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Relationship changing with stepdaughter

4ever's picture

Hi. I'm hoping to get some help. I've been a stepmom for 5 years. My stepdaughter and I have always gotten along really good. She's 12. Over the last few months her attitude has changed toward me. I don't know if its puberty or what. She's distant and yesterday she said "you think you're involved in everything but you're not, it's up to me and my mommy and my daddy." This is new! She also took my phone into the bathroom a few days ago. I guess she was spying on me? I don't know what to do! Is this just her age? Have other people had a good relationship turn sour at this age?

4ever's picture

She didn't know that I saw her take my phone. I have it password protected now. My husband did his too. I've pulled back and i'm not doing the "mom" stuff I used to do for her. My husband has stepped in and is doing everything and he agrees it's good for me to take some time off. I hope its the right thing to do. I don't want to make her feel bad. I'm nice to her when i see her but I'm not going out of my way to do things for her like i used to. I don't want to get thrown under the bus!

What is COD?

4ever's picture

Ha! That makes sense. My husband said "you go do what you want to do and let her miss you." I've always handled all the "mom" things when she's here every other week. I have to say that its kind of awesome not doing all that! We don't have any other kids so it's been great taking time for myself.

Also i guess I didn't actually see her take my phone otherwise I would have said something right then. But I know she did it and that freaks me out! I think she wanted to see if my husband and I were texting about her or something which we weren't thank goodness. I'm sure she can feel that I've pulled away these last several weeks.

4ever's picture

Also she wrote in her diary (my husband checks it sometimes) that she hates me, she sometimes hates her dad but loves him alot and that her mom is her favorite person in the world and she loves her mom more than anyone else. This seems like normal stuff for a kid her age. Her hormones are raging! But she's always been so sweet to me and it did make me feel bad to hear that she hates me. Picking her mom over her dad is new too but I guess thats normal at this age? I just don't know where all this came from which is why I think its puberty. Thats what I wanted to ask you all

4ever's picture

Oh wow that's what I've been doing. I felt nervous but my intuition told me its the best thing to do. My husband is getting her to school, helping her with her homework, reminding her to practice piano, setting up her playdates with the other parents etc etc. I used to help him with all that but I haven't lately. So all the basic stuff in her life is fine, it's all being done by her dad not me. I'm cordial but not warm. I'm not planning craft projects or shopping trips with her. I'm not doing her hair or her nails. I'm not making her lunch or bringing home her favorite food. I'm taking care of myself and my husband and my job and it feels good ! I was hoping that i wasn't making a mistake by backing away for awhile.

4ever's picture

Huh. I hadn't really thought about it but her mom did tell my husband that they need to sit down together as a family with their daughter. He prefers to handle stuff via email and so they never did that. It was about her wanting to change schools which ended up being a non issue. But i remember thinking it was weird that the mom said "as a family." Maybe she's putting some pressure on her daughter right now. On top of all the hormones that would be alot!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

My psuedo SD12 was like this at 12. She turns 14 next month and she is out of that phase now. I think its her age. But protect your feelings. Your feelings matter too.

4ever's picture

That's good to know. Their all going through alot at this age. I'm glad your stepdaughter grew out of it. Its weird to think of protecting my feelings from a kid but I do feel that way. I don't want to be thrown under the bus.

QueenBeau's picture

I think what you're doing is right BUT you shouldn't act like you didn't see her take your phone in the bathroom. Your husband should have confronted & punished her for taking someone elses things.

4ever's picture

I agree but i didn't actually catch her red handed. If I did you bet my husband would have talked to her about it! I had my phone with me on the couch while we were watching a movie. Then we got up for pizza and she took my spot. Then she went to the bathroom and I was looking all over for my phone. I thought I'd put it somewhere weird even though I thought it was on the couch with me. The kitchen counter was empty and then when she came out of the bathroom my phone was there on the counter. I knew it wasn't there before! So i'm 99% sure she took it. We just weren't comfortable confronting her without catching her red handed. but my husband is watching her more closely now and he'll talk to her if it happens again. Also now all our stuff is password protected!

I wonder what she was looking for though. What do you think she was up to?

Jsmom's picture

This is when the drama started with my SD. We think between BM and PAS and talking to other kids who are COD, she pushed buttons until she made everyone in the house miserable making it easier to sue us to live with BM. She was a drama queen like no other...12 was when it all started for us. Fast forward 7 years and she is not welcome here.

Nip it in the bud now. Do not tolerate disrespect and disengage completely. DH has to call her out on the disrespect now or he will have a kid that is a mess a few years from now.