I have been disengaged as much as I can be, until a greasy, unshowered skid is sitting at my dinner table. I don't cook anymore.

I'm going to fully disengage and not even speak to them. I need to protect myself. I have had it with this crap.

I owe no one a damn thing. Except for myself. I am NOT the problem here.

He is on the phone with the school guidance counselor. They had a field trip yesterday that dealt with the topic of bullying. Then SD13 gets home and is all upset. So much so that DH met me in the driveway when I got home and told me not to give her any crap, because she's had a bad day. SD13 is hell bent on using her boy name now and not waiting until the next school year.

Oh and that's supposed to solve all of her problems and teenage angst?

DH had said, and I agreed, that we would continue to call her by her given girl name, because that's who she is to us. I told DH this morning that's what I would continue to do.

DH is talking to GC now about what if she starts to use her boy name now and gets challenged by boys? She's the smallest girl in her class.

This clearly is going to continue to be a problem. So what if I don't support using her boy name? Either does her father.

~ Moon

We have only just started arguing, because rather than being just disengaged, I have started speaking up more -- since about Novemebr or so. Esp with SD19 and that damn hedgehog issue. Yes, I am quickly running out of energy. I can't seem to think clearly in the moment because I am so upset and angry that DH is blaming ME. Then, if I DO speak up and put it on him, he leaves the room. That is my choice. Speak up and tell him to get his ass in gear, like people here have stated, or just get the hell out. Instead of an apartment for the summer, maybe I can go live with my parents. They have a huge home. I'd be at one end and they are at the other. I would have an awesome commute, too! I would pay rent, etc and take the summer OFF

What to do? Sigh......

~ Moon

My pets would stay with DH. They would be cared for but THEY (DH and SDs) would have to clean the house!

So, to elaborate further on #2 from my shit list above, ...EAVESDROPPING...Wednesday afternoon I came home and DH was in the kitchen. We were chatting and the house was very quiet. I asked where SD13 was? DH said she was in her room, she had had a bad day at school. Stupid me, being compassionate only because I care about my DH, asked what had happened?

Evidently the class was divided into girls and boys in gym and SD13 wasn't allowed to be on the boy's side for activities. Keep in mind she is 5' tall, 105#, very petite. Anyway, DH said she walked out of gym class and ended up crying and was very upset. I asked if she got into trouble for just walking out? Did the teacher come speak with her, etc....? As usual, DH doesn't know.

We carry on our conversation quietly at the kitchen table, and then suddenly out walks SD13 from the next room, a goofy grin on her face. She starts adding to our conversation about whatever it is that we are talking about now, regarding her. I was so pissed at how rude she was!! To just APPEAR out of nowhere! I had been home for 5 minutes and already StinkBug13 shows me how nice and respectful she can be. The girl is clueless!

ME: Did you just come downstairs and WALK through that room, or have you been there this entire time?
SD13: I've been in there reading (lights out, shady, it's dark in there, whatever).
ME: I don't appreciate you eavesdropping on your father and I having a conversation "SD19!"
(I called her by OSD19's name because SD19 likes to think if anyone is talking about her, it's her business. She is paranoid that someone might not love her or think highly of her, ODD bitch. Anyway.....).

DH doesn't say anything, probably humming "Its a Small World" to himself in true Disney fashion, and SD13 just stands there, speechless with a goofy-ass grin on her face because I've reprimanded her.

ME: The next time you hear us having a conversation, you leave or make it KNOWN that you are here. Your father said you were upstairs in your room. And why do you have that grin on your face?! (I was firm!)
SD13: Duh-uhhhhhhh ::crickets::
ME: You know, SD13, your father and I are having a tough time adjusting to everything with you wanting to be a boy, too, just like YOU are. You seem to think it's funny or something?
SD13: (cue more ::crickets::)

I recall that when SD13 was eavesdropping, I was being compassionate and reminded DH that when we met with the school guidance counselor, it was DH that suggested we wait until the fall when HS started for SD13 to assume a boy's name at school. DH agreed with me and I told him I was on board with whatever happened. I told him that we had both agreed we would still use her girl name, because that's who she is to us.

Well, come to find out, it wasn't the fact that SD13 wasn't on the boy's team in gym that upset her. NO ONE picked her to be on their teams. Boys or girls. For volleyball. She is SHORT. She was the last kid standing at gym and ran out of the room upset. I said that maybe the girls didn't pick her because they thought she wanted to be with the boys? Or vice versa? That's when she said that no one chose her, and that no one knows she wants to be a boy?!?!?! :jawdrop: I don't believe that to be true amongst 13 year olds. SD13 used her boy name, wrote it on her papers the first week of school, a mere few days after declaring her new identity to DH and I.

This kid is so isolated and has maybe two friends. One will hang out with her a little bit because her mother is the Girl Scout leader and tries to include SD13 in things. (DH and I are grateful for this saint.) The other friend talks to her on the bus. They used to hang out every weekend together last school year, but no more. Her friend on the bus is the only one that SD13 told her secret to, and her friend didn't want to accept it, but is still nice to her. She just never invites SD13 over for sleep-overs. Ever.

I just don't understand how SD13 changed her identity overnight. Maybe DH and I missed it? There were no signs. NONE. She was a girl, wanted to buy her first bra, wanted to play with dolls, all at this time last year. I feel like she hates herself and wonder how she can beat herself up so much. She is regressing to act like a very juvenile child, whining for attention from DH by acting like an ass and a space cadet.

It makes me sick.

So, I think the reason SD13 was so upset the next day, on Thursday, when DH met me out in the driveway, was because I actually had the balls to reprimand her the previous day for eavesdropping. Also, because she heard what she heard, I am not "supportive?" Whatever. I might have to sell DH one of my balls. This is cray cray.

~ Moon

SD13 thinks she knows what to expect. She has no idea what will come her way in HS. Kids can be very cruel. I fear she'll get picked on, or if she stays below the radar then she'll whine that she has no friends. You know, because everyone is supposed to magically like her with no effort put forth on her part (sounds like woe-is-me OSD19). Try taking a shower first and respecting YOURSELF SD13, then people may come around and want to be your friend. DH keeps saying that "I" think she'll grow out of this, while he thinks this is it, she'll be a boy. I always reply that we'll never know until we know. There is no end in sight. This skid is just juvenile and ridiculous. I have barely said two words to her this weekend and I have never done that before. I am truly avoiding her in my own home because I am disgusted and frustrated with her. I have camped out in my room, doing my own thing. Works for me, except I'm "not supportive." Hey, I'm entitled to my opinion and I call bullshit.

Last night DH said the therapist wanted me in the next therapy session for SD13. At the beginning of the school year, I would have been all for it. Now? With a messed up SD13 who can't manage to keep her shit IN the bowl rather than ON the seat, who can't shower without being told, who has unlimited internet access with no boundaries from DH, who never does homework and has low Bs by the skin of her teeth because she can do-over an F on a test for a B or an A, who doesn't pay any attention to SDog in a wet diaper when she gets home, who asks for things from the store when DH RETURNS from grocery shopping......Do you really think I want to invest my time when I've had it up to here?

My reply to DH was, "Oh did she blame all of her problems on me and say I wasn't supportive?" DH said, "No, you're part of the family and the therapist wants us all there." The only thing I can see is me bitching about DH's head in the sand and no boundaries or life skills being shown to SD13. I could talk about lack of hygiene for a week regarding SD13. Then, I can see the therapist excusing it, ENABLING it as typical teen behavior, esp for someone who is going through a transgender identity issue. I personally don't want to be bothered with time off of work and all of that crap right now. I am still too worried about that damn hedgehog coming into my home. I know SD19 will just prance in here in May with it and I will have a heart attack.

I would have to pull a Rags on the therapist and say with regards to SD13 and no hygiene, " Maybe in YOUR gene pool it's 'typical,' but not where I come from!" }:)

~ Moon

Thanks for all of the feedback. I think I am going to skip Easter this year, or go spend it with my parents. I don't want to see SD19 AT ALL, esp with her BoyF because she acts like an ass. I am learning that I can make my own boundaries and I don't have to tolerate people if I choose not to.

I am going to have to talk with DH. He has been very sweet lately, making dinner, bought me nice lotions from the mall, chocolates....Someone here posted that its nice to have those things done for you, but all it does is sweep the real issue under the rug. I know DH is hoping I will forget about the damn hedgehog and just let SD19 come waltzing in here mid-May from school.

I need to ask him to get the hell out for awhile, and just tell him I have had enough. I am tired. I have done so much for these skids, and you guys are right. I have been "in it" for so long that I am accepting day to day life as normal, when it's not. I don't think there's any way to get that man and his kids out of the house, though. Maybe me leaving to stay with my parents would be more feasible. I just know SD19 will act up again with her prissy depressed entitled self, and I do not want to take it. Do NOT. And that fucking hedgehog is not coming in here. DH needs time to find SD19 a place to go for the summer, because it's not going to be here with that hedgehog.

She burned her bridge and can stay the fuck out of my home.

~ Moon

Thanks, dood.

And let me just add this for good measure because I'm pissy and weepy tonight and because I just feel like it:

WHOOPS FUCKING BOO!!!! }:)

Forever and ever!!!! YOU are the bomb diggity! I was using a paper cup in my bathroom while brushing my teeth the other day. They were cups with animals on them. It said "Find the matching hedgehogs" on it.

I almost shit myself and threw it in the trash. The next one had monkeys on it.

We all know how THAT goes around here........NOT my monkeys, NOT my circus!!

~ Moon

Soooo.......I feel like something is looming. Almost feel like I should start another blog, but I just feel like I have to do something now concerning DH. There is an eerie calm before the storm here in my home, that only I can feel. Maybe it's because I am the one who will be steering the ship through this storm and determining the fate of this household.

DH and I are getting along well, but I have this time bomb ticking inside of me. DH hasn't addressed anything as far as SD19 coming home for the summer with that rodent. I want an answer already. I know he doesn't have one. I suppose that when I say "No," to celebrating Easter this weekend with DH at SIL's house, he will get a clue. Maybe. There is other family drama going on that will be the focal point of Easter and I just don't see the visit at SIL's as quality time with anyone. Quality time would be either DH and I together, or just me by myself. I've learned not to feel so depressed that it's a holiday and that I SHOULD be doing something significant. Those days are long gone now that I have SD13 FT in my home and SD19 being as ass from afar. Hell, I did my first posts her over the 4th of July.

I don't like confrontation or conflict. I can usually resolve something with a mature conversation. I have come to believe that I am not the crazy one in this dynamic. I have just entered StepHell in all of it's ever loving glory. I know that nothing will be resolved with DH and SD19 and the rodent without me raising my voice and beating the facts into DH's brain. I am a very strong, independent woman, and I don't have time for bullshit. However, I have endured plenty of bullshit, bitten off my tongue, and have grown it back over the past seven years.

Something is going to change. How, I don't know just yet. "You can't fix stupid," never seemed more appropriate than at any other time in my life compared to NOW. I can't fix this. I just can't. DH needs to remove his head from the sand and SD19 needs to get out of diapers already. SD13 is off in fantasyland right now, but she's next as far as total and utter bullshit is concerned. I don't want to give up my husband, my home, my life that is still salvageable, but I can't make these people change.

I think all I can do is ask DH to think of how long I have tolerated this bullshit and how it must feel for me. He needs a dose of MY reality. I need to drive the facts home with him, and there is no pretty way to do it. A few weeks ago I would have tolerated SD19 being in my home, pain in the ass that she is, as long as she didn't have that hedgehog. That was my lightbulb moment. SD19 will continue to be juvenile and ODD because DH enables her. I don't ever want to see SD19 again in my life. She is beyond annoying in my world. How am I supposed to handle that?

Do I want to stand up and fight? Do I want to find the relationship that DH and I used to have? He keeps asking where the "old Moon" is.....It breaks my heart because he is a good man, but he just can't bear to be the bad guy in his DD's eyes. He won't be harsh with discipline. Nothing ever changes.

He's like a 14yo boy. I swear, I have three teenagers and five dogs now. I am approaching middle age and want some normalcy back in my life. This isn't me. I feel depressed now driving home every day. Getting blue, going to a place that should be comforting. My dogs are here but things aren't how they should be, because with DH all I get is radio silence.

Stay tuned.

~ Blue Moon

Yes, it does take a hedgehog. And a defiant SD19 who thinks she can continue to do whatever she wants and not have consequences. I need to get good and mad and make sure she has consequences. DH certainly can't be relied upon to deliver any.

I'm turning into a mess tonight. Everything is so deep, I am really doing some serious thinking. If I had the balls to tell DH "No" about the hedgehog on more than one occasion, and if I had the balls to get a hotel room for a weekend away, then surely I must have the balls to bring this up yet again. I have to be ready for the fallout. DH will be so angry with me, but he has to be angry with himself. The enabling of a snot brat SD19 is his fault. I just want some peace.

I told DH I wasn't feeling well and didn't even eat dinner tonight. I didn't go downstairs. He is glued to the sports channel. I didn't want to be at the table with YSD13. Screw it all. These are MY boundaries. I'm not the whack job in this house. Not me.

~ Moon

Tausha, I am already disengaged for the most part. I don't cook anymore. DH knows not to ask me to take SD13 anywhere as far as appts or after school activities. I only get involved when the kitchen is a mess, which isn't often anymore. I think part of it is I just don't care. I hate getting to this point, but it helps me to keep my sanity.

Dood, DH is being his usual happy self around me. He comes home late and watches sports or whatever. We don't interact much because our commutes are long M-F. On the weekends he is up around 5am to take care of our zoo and then he goes to the gym and the grocery. I get up, get breakfast and do laundry (just for myself and DH, not SD13) all day. I am a homebody and that's fine. It helps to stay put and rest my neck and back. Things are hunky-dory right now but when that rodent gets here.....

Sally, I have to say I agree with you. So, thank you. Even though I know in my gut that nothing has been done regarding the rodent, I think I will stay quiet. You're absolutely right. "No" has already been said numerous times. My take on this is clear. At the end of one of our arguments a couple of weeks ago (while I was at the hotel), DH DID say he told SD19 "she would have to figure it out." Problem is, SD19 has never blatantly NOT been allowed to do what she wants. She is in for a big surprise. And she has no common sense, so she won't be able to figure out shit.

Rags had mentioned that there is no problem until the hedgehog is in my home. When that happens mid-May, I will give DH and SD19 my ultimatum. It will be to turn around, walk back out the door and put the rodent somewhere else. No rodent, no supplies in my home. SD19 only has her stupid self to thank. Why is it that I have to be the one to teach her a life lesson that she should have figured out as a tween or child? If someone says, "No, that's not allowed," well then, dammit, it's NOT allowed. Especially when that person is an authority figure in your life, like a parent or your boss. I just know that SD19 will freak the fuck out but I have gone through that before. I hate it, the screaming, the shots below the belt with all of the insults to me....but I can deal with it, and I actually find it comical. If I could just STFU and stand there, simply telling her she has to leave, who knows? If she refuses to get out of the house do I call the police for a domestic dispute? I DO really fear her getting out of control and possibly hurting me. I'm a big girl, I just need to stand my ground where my home is concerned. Maybe I can call an ambulance and say she's crazy and needs help. Which she DOES. Big time anger issues with SD19 because life isn't fair. Awwwww...... :O

If DH and SD19 don't have a Plan B come May, then oh well, you both had plenty of time to figure something out. Fix YOUR problem and don't make it mine. ANYMORE.

~ Moon

I do like a challenge, Sally. You'd better believe I'm going to record it. That in itself will be my ammo, instead of yelling.

Then I can show the movie to her doctors.

And let's not forget family and friends!

~ Moon

"Calm quiet crazy eye shit" aka SALLY! }:) }:) }:) In your honor, see my tag lines below!

Lord give me strength!

And of course through all of this, my Gma has been in the hospital for two weeks since her husband died mid-March. She's on the left coast and I am on the right. I haven't seen her in 20 years and actually didn't return a call in early February when the hedgehog drama started. So I have been feeling tremendous guilt. Gma actually stopped breathing for two minutes Tuesday afternoon, and I found this out last night from my mother. Gma had a breathing tube assisting her and she still hadn't woken up yesterday from the episode.

Better news today, Mom called the hospital and Gma was awake!! Gma actually got out of bed, no more breathing tube, was sitting up in a chair and talking to my mother on the phone. Poor Gma at first thought my mother was my aunt. Then my mother reminded her it was her eldest daughter. Gma's next words? "Oh hello my darling! How is Moon?"

I am so very grateful for the truly good people in my life. So VERY grateful.

ETA: I offered up the "What if" idea to my Mom today about possibly needing to stay at her place this summer. I told her I feared the worst and would know more in May. She said I could stay for free. I offered to pay rent to help with utilities and also told her I would be there to help after her surgery. Mom said if I left my home then SD19 would be even more of a brat, thinking she had won. I told her that may be true, but me being gone would rock DH off of his foundation. Completely. We'll see.

~ Moon

Yes, I have been budgeting for a short-term lease for the summer months. It would be such a waste of money, but I could do it if I had to and DH refused to help. Just knowing my parents will help is a good thing. Free rent!

Now I am toying with when to tell DH that I'm not going to SIL's for Easter on Sunday. My mother and friends think I should go so I can have a good time for myself. I don't see any way for me to be around SD19. Family will ask how school is, she'll say she got a hedgehog...and then I will ask, "And where are you housing it for the summer while you're at home?" Then Bitchfest 2015 will start. A side of SD19 that the aunt and uncle have never seen. I respect SIL too much to have that shit go down at her house on a holiday.

Or do I want to be evil to SD19 and just ask her point blank in front of everyone and then tell her she's already been told "No?"

Bwahahahaha }:)

~ Moon