutely right, he
You are absolutely right, he should always consult you before making firm plans unless it is an emergency. You won't get any disagreement here for that. Perhaps you could let him know that, that is what is really bothering you. You understand that he needs to be there for his son, but if he is making plans he has to talk them through with you first. That is what considerate partners do. It doesn't mean you will always get your way but it means that the two of you should aim to work towards a compromise.
It also sounds like you don't feel your position is respected by him or his family. I would work on him first. And say that you understand he has respect for his ex, but that sometimes you feel that you are regarded as less when he esteems his ex so much. If there is anything in particular that he says or does that bothers you, let him know and think of an alternative that you would find more acceptable.
It sounds like you are feeling stressed and insecure whether that is real or if it is pregnancy hormones. If you let your husband know that and ask him to help you feel more secure and relaxed, if he is a decent partner he will try to help you. Don't let these feelings of resentment grow without addressing them together and working together at them.
Perhaps he's starting to see
Perhaps he's starting to see you for the selfish person that you are. If that is the case, he already knew talking to you first would result in you trying to get him to make a stupid choice.
I can see why your inlaws think highly of BM. They know darn well she could have cleaned your husband's clock. The fact that she hasn't done that, speaks volumes.
This is truly awful. This
This is truly awful. This isn't just some strange kid of the street. This is his critically ill child. If my child was that sick?
#1 I'd have a hard time even WANTING to have another child.
#2 I'd spend every possible moment with my stock child. I'd drop everything to ensure it.
#3 I'm sure if you call dh and let him know you are going into labor he'll meet you at the hospital. Labor from when the first contraction hits to when the baby is delivered takes several hours... especially on the first Baby.
This is truly awful. This
This is truly awful. This isn't just some strange kid of the street. This is his critically ill child. If my child was that sick?
#1 I'd have a hard time even WANTING to have another child.
#2 I'd spend every possible moment with my stock child. I'd drop everything to ensure it.
#3 I'm sure if you call dh and let him know you are going into labor he'll meet you at the hospital. Labor from when the first contraction hits to when the baby is delivered takes several hours... especially on the first Baby.
H*A*R*M*O*N*E*S And the
H*A*R*M*O*N*E*S
And the sooner you realize that YOU are the only one as excited about your pregnancy (and miserable & ready for it to be over) at this point, the better.
Since you are not currently giving birth, you H doesn't have to be with you at night I don't think. I know you want him there. I had a TERRIBLE time with my H and my pregnancy so maybe I am still bitter LOL.
Yeah, I think if BS8 was this
Yeah, I think if BS8 was this sick, me and ex would be arguing over who got to stay, not who didn't! It is hard with a long term sick child, but both parents should at least be offering to share the load - like one stays the first half of the week, the other the second half. If he lives far away that would be a way to save money on gas. I know when I was pregnant, I quite enjoyed the whole bed to myself to sprawl!
Wow what golden fucking
Wow what golden fucking uterus you are and your kid isn't even born yet.
I think its natural to have a
I think its natural to have a sense of entitlement to your DH and want him to yourself , especially in the condition that you are with only a few weeks of pregnancy left, however this is just one of the perils that we accept by dating and marrying a man with kids. I'm sure all of us have had many situations where plans or days were interrupted because of a kid issue. Its just something that you have to accept with kids. Serious issues like an illness are going to come up and whether you like it or not, the kids will have to come first in those situations. I am a strong component for putting a SO first but this situation is a bit different and if it were not, then we could talk...but it's a lot more serious than him choosing his kid over you to go to a baseball game for instance.
I totally get that you are vulnerable and want him there with you, but it is just not realistic in this sense. I wonder if maybe you are just upset at the situation and not DH? I think its totally acceptable to be upset over what is happening and that it is interfering with the time that you should be happy and anxiously anticipating the new arrival, but whats not acceptable is to try to keep your DH from seeing his child in this critical situation. If he wants to spend 1 night a week with his kid, I don't think thats unreasonable considering he is home with you the other 6 nights. He could be there a lot more, so it sounds like he is making you and the baby a priority, despite what may happen with his bio.
Your SS will not be in the hospital forever (at least everyone hopes not) and your DH will have plenty of time for you and your new little one and eventually maybe things will go back to your EOWE arrangement, but for now, I would implore you to be a bit more lenient and understanding and try to put yourself in their own shoes.
I have a flood of emotions
I have a flood of emotions and thoughts right now and I'm sure most of my comments have already been said (but there was way too much to read through).
First and foremost, I think it is 100% unreasonable to deny your DH ANY time with his child, especially given the circumstances. This child may live to be 100 (however that's unlikely), but he could also die tomorrow. What he's going through is scary and horrible and my heart ache's for this poor child having to experience that pain. He NEEDS BOTH PARENTS' support through this, and frankly your support would be nice to. You married your DH knowing full well what you were getting into. Whether you knew the full details of his sickness is irrelevant. You knew he had a child and when you chose to be with him, you got him and his child and had to accept the fact that BM was going to be a part of that equation too (Not many of us SM's like their BM's but we have to deal with them, it's part of the deal). If you truly love your husband, then you have to support him 100% through this and it is unacceptable for you to make him choose between you/his unborn child and his sick child. I agree that he needs to have balance, but 1 day a week is not balance. If this was my SS, my DH would be by his side every step of the way and I would be right there, standing next to him, pregnant or not. Like many others said, children come first. I'm sure he wants to be there for the birth of his new child, and support you through it. But that doesn't mean that his other child should take the back burner. He's capable of caring for and supporting both children and you...and he should.
You have to try to put yourself in BM's shoes and think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. I have a feeling you would find it unacceptable for your ex to be absent in such a trying time for your child.
As for the BM - maybe there's more to this story than we realize, but from what you've told us so far she's doing what she's supposed to do as a mother. I would give anything for my SS's BM to give 1/10 of that support to him. You say that she's the CP and that your order doesn't say DH has to pay half of the medical bills, you also say that she makes a lot of money and doesn't need DH's financial support. BUT, if she's the one who's been footing the bill for medical bills (of which sound to me like they've been pretty extensive for years) isn't it safe to assume she doesn't have as much available cash as you think. Medical bills are insane and can eat up money crazy fast! If your DH can't afford to pay half, then they need to sit down and figure out what he can contribute. After all, it's his child too. Also on the money front, the amount her bf makes is totally irrelevant. It's not his responsibility to pay for that child, it's BM's and DH's.
Now I'm not saying that your DH should abandon you and make you do everything by yourself, but you have to remember that you're not the only piece in the puzzle. Dig deep and find the strength to get through this, because if you want to have a happy marriage you HAVE to start being more supportive of your DH's decisions. Yes, he should consult you about some of these things, but whether or not he stays the night to be there for his child, is NOT one of those things. You should have been the one to suggest it and maybe even suggest more days. I'll say it over and over again...this is a CHILD, an innocent helpless child.
As for the comment about children needing their mothers when they're hurt...NOT true. While it is assumed that moms give the better hugs, that's not necessarily all they need. When my SS gets hurt while at BM's the first thing he wants to do is call DH and tell him about it. He needs that confirmation that daddy cares and daddy is there for him. Dad's are big and strong and they are heroes in the eyes of A LOT of kids. Having your DH's support could be that overflowing amount that he needs to pull through this.
This is a time when both parents and all parties involved should be pulling together to stand as one. Putting aside any animosity they have towards each other and putting the child's needs first. BM gets this, DH's is on his way (although I think he needs to step it up and isn't innocent in all of this), now its your turn.
Yes you're being unreasonable
Yes you're being unreasonable but I don't think you're a horrible person. It is normal to go through a mourning period when you realize that the pregnancy/birth experience is not going to be what you had in mind. So take a deep breath, feel your feelings, cry about the fact that it sucks and then move past it.
Really the only way your request would make any sense would be if you had complications that required your DH to be with you. Since you said elsewhere that you're still working though I don't think that's the case.
Just make sure that if in the unlikely event you do go into labour while your DH is with his son he is able to leave right away to come be with you. Yes people give birth everyday but in the case that a decision needs to be made and you're incapacitated you will need your DH there. That means that he will need to call BM to tell her he's leaving, but that he doesn't necessarily wait for her to get to the hospital.
I hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and your birth!
One question: how old are you
One question: how old are you and how old is DH?
Also I hope being a mom soon allows you to feel for someone else's kid..
I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I
I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I think you're out of your mind...maybe it's hormones but given that you and I are on similar paths at the moment I think it's just you. Not to be a complete bitch but as a future mother, you should understand that he needs to be with his son. I'm sure if you went into labor right now and your baby had to stay in the hospital YOU would be up in the NICU any minute you could be AND you would want the father of your child to also be there. Your feelings aren't superior to hers, your baby is no more special than hers. Your kid is not here yet so let him be there for his other kid. I don't understand you, actually. You knew what his sons medical situation was beforehand, you knew what kind of relationship your DH and his Ex have and have to maintain for their son; if you weren't okay with it then why did you get pregnant? Why did you even start dating him. You have a serious case of the Golden Uterus and I feel bad for your kids future stepmom...
Are you still working? Is the
Are you still working? Is the issue with him spending a night or few nights mean you will not see him during the day?
First...you say you both are
First...you say you both are broke? Why the hell did your DH get you pregnant when he can't afford the child he already has.
Second....you are an award winning selfish person. Doubt your going to make a good mom.
Third....your BM is a fantastic mother!!!!! She is a rock star doing a rock star of a job.
Fourth....her income is none of your business. Grow up.
*
*
So, were are we on this one?
So, were are we on this one? Has the OP been lynched yet? Is the DH a dirtbag or a saint? Has BM been canonized?
This is one tragic situation and I for one hope that the ill child gets all the help he can get and time with both parents. Hopefully he will have a long and happy life and be a great elder bro to his STB younger half sib who hopefully will be raised with equal time with it's father too.
Has anyone put out a hit on the OP?
too many comments. people
too many comments. people are totally beating up on you for being honest in your feelings. your feelings are normal. you want a NORMAL family and your dh to be in tune with you and your baby. but, he's focused on his ex wife and kid from that marriage, which means YOUR marriage is getting shafted. I get it. but you have to realize that this isn't a normal situation and hasn't been since the day you hooked up with this man. you are going to have to share your dh until you can't take it anymore and divorce him or something happens to his child. people go into marriage with certain ideas of how it's going to go. no, you didn't know how all-encompassing his child's illness was going to be, but now you do. these people beating up on you is TERRIBLE. you were simply naïve. good luck to you.
Hormones? Three weeks ago I
Hormones? Three weeks ago I wished I'd have been a praying mantis so I would've just bitten my SO's head off afterwards. I raged at him a lot because I had a difficult pregnancy, he wasn't as excited as I was, he bailed on me numerous times during the week to go hang out with his friends - leaving me alone with our adorable but rammy 1yr old, he didn't help make anything easier on me and seemed to take my pregnancy as an excuse to bring his brat around more often. I think those hormones that made me wish SO would just disappear are working on you at this late stage and I get it. Is this your first child? After you have this sweet little bundle and you can't imagine leaving them alone in their own crib let alone being in a hospital and chronically sick, I think you'll see why it's not a reasonable argument... He should be there...you'd want that for your own.
What's normal about having
What's normal about having negative feelings/views about a BM who has been kind enough not to take your husband to cleaners? A woman who has done all of the foot work and covered all of the financial burden associated with this child's illness.
If the OP's feelings are normal, then every bat shit crazy BM posted about here also have normal/valid feelings.
what's normal is wanting your
what's normal is wanting your dh for yourself and your family. a lot of women don't take into consideration that some men already have obligations in place when they meet them (and unfortunately for op, an ill one). this has nothing to do with bm, it's regarding op's resentment of dh's commitments (no where did I say that bm should carry the entire burden). and i'm sorry, feelings ARE valid.
Cool Then all the
Cool
Then all the bratty,entitled....SKs who want their dads to themselves are also having very normal/valid feelings.
OP, if you're still reading:
OP, if you're still reading: you're just as likely to go into labor during the day as you are at night, right? And during the day, if he was with his son, it'd still take hours for him to get home and get you to a hospital, right? So why the ban on overnights?
I don't understand why she
I don't understand why she just doesn't schedule her delivery to be at the hospital the SS is in. Is that even possible? If so, wouldn't that fix a lot of stuff?
I have a sneaking suspicion that even if her DH was there 100% and fawned over her and ignored his ill child, she would STILL hate BM. For what? Because she made her life into a better one and dumped the albatross that the OP now has hanging around HER neck.
I think it's very possible
I think it's very possible that dad has severe problems that make him unable to consistently handle normal life responsibilities.
It's very telling that he had a few "down years" doing what addiction? alchohol ism? Or maybe just plain extreme laziness. Probably BM left him because of his severe problems. Then she generously let him off the hook financially. Probably cause she carried the wight their whole marriage.
Then it's also very telling that the father doesn't tell his new wife the severity of his sons illness. He hooks her in, they get pregnant. My guess is all the while he pretended to have an over all healthy child with some mild health condition to manage. just minor little health problems that are not life threatening and don't interfere with anything.
I would bet the father in this case is a colpmetely useless man and it's only a matter of time before he has a few more "down years" and fails his new wife and new child.
Strengthh, You have a very
Strengthh,
You have a very good point.
On the other had the story may go like this.
BM may be a doctor or lawyer. Her ex may have a low income labor career. His down time might be an injury on job. No one knows the whole history. Many women with high paying career are good about marrying men with low income careers. Later, they wonder why they have issues over income.
If I am correct, I think OP said the drive is 2 1/2 hours one way to hospital. I think he would have to take off work or see his son on his days off.
BM is not a single mom. She is remarried. She is blessed to have remarried a man that can support her taking a leave for work. I am NOT taking sides. This is just fact. It is what it is.
"BM is not a single mom. She
"BM is not a single mom. She is remarried. She is blessed to have remarried a man that can support her taking a leave for work. I am NOT taking sides. This is just fact. It is what it is."
Actually she is not married and it doesn't sound as if her boyfriend needs to 'support' (financially) her.
" She has her phd, and she makes money in private practice on top of her regular job. And her bf makes even more money than she does."
But you two seem to have just taken some assumptions and ran with creating your own stories *shrugs*
She also said her DH is a
She also said her DH is a paralegal I believe. Not a whole lot of "on the job" injuries there. Also not really a "fluctuating income" field. It's possible he got laid off, of course - but she said down YEARS. That's a hell of a long time to be unemployed, unless you can find someone to support you while you cherry pick opportunities.
And pp is right - BM has a BF, not a DH. Even if she WAS remarried though, what does that have to do with the price of tea in china? That affects the father's OBLIGATION TO HIS CHILD not one little bit.
Money is SO not the issue here. The issue is time. Dad needs to be spending at least one overnight in the hospital with his kid. I don't care if Mom is Mother Fucking Theresa and can be there 24/7 because she has the entire Catholic Church as backup. I don't care if she's actually Bill Gates experimenting with identifying as female and can afford to BUY the damn hospital. Nothing about the mother erases or even mitigates the father's moral obligation to his child.
OP asked if asking Dad to skip all overnights was unreasonable. YES. It is both unreasonable and insanely selfish. Nothing else in her entire post was relevant. Certainly not money. WHY do you keep coming back to the money?!?!?
The main fact of the
The main fact of the situation is this - there is a critically ill child who needs both parents. The concepts of "what's fair" and "what's right" and "but I'm pregnant" go right out of the window. This child, unfair as it may seem to you, should absolutely be considered in all decision-making because he needs his father, and not only when you "allow" his father to be there. This is what marriage is about, baby girl, making compromises, sacrificing and making decisions for the better good of the family. At this point in time, your family includes BM and her ill child. I don't have a lot of hope for your marriage if you don't figure this out soon, because eventually your husband will realize where your priorities lie and they aren't with him, for all your protestations. If he figures this out and doesn't care, then I say you deserve each other and feel sorry for all the children involved. (If I were a betting woman I'd say your husband sounds like the first variety. Sorry.)
One more thing: BM's financial situation is absolutely none of your business. None.
Grow up.
My stepson suffered a
My stepson suffered a complication after finally engrafting and passed away. Due to the damage done to his liver after years of transfusions, he developed Veno Occlusive Disease, and after multiple organs were effected, he hung for a while but then died. I was wrong. I've never seen some one in so much pain, and his mother sat with him through all of it. He clung to her, and he vented all of his anger to her. She was a rock. I did hear you guys and my DH was there almost every night after I posted. He didn't even get to go on his Make a Wish trip. He wanted to see a volcano in Hawaii and lay on the beach and "relax". He was in so much pain, and nothing touched it. I wish I could kill the person who posted this.
"I wish I could kill the
"I wish I could kill the person who posted this." i think you already have.
everyone is going to feel like they wish they could have done more. that's normal. but he had both his parents at his side through it all. he's no longer suffering.
so very sorry for the loss of such a young, innocent child.
Urbanheirloom, I am so so
Urbanheirloom, I am so so sorry about your stepson. I can't even imagine what he went through and what his loved ones are going through now. I can hear the sorrow and regret in your words. I'm so sorry.
Maybe when you're ready you can tell us about your new baby who must be a few months old by now. Take care sweetie.
I am so, so sorry for what
I am so, so sorry for what your family, your DH, the BM had to go through and for your SS whose life was cut so short.
The only words of comfort I can offer are these: Try to be content that, even if you were opposed to it at the time, felt it was unfair, that you did the right thing, that your DH did the right thing at the right time, and that it wasn't too late like so many other stories end. Remember, we cannot know the future, and to live every day like the next is the last means that you won't every be able to take care of the other priorities in your life, so I knew where you were coming from.
And, in hindsight, you always wish you could have done more or could have done things differently. My grandmother, who I loved so incredibly much, was in the hospital to take out a kidney that had cancerous tumors on it. I alternated overnights with my mother (my sister was still too young to drive), cleaned her diapers, rolled her over for bedsores, spoke with the doctors and did translations for her, fed her when she didn't want to eat, talked to her and tried to reassure her she was going to be okay--I did all of that and what kills me is that the night before she passed away, I had to leave for a final (second year of college) the next day when she didn't want me to go (we had brought her home), and I told her, "Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow after my test to see you." I did see her, but it was too late. I got the voicemail from my mom after I got out of the test that afternoon. You think that maybe you should have skipped it, that you didn't know the gravity of the situation, and you would give anything to go back in time and change those moments you were frustrated, or were glad to be handing your shift off to someone else.
It took me a long time to reconcile it with what I had told you above, because we truly can't know the future, and we do as much as we can juggling the things we have to do with the knowledge we have at the time. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it was the right choice to make at the time, sometimes it isn't.
DH still is reconciling the fact that when his father was in the hospital, he left a two days before his dad was discharged on vacation with his GF at that time, and on the day of discharge, as his father was walking OUT of the hospital, suffered a massive heart attack and died. So last year, even though we had a trip (business related) planned and he was going to go, when his mom fell ill and went to the hospital, I made the decision to stay, and after, he thanked me because even though his mom was fine, if something that happened, he would have been devastated. But unless you've been through it once, you don't really think about it or know that's a possibility.
The Chinese have very rigid death rituals--every seven days for the first seven months is ritualized until the entombment of the ashes, and for three years we do not host parties in our homes to show our respect. We pin a little black on our clothes for the first month, burn offerings that we fold as a family together for every one of their rituals because we believe sending regular gifts to the afterlife show our appreciation and how much we miss them--and my mother told me, these things are for the living, not for the dead. Because we always wish we could have done more, having these rituals allow us to reconcile that because we feel like we're doing something for them after death. On birthdays, new years, and other holidays, we invite their spirits and place a meal in front of what's called a kamiza (spirit house) which is an alter and shrine each family has for their deceased. I hope you and your family find some sort of comfort and ritual that can help ease this transition.
I'm so very sorry, for all of
I'm so very sorry, for all of you. I can't imagine what you guys are going through, but my thoughts are with you.
I am so deeply sorry for the
I am so deeply sorry for the loss suffered. My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.
So very sorry. My prayers to
So very sorry. My prayers to the whole family. Life is so unfair at times. Be there to comfort each other. Don't blame yourself. You are only human. His parents were there, he knew it. God Bless him