Long story....
I have been married for 4 years. My husband and I fight over 2 things. His ex wife who is diagnosed bi-polar and my SS who is 17, diagnosed ADHD and I believe also bi-polar... and while I have been a part of his life for the past 4 1/2 years and tried to be there for him, in this time frame the following has occurred -

SS's Mother has called the police on SS and kicked him out 4 times.

SS's mother has had him committed to Mental facility 2 times

4 weeks after his father and I were married, he threated to kill me and also told me he could kill his father and mother also and not care.

I have been foreced to attend family counseling, therapy sessions regarding SS and his mental issues and mediation because of divorce issues with husband and his ex.

SS has lied repeately, gotten caught, admitted he lied and continues to do so.

Doesn't listen, comes and goes as he pleases with no regard...

Cussed out me, his father, his mother, etc... more times than I could ever count

Cries and whines that no one loves him and that he has no friends

Ignores any responsibilities at home and no punishments have any effect on him

I am at my wits end.
His mother got evicted over 1 1/2 yrs ago, so my SS came to live with my husband and I. We have done everything for him and yet he continues to not listen, lie, threaten suicide to avoid punishment, etc.

This past weekend he lied and when caught he got upset. He then asked to do another afterschool activity and when we said no, he went behind our back to his mother, had her sigh the papers and went anyway. He skipped school on Tuesday and went to his mothers house.

We confronted him when he got home and he became defiant and said that he lies because he dont know better and he cant stop. When pushed on the fact that it was not normal.. he then manipulated the situation and claimed he skipped school because he was afraid of us and he was thinking of committing suicide. I saw this as a way to avoid punishment because this child is not stupid. His father then started to back down from being angry and tried to talk and reason with my SS.

I pushed that he lied and everything else.. I asked my SS why he did not feel safe with us when the fact that his Mother is the one that has had him committed, called the police on him, he has told us he wanted nothing to do with her, etc.. and he did not reply. I believe he is manipulative and knows he can do what he wants at his mothers and everything else. We have given him a stable home, a vehicle to drive and anything he needs, but yet he continues to want to be with her where it is unstable. So when he said he wanted to be with her, my husband told him to pack his stuff and my husband drove him over to her place.

Now my husband is devestated and feels like a failure and feels that he made a mistake. I have tried to be comforting, but I feel like this was needed for our well being... I have lived for over 4 years with turmoil, being in daily drama either with my SS or his mother and I think I should be able to live in peace.... am I wrong??

What can I do to help my husband understand that this child is manipulating him? I have tried!!!

***My stepson had a car with us because he begged to go to a school in a different school district which was better and a car was needed.