Tragic news
Forums:
Our friend's husband has died over the weekend in horrendous circumstances. He does an extreme sport and died due to a freak accident where someone else died also. I know this doesn't have anything to do with my step kids etc but I need some advice and my question is this-: my husband wants her to move in with us as we have a spare bedroom, essentially indefinitely. Is this a good idea?
I know I sound selfish but I would find it very difficult living with someone with no end date who is going through a very difficult grieving process. They only got married a little over a year ago.
Thoughts much appreciated.
Thanks notasm. That's my gut
Thanks notasm. That's my gut feeling but I just wanted to get some view points to confirm I am not being totally selfish and mean spirited. My husband and I only got married ourselves in sept and I feel it would be a real impingement having not only someone else there who will be totally relying on us but going through a terrible time. I would find being at home very stressful.
Nope, not a good idea. Why on
Nope, not a good idea. Why on earth can't she stay in her own home?
Financially it won't be
Financially it won't be viable for her We live in a large expensive city where rent is huge! My husband wants to be a good friend and take the pressure off her until she gets sorted enough to get a housemate or whatever. I totally get that but someone moving in indefinitely worries me. Big time.
My condolences to your
My condolences to your friend.
Your H should just sit tight and let her grieve and get through the process. If/when she comes to you for help, at that point sitting down and outlining her options would be acceptable. You cannot have two grown women in one household. Especially one that has been recently widowed. That is just asking for trouble all around.
They may have had life insurance or some other way for her to live in the event of his death. At least I would hope they have life insurance if her husband engaged in extreme sports.
She is originally from abroad
She is originally from abroad living in Sydney so her family are on the other side of the world you see.
If anything you go stay with
If anything you go stay with her for a while and leave DH at your home.
My condolences to you an DH for the loss of your friend of course to his wife.
I agree, this is a horrible
I agree, this is a horrible idea. It's sweet to think of her, but her being vulnerable could cause so many problems for you and your marriage. You guys can be there in other ways; maybe bring her dinner a few nights, but I would leave that responsibility of offering a place to stay up to a single girlfriend of hers (if she really does need to move in with someone).
One of the couples we are
One of the couples we are friends with have a co-located work life thing going. He is out of town M-F arriving home late Friday evening. My wife and I take her to dinner with us usually at least one evening per week. If we go grocery shopping during the week we offer to take her with us. As ladies can't drive where we live and we are going anyway we let her know and are happy to take her with us. I also am happy to pick her up and take her to appointments, etc... though I always pick my bride up first and the two ladies are together.
We temper the situation to ensure that our private couple time is not infringed and to ensure that our marrital bond is not jeapardized.
We have allowed a friend to stay with us for months at a time upon occassion and though neither of us worried about our marriage it was a strain on our own relationship and home life. Invariably we informed our guest that it was time for them to step up and get their own place. Interestingly from my perspective the tensions were higher when the guest was male Vs. female as the ladies have a girl friendship bond thing that smooths the process out while the guy guests seem to let their testosterone cause their stay to be less smooth.
I would caution against allowing the grieving widow to move in to your marrital home. Support her, be there for her, but let her have her own space to grieve and move on.
This is a terrible idea.
This is a terrible idea.
That was one thing DH and I agreed on a long time ago: nobody lives with us. Not a friend, not a family member. It is very hard on a relationship.
That would be really hard for
That would be really hard for me. I'm so sorry for your friend however I completely understand your views.
Even my best friend in the world whom I love and adore - I wouldn't want her living at my house with me and my husband. My brother moved in 2 years ago and I can't get rid of him although he does have his own suite in the house and we barely see him. It's not that I don't trust my husband but it's a lot of strain on any one to be care giver to someone who is grieving and can lead to many mixed emotions. I guess perhaps I could say '1 month and then done' but an indefinite end date? No. Way. She needs her family.
Not a good idea. Having been
Not a good idea. Having been widowed very young, I will tell you she needs to grieve alone and not with people watching every move. She should move home, not with you.
bad bad bad idea. no good
bad bad bad idea. no good deed goes unpunished. Go watch that movie "the hand that rocks the cradle"
Sorry for the loss for you
Sorry for the loss for you and your friend.
Sounds like your DH is "in the moment" and thinking of a way to help "fix it". I dont think he has any intentions of crossing the boundary with this woman. (or it could be totally opposite) I think with men when they find themselves in a tough situation or sad situation, etc they jump to try to fix the situation without really thinking it through.
I think its a bad idea though. No matter what, never bring another adult into your home.
I trust my DH 100%+ but I would still do whatever I need to do to protect our marriage. I always take preventive measures to ensure no issues later down the road.
While I am very sorry for
While I am very sorry for your friend's loss, that is very tragic, moving her in with you guys is not a good idea. I cannot imagine that she would even expect to move in with you. Surely she has some family or an income of her own? I know it sounds harsh but offering her emotional support (going out to dinner with her, taking her to the movies) being "there" for her, to talk, just for you guys to listen, is the normal type of support. I cannot even imagine her being ok with moving in with you??