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It's their house, too?

nengooseus's picture

DH and I were discussing this topic this weekend. I hear a lot of people argue that kids of divorce have two houses. Maybe if there's 50-50 custody, but in a visitation situation (like we're in), I think they live in one house and *visit* the other house.

How about you all? What's your thinking on it?

Evil stepmonster's picture

I felt the same. They had a room which was "theirs" and they had belongings, but it was not their house. Their father always wanted it to be their house too, but they don't respect their house, they damn sure were going to respect mine. Once you start telling them it's their house too, they will treat it as if it belongs to only them and you are their made. Not worth it to me.

hereiam's picture

Nope.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

SO and I had this same conversation a few weeks ago in regards to visitation. I consider skids as house guests, however he considers them living with him (only part time) and their house as well.

Heck, even when I was growing up, my step-dad told me I was a guest in the house I lived full time! At that time I didn't get it, but now that I'm an adult I do. I, nor the skids pay for the house, so no, it was not my house and living somewhere means you live there full time. Otherwise, they are house guests and only visit...which also means that house guests can overstay their welcome.

Jcksjj's picture

Agree with this. Even with bio kids parents will say its their house and their rules. I tell my bio all the time he can make the rules when he's an adult and has his own home. 

nengooseus's picture

It makes DH sad (not bad, but enough) that they don't think of our house as "home," and that they think of BM's as home. Maybe because they're with us 8 days a month (except during the summer, when they're with us for ungodly periods of time)? My daughter thinks of our house as home, and her dad's as visiting, too. I think that's totally rational.

Meanwhile, I feel angry that I have to have rooms set aside for them in my house. Literally 500 square feet of our house are not used by us because they're dedicated to the skids and their stuff. DH reminds me that we use their rooms as guest rooms, but that's not using them to me. We have guests about once every blue moon...

Ninji's picture

When we were looking at the house we currently live in, I told SO that it was too small for us. He said, SKids are only with us on the weekends :?

Yeah, because after they leave, the two rooms that hold all their crap magically turns into a home gym and a home office and turns back into Skids rooms every Friday.

SO now agrees that it's too small. Men!

forever2's picture

Psychologically, it is easier for me to think of SS as a guest (an uninvited guest) at best, even though we have 50/50. I couldn't get thru the days thinking of my home as "his house," although as anyone can see from my previous posts, both hubby and SS view the house as theirs and I am treated as a tenant who pays but makes none of the decisions. Anyway, in my mind, this whole idea is new age parenting garbage either way. A house belongs to the two (or one) mature adults that pay the mortgage. These two adults should make decisions regarding the home. The kids stay there until they are mature enough to buy their own home, at which time...they have theirs. Is the home where I was raised 20years ago by my married parents mine? No, it is theirs and I don't think of it any other way. Kids shouldn't decide who what when or how about a house because it isn't theirs. That's the adult's job and unhealthy for those roles to be reversed. My hubby gives SS all kinds of decision making authority in our house in a pathetic quest for SS to "feel comfortable in HIS home." Never mind his wife is totally uncomfortable, not even knowing which slimy teenager I will find in my home because no one bothers to ask me if SS can have friends over. Hubby's dream world is one in which he and SS share their home, and all friends and girlfriends and various other strays are free to come and go as they please (with muddy shoes and greasy hands of course). My dream world is one in which I can walk to the laundry room in my underwear without bumping into someone who isn't supposed to be there! There is a key difference between skid's home versus skid as a visitor/guest. Guests need reservations and don't wander in randomly on a whim and guests don't make decisions regarding the home. That boundary needs to remain in place for the sanity of the current wife.

Stressed19's picture

Rules!!!! I do not like any company unless asked first. Given stepkids are all teenagers. Definitely no boys or girls over!!!! Unless there is a family event or bday happening! Too much liability to have someone else's kids at my home.

Stressed19's picture

Rules!!!! I do not like any company unless asked first. Given stepkids are all teenagers. Definitely no boys or girls over!!!! Unless there is a family event or bday happening! Too much liability to have someone else's kids at my home.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

People who view kids as visitors don't tell the kids that! Geez!

And if a kid is going to be treated as a visitor and not someone who lives in the house, as in helping out around the house, cleaning up their messes, not being waited on hand and foot, then they are a visitor. If they are to be considered "home" then they can act like its their home too instead of some VIP that shows up a few days a week.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

I'm not referring to what the kids think or what their say is in things, we're talking in this thread about how husbands and wives see the differences. See the part the OP posted about ("DH and I were discussing...").

If DH wants the kids to think of the marriage home as the kids homes, then they should be expected to help out, clean up and pull their weight. However when he wants to wait on them and do everything for them when they are plenty old enough to do for themselves, that is someone that is considered a guest, not someone that lives in the home.

Disneyfan's picture

There are parents in intact families who don't parent. Their kids do not help around the house and the parents cater to them.

Divorced people haven't cornered the market on being useless parents.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

Yep, but in intact families, the issue with whose house the kids live at, versus whose house they visit isn't applicable.

Disneyfan's picture

If the adults on the home allow kids to get away with not cleaning up, doing chores....that's on tgem not the kid. W tee

justthegirlfriend13's picture

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....

Steppingaside's picture

I prefer my SKids to see my home as if they are visitors. I don't want them to feel at home and do chores. I cringe when they open my fridge or help themselves to food from my cupboards. I hate when the lounge all over my sofas with their feet up. I want them to respect MY home as a visitor would. I do everything I can to stop them doing any chores because I see chores as something done by someone who lives there. And they don't live here. And they never will. 
I also like many in this thread absolutely resent the amount of space taken up by two kids who are here for 8 days a month. It drives me out of my mind!!

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

I believe both houses are home. They just happen to spend more time in one than the other.

momandmore's picture

It's their house too in my case. They don't go to another parents house to visit.

I would like to think that even if it were different, I would feel the same but I don't know.

forever2's picture

Hey fintincrazytrain, that is a really good point I wanted to make too. Skids that act like guests and expect to be waited on hand and foot and do absolutely nothing in return to act like they are part of the home or care about the home can't have it both ways. You act like a guest, don't expect us to consider it your home. Act like you give a crap about where you have the privilege to live and the story may be different. Skid in our case (age 16)won't even flush a toilet (no, sadly I'm not exaggerating). He expects dad not just to do his laundry, but to gather it from his floor too. He whines like an infant if he has to get his own glass of water. If he is generous enough to mow the lawn, it is after he negotiates payment terms...sounds like a guest to me.

P.S Absolutely love your last line...never heard that one. Thanks for the laugh. My first one today.

zerostepdrama's picture

Before me, the skids saw DH's house as a 2nd home. When we moved in together, that changed.

For me, I saw them as visitors. They weren't on a regular schedule. They didnt particpate in anything in the house/family. They came over whenever they wanted.

So for me, it wasn't their "home".

Their home is with BM where their loyalty lies.

zerostepdrama's picture

Adding... we didnt function like a family, so to me that is what made the difference.

SS lived with DH (and then me when we moved in together) but still spent a lot of time at BM's. It was his home because his stuff was there and that was his address.

Sports Fan's picture

DH moved into the house that I shared with BS. DH, BS and I consider the house to be our home. DH and I renovated and made new rooms for skids when he first moved in over three years ago. We went all out so they would feel at home. It never happened. They never treated our house as their home. They would not participate in trying to be a family. And now they are so PASed out they don't even want to come but are forced to.

My BS says he has two homes. He didn't even have a room at his dad's house for the first two years after our divorce but still thinks of it as his home because he has a good relationship with his dad.

Whether you feel something is your home isn't about the amount of time you spend but your feelings/relationships with the people involved.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I own my home, not my SO or his skids, so in my case as long as everyone is respectful then they are all free to use my home as their own. I was a child of divorce, the oldest of ten children and had 3 step dads and 2 step moms. I would have considered my home as my moms even though I was at my dads EOWE. As adult when I moved from one city to the other I realized "home" isn't what city you are from but simply where all your stuff is at which I guess is the same reasoning I came up with determining I associated my home base as my mothers home.
I understand it isn't the skids fault that they only "show up a few days a week" but it isn't my fault either. They have adorable bedrooms that act as a guest room and a weight room in their absence but since disengaging I don't worry about how comfortable they are anymore.

The boy skid has commented a few times that he likes being at my home more than his moms house. I think he says this because my house is clean, he loves his super cool room, they have chores to do, we eat a home cooked dinner together every night, over all I think it is the structure we provide that he enjoys even though he would tell you he could do without the chore list, lol.

Stressed19's picture

Question: My situation has changed from stepkids every other weekend 2015 to 2018 to every other week. I was happy for him and from 2018 to present this has been the case 16, 15, 13. Now, stepkid #4 from a different biomom, which grew up with biomom in another state decided to move in with us (I was never asked)... Stepchild came to visit one summer and never left. 3 years later will be graduating from high school and I want stepchild to return to biomom!!!! Child well will be 18 this year and doesnt want to leave, dad wants her to stay....  Am I wrong for standing my ground!!!! Dad and I have had strong arguments, I am willing to have him move out my home if he does not see my perpective or stand by my decision.

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

Well I think it's up to how each person feels. Dh will say its our family home. Technically the house is DH's, in his name, I pay the mortgage, so it's mine too I guess or do I rent from dh, LOL

My kids stay with me 49% to their dad's 51%, they call both home, however they are with me right much.

The SDs only come over EOWE, if they feel like it, it's usually like maybe 12-15 days a year really. They say BM's is their home but OUR house is their DAD's house. Really?? Interesting, because when we rented it was in my name and the skids still said it was DAD's house. I don't even care. What burns me up is when they like to say we only visit DAD, so they don't have to do any chores but hey it's their house too when they think they can decide what we are doing or getting.

Essentially it's DH's, Mine, DD18mo, 100% fulltime home. I never specifically tell them that they are visitors but I feel like the SDs are visitors because of the way they treat me and disrespect my furniture (yes mine).

mom2futuresuperhero's picture

Horseshit. Bottom line if your name ain't on the deed it is not YOUR home. I have a biological and a step. But the hubs and I pay the bills. It is OUR house. When you get a J O B buy your own house. In the mean time pick your shit up off the floor and turn down the tv. You are rattling the windows. We have an ongoing issue about playing ball in the house. All of them. The kid. The skid. AND the DH. So I flat out told all of them you break my shit I will make you wish the fires of hell will consume you. And that is a stone. cold. fact. I work. My husband works. We provide a home for you little shits. You fuck with me and we are going straight out Amish. I will have the electric turned off. Know it. Skids/kids that go back and forth-a home will be provided for you. But if you want your own home work and earn it. This is why all these little fuckers still live at home at 40. Skid or kid. I could not wait to get my own place. I may not be much but I PAY my own way and answer to NO one. I tell my own biological fatheroccasionally because he is nuts. MY Parents have been married almost 50 years. I love them but IF I ever had to live with them I would literally sell my soul or vagina to whomever to move. on. out. Independence. Let freedom ring.

Mikhaila87's picture

We have the skids every weekend, they spend more time at our house as she gets rid of them at every opportunity. My partner moved into my house. However the kids call it daddies house...never bothered me to I have not thought of it. It is MY house. But our home, its the kids home at the weekend and if I thought any different then it might become an issue. They call their "home" with BM...mummy's house...so those poor kids don't call anywhere home.

babygirl35's picture

My bf and i are moving in together and he has 50/50. My kids are here everyday and will have their own rooms and his daughter will share with my youngest and it isnt going over well. The kid has a room at both grandparents and her mothers home. She doesnt live with us persay and its our home but at 4 she runs everything and ever decision. Its absurd this kids has everything and its like i should still bend over backwards when shes here when she has more bedrooms then i ever had combined.

Rags's picture

Not an easy situation whether you consider your home your Skid's home too, or just consider your Skid as a visitor in your home.

I am in the "two homes" camp myself. If the kid's parent lives in the home, the home is the kid's too. This means that the kid has responsibilities in both of the homes just as the other children resident in either or both homes have responsibilities.

A guest is treated entirely differently than a resident and I for one would not consider a Skid on visitation to my home or resident in my home on a more permanent basis to be a guest.

caninelover's picture

When SD23 was 18 and in college they lived with me in my house, had a room, etc.  It was home then. 

I object to them referring to it as home now that they are 23 and have been (forced) to clear out as they are no longer welcome to live here.  They whine about not having a 'home' and getting kicked out of the 'familial home' but they are 23 and it is their responsibility to make a home for themselves now.  I also don't consider them family and have told them the same.

Rags's picture

Being considered as family is a status that has to be continually earned IMHO.  Toxic people are not family, regardless of who they may be.

IMHO of course.

EveryoneLies's picture

Never thought about this. SS hasn't seen his bio mom for a year now, no calls either. It's hard to say her house (which she shares with non-relative roommates) SS's home. But I also am very reluctant to say "you can come home anytime" once he's grown. I don't treat the boy like a visitor or guest, I'm just really not into being the mom for him. 

strugglingSM's picture

When we first moved into our house, I was sold on the idea that SSs should consider our home their home. Over the years, however, it become clear that they treat our home as if they're visitors and expect to be treated like hotel guests (e.g. entertained, catered to, picked up after) when they are with us, so I gave up. This is not their home and we are not their "family". Their home and family are BM and her DH. DH is just someone to entertain them on the side.

Rags's picture

Every place we have lived since marrying I have always considered our family home.  It is SS's home. Period.

Even my parent's home which is our extended family home base is my SS's home.  His grandparents would not have it any other way.

He makes it pretty easy by considering our home his home.... and.... by being respectful of us, our home, the extended family, etc....