SD19 in college comes home every weekend
I’m new here and this is my first post. Here is my situation I have been living with my fiance for 3 years, and we have been together for a total of 6 years. We are both divorced. I’m currently 8 month pregnant and do not have any other children of my own. My fiance has 3 kids, a daughter who is 19 and in college, and 2 sons that are 14 and 16 and both are in high school.
Here is my problem, we lived in a house, but had to move into a 2 bedroom apartment back in August of 2014. We decided that we would just get a 2 bedroom apartment, since the plan was for SD19 to live with roommates close to campus. I should mention she goes to school 30 minute where we live. Since starting school she comes home EVERY weekend to do laundry and hang out with her brothers. She sleeps on the couch when she is over. She does not have a job or a vehicle of her own. Since, she was 16 years old I try to encourage her to get a part time job to save up money for a car. Some weekends I don’t get as annoyed as much about her being here. But my original thought was she would visit occasionally and be involved with campus activity. That has not happened! She is here every weekend, during Christmas break she was here for a month and half sleeping on the couch in the living room. The same thing happened during spring break. She has her own apartment that she pays rent for with other roommates. BTW, when I say she is here every weekend, her roommates drop her off at our place on Thursday night and she does not go back home until Monday night. Some of you may disagree with this, but she does not help with pay for any food or any personal stuff she may want or need while with us. My thoughts would be different if this was the occasionally visit, but every weekend and she just sits around and does nothing. Here is my problem; with the baby coming it’s going to be even more cramped in the 2 bedroom apartment until we can move out into a house; which will not be until August. I have tried talking to my fiancé about SD19 maybe not coming every weekend, but he gets defensive and say I’m jealous and just don’t want her around. That maybe some what the case, but honestly I don’t like the idea of someone living off my couch and being in my home every weekend. Especially, when the baby arrives! I will say she is not a brat or spoiled, she is very smart! I will also say she is somewhat shy, and I think that is part of the reason why she does not have a job or a big social life. I just think it’s about time for her to spread her wings and fly more. My question or problem that I need advice on is should I talk to her myself about coming over every weekend? I was also going to bring up summer break, that way it’s not a big surprise that she can’t stay there.
That first year away is a
That first year away is a hard transition for them. My BS20 goes to school about 45 minutes away. He has a hard time expanding his social network. He came home a few times and I had to tell him that first year a couple times to stay on campus. Now, he only comes home for breaks or holidays. I wish he would come home more, but I do make sure and see him if I am in town.
She needs to be encouraged to make more friends. She never will if she comes home every weekend. He is dwarfing her by not encouraging her to start having a life.
Now, as for being annoyed that she is there, it is still her home in her eyes and his. Tread softly on that subject.
IMO, I know this is "HOME"
IMO, I know this is "HOME" and she is more than welcome to visit and stay every once and a while, but the coming home every weekend and so far every school break is too much. Since she is sleeping and staying in the living room she is in there watching Netflix and she has her clothes basket in the middle of the floor along with laptop, books, and whatever else. I would like to come in there and lounge and put my swollen pregnant ankles up and watch my shows. I feel rude if I just grab the remote and put on what I would like to watch. So, then on the weekends I feel like I have to recluse to the bedroom. If we already were in a bigger house where she could stay in the guest bedroom, I would not be as bothered. I still think she is an adult and needs to start breaking away and finding her place in the world. She won't be able to do that if she is coming home every weekend and hanging out with her younger brothers and her dad.
When I was her age, I had moved out and lived with roommates. I did not go home every weekend and stay with my mom. Actually I don’t think I ever stayed the weekend once I moved out. I was very close to my mom, but never had the urge to go home every weekend. My mom would call me every night and make sure I made it home safe, and probably a couple times a month go visit and let her cook lunch.
I have told DH to have a
I have told DH to have a conversation about this, but I don't think he gets it. Obviously it does not bug him, because it's his daughter. This apartment is in both our names, not just his, but mine as well. I also pay for half of everything, even financially supporting all 3 skids (BM is out of the picture, she is in state prison) in reality we could get in trouble since she is considered an adult and is living here half the month. She is not on the lease. I understood at the beginning of the school year and I just let it go. Again, we are not in a house, we are in a 2 bedroom 1100 sqft apartment. The 2 teenage boys share a room and then DH and I have the other room; which also has a mini crib tuck off in the corner. Plus she has her own place, not a dorm room, but an actual apartment of her own. SD19 lives off student loans which pays for rent, and buys groceries, and utilities. DH and I have told her to look for part time work to subsidize her cost of living, instead of living off student loans. If we lived in a bigger place and there was not a baby on the way, I would probably not be so annoyed.
Who came up with idea?
Who came up with idea? Honestly it this were my kid, once oir current least expired, I'd be looking for a bigger apartment. Since the campus is close by, there's no way I would allow her to rack up student loan debt for an apartment. She could live at home and commute.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Seems the trend these days is
Seems the trend these days is that kids are taking longer and longer to be independent adults. I think that DH should talk to her about staying at her apartment more...getting involved in student activities, etc. He needs to let her know that he isn't pushing her away, but that it is time she spread her wings and figure out who she is and have a life. Coming home for a Sunday afternoon visit or something is one thing...staying 3-4 days out the week is quite different.
It almost makes me wonder...do the roommates drop her at "home" because they can't stand her, or there is some other friction? DH should talk to her and try to figure out what is going on.
Where else is she supposed to
Where else is she supposed to go beside her father's residence when she is not in school? She is only 19 and in college so, why can't she come home? Is she disrespectful or mean to you?
Get a blow up mattress for
Get a blow up mattress for the floor in the boys bedroom.
Get her a blow up mattress
Get her a blow up mattress for the floor in the boys bedroom.
^^^THIS^^^ (the blow up
^^^THIS^^^ (the blow up mattress on the boys' BR floor lol)
LOL, tell her you need the LR to be just that, a living room for everyone. NOT her bedroom 4 days out of the week. She's wasting that student loan money on her own rent by not utilizing her own apartment. Has she EVER had a job? Tell DH she needs to get a small campus job and start working PT. It will help her gain independence.
I agree though, she may not come around as often with a crying baby and 3am feedings. Or she may continue to leech on you guys when you clearly don't have enough room. Perhaps she is trying to save money on laundry and meals by being at home where it's free? Precisely WHY she needs to get a campus job for groceries and laundry money.
~ Moon
delete
delete
Are you the
Are you the girlfriend/babymama?