You are here

Afraid and confused about the future with my SS

Glassjaw's picture

Hello,

My fiance of 1 year has a 3 year old from a previous relationship. I have developed a deep sense of love for the little guy as has my family and I genuinely and desperatley want to be his dad and not have him resent me.

His BD left him and his mother when he was 1 years old so he doesn't even know what the word dad means but she is momma and I am Tom to him (sometimes he even calls me daddy). His BD had made no effort to visit him since he left and has also made very little effort to contact him besides a text message every 20-30 days asking how things are. His BD never sent any cards for holidays or his sons birthday, or contacted him. His BD sends a small check for expenses for the son but only after my fiance constantly asked him (they were never married and never went through any legal channels for custody or child support etc, he has his BDs last name as well). Most recently his BD finally sent him an easter basket with a letter explaining he had another son with another woman whom he is raising in another state.

I know my fiance desperately wants his BD to be in his life but we're getting married next year and so the question of my role after marriage comes up in my mind. I brought this up with my fiance and it did not go so well. She wants me to be his legal guardian and have the BD retain his full rights but I have a different view, that I am the one loving and teaching my son every day and we have developed an deep affectionate bond and I would like to adopt him.

My fiance says it's fine that he has my last name when we marry (since he has his BDs right now) but she will only allow me to be a guardian. I love both my new son and fiance very much and know how I should respond, that is by just accepting this response from her and moving on. But my heart is telling me I should adopt him because I don't want to just be a step dad to him I want to be his father and help guide and mold him into a grown man. I don't just want to be the male role model, I want to be daddy. I wipe his tears, I teach him, I feed him, change him, and most importantly love him.

I'm worried about my rights as a step dad since there is no legal agreements concerning the child between the BD and my fiance. I'm also worried about the child being confused in a year or two. I'm young and inexperienced and just know to go with my heart which is telling me I have a deep loving bond with this little guy and I want to be his father. I don't want the BD to swoop in and try something though which is a great fear of mine.

Indigo's picture

Slow down. Care for the child as you will. Kindly.

Please do not assume that just because bioDad is not currently in the picture, has not been in the picture and pays no child support that he will not re-enter the picture. He may skitter in and out. For decades. His other family may not work out. His next family with the next girlfriend may be totally "into" family and want to engage every few days much to your peril.

He has a minimum of 50:50 custody.

Regarding you, OP: getting married sometime next year sounds terribly earnest and sincere and vague. As Judge Judy loves to say: "If you don't have a ring AND a date, you're not engaged, you're just dating." (or something like that)

So, overall, you are good to think proactively but don't expect much.

Rags's picture

Just be his dad. That is what I did. My bride and I met when SS-22 was 15mos old and we married a week before he turned 2yo. I was the first person he ever called Daddy. When we first started dating when asked about daddy he would point at the Sperm Idiot's picture on the wall. Like your SS's BioDad, the Sperm Idiot was basically a non entity in my Skid's life. Until the grapevine notified the Sperm Clan that my DW was dating someone the Sperm Clan made no effort to spend time with the Skid. Then Sperm GrandHag forged her idiot son's signature and filed a custody suit against my wife(then GF). That was when our 16+ year CO battle with the shallow and polluted end of my Skid's gene pool began.

Now for the come to Jesus part of this comment. Legally you have no rights and likely never will while your son is a minor. In reality you have every right you choose to take. I did. I registered my son for school, I signed report cards, I put him onto planes, I signed for him at the airport when he came home from Sperm Land visitation, I took him to the doctor and dentist. I was and am his dad. The court could and still can kiss my ass but rather than fight with the courts or the Sperm Clan over adopting I would advise that you not fight that battle unless BioDad is willing to sign away his parental rights.

Everytime we were in court the bottom 10%er morons of the legal profession that seem to gravitate to the family law bench made it clear that I was not a party to the case and had no rights. It was commical to watch the moron in the black robe shit a cat over my checkbook walking out of the picture when they made those rulings. Nope, if I am not a party to the case then you diot moron in the stupid black robe with fisher price wooden hammer don't get to know how much money I make. Get it? If I am not a party to the case, neither is my money. Playing mind games with those idiots was one of my many hobbies during our CO years.

Of course you have to be careful about pushing even the Dipshitiots on the family law bench too far. Ultimately I had to provide whatever information the Judge demanded but I made sure to push them to the verge of stroking out before I provided that information. As for the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan ... they could kiss my ass. Like your son's Sperm Idiot my kid's Sperm Idiot was also a serial breeder with a seemingly never ending stream of womb donors. My Skid is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawn by 3 different baby mamas. My wife like your fiance was commited to SS having a relationship with his Sperm Clan. I commited to supporting that goal too. That made me no less his only REAL dad. Part of my role as dad was protecting his best interests when it came to his Sperm Clan. Your son and your bride will need that support from you too.

Our continuing blended family adventure just had a major milestone moment. A few weeks ago my son, now 22yo, told his mom and I that he was a Rags, always had been a Rags, and wanted me to adopt him. Rather than battle the Sperm Clan over an adoption when SS was a minor we plugged along until the CO expired. Our killer attorney expedited the adoption and we had it done within a week. The SPerm Clan continues to blow a gasket over it.

I suggest that you just be Dad. Do what you need to do to be Dad. Your son will know who his REAL dad is. And eventually he may address the adoption topic. My DW was much like your fiance early in our marriage. If your bride is anything like mine she will invest a ton of emotion into the situation and will eventually arrive at the conclusion that she cannot fix the Sperm Clan and their interface with her son. When she comes to that conclusion is when you and she will finally become a mutually supportive team to parent your son and protect his best interests through the whole blended family adventure.

Whether he has your name or not, you are dad. Be dad. The rest will work itself out if you and your bride are a true equity life partnership and you are an equity parent to your Skid.

Good luck.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Congratulations, Rags! I missed the post where you got all the paperwork pushed through so fast! I just went and read about your "turbo charged" day at the courthouse and I couldn't be happier for you. Salud!