Stepson is ruining my marriage... PLEASE... any advice?
Long story....
I have been married for 4 years. My husband and I fight over 2 things. His ex wife who is diagnosed bi-polar and my SS who is 17, diagnosed ADHD and I believe also bi-polar... and while I have been a part of his life for the past 4 1/2 years and tried to be there for him, in this time frame the following has occurred -
SS's Mother has called the police on SS and kicked him out 4 times.
SS's mother has had him committed to Mental facility 2 times
4 weeks after his father and I were married, he threated to kill me and also told me he could kill his father and mother also and not care.
I have been foreced to attend family counseling, hundreds of therapy sessions regarding SS and his mental issues and mediation because of divorce issues with husband and his ex.
SS has lied repeately, gotten caught, admitted he lied and continues to do so.
Doesn't listen, comes and goes as he pleases with no regard...
Cussed out me, his father, his mother, etc... more times than I could ever count
Cries and whines that no one loves him and that he has no friends
Ignores any responsibilities at home and no punishments have any effect on him
I am at my wits end.
His mother got evicted over 1 1/2 yrs ago, so my SS came to live with my husband and I. We have done everything for him and yet he continues to not listen, lie, threaten suicide to avoid punishment, etc.
This past weekend he lied and when caught he got upset. He then asked to do another afterschool activity and when we said no, he went behind our back to his mother, had her sigh the papers and went anyway. He skipped school on Tuesday and went to his mothers house.
We confronted him when he got home and he became defiant and said that he lies because he dont know better and he cant stop. When pushed on the fact that it was not normal.. he then manipulated the situation and claimed he skipped school because he was afraid of us and he was thinking of committing suicide. I saw this as a way to avoid punishment because this child is not stupid. His father then started to back down from being angry and tried to talk and reason with my SS.
I pushed that he lied and everything else.. I asked my SS why he did not feel safe with us when the fact that his Mother is the one that has had him committed, called the police on him, he has told us he wanted nothing to do with her, etc.. and he did not reply. I believe he is manipulative and knows he can do what he wants at his mothers and everything else. We have given him a stable home, a vehicle to drive and anything he needs, but yet he continues to want to be with her where it is unstable. So when he said he wanted to be with her, my husband told him to pack his stuff and my husband drove him over to her place.
Now my husband is devestated and feels like a failure and feels that he made a mistake. I have tried to be comforting, but I feel like this was needed for our well being... I have lived for over 4 years with turmoil, being in daily drama either with my SS or his mother and I think I should be able to live in peace.... am I wrong??
What can I do to help my husband understand that this child is manipulating him?
Agreed. I point out to my
Agreed. I point out to my husband all the time when my SS is being manipulative, not following the rules or directions, not being honest, etc... because my husband dont see it, or dont care... and after having done that for years... now I and the bad guy...
I dont know how to make them understand, I have threatened to leave a few times and basically was told to go... (he would say... go, if thats what you want.. I just want you to be happy)....
But when his son was gone, he acted like I was the enemy and his life was ending...
To answer your questions, my
To answer your questions, my SS is very manipulative. When he was seeing all the doc's he would tell them what they wanted to hear and alot of it was blamed on his parents. Of course there is medication in which my step son has stopped taking because he wants to go into the military. (I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT)... Also... Society now a days does not hold kids accountable.. its always, lets medicate.. heck we had to go to a parenting class in which I blatenly asked the instructor what to do when my step son is in my face threatening to kill me, and I was told that I needed to try and talk to him.. calm him down and find out why my SS was feeling that way and help him work through his issues.... Its BS.
You're playing the blame
You're playing the blame game.
My SS is ruining my marriage.
Society doesn't hold kids accountable.
The problem isn't your SS or society. It's your H and the BM, who are lousy parents and allow their son to get away with anything. Without consequences.
His diagnosis and being a child of divorce has been their excuse not to punish their kid.
Also "We have done everything for him and yet he continues to not listen, lie, threaten suicide to avoid punishment, etc."
What did you think would happen to this kid's attitude when you give them everything and expect nothing in return??
And what is your suggestion
And what is your suggestion then? I have been the one trying to teach the child and give him limits and punishment... But I am the outsider... So you are saying I am to blame?????????? WTF?
Take full responsibility for
Take full responsibility for YOUR life.
Your stepson isn't ruining your marriage. Only you and your husband are married, so if it's being ruined, it's one or both of you ruining it.
Your husband was not a good father and he did not have his ex under control. You shouldn't have to clean up his messes. Parenting classes for someone else's kid?! Um, no.
And as far as taking responsibility...you're in this turmoil because you're getting SOMETHING out of it. Otherwise, why would you put yourself in this position? For love? Please. No man is worth this.
Also, a PERSON (not kid, teen, whatever) who threatened to kill me, himself and his parents would NOT be living with me UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
agree with this. threatening
agree with this. threatening someone like that is a criminal offence. i threw one of the skids out when she told me to go to h&ll to my face.
call the police if he threatens you again or threatens suicide.
Wow, you must have a great
Wow, you must have a great SO. Mine just sat there when his daughter called me a crazy b!tch and told me she hates me and that I am disgusting and horrible, and a bunch of other things.
So I put up with it,
So I put up with it, disengage and hope that my marriage works out or I walk away?
Sounds like no win
You say this kid has
You say this kid has threatened to kill you. Walking away from this marriage can literally save your life. In my book that is a major win.
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This is a child playing Mom
This is a child playing Mom and Dad against one another w you caught in the middle trying to clean up the mess.
ADHD and Bi polar disorder are treatable with the right scripts and therapy.
Threatening to kill you is menacing an arrest able offense. If one of my sons threatened my wife who is their step mom they would be in jail! There has to be consequences and clearly defined boundaries and that starts with you and Dad establishing these and then reinforcing them with the child.
Best of Luck!
Every time he threatens
Every time he threatens suicide call 911 and have him hauled off in the padded van wrapped up in a straight jacket. If he wants to play the suicide threat game then as a responsible adult you must protect him and that means locking him away with the medicated minions in the local asylum.
The only way to counter this kind of toxic manipulation is to bring the full force of consequence and accountability down on this kid like ton of shit in a 1lb bag. If he wants to play manipulation games then step up and win those games by forcing the most severe possible consequences on him.
He will learn ... or he won't but either way you and DH will have done what you can for him.
The way I see it there are
The way I see it there are the practical issues of having to deal with this and the emotional and physical toll it is taking on you. Ultimately, you deserve peace. I don't know if you are religious but I stumbled upon an article today that said that God wants us to have peace in our lives. We should not have to live in constant turmoil and strife caused by others simply for the sake of family or marriage. And yes it was a very liberal approach as most religious articles seem to talk about sticking it out no matter what... for better or for worse. Self-sacrifice with little or nothing in return is not living life to its fullest. I wish you peace my friend.