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Adult Stepson - wants father to feel guilty

Ocean007's picture

Married 13 years to a wonderful man. He has a 26 year old son (non-biological) from a previous relationship. I have a 24 daughter from a former marriage. When there are issues with our kids, his perspective on my daughter's handling of things, is different than of his son. When we were first dating, he and his son would come to my condo and we all would spend the weekends together. His son resented me from day one, cried all the time (he was 13 years old at the time) unless my husband took him to the Mall and bought him an expensive toy, or cry if we didn't eat at the restaurant we wanted. When I would speak to him he would ignore me or pee all over the bathroom toilet and not clean up. When I kept trying to talk to my husband about this, he would tell me to "relax, he's just a kid". I even tried to reach out to the boy's Mom to see if she would be willing to help and for doing so, my husband left me and my daughter for two weeks. No matter how hard I tried to bond with his son, as I was elated that I was going to have a son, he made it clear over and over to me he wasn't going to have it. I blame my husband for most of this. My husband racked up his credit cards over gifts for his son and his son's mother (his former girlfriend) and was in debt when I met him. The son's mother had cheated on my husband, that's what broke up their relationship. The mother of his son even called once after quitting her job, asking my husband to help with her car payments. We got married, beautiful wedding, had our children as our best man and maid of honor. Gave them each a beautiful necklace that symbolizes us becoming a family together and kept trying to encourage both children what a great life the 4 of us were about to have. I've ready every book out there on stepparenting, etc. Gone to pastors. We purchased a home together and it was like pulling teeth when my stepson was in his late teen's to get him to come visit. This past year, he's blown us off 4 times, just told his Dad he is an awful father and will only meet with is fathe "alone". His mother and grandmother were evicted from their condo and he moved in with his girlfriend. I am so hurt by this non-stop, 15 year manipulation by his son. My daughter and my husband always got along great, until a recent argument over the summer in which my husband asked my daughter to leave (she was living with us) and told her never to come back again. My daughter moved in with my sister. A few months ago however, my husband did try to apologize and reach out to her, but she is not ready. I feel like although I knew this young man that was raised like a son to him may have some resentment towards his Dad's new partner, I never would have imagined that my husband would cater to him the way he does and not encourage him to be part of our family. Instead, my husband talks to him when I'm not around and gives him hope they can get toether without me. I thought marriage was a covenant "forsaking" all others meaning husband and wife give preference to one another and that kids need to understand there is one relationship in the family that transcends all other relationships and can't be toyed with. Although I love my husband very much, I'm thinking about leaving as its not right to ask him to make a choice, even though his son clearly is.

Comments

misSTEP's picture

So this kid isn't even his biological kid? But yet he manipulates your DH into putting you in debt for him??

Yeah, I don't think that this guy is fit to be a husband much less a parent, even to an adult "child."

Ocean007's picture

No, but he strongly considers him his own son as he raised him from birth. This all happend when my husband was only 21 years old. He and his ex decided for some reason not to tell the father of the child. I was never told why and my husband won't discuss it. He loved this young man and raised him as if his own. Once we decided to get married, I had him pay off all his credit card debt and start fresh. He was very eager to start over, but his son was already 13 by then and had gotten use to expensive toys and being catered to. My husband unfortuantely didn't have the heart then, or now, to teach him properly. When his son realized that now that his Dad was with me and money couldn't be spent like this all the time and Dad wanted to include me on the weekend outings, etc. His son just couldn't stand me. I've held a broken heart for 15 long years over this. My husband hasn't seen him in one year, phone calls only. He refuses to come to our house. He wants to meet with my husband "alone" and call him only during work hours. My husband claims he tries to tell him he wants us all to be together for a nice dinner, to bring his girlfriend, etc. but his son doesn't want it. I think for closure I need my husband or his son to tell me what I've done wrong. I only texted his son once in 15 years and that was last year when for the 3rd time he blew us off and that 3rd time happend to be last Father's Day when my daughter and I were having a BBQ for my husband. His son knows he's always free to bring his girlfriend or other friends down if that helps with any potential awkwardness, but he's not interested. The other day after all these years I gave my husband an ultimatum that if he doesn't stand up for by telling his son that the only way he's willing to participate is us as a group (and not alone) then I am leaving. Ive never said or done anything like that before and I felt so guilty for doing so, that this morning I sent my husband text saying I'm sorry, to follow his heart, go out alone with his son. I am at wits end.

Most Evil's picture

Let SS stay away and just ignore it. He sounds miserable to be around anyway! Tell your h. to handle him however he wants, then just go on with your life.

I was very hurt when my sd treated me this way, but ignored it (oh wait I did tell her off when she was 17) but eventually she came back around.

Don't let this spoiled brat ruin your life and marriage. Let any ruining only be done to your husband, as what do you care if you never see the little brat, 26 years old, wow??