You know I am really peeved with my Husband right now...
I shouldn't be as he had knee replacement surgery this week and is still in the hospital.
But the fact is I am peeved because he knows and knew that Twit had "problems" but he let her attack me, do crazy things to me, play mind games etc. and expected me to just suck it up all these years.
Yes, I know I should be past all that, but it seems to really just have hit me hard today. How I was sacrificed on the altar of Twit craziness so that he wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she has these problems.
We agreed that we would not say anything to Twit about DH's surgery unless she called, which she did not, and has not. This morning, DH asked if I called Twit about his surgery. I was surprised and said that we had agreed not to. He is concerned (aka probably scared) that if she finds out she will raise all kinds of h*ll with him. My remark was that I was under a lot of stress and worry with his surgery and the absolute last thing in the world I needed was to put up with Twit antics. DH's son knows, I called him and he called his Dad, but he will not tell Twit because he thinks she is out of line with me. My DD knows and has sent him candy and called as well.
Thing here is that DH knows Twit has many loose screws, and as he said, has been that way most of her life. I feel that is asking way too much. And he knows that if he goes back to his old ways of backing her, telling me to suck it up, be big about it, etc.....he is going to be gone for good.
Gee, I do hate feeling this way because DH is a great guy otherwise, and he hasn't reverted...YET. It is that I just don't want to be placed into having to deal with the Twit.
I did tell him that he should call her himself if he feels there will be a problem, but to make sure that she knows to leave me alone. He is concerned telling her that would only cause problems. Up to this point he has done pretty well in keeping Twit at bay, but this surgery seems to bring something up.
Honestly, what is a stepmother, a normal person to do?
>>>>>>>I guess what I took
>>>>>>>I guess what I took away from this post was that you feel hurt because Twit put you through all of that pain and you're the one there with him and he's still concerned with her.<<<<<<
I think you have something in this. Heck, I was worried sick, concerned while he was in surgery. I was there while he was still groggy etc., holding his hand. And he is worried about Twit?
DH is the kind of guy who has a very good disposition. He tends to get real, well, nice and happy when he is under the effects of anesthesia.
"Blinded by DNA." Classic. I
"Blinded by DNA." Classic. I intend to steal that and use it liberally.
Could the pain meds be doing
Could the pain meds be doing the talking?
DH is only a few years
DH is only a few years younger than your Father was. I do know that as we age, we heal more slowly and respond more slowly. That is why the therapy for this knee operation is going to take some months for him to get better....many months.
Yep, just like the Mother's
Yep, just like the Mother's Day card she claimed she sent me but "must have gotten lost in the mail".
Na, won't stoop to that low level with her ilk.
Your feelings are totally
Your feelings are totally justified. Hopefully he is just feeling a bit loopy from his pain medication. I think you are wise to not include her as she would turn his surgery and recovery into The Twit Shit Show.
SDM, I sincerely wish the
SDM, I sincerely wish the best for your DH's recovery and in keeping your sanity while he goes through his mood swings - typical with both surgery and hospital stays. His waffling is probably temporary. It is good you told him to call her if he feels it is necessary - it wasn't hand surgery. Unless he is in intensive care, and unaware of his surroundings it is not your responsibility to call Twit at all.
It is understandable you feel the way you do after coming so far from the way the situation was last year. But please restate your boundaries if necessary. Just because he is laid up it still doesn't mean you let the pit bull eat your arm off. (((HUGS)))
DH probably had his own fears
DH probably had his own fears before the surgery, even though it isn't life threatening, it is still a risk. All surgery is.
Sandye, I have to let you in on the latest BS DH heard from Twit back a few weeks ago. Forgot to mention it in my posting...this was when she wanted us to go down and let her dogs out and drive the Drunkie to his job. One of her complaints and wails to DH was that he just has to understand that she is losing her short term memory! I never heard of such a thing because wouldn't that be akin to not knowing what one has immediately done? Yeah, supposedly she was told by the doctor that it wasn't going to come back. Hence she doesn't remember things, claims it is her meds (keep in mind all Twit's nastiness is due to her meds, hormones, etc., never that she is just mean and nasty)
I don't know. that is totally beyond my scope but it sounds real strange. DH seemed to think she was telling the truth, but who knows what the truth really is with Twit. That was so, well bizarre that I could hardly believe he even told me that.
Back from spending most of
Back from spending most of the day at the hospital and to have dinner and unwind. The very last thing I would ever consider doing is calling Twit. Histronics from her, you betcha, common sense....nadda.
You have to remember one thing that I have posted on my desk....Twit only is interested in an INHERITANCE from us, not a RELATIONSHIP. Daddy is only great when she needs to whine and carry on about how bad things are for her, poor her, the world is treating her so badly. And when she wants something, which she hasn't been getting lately.
SDM, your DH has come a long
SDM, your DH has come a long way in acknowledging his daughter’s (many) shortcomings, yet, because he has a parent’s love for her, he will forever hope that she can and will change.
Whilst you and we all know this will never happen, for your DH to accept this would be to admit failure as a parent even though there was never anything he could have done to change her.
He obviously loves you very much and is now – because you have forced him – putting you first, but the situation between Twit and you will always be a source of great pain to him (even though it is caused by Twit alone).
This is step-world where there is a toxic step-child.
Measures such as disengagement can serve to relieve the symptoms, but in the end there are 2 choices. Deal with the inevitable episodes, dramas and divided loyalties and reap whatever happiness in-between, or leave and lose the man you love.
It is a choice faced by every one of the anguished women (and men) who seek to find answers and empathy on this forum. Most will stay and cope the best they can. Some will leave amid a burden of resentment and wasted love and maybe forge some sort of future with peace if not passion.
There is no easy answer and I don’t know what it is. In my own case the decision was made for me when he died.
I suppose what I am trying to say is you ultimately have to accept he will always love her – no matter how monstrously she behaves and he knows she does- and accept the drama and resentment that goes with it.
You sound like a lovely lady, SDM. My heart goes out to you.
DH's son isn't talking to
DH's son isn't talking to his Twitty sister. Guess many months ago she called him on a rant and character assassination of me, which is typical of her psycho problems. He told her she was totally out of line and apparently cut off contact with her, though he remains in contact with DH and I.
My practical side says that I
My practical side says that I should not feel this way, but, heck, I have been so worried and stressed with DH's surgery. The absolute last thing I want to deal with is Twit problems.
agree with this 100 percent.
agree with this 100 percent. too often we save people from their own stupidity.
notasm: Thank you for the
notasm: Thank you for the advice on this. DH will be in hospital until, I believe, Thursday if things go right.
Back from seeing DH this
Back from seeing DH this morning. He has therapy and there is no reason for me to just wait around.
So far he has not called Twit....I even offered him my cell phone to do so if he wished. And, twit hasn't called either. I told him I didn't want her going off on me, as she generally does, and would not be calling her. I have more than enough to deal with with DH in the hospital right now (I didn't say that to him because I, well I just wouldn't).
You can bet if she has heard through the grapevine - SS talks to Wacky Auntie and Wacky Auntie is just that....Wacky and she would call Twit right away to stir the pot -- Twit probably is having a snit fit that she wasn't the first one called etc. That is how she operates, but I could care less just as long as she doesn't darken my doorway or come around when I am visiting DH at the hospital.
If Twit has probably received
If Twit has probably received news through the grape vine that DH is in the hospital, what's holding HER back from calling? Just the fact that she hasn't heard from DH for a while should be justification for HER to call, right? We already know the answer, don't we? She is SO special I guess you just owe it to her. Glad to hear you are standing firm about not calling her.
So agree, Sandye. We all
So agree, Sandye. We all know what goes on with Twit....she wants an inheritance not a relationship period. She doesn't want to be bothered with either of us unless she wants something or there is something in it for her.
Now I am figuring she already heard about her Father from Wacky. As I said, her brother doesn't talk to Twit, but he does facebook etc. with Wacky. Wacky loves to stir the pot....you know....the kind that wants to start trouble whenever she can.
But it is a good question as to why Twit hasn't called, or even stopped by the hospital (as long as I am not there when she does). My guess is that if she does know, she is now pouting about how terrible everyone (meaning him and me) is to her and getting ready to put a BIG pitty party on DH. Like he even needs that right now. You just mark my words. She will be around and crying because she, her little fee fees are so hurt by what happened, and there will be not one word of concern about DH. I bet the farm on that.
And the drama goes on and
And the drama goes on and on... and will go on and on...such is life xx
So right you are. Sometimes
So right you are. Sometimes I feel this will go on until my end. But, hopefully, DH will continue to see the light and not fall backwards, as he has apparently done, and will blow her off completely.
As I say, she is looking for inheritance....if she got the notice that, heaven forbid, DH had passed, I would have to be beating her off my property with a club, vulture that she is. Even though the house is my, and most of the furniture, china, etc., you can bet that she will be fighting to see what she can get. One of those nuisance suits where they try to get you to settle for something just to stop the proceedings.
Oh SDM, I hope you find
Oh SDM, I hope you find peace. We caring women of the world deserve it. Hugs to you xxxxx
Thank you Dunwiththem. I
Thank you Dunwiththem. I recall all that you went through when your husband passed and his daughter.
What I am dealing with is not just attitude but pure and simple evil, a wacko who has mental problems to be sure.
Honestly, if I had known what she was before we moved down here it never would have happened. Sadly, she didn't show her true colors until we moved. BUT, and this tees me off, DH knew she is, shall we say, unstable, but didn't let me on it. I am peeved that he did this, hid her problems from me and then expected me to suck it all up. Having to deal with a raving loony tune in my old age is just too much at times.
Right now I know I am under major stress with DH, the knee surgery, therapy, etc., but I feel very deceived. Life and its ups and downs is enough without having to deal with CRAZY. As I have said before....Twit scares me. For reasons she has shown, as well as gut feeling, I just don't trust her or want to be around her alone or not. Think an exorcism of her would help?
I am feeling I always have to think about what she will do in order to protect myself and it is so very tiring. Now that I know what she is, I have a good idea how she will operate, but it doesn't stop her and it doesn't take the pain and aggrievation off of me.
When she goes quiet, like at a time like this, is when I have to grid my lions for a bad attack from her. It is inevitable.
Try not to be too angry with
Try not to be too angry with DH for not giving you the heads up about Twit. That's a very human thing to do. He was probably hoping a. she would improve (ha ha) b. You would not notice how loopy she is (ha ha ha) c. somehow you would put up with the nonsense like he does - used to - (hahahaha).
I think you really need to move a long way away from her. I know you've been looking into this but DH surgery has put it on hold. Do it asap for your sanity. You have a right to live out your golden years in peace so you must take steps towards this urgently x
Well, DH is home from the
Well, DH is home from the hospital and will continue therapy at home right now. Right now he is sleeping and I am just having a cup of tea before bed.
Thankfully, no sign of Twit. DH asked if I called her, I said no and told him the phone was right there if he wanted to do so. He didn't, and Twit is not my problem.
I guess I'm just peeved that I know now that whenever something happens with DH, the Twit will always be a problem. Grrrr.
Oh, well, I am thankful that she isn't around whether she knows or not about her father, but my concern is that she is sneaky, running deep until she attacks again. Time will tell. But for right now peace.
I think, from watching him, that an earlier poster was on to something when she said that for DH to admit what Twit was would be like admitting he failed. He has come a long way, but hasn't reached the finish line yet where Twit is concerned.
I am going to my favorite auction house on Sunday. Crossing my fingers Twit won't be there. This post is just like talking to myself so that I can clear my mind.
Well, DH heard from the Twit
Well, DH heard from the Twit Sunday. Another rampage against me, evidently to cause problems.
I went to an auction, DH stayed home. Ran into Twit there and just sailed by her. Heck, I have absolutely nothing to say to her. Guess THAT teed her off and she called DH complaining, and crying, about how I just walked by her. Evidently I didn't pay her the homage and attention she so craves.
So I get home and DH asks why I ignored the Twit. Asked him who told him that and he said the Twit called all upset because I had snubbed her! I told DH that she could just as easily approached me and said hello, it works both ways. Besides, I want absolutely nothing to do with her and he is aware of that. DH then accused me of starting trouble with Twit.
How did I start trouble? I don't and haven't talked to her for almost a year. She is the one that has been having the hissy fits, not me. I told him, and it did get heated, that to her, telling me the things she did, et al., and being mean is nothing more than a big burp to her. She expects me to take carp from her, belittles me, tell me I'm not worth as much as a hot dog and then expects me to worship at her feet like nothing ever happened. Told DH that I don't allow people to treat me bad and continue to do so because they are CRAZY! Yep, sadly, in the heat of the moment I said that and I know I should not have. Words like that don't do anything but add fuel to the fire, but, friends, I am still stressed from everything with DH.
The very last thing I expected was to come home and be put on the carpet because of yet another Twit complaint.
She is obviously up to her old tactics, again....complaining to DH about me. And I want to say that this time is really tees me off. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of dealing with that evil, moronic cretin.
What a no win situation!!!
What a no win situation!!!
You walk by and that hurt twits feelings. If you had stopped and said hi, she would have been offended by they way you said 'hi'.
It seems to me if Twit is going to complain anyway, no matter what you do that maybe you should just say "hi bitch" as you walk by her. I really don't mean that but it does cross my mind.
Jam - you are so right....a
Jam - you are so right....a lose, lose situation for certain. That is why Twit is nutz
I am so upset that if I
I am so upset that if I didn't have to be hear for DH's knee therapy etc., I would leave to go stay with my daughter for a few days.
DHsaid, Twit claims I hurt her feelings when I walked by. Boo hoo hoo. SHE felt SOO bad!
Folks, I do hope we have not had a major back up here because, quite frankly, I am just not up to it and don't want to deal with it any more.
Right on Fighting! You are
Right on Fighting! You are correct, he passed Twit's rage on to me. Perhaps he should have stopped the nonsense when she called him all upset.
I felt hijacked when I walked in the door by this carp. Surprised by it and feeling very attacked I just let it out.
You have very good advice there and I will keep it in mind for next time....to just point out how Twit goes into these outburst to push his buttons against me and destroy our relationship. Also remind him that she wasn't too crazy about him when he was living with her before. Don't know if it would work as she had him worked up already.
I am so sorry to hear this,
I am so sorry to hear this, SDM! You are right - it goes both ways - what is stopping her from coming over and saying "Hello" to you? Your DH might be a bit testy from being in the hospital and being laid up at home. This is pretty common. But it still does not mean you have to cater to Twit. NO! You told DH that you should not have to put up with Twit simply because she is crazy. And this goes for DH too. You should not be expected to put up with Twit simply because he is laid up. Do not apologize. No one else would either. Just stand your ground, and refuse to discuss Twit at all. (((HUGS)))
Hi Sandye - Twit isn't going
Hi Sandye - Twit isn't going to walk over to me because she KNOWS that I know what she is. She doesn't know how to manipulate me like she use to when I would back down so as not to cause problems. Keep in mind, she has to be in control and with me she can't be. NOR does she want to try to patch things up because in her mind she has done nothing wrong....it is all ME. She, IMHO, wants to cause problems because she now really sees me as a threat between her and her Daddy, something to be destroyed because I am not going with her flow of things and Daddy has been changing - through he has fallen off the wagon right now. And even with DH, Twit is only looking for inheritance not a real relationship, she wants to get more than her brother and sister. If that sounds ghoulish, it is. How can one ever forget her bawling in my living room, when we first moved down here, crying that she was oh so scared that my DD was going to get everything when we passed and she was gonna be left out. Can you just imagine hearing a stepadult, even if my own, saying something like that? Strange, very strange. She isn't getting anything from me, it is all tied up, and inventoried, for DD.
And, the fact is that she is CRAZY, no if, ands or buts about that. She doesn't think like normal people. I remember when I told the counselor about the Twit dance/glare in my driveway where she was dancing around saying she wasn't normal and never had been. The counselor said that was a very interesting and telling word to use....not one normal people would ever use. I told her it felt like she was warning me at the time. She does and says strange, weird things but only when no one else is around to hear them. Oh, she knows what she is saying, she just doesn't want witnesses just wants to keep it a she said, she said thing.
if sd wants to know anything
if sd wants to know anything she will contact you. otherwise save yourself the heartache.
You know, I don't even know
You know, I don't even know if she knows about DH's surgery as DH didn't saying anything about her being upset about not knowing.
Hi notasm - You are right
Hi notasm - You are right there, but it is those steaming Twit piles I find that I have to keep dodging.
I took a breather from it all
I took a breather from it all this afternoon, after DH's therapy session, and went to the show. Getting away from it helps.
Sat down and told DH that I felt he was heading back to where he was before we went to counseling. Explained that Twit had every opportunity to come over and speak to me but she choose not to, just as I choose, for the reasons he knows and approves of, not to speak to her. That I felt it was only the fact that she called bawling to him that pushes his buttons against me on this.
I did ask if he told her about his surgery and....and this is telling....he said no. She was so upset about me that he never got to it! Hmmm. I told him he should have told her because I don't want a repeat of her going off about me when she does find out, and she will. And when she does all h*ll is going to break out and go against me, who else.
Told him how I love him and was so worried while he was in surgery and in hospital, but I just can't deal with her and it is wrong of him to ask me to. He needs to call her about his surgery and the sooner the better and to make certain she knows that it is not my fault he is just now letting her know.
I explained, very patiently, that with Twit my "giving in to her" would only start her off on me all over again. I don't want to deal with it or put up with it or TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. I also mentioned that the only time he ever hears from her is when she wants something (go let the dogs out in the bad weather) or wants attention (calling him bawling about me from the auction, and when she had the GB surgery). Other than that, she never calls to see if he needs help shoveling snow, we are okay during bad storms, or just to see how things are going. I was very gentle with how I brought this up because I didn't want to get him upset at me again, and I didn't.
Both of us are under a lot of stress from his surgery and the recovery he is going through. Never an easy time for any one I am sure.
Morning skeeter - Our hubbys
Morning skeeter - Our hubbys must be related because they are both from the jerk lineage.
Thank you for your support. It is tough.
I pray all goes well with you and get a good lawyer, one that specializes in divorce not a jack of all trades.
Sometimes it takes a while
Sometimes it takes a while but I know what one of the burrs under my saddle about this latest Twit episode is. It is that I find myself having to defend myself once again. As I have said, it is a two-way street but since I am not looking for trouble or to start trouble with Twit I end up the loser.
I think next time I run across the cretin I will right away complain to DH that Twit snubbed me, said something nasty to me (you know, make it up with no one else around to verify what is said) and get all hurt looking for pity and attention. Na, as much as that would be fun it is not my style.
Guess I am praying for the day when Twit goes off about me like she just did and DH tells her -- so what instead of putting me through the wringer.
I am starting to wonder if DH is afraid of her, her tantrums, her viciousness, etc. As I said, he has told me he knows that Twit has problems and obviously knows a lot more than I do about her and how she acts. And, he isn't sharing these things, didn't share them in counseling either. It is just clicking in on how very carefully he deals with her, doesn't want to upset her, never contradicts the outright fibs and lies she tells and expects him to believe. He let her become an out of control omnipotent monster and now, reigning her in is a massive undertaking.
SDM, Doesn't it seem like we
SDM, Doesn't it seem like we SMs have a bit of PTSD? It's like we went into combat for years and years, (which we did), and every time the Skids pull something else it ruptures the same wound we've been trying to heal for decades. No wonder you feel drained when you encounter another 'Twit-offense'. It's like getting hit again - after being hit so many times you can't count them anymore.
What would happen if you told DH you no longer want to discuss Twit? What would happen if you simply didn't respond to any Twit accusations or tell DH, "I'm not responding to this?" DH has a problem with Twit. It's his problem. But he tries to bring you back into the conflict because it's easier for him to not take the brunt of Twit's rage. It is understandable in DH's present condition that he wants to 'share' the rage but it's not your responsibility. He didn't have to tell you about Twit's latest tirade at all.
One of the toughest things we SMs deal with is the division and recognition of responsibility. For some reason many of us are in an unbalanced relationship with our partners. We seem to value their happiness a heck of a lot more then they value ours. For many years I would prompt DH to have an active relationship with SD. It was plain to see he loved her but he didn't put himself out there much - and he must have known it. It was much easier accuse me of "making SD uncomfortable" or exaggerate some perceived 'offense' than it was to deal with the the real, underlying issue which was the divorce, the trauma it caused SD and the inability of DH to get beyond his 'tough', unemotional shell.
Some day Twit's mental and emotional issues are going to have to be addressed - a very big step. Your DH is hiding behind you and as you have written before, Twit's Husband hides in his 'man-cave'. Again, this is not your responsibility - it's theirs. I know you value your DH's health and happiness but he should equally value yours, despite his recent knee replacement. You do not owe it to your DH to listen to anything about Twit. He needs to lower his expectations.
----Some day Twit's mental
----Some day Twit's mental and emotional issues are going to have to be addressed - a very big step. Your DH is hiding behind you and as you have written before, Twit's Husband hides in his 'man-cave'.-----
Exactly, and thus I get all the BS they don't want to deal with. But then she is not after them, she is after me.
SDM, I wish I was with you
SDM, I wish I was with you right now so I could give you a big (((HUG))). I forgot about how hard it is to deal with this situation when Twit is targeting you. I hope you can just hold tight and not allow DH to relapse back into helping to make you a convenient target. He needs to have your back. This means that despite his physical circumstances, he should not be relaying Twit's tirades and accusations to you. But like my DH, he has a real problem with confrontation - especially with Twit. Heck! If I was in your shoes I'd be scared because Twit is acting like the sick, rejected lover in 'Fatal Attraction', and seems so unpredictable.
I know your main concern is his relapse to how it was a year ago. Plus having to help with his healing. After all you went through, you do not want to go through that again after all of your efforts. I only hope and pray DH sees the light before he destroys all of the progress you both have made. But in my heart, I think he will. Keep the faith. (((HUGS)))
Oh Sandye - I sure could use
Oh Sandye - I sure could use that hug. THANKS. The nail on the head problem is that Twit has me in her sights for destruction. That is what narcs do when their prey ignores them.
I don't know if she knows about DH's surgery or not, hard to tell with her. I do know that she hasn't talked to DH about it but she could just be angry and getting ready to try to destroy me because no matter if DH made the decision, on his own, not to tell her, I will forever be the guilty party in her eyes.
I am going to tell DH today to make sure he calls her and if she wants to come up and see him, I will go to the library for a few hours. HE has to do it and not try to put it off on me so he doesn't have to face her rage - though that rage will definitely be against me. I will just check the silver etc. when I get back to make sure it doesn't walk out with her. That last part I will not say to DH, but one has to be careful with Twit.
Having just read this thread
Having just read this thread for the first time, and realizing that the term 'narcissist' is often overused nowadays, my first thought is that both h you and DH are dealing with a classic narc. It is horrible. I have a sister like this. No one can enforce boundaries with these creatures.
The only solution I've ever found with such people is no contact, and it's the sad reason why I've recently moved 3000 miles away from mine.
I do recall the very harsh treatment my own SM received from Sis. And SM married my Dad when we 'kids' were 40+!
My Dad's solution was to ban Sis from his life. Like your DH, it was the only way to preserve the happiness of his marriage. This meant a lot of sacrifice for him since this included never knowing his own grandsons. He met them once before he died.
Looking back, if Dad was OK with that, it was indeed a difficult choice, but in the long run...did those boys miss much? No, because he had my boys as grandsons too, and he managed to ignore them, too. Likely because second wife mandated that all SK grandkids be kept away. I guess Dad chose company and a travel companion over grandkids.
Inheritance...that's what it's all about. My Sis reappeared when she heard Dad was dying. She wanted to make nice, and he agreed to one meeting to 'allow her to apologize'. She did not apologize of course and just ripped into him about being a 'bad father'. It was then I who had to ban her, but only after agreeing that she would share anything that my brother and I inherited. We did do that, but now she has her money, she's been set free from my life.
Just an idea. I do feel for your DH. He cannot control Twit, but he might be well advised to get some advice on how to handle a mentally ill child.
Good morning Ohsoconfused.
Good morning Ohsoconfused. DH and I did counseling after I threw him out because of Twit problems over a year ago. He has gotten much better but he seems to have relapsed with his surgery. I know it is a difficult time for him, but I believe that if he is allowed to go back to what he did before - blaming me, believing the carp Twit tells him, backing her, etc., that would be the absolute wrong thing, especially for me.
And of course with a cretin like Twit, once she gets a toe hold in the door she will never quit.
Before his surgery he told me, numerous times, that it was alright if I wanted to have nothing to do with the Twit, he understood, and that Twit had told him she wanted nothing to do with me. Okay, fine with me. So why does the Cretin call DH up crying and bawling about how terrible SDM is because she didn't come up and pay homage to her? To me that doesn't make sense. Why does DH even think I should talk to Twit when she has told him she wants nothing to do with me? Crazy making for certain
Ohsoconfused: Just reread
Ohsoconfused: Just reread your post. You mean your father not only banned the SD and her children but ignored YOURS as well? Wow!
While Twit IS a problem, one I have never encountered before, but we are learning, we both value family (I have a DD and DH has other wonderful ASK as well) as well as travel and each other.
Didn't know what this one was like until about 4 years ago. DH has been pretty good in setting her straight, but she keeps on coming. And, any road to recovery, so to speak, is NOT a straight line.
Well, if. DH has said it's OK
Well, if. DH has said it's OK to have nothing to do with Twit, then by refusing to acknowledge her/pay homage/feed her kibbles etc. then presumably you are keeping up your end of the bargain. Her complaints should fall on his deaf ears and he has no justification for even mentioning her comments to you.
If you can deactivate your own emotional trigger about it then he will be complaining to the walls. He will then have to devise a strategy of putting a cork in her for his own sanity. Perhaps if he said "stfu or you'll be forgotten in my will", but then, a lot of these conflict avoidant guys will never get to that point. Make it his issue to deal with, but it is well time for you to let the latest drama go. Don't bug him, he's got enough to contend with, without worrying about your delicate ego. I know you'd like to hit her with a roundhouse punch but forget it. There are never any winners with narcs, just ongoing drama if you engage with them and their enablers.
Morning ohsoconfused. DH
Morning ohsoconfused. DH caught me off guard when he started on me about the Twit's complaints about me. Didn't expect it. Just as DH is recouping from his knee surgery, so am I.
I do think he is afraid of Twit because he didn't let her know about his surgery before hand and is taking it out on me. BUT that was HIS decision not to do so, not mine. And he could have called her any time instead of trying to make me deal with CRAZY.
Ohsoconfused - It is not my
Ohsoconfused - It is not my ego, it is that I was blindsided when I came home and DH hit me with the latest Twit nonsense, accusing me of starting trouble with her. Didn't see that coming at all and was quite surprised after a long day.
It just seems that as long as
It just seems that as long as you keep engaging with DH on the topic of Twit, then you are risking causing yourself unnecessary stress. Your DH has been dealing with her disordered crap all her life. He probably doesn't want to finally accept that she is right nuts (and these folks often are good actors and periods of charm) and keeps smoking the hopium that things will improve.
If he will not let go of her attempts at interference in your relationship, then to protect your sanity you have to have a stock answer when her name comes up. He seems to have a nasty habit of trying to blame her craziness on you instead of simply accepting that she is just plain crazy.
----- He seems to have a
----- He seems to have a nasty habit of trying to blame her craziness on you instead of simply accepting that she is just plain crazy.------
Yes he does and that is what tees me off. She complains about something, cries, bawls, makes up lies and he comes down on me. I just hate having to defend myself for things I never did, and I feel like DH believes her, when I have to defend myself, not me. THAT upsets me a lot.
Twit rampages of pity are like a mad dog, she raves, rants and then starts to cry about how she is treated so badly...boo hoo hoo. And one never knows what is going to set her off, that is also a scary thing.
Maybe I'm oversimplifying the
Maybe I'm oversimplifying the situation, but who cares what she she says, does or throws at DH? That is between THEM. If you can honestly say, look DH, I have DISENGAGED with her and her crazy-making, then you should leave the room each time he starts whining. If he doesn't twig to your message, then perhaps he has a bit of the same histrionic disorder. Trying to win popularity contests is not possible here, or it seems, even being treated fairly.
Of course you love him. You don't love the things Twit is doing to him. He is her victim in many ways. But if he can't grow a pair and set firm boundaries, which may include cutting off contact with her, then you may not want to stay. If you feel she is abusing him and he is no longer abl to defend himself, then maybe a restraining order?
You are oversimplifying the
You are oversimplifying the situation. Dealing with people, with family can be rough. DH loves his flawed daughter and always will regardless. Generally, his dealings in the last year with her have been setting her in her place and not giving in to her and it has been hard on him because she is so darn persistent. This one, well, it was unexpected by me; I didn't have a clue about what she was accusing me of until I got home.
I post here because then I don't say the things I would love to say that would start problems with him.
We have been to counseling, he has worked very hard in dealing with his daughter. She just keeps on coming. He has been doing quite well at it, as others on this board will tell you. But any recovery from anything, or learning something new is not a straight line. I cannot tell you how many times in the past year he has set her straight about things.
Since I have learned what she is I somewhat can anticipate how she will act, but not always.
It is just this bit with his surgery that seems to have him off track. I am not sticking up for him, but I do have empathy and UNDERSTANDING of his feelings.
Boundaries have to be set, Twit needs to know and be trained in what is and isn't acceptable. But, IMHO, anyone who could completely throw a family member out forever and totally with no contact at all is one "interesting" person. But then throwing out steps is a lot easier than throwing out one's own.