Schooling disputes with my SS BM
I have been very involved with my step kiddos since I moved in to watch them two days out of the week while their papa is working. I have found that their mom contacts me most of the time to talk about various concerns or scheduling needs. I have been pretty compliant simply because I feel that I can provide each Bio Parent a stress free transaction with little to no stress on me.
However, I have been talking to a couple for almost a month about taking the babes to a little homeschooling circle on one of my days (weekly) with them here in town. Their Bio mom just moved back to the area after living in her parents house with them half the time about 30 minutes away. She has made friends with the people that are doing the circle over the past weekend and asked me to take them for a few hours on that day to go to that same circle.
I'm hurt, confused, and I'm not really sure whether I should agree to having them get picked up for a few hours to go or to just walk with them there and do it myself. I have thought about alternating weeks or going together with the BM (though I think that could be confusing for the kids). Any advice out there?
Seriously? You need to stay
Seriously? You need to stay out of the children's educational decisions. Homeschooling circles are totally on the father and mother to discuss and decide.
While I can appreciate you're thinking of your boyfriend's children's relationship with you as their 'Bonus Mom' (per your profile), you're headed for trouble if you begin to think of yourself as the children's actual mother and an equal in decision making territory level. Your BF has 50/50? You watch the kids two days a week during the week the children are with their father. This other does not need your permission to pick her children up and take them to this circle...she needs to discuss this with their father. I understand you are communicating with the mother, however these are discussions and decisions which might be made by the actual parents.
If you tell her 'no' she could go back to court and obtain first rights of refusal as to the children being left in your care during these two days a week while BF works. It's great that you love and care for these kids, but you're setting up your own issues when you say (per your profile) that these children 'have become your life'.
You need to inform your BF of the mother's request and let them figure it out. There is nothing to get your feelings hurt over or all confused and angry over.
THIS And that bonus mom, the
THIS
And that bonus mom, the kids have become life crap will start to poss their mother off sooner or later. You are their father's girlfriend. If that relationship ends, those kids will no longer be in your life.
Enjoy your relationship and let the parents worry about the parenting.
The unfortunate thing is that
The unfortunate thing is that they simply do not communicate with each other. I totally understand that I am not the parent but i am definitely a significant part of the boy's lives. If you are in a blended family how can you simply say "let the parents worry about parenting". I have put forth the time and energy that a parent would. I would have to disagree with the idea that thinking about the If-We-Break-Up scenario. It is important to remember that all things have a chance of going stale but if you use that to dictate how you live your life and your relationship than you are asking for a life of missed connections.
I certainly don't think I'm their actual mother but I do take on a role of a mother figure. We do a 4 day 3 day split they are with us 4 days. My boyfriend has basically said that he doesn't want to let her scoop em up that day because it could cause more issues than needed. They have moved to four different locations with their BM in the past year and just moved again this past weekend with her so he is very concerned with keeping a schedule and a sense of structure over here. Its not that I'm trying to deliberately take time away from her.
I am both a BM and SM.
I am both a BM and SM. Looking at this situation, I would say that if Mom wants to take her, then just let her go. If it was a sporting event or something like that, I'd say you could both go and watch and it would work out. Both of you being involved in this case, though, is just going to be weird and confusing.
Them, I mean, not "her".
Them, I mean, not "her". Oops.
I will say that I participate
I will say that I participate in my SS3's educational stuff more so than BM simply because of the custody arrangement that her and DH have so I totally understand you wanting to be there and all that jazz but if BM can be there, then you need to step back and let her take charge. That is if you want to keep y'all's cordial relationship going. If you try to force yourself in on this circle time then she will probably start to get annoyed at you. It's her kid, she's obviously capable of handling this by herself, she doesn't need a sidekick...and most importantly, you are there to help your SO/Husband/BF. That's who you are dating, not BM.
How old are the kids? You
How old are the kids?
You said it's a home school group. If they are school age, and they are being homeschooled, I'd stay clear. There's nothing that says you can't do educational things with them while they are in your care, but don't get involved with the education yourself. Homeschool groups are the province of whoever is in charge of the kids' education. If BM wants to homeschool the education is on her.
If the kids are not yet in school she's asking you to take them to the equivalent of a playgroup. No good can come out of both you and mom both taking kids to the same playgroup. Playgroup moms form friendships. No way both you and mom are going to be friends with the moms in this group. It won't turn out well.
Take a step back. BM needs to talk to BF about this, and if BF agrees to this group, find a way to get the kids there that does not involve you. If you get into this you will have lots of stress.
So The whole thing with the
So The whole thing with the circle was that I had made friends with the parents that put on the whole thing to begin with earlier on and that is why I was bothered by the presumption that BM would scoop them up on a dad day to go to this thing. I wouldn't say naive is the right word to describe my position here. I know I have no rights and I know that I am more involved than a lot of SP. I was mainly concerned with the manner in which BM presumed that it would be okay to do this. The BF was also upset about this and had expressed a concern regarding the bouncing around. I stated earlier their BM has moved almost 4 times in the past year and has a new baby on the way with her new BF of 5 months. We are concerned. I definitely let the boy's dad make major decisions. The two BP's inability to communicate has been an issue since day one and I kind of got put in the position of being the mediator.
After about 3 hours of being the middle man this afternoon I said "enough is enough". I am not going to be this person to handle their inability to communicate and I am not going to be made to feel everyone's pain. I totally understand why BM wants to take them and feels its her right and I absolutely understand why BF would want to keep them here without the flip flopping. I did however talk BF into a trial run with BM picking the babes up on Monday to go to the circle with their mom. I realize that I need to put my ego aside and let her at least try to make it work.
But check this: The BF says that he wants my time with boys to be valued and thinks its just as important that they have time with me as they do with him when they are over this way. So that is why it is confusing and hard to step back. I have talked to BF about getting smart and going to get primary custody. You guys are right though, I am going to step back and let the parents hash this one out and report back to me the details.
For the comment that said I
For the comment that said I have unrealistic ideas of my role as SM. I understand it may seem that way but I have really found myself in a position where I am being asked to be more of a parent type figure. The BF wants me to be involved and it is not from a place of negligence on his part as he is also very involved. I think it is more of this desire to create a very stable home situation for the boys. I agree that since their mother is very present though very aloof to her actions, I should step down and be less involved in things like schooling (a very sticky subject). It is hard to fumble around in the dark and I am appreciative of the opinions and advice shared in this thread.