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I need some advice, new family new problems!

babygirl35's picture

I just dont know where to start so please bare with me. First ill start by saying I have a 9 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter. A little history, he and i met back in the winter of 2013. We became a couple in october of last year. I began to pursue buying a home and he was nice enough to let me stay with him until i closed. It fell through and it took a lot longer than i intended and i found a different home. He told me he wanted to move in with me and we are scheduled to move in less than a month. Heres where things get crazy..
He has a 4 year old from a previous marriage. She has been in pageants since before she could turn over and is coddled beyond words. She is never told no, she is never punished, she is given anything she wants or asks for and she comes before anything regardless of the outcome or consequence. Nothing is ever negotiated except recently he said he wanted to move in with me in my new house. Right now we are staying in his house which is next door to his parents. Its a small house and we are cramped but as i said before i wasnt suppose to be living here as long as i have. On more than one occasion he has expressed to me that he didnt like my 9 year old. He told me we were in the way and we have basically put him and his daughter out. His daughter never wants to be here. She would rather be with his parents and trying to get her to stay over here with him is a fight unlike anything ive ever witnessed. So now when shes here he stays at his mom and spends the night over there. Its tearing us apart because he wont assert himself as a parents or an adult for that matter. She cries for her grandmother until she cant talk. He told me this was a small reason he wanted to move because she gets her way over there and he just cant stand it but he changes nothing. She lied on him the other day and told his mother that he yelled at her and punished her. His mother abruptly came over and jumped all over him over it. It didnt happen he never said a word to her she was the one screaming and being ugly to all of us.. Rewind back to a few days prior she threw a fit and wanted to come to the house and play. It was midnight and my kids were in the bed. He didnt speak to me the next day and basically ran me in the dirt because she wanted to play and couldnt and it was like we put him out of his own house and put his kid on the back burner because my kids has to be here. It was a very cruel argument that left me questioning what i should do next. She only says she wants to come over and play to make sure we arent moving.
He expressed to me he still wanted to move in. I accepted it. But he told his daughter he was moving and the roller coaster ride ensued. She threw a fit and told him he wasnt moving. She repeated it 100 times and threw a fit the whole time. She does not want him to move away from her grandmother. Keep in mind the child does not live here. She lives with her mother, her boyfriend, step daughter and her mother is expected a new baby boy in a home i couldnt imagine being able to afford. They are very well off. When shes here she runs the house. What she wants when she wants and it always goes her way. If she cries and wants something and my kids or myself are in the way we are always to blame. I have never treated her like a brat. Ive never treated her differently and ive always tried to have a relationship with her, but its so hard trying to talk to a child that screams every sentence, and hollers orders like a drill Sargent. She smacks him all the time. She smacks his mother and bites his dad often. Ive never seen anything like it. My kids never get in the way, and my 9 year old to whom he cant stand never bothers him. This stemmed from her quirky personality and the 4 year old getting jealous over any attention he showed my youngest. My oldest however speaks her mind and hes never said a cross thing about her and they get a long quite well. Im afraid that if he moves in he will move right back out once the child throws enough fits about being there or for the time shes down he will stay at his mothers house like he does now and ill go days without seeing him. She always gets his way. So much in fact he will go a whole day and not speak to me. He puts me and my kids on the back burner and doesnt even try to change things. I understand life is changing for her. My kids have dealt with it too and never acted like this. My kids are well mannered.. Honor roll students respectful and never cause any problems. The 4 year old lies on my 9 year old and gets him mad at her a lot. She lies on everyone but me. I have yet to hear any thing or maybe no one is telling me, either way i walk on egg shells and almost dread when shes around. But now his mom has said things because one day i called the 4 year old out because she tripped and fell and split her drink and blamed my teenager and we were all in the room and i said no she didnt and she said yes she did and i said no babe she didnt its not nice to lie and my BFs mother said she didnt think i would be a very good step mom for making her granddaughter feel like she done something wrong when she did. Shes even expressed shes going to keep the house were living in which is small but not small enough for a child to have a 2 bedroom house for a play house so she can still have her child hood home to play in. And its caused problems between her and her husband because he wants to rent it out and they cant afford to keep the utilities running in it. It seems like his mother is always putting things in his head to make him change his mind about things because she doesnt want him to move and wants her granddaughter to stay. She even refers to when the child comes down as "when i get her" or "my visitation". Please please please any advice would be awesome, I just dont know what to do and i feel like im starting to resent this child and her father for the chaos they are creating for me and my girls. Help!!

Aeron's picture

Not to be mean, but you seriously need advice? Get the hell out of that house and that relationship ASAP. How can you respect a man that let's his kid run his house? Let's his kid physically abuse him and others? Lie, throw tantrums, scream and issue orders with no correction? How is that possible? And how is it possible to agree to let a guy like that who is already telling you he doesn't like Your daughter Move In?

The guy isn't treating you well, resents you and your kids if his kid doesn't get her way and gets ugly with you over it but can't stand up to his own mother?

Don't let him move in and once you move out change your number and forget to give it to him. Holy hell. She's 4. This won't get any better because he moves! He's an ass and a pushover, he's already shown you who he is and it isn't a very nice person. Believe him and leave him to his princess.

dood's picture

Me too... Didn't have to read it all to know you need to cut your losses and run like you're on fire out of that situation.

babygirl35's picture

This is everything i expected, i just have my plate so full and its driving me crazy.

babygirl35's picture

I do believe that he loves me but i think the only reason hes allowed me to stay here as long as he has is because he didnt want to be that guy that put out a woman with a child. He has done everything you can think of to push me away and he drinks a lot. He cant get through a day even with his own child without drinking at least a 12 pack. He tells me his own kid drives him crazy. But i do think its the right thing to do for me to just get away from it before it turns into something i cant handle. Hes already shown his true colors when he told me we were putting him and his daughter out of their home, and his daughter cant play at his house because my kids have to be here. I am waiting to close on my house which is why im still here if it wasnt for that i would have moved back to where i came from and left a long time ago. He doesnt seem like he wants me or my kids around and i feel hed be a lot more content with just being a lone and seeing his kid when he does and being a single man.

bearcub25's picture

If he puts away a 12 pack a day, he is an alcoholic. I'm sure he is piss drunk while he is saying you and your DDs are in the way. Moving won't stop his drinking, the kid isn't causing his drinking....He is causing his drinking bc he can't handle his own life. He lets them all run all over him, drinks to forget he has no balls and then takes it out on you and kids that aren't his kids.

dood's picture

So you work with him, too?

Seriously you are asking for advice about your alcoholic boyfriend, with a monstrous child, who has a meddling crazy mother, and who doesn't like your child? You're miserable living with him and his circus and you're actually not sure what to do when you close on your new house?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Step life is hard hard hard and I have the full support of my wonderful mother in law and husband's lovely siblings.

You can NOT do this with this mil from the lowest level of hell.

At best, this man is a fixer upper. But all the cards are stacked against you. Even if you could "fix" him, you won't be able to "fix" mil nor little beauty queen. They are hard broke.

Gooooooooooooooo. Never let them cross the threshold of your new castle. Never.

Disneyfan's picture

I didn't read all of the OP or any of the other post. I just have to ask why are you still with this man? You don't like the way he parents and he doesn't lIke your 9 year old. Why should your child have to grow up in a home with this man who dislikes her?

Why would you live with guy instead of renting an apartment until you could move into your house?

Rags's picture

You don't need advice, you need to grow some spine. This POS treats you and your kids like shit and you even remotely entertain him moving in to your home? Really?

Buy your home, move, and leave this idiot to wallow in the toxic cesspool of his own making. A 4yo who needs her ass bared and blistered by a belt, and his mother who needs to be frog marched out of his home and loaded into a police car then restrained by court order.

Nope, you don't need this. Move on. Find a man with a set of balls that are not kept in his 4yo daughter's Hello Kitty backpack or his mother's granny bag.

fedupstep's picture

Listen to everything everyone is saying here. Leave. Don't look back. If this child is a terror at 4, imagine her at 16. Simply tell him you're leaving, don't be talked out of it and for the love of god do not let him move in with you! Run far and run fast! You amd your children deserve better.

fedupstep's picture

Listen to everything everyone is saying here. Leave. Don't look back. If this child is a terror at 4, imagine her at 16. Simply tell him you're leaving, don't be talked out of it and for the love of god do not let him move in with you! Run far and run fast! You amd your children deserve better.

babygirl35's picture

I do believe we have different styles of a lot of things. Hearing how the child is with her mother and how she is here I have realized it us solely bc she is spoiled by him and his parents. The last couple of days his mother has played the pity party at him telling him hell hurt his daughter if he takes her away from them and he shouldn't treat her that way. And to answer the question why I'm living here and not renting bc i couldn't afford it bc I was putting so much money down into buying a home I didn't see a point in renting and buying at the same time. The little beastie will be here tomorrow and I dread it. I loathe it more than I ever have anything and it's frightening. I know once she's here hell change and his parents will change and it'll be a nightmare. We are literally unable to get this child to enjoy anything but her mother sends pictures of her in ballet and with her step sister with smiles and happiness and we can't so much as take a photo of her. My bf doesn't know how to be a dad. He doesn't know the first thing on how to know the difference between punishing a child for doing wrong and buying her a toy everytime we go to the store. But this isn't a life I want for my kids or myself. My kids wouldn't dare act this way nor have they ever. And I doubt I'll have to worry much about telling him not to move in bc once he tells the little terror tomorrow he won't anyway. She is the key in every decision regardless. And I get walked on or my kids bc of it

Rags's picture

Will you please stop putting any consideration in to this POS asshole. Please. Do yourself and your own children a favor. Move on, dump his useless ass and move on to a happy life. Next time, accept only a man of complete and total character who will be additive to your life rather than detracting from it.

Who cares about him or what his spawn or parents think? Leave them to wallow in the stench of their shallow and polluted gene pool. Execute your exit plan and as you are putting your last bag in the car tell him he will not be joining you in your new home and in your new life.

Please. Respect yourself enough to just cut your losses and move on. NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!!!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Yes, dear. I didn't catch the part about the alcoholism either when I first responded to you. Alcoholism is a serious thing and you can never ever "fix" that for him. He has to do that himself and only then will he begin to be fit as a partner for someone, preferably someone who has experience with this.

Tell yourself the time between now and when you move in to your new house is his time to change your mind. Start detaching emotionally and just observe him. Also get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. Share your story there. Get some feedback there. Hey, the Al Anon meeting is a good place to be when step-critter shows up!

Learn as much as you can about the alcoholic family dynamic and about yourself and your bf's parents personality disorders during this time. Hopefully on moving day you will have a lot of organized and educated thinking about the situation you were in. You will know what indicators you would have had to observe to see if there is "hope" for your relationship with him.

Then you can tell yourself you tried, you gave him every chance, you gave them every chance -- now it's YOUR chance! Walk out held high and DO NOT LOOK BACK!

ChiefGrownup's picture

OK, somehow I missed a lot. Like the part where you already notice he doesn't really want you anyway and if you could you would have already left.

So. Stop worrying about him. Start paying him some rent if you can-make it all business. If you can't pay rent, just stay the hell out of the house as much as you can. Keep your kids with you, of course, when you leave.

There. That's it. It's just business. No emotions necessary.

babygirl35's picture

I've already told the kids he won't be coming with us. I've pretty much made up my mind and realized that this is way too much for me to handle. And the little beastie won't be allowed to treat my kids or me like crap anymore. Or him.

Rags's picture

Biggrin Biggrin Biggrin

babygirl35 Cheers on your very intelligent and mature decision. Never tolerate a person in your life and in your children's lives who does not bring more than they take in the relationship.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your new begining.