belleboudeuse's picture

Just found a good article on setting healthy boundaries -- thought I'd share

A couple of people today have written blogs about the perennial problem of getting their BFs/DHs to set and maintain healthy boundaries with their exes. I just found an article that I thought I'd share -- it does a good job of explaining why and how to set healthy boundaries with the ex. Maybe some of you will want to print it out and have your BF/DH read it -- it could spark some "a-ha" moments (one can only hope!).

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewArticle.asp?id=1298

BB

Kb3Hooah's picture

I'm just gonna save it for

I'm just gonna save it for future reference just incase we have a "relapse" LOL

___________________________________________________________________________
β€œSome cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

steppinginsf's picture

oh my goodness- thank you

oh my goodness- thank you for this! A professional to back up what I have been asking for/saying for so long...
thank you!

LMR120's picture

This was good thank you.

This was good thank you.

luckykell's picture

I swear that article was

I swear that article was written specifically for my FDH!! For the first 4-5 months we were together we constantly got in fights b/c I told him he "wasn't divorced"...technically he was on paper, but not emotionally. I sent him this article partly to prove to him that I was right Evil and mostly for the tips it provided! Thanks for posting this!

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

—

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

soverysad's picture

My therapist has told me

My therapist has told me over and over again that boundary setting and consistency in applying boundaries is the single most important thing regarding relationships. They need to be clear, fair and vocalized.

Great article. I will say that it truly does work. Wingnut still acts as though she and dh are still married. He, however, treats her the same way her treats a client. Very businesslike. She HATES it and will actually say "I am not a business person, DH. I am OUR daughter's mother and you need to treat me......." In fact, one of the (many) co-parent therapists they dealt with told dh that he is very cold, aloof and businesslike and that this hurts Wingnut's feelings and causes her to lash out. DH told the therapist in front of Wingnut "This is business. It is not my job to protect her feelings. It is my job to share the appropriate information regarding our daughter. I am no longer her husband and I do not have to consider her feelings. She, however, has to respect how I choose to communicate. She doesn't have to like it". Therapist thought he should be warmer in these conversations but ultimately he convinced her he was right by saying "Our daughter is aware of the fact that we are not together. She has no memory of our being together and I, as her father, think it is important for her to understand that there are all kinds of relationships in the world and how she relates to one person may be different from the next person or different from how I relate to them." Therapist had no argument. Wingnut still tries to over-communicate and pull dh into conversations about their past, her family, her friends, her health, her money problem, etc., but he DOES hang up on her. She's unhappy but dh and I never fight about her.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

—

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

belleboudeuse's picture

"She HATES it and will

"She HATES it and will actually say "I am not a business person, DH. I am OUR daughter's mother and you need to treat me.......""

Yes, DH's ex says the same thing. But the fact is, it works. She may not like it, but it works.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

—

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

soverysad's picture

The misconception is that

The misconception is that people are constantly told that "you need to get along for the kids". And I AGREE with that, but if one party takes that to mean they can do whatever they want and the other party will suck it up "for the kids" it just doesn't work. And in that case what is "best for the kids" is that boundaries are laid out and adhered to, otherwise the kids learn VERY unhealthy ways of relating to others (either they run all over people or they get walked all over).

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

—

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

belleboudeuse's picture

That is exactly the way I

That is exactly the way I put it to my DH. "Do you want your daughters to learn that when they grow up, they should not expect their spouse to treat them well, and that once they have children, they shouldn't expect that their spouse will still require attention?" I think that argument really hit home when I said that as an argument as why the COUPLE should be first priority in a marriage, and not the kids.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

—

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Hanny's picture

My therapist called it

My therapist called it 'emotional enmeshment' when they haven't really terminated their emotional relationship. Great article!

StepChicka's picture

I think this article is

I think this article is great for acramonious situations...ie...where a BM is badmouthing, talking advantage of, or manipulating your SO. The part about the emotional attachment I beg to differ.

My kids Biodad and I are amicable. I can even go as far as saying we're friends so you can say we are emotionally attached in some regards. But, in no way do I have romantic feelings for him or vice versa.

To say that Xs should behave business-like or otherwise they're considered emotionally attached(it implies romantically, right?) is unfounded. Not to mention creating a conjured fear with our romantic partners. At least this is my case and I'm sure there are a few others out there. Please feel free to chime in Smiling I don't like the sound of crickets.

soverysad's picture

I think as long as both

I think as long as both parties moved on emotionally, a friendship is DEFINITELY doable and a good thing for the kids.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

—

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

prayerhelps's picture

thanks for sharing w/us

thanks for sharing w/us