SD and puberty... what to do?
OK, dh is killing me with this. I told him I will not speak to sd about how to insert a tampon or help her when it comes to get getting her period, if she's at our house. Now we have a long time before this happens (I think). She hasn't begun growing arm pit hair or anything like that yet. But I think this help should come from dh, mostly because he is her father. But he is taking about how I'm a woman and have to help dds when the time comes, so I have to help sd as well.
Here is where the question is: if I am home and sd is here, and dh isn't for whatever reason, should I hand her the phone and have her call her mother? Should I just give in and help? I realize that this is a delicate subject.
As a mother I can understand this being a touchy subject. I just hope that my kids are at home so that I can help them. I am sure bm is going the same.
I handed my SD 11 a box of
I handed my SD 11 a box of pads and told her to change them once every hour or so. DH called the BM to make sure she had "the talk" with her. She had, so I didn't have to step in.....thank goodness! I'm sure if she hadn't, I would have been accused of "overstepping" Good luck!
Personally, I would make sure
Personally, I would make sure you have some pads around and not just tampons. It would be pretty low to not help the poor girl out with a first period if it comes to that. It's really easy to tell her to go get a pair of underwear and show her how to stick a pad on - I personally wouldn't get into tampons with someone else's kid. I would have rather died than have had to ask my dad for help with sanitary products when I started my period. And BM might not be available either.
Thankfully I do keep pads in
Thankfully I do keep pads in our spare bathroom as my oldest is close to beginning something, she has been growing arm pit hair for a few years... I had to tell her to go shave her jungle lol! add for down there? Thankfully I don't know if she's been growing hair there yet.
i dunno. i hate my SD14 but
i dunno.
i hate my SD14 but back when we suspected she might be getting close to having her period, i always assumed her mother would tell her that if it happened at our house that she could probably talk to me if she didnt want to tell her dad.
i dont see what hte big deal is with having some pads available in the event she needs one. inserting a tampon is best taught by her mother. my SD14 uses only pads.
My SD is 11 and last year I
My SD is 11 and last year I bought her a book about "Her Body". It talks about all sorts of things. Several months later she asked me about starting her period and she has asked me a few questions since then. I bought her pads to keep in the bathroom for when the day happened so that we aren't rushing to the store.
In my case, I don't have a problem doing it. My SD's mom is a loser and DH isn't comfortable with it. I also took SD to buy her first Bra and I'll probably be the one that takes her for BC when the time comes.
I would forget about tampons for a girl so young. If it happens and you are the only one at home with her, you probably will have to show her what to do if no one else has. Unless you want her to sit in bloody underwear until DH comes home.
I would have at least some
I would have at least some pads ready in the home in case it happens. You can show her how to put a pad on if you want, or you can show her the diagram on the package and leave her to it instructing her how often she should change it and how to dispose of it. She doesn't need to put a tampon in the first time her period starts. If she wants to wear a tampon she can read the instructions or ask her mom or friends. I remember learning from the instructions, I didn't have my mom show me how to put a tampon in. If she is a late developer, chances are she will have learned a fair amount from her friends by then anyway.
You might consider discussing
You might consider discussing with Dad about getting the Mavis Jukes books for girls. "Growing Up It's A Girl Thing: Straight Talk About First Bras, First Periods And Your Changing Body. It might be something for all the girls in your home.
I would think pads would be the easiest route to take at first. The girl may not want to use and/or like tampons. I do think and should briefly discuss with BM whether or not BM is taking care of this subject and preparing her daughter.
Ive not heard of that book,
Ive not heard of that book, thanks! I have had the puberty talk with the dds and sd has heard about puberty from her mother, but I don't know if she knows how to work either a pad (which I figured is simple to figure out, but you never know, it would be awful if she put out on upside down (as in sticky side on skin).
Ive not heard of that book,
Ive not heard of that book, thanks! I have had the puberty talk with the dds and sd has heard about puberty from her mother, but I don't know if she knows how to work either a pad (which I figured is simple to figure out, but you never know, it would be awful if she put out on upside down (as in sticky side on skin).
Right, I wish I knew more
Right, I wish I knew more about having a period before mine came. The only thing I knew was how to put a pad on... not that there was such things as tampons, not about the cravings for salt or chocolate. Not the severe cramps and mood swings. Not the oh crap, I leaked of the pad and now I have a brought red stain! I talked to my kids about it. I wish my mom was more like me as a parent. She was such a prude, she made me so mortified about my body, I was terrified about changing in front of all the girls in gym class! Not too mention I was so humiliated when it came to talking about pads or tampons, to this day I still find myself whisperingt those words occasionally when in the privacy of my own home talking to my husband or kids... I have to consciously tell myself to not whisper it.
Right? Having an intact
Right? Having an intact family I spent really have anyone to talk to about it, and that sucked
Right? Having an intact
Right? Having an intact family I spent really have anyone to talk to about it, and that sucked
O.o really? Wow
O.o really? Wow
I could definitely see sd
I could definitely see sd chucking them where ever she pleases... and as we have dogs, this would be a big deal... thank you for mentioning that part... we may need to upgrade the trash can in that bathroom... I would absolutely vomit if I caught the dog chewing on a used pad/tampon
I had my first period while
I had my first period while with all my friends at a sleep over. There were 6 of us, 2 already had theirs and 3 had not. I just spoke with my friend, who got me a pad, and I used it. Later I went home and let my mom know. She gave me a shoe box of supplies she had for me. I had the lessons at school, and at 12, I was capable of reading instructions and figuring it out! I immediately switched to tampons, no instruction, other than those in the box provided!
I forget what we were
I forget what we were originally discussing,and we approached a scenario of if dd11 (stb 12) was home with him for whatever reason how would he handle the situation if she started if I was not home. He said he would just send her to the bathroom and wait for me... so the very next day I went over how to use either products with her (in case she is out with friends and all they have is tampons I want her to be able to use what ever is available if the situation arises). but since he told me that about dd,I asked him what his intentions were for sd, just to covert my bases. He told me that since I'm a woman and have to go through this with dds that I would be the one to go through it with sd if she was here when it happened... so he expects me to be the one to assist her with her period... not just have the birds and the bees talk, but help her out with taking care of her period... all I can imagine is her coming out wroth period blood on her undies needing me to get it out for her. I mean, I can't really blame her, but imo,that is a mommy or daddy job... not me... when she played with a razor in the bathroom and cut her finger she needed help, she wrapped her finger in a white hand towel. she was totally freaking out saying there was soooo much blood. There was maybe a teaspoon -tablespoon amount of blood, I can only imagine how she will freak out when she is having her period. I'm sure she is going to need assistance.
With all the bathroom and
With all the bathroom and hygiene issues we read about on StepTalk, I'd prep with some pads to be available. Let her know she can talk to you about girl stuff. I like the idea of the book above. I'd of died if I had to talk to my Dad about that and we've always been close. Let her call BM if it happens at your house.
My daughter was supposed to
My daughter was supposed to start sex Ed for the first time in January of fifth grade. The first girl to get her period in school in her grade got it in October, of fifth grade. The girl that got her period was crying and my daughter and several other girls went to comfort her, and it turned into this whole big drama filled disaster. That is how my daughter first learned about periods. Also, kids are exposed to a lot, but the misinformation they share with each is surprising . They get things all mixed up.
But that is for a mother to worry about.
Talking about drama filed
Talking about drama filed disasters and school sex ed in fifth grade...
I remember learning about getting my period at school from the school nurse giving sex ed..I was so excited to get mine, my mom was very prude and never discussed it with me, so this was the first time, and they gave us some pads and stuff, so for like a few days I practiced putting them in my underwear. I just remember being so excited about it. anyway, when I found out they were going to be bringing it up in 3rd grade to my kids' school, I took the liberty of talking to my kids weeks in advance. They were slightly embarrassed, but were interested in learning so I went on. Well, when my oldest came home from the talk that the school had, she was hysterically crying talking about how it all sounded so horrible. The next year when my youngest went to learn about it,she also came home in tears... i couldn't figure out what was so different about how the school gave their presentation... but it took them weeks to get over it. I am just glad they finally are accepting of what is going on In their bodies. I think they thought they were going to end up looking like a werewolf or something... lol
Given that you have several
Given that you have several girls of similar ages in the home regularly, this is, IMO, an issue that should be dealt with kindly for all. Sure, ideally, Mom & Dad have laid the groundwork, but the moment may come when neither of them are immediately available. To make a young woman wait, soaked in blood (and we all know that first time rarely makes its appearance meekly), until one of them is available, is insensitive at best. A girl should know that she can approach any adult - but especially a woman - in such a circumstance.
Just show her the pads and
Just show her the pads and then let her mother explain everything to her. Not that big of deal.
This is why I have a problem
This is why I have a problem here. Some people tell me one thing, others tell me another.
I do have pads in the bathroom, and I do have tampons on hand. So I'm ready for which ever she prefers. This isn't a pressing issue right now, so I don't need answers right away or she'll be blood soaked in the bathroom. I'm just hoping that dh wouldn't really leave any child in the bathroom worrying for me to come home. And I'm also going that sd is with her mother. Not so much because I don't want to deal with it, but because I know that no matter how much I talk to my daughters about it they will need a mother's nurturing love because the first time IS scary. I can try to comfort sd (as I have in other situations before, as dh is not very good at that), but it won't be the same as her mother. I also hope to god I'm home when my kids start, after hearing how dh says he will handle the situation. I don't want them to feel ashamed about it.
Well you are on a public
Well you are on a public forum with lots of different opinions, so of course you are going to get different views on what should be done. But I wouldnt make any decisions based off of what a bunch of strangers say on the internet.
Treat your SD how you would WANT your own DDs treated if the roles were reversed.
Would you want one of them to start their period and being possibly embarrassed, shocked, scared, etc and someone ignore them? Or would you want whoever the adult is in the house or with them, say hey looks like you started your period. Heres the pads. Go ahead and put one on, put clean undies on, wash your hands and when your dad get here he can explain more to you or you can talk call your mom.
Simple.
Because I want to extend a
Because I want to extend a hand of help, but at the same time i am trying to disengage. I can understand where the decent thing to do is to help, but I also feel as though dh is always shrugging off his parental duties.
I would hate for my kids to be put in this situation. And I do care for sd, so I don't want to screw her up emotionally. But where is the difference in this and dh making me wipe her butt until she was 8? At what point is it above being disengaged and just being a decent human being?
This is where I get confused. I don't know if this answers your question.
I really would just want to take a few cheap dollar store pads and a few of her undies and have her practice with assistance and if she wants to just play with a whole package of pads,is buy her some for her room. But at what point am I no longer disengaged? I'm trying to keep from talking to dh about it so he doesn't get the wrong impression. I'm not not caring (because I do care about him and sd),but I'm trying to help them build #1 a stronger relationship, and I'm trying to keep myself from having another anxiety attack because I tend to take on all patrenting roles of all 3 children (yes 2 of them are mine, but it is more difficult to add on "just one more") and all the housework, as well as take care of the wife role (of course).
ETA: this was supposed to be in reply to tommar, sorry
I think you are becoming way
I think you are becoming way too fixated on the word "disengage". In this situation you do what needs to be done. Just as with dtzy - she is disengaged, but if DH is away she does not allow her SS to starve or put himself in danger.
I would suggest reading posts and understanding how people disengage yet also provide for basic needs of their skids. And recognize it is not a concrete situation. People disengage to cope and regain sanity, if you are so fixated on what is disengaging versus what is not, I would argue you are not helping yourself at all.
Good luck
Very well said Tommar!
Very well said Tommar!
my stepdaughter got her
my stepdaughter got her period really early at 10 and she needed a bra at 9. She asked me to get her a bra and i explained that I'm so happy she trusts me with something so big but that's something special with a mom and a duaghter so i asked her to ask her mom about it. She also came to me when she got her first period and I had her call her mom right away even though she didn't want to. I think there are things that a mom and daughter should share, not the dad or the stepmom. And I'm not even a mom saying that!
Wow, I hadn't thought about
Wow, I hadn't thought about the fact she may want to display it to dh, that's pretty gross. I guess since my parents aren't divorced I don't think like that.
It seems like majority vote is to help sd, and that would be my first instinct. Maybe it will keep skid period pays to a minimum if I follow this advice given to me.
Thanks guys.
Wow, I hadn't thought about
Wow, I hadn't thought about the fact she may want to display it to dh, that's pretty gross. I guess since my parents aren't divorced I don't think like that.
It seems like majority vote is to help sd, and that would be my first instinct. Maybe it will keep skid period pays to a minimum if I follow this advice given to me.
Thanks guys.
I thought it was just my SD.
I thought it was just my SD. When she got her first period she talked endlessly to my H about it, I thought maybe it's a big deal cause it's the first period. Now she does it every month. Talks all the time to my H about it, it's wierd. Uggghhh, it's really disgusting.
*lol* You guys have reminded
I understand it being a big
I understand it being a big deal, and maybe dh should know, so that he can keep pads,or other appropriate hygiene product at the house. But perhaps sd should have called wroth the news, unless she was shy/ashamed of it. I know I was when it finally happened. A phone call, so what they could discuss it? Nah, a text would have sufficed. Bm goes over board here with the "heads up" phone calls, it's annoying texts spell out for heads up notifications.
"Hey sd got her period, just a heads up,might wanna get some pads" Why does that require a phone call? it doesn't plain and simple
Agreed. I didn't make a big
Agreed. I didn't make a big deal of it, but I really thought it was weird! And no, it wasn't so DH could run out and buy pads, it was more like "I have big news! Your little girl is now a woman!"
When he got off the phone with her and told me about the conversation, I blinked at him a couple times and then started talking about sports.
If anything was weirder than BM making a formal announcement to DH about it, it was DH thinking I wanted to talk about it!
Me too. The phone call from
Me too. The phone call from BM " SD is now a woman" I thought that was wierd. Then SD talking endlessly about her period, I thought that was wierd. Then this happened every month, SD talking at length to H about her period. Wierd wierd
Lol that's my reaction every
Lol that's my reaction every time dh tells me the newest news from bm.
If I was dh, I'd probably ask bm something sarcastic like "should we start looking at formal announcements?" There was this hilarious video, I'll have to find it, where the mother the her daughter a period party... I forget what it's called
Lol its called the first moon
Lol its called the first moon party, I just now realized it was a feminine hygiene commercial of sorts but here is the link if you haven't seen it yet.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NEcZmT0fiNM
This is hilarious! I love
This is hilarious! I love it...and a nice "starter kit" too... but totally funny
I never "had a talk" with my
I never "had a talk" with my oldest SD, but she did start her period with us (husband is custodial) so I figured it would happen.
SD just came to me and said, "do you use pads or tampons? And if just tampons, would you go buy me some pads?"
And that was it with SD.
I told BM,... (this was before I knew how high conflict she was and before my husband went OFW documentation in court) but I went out to the car before the kids walked out and said, "hey BM, OLDER-SD started her period. She asked me to tell you so she wouldn't have to say anything in front of SS and YSD and be embarrassed."
BM sighed- rolled her eyes- and said, "oh Lord. Thanks."
And that was it with BM... (of course later we heard backlash of how dare 'I' be the one to tell her, but if SD asked me to and never spoke of her period to my husband-her father? Oh well, can't win with high conflicts any which way)
Double post
Double post