SD23 cut us out of her life for 2 years... now one month before our wedding she wants to talk to her dad
Hi there. A little history. SD was basically abandoned by her mother, and left on my doorstep when she was 8 years old. DH was out of town for work and we had no way to contact him. SD's mother is a wing nut, as well as was a drug user, so dropping her with us was doing the poor kid a favor in life, but I can't imagine my mother leaving me... so SD had a bit of a crap start to life I think. Her dad had always wanted her full time and had fought for her full time, so when he got home he was over the moon that she was with us. I had a rough time adjusting as I didn't want kids and we had only been together one year at the time, but I always told her we were learning together. We were all pretty close, did lots together, lived a good life. We had her in regular counselling (as I did when I was her age) to deal with any issues she may have with her mother or life in general. She had her own room, lots of kids in the area to play with. Now at 23, she never wanted to go to college (her choice, we have grants for school where we live and we offered to help out) but she wanted nothing to do with it. I get it, I hated school and didn't go to college until I was about 23 also. She never wanted to learn to drive, got lazier as she got older, and now at 23 will live with who ever will take her, and works for minimum wage with no aspirations. When she lived with us, I always worked 2 jobs and her dad always worked and we hoped our work ethic would rub off on her. Nope.
Now 2 years ago, she cut us out of her life with no explanation. Blocked us online, changed her phone number, would be cold if we happened to bump into her. I've heard rumors that she is telling people stories of abuse. In no way was she EVER abused. I do know her mother used to slap her on the face and say mean things to her, maybe she's confused? She has been spending time with her mother who has always filled her head with nonsense (the other daughter, SD's sister from a different man) won't speak to either SD or her mother and says they are mean and crazy, so no saying what they've made up now. The mother had always been a nightmare, peeking in our windows, wouldn't answer the door when SD would be coming to visit her (and was expected), we would see her peeking out the curtains. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach when I heard this story of abuse, and haven't been able to tell her dad. He's on leave from work right now with PTSD and has been seeing a counselor to deal with it. I haven't told DH because I didn't want him to be more upset with her and never have a chance to repair it. She's always blurted out crap to get a reaction, then admits to lying or pretends it never happened. Then a few months ago she wanted to meet with me for coffee, so I went to meet her. She asked me for money. I felt kicked in the stomach again, as this was the only reason she wanted to meet. I told her no, and how inappropriate is was to ask as she hadn't spoken to us in almost 2 years at that time. She cut me off again and we haven't talked since then. She scares me.
I forgot to mention, me and DH are getting married May 1, 2015, after 15 years together 
I'm so in love with him and everything about him. He's a sensitive man with a good heart. Now that our wedding is a month and a half away, SD now calls him and wants to get together for supper and talk. I'm 1. So happy that maybe they can have a relationship again, after her call he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. 2. Terrified that she's calling him to tell him her abuse story or asking him for money, which could absolutely break his heart. Along with already dealing with PTSD, and his aunt just passed away from cancer.
My problem, I don't want to tell him any of this in case this is a good meeting and she really wants a relationship. On the other hand, I don't want him to be taken off guard and broken. They used to be like 2 peas in a pod. They even look the same, no mistaking it's his daughter. Now also, I want him to have a relationship with her, but I don't feel that I'll ever be able to trust her, or even want to trust her again. We did everything for her, and we get cut out of her life, but her mother abandons her, and she's on a pedestal.
Any advice? I'm in such a tough spot and don't know what to do. I'm on edge and have been having anxiety attacks over all this.
I know how you feel, I have
I know how you feel, I have watched my husband get kicked in the teeth over and over again by both of his daughters.
There is not much you can do except be there for him. He has to know on some level that he may be disappointed about the reason for this meeting. Only you know if it would be better to prepare him for the worst (does he know about your meeting with her and her just wanting money?) or stay quiet and hope for the best.
I would discuss both possibilities with my DH but again, you know your DH best. Talking it through ahead of time might help if it goes sideways. Are you going to this supper?
I sincerely hope she just wants a relationship with her dad but experience tells me otherwise.
You guys are all right. I
You guys are all right. I know this in my head. I'm very empathetic to peoples feelings and emotions, and my heart breaks for him, but I also know I can't control it or save him, although I wish I could. I'm going to do what I've been doing, just let what happens, happen. Thank you for your honest input.
When you met her for coffee,
When you met her for coffee, why didn't you ask about the abuse rumors?
I agree you shouldn't tell your DH what you've heard. She'll break his heart and you will be there to put him back together.
I would meet and listen to
I would meet and listen to what she has to say. Keep in mind - an adult mind does not fully function until the early 20's.
Also, you never know with children, steps or not. They, in the process of "growing up" sometimes want to cut ties with those they love for whatever reason. As Mark Twain once said when he was growing up" "I thought my father was dumb until I was about 24 and then I was surprised at how much he had learned".
Sometimes, after being horrid, they realize the stupidity of their actions.
Yes, she's 24... does not
Yes, she's 24... does not think like an adult at all. BUT, she really thinks she does. She thinks she's the only one in the world to have cooked, cleaned, had a job, and preaches to anyone that will listen, giving advice that's not asked for. I guess sometimes you try to do the best you can and it still doesn't work. This girl is HUGE on negative attention, always has been. She's attracted to the underdogs, people who need her help, it's like she feels superior then. I will not, and never have feed into this negative attention, I refuse to even acknowledge it. That being said, growing up, I am the one she would share her secrets with, I'm the one who would help with her homework when she was having a meltdown and calm her down and get it done. DH and I went to all her school functions, parent teacher interviews, graduation. I took her on a girl trip to buy her grad dress/18th birthday celebration.
Guess I'm heartbroken too lol.
I forgot about the abuse
I forgot about the abuse accusations. I would not mention those, hopefully he will never hear about them.
I would, however, be tempted to prepare him that she might just want money.
The same thing happened to me
The same thing happened to me with an adopted Daughter. She was 7 years old when my ex and I adopted her and her sister. It seems sometimes early trauma, such as what your SD and my Daughter went through is a hard thing to erase - even when they get to adulthood. When my Daughter was 18 she got on drugs and accused me of abusing her. Thank goodness I had witnesses! Later on, she reestablished contact with me. I was thrilled. I thought we could have a Mother / Daughter relationship. One of the first things she did was to ask for money. I offered to help but told her I had faith in her, that I knew she could be a success on her own. Odd thing - not many calls afterward.
I agree with the other posters, be glad for DH but warn him that she might ask for money - and inform him it will not be coming out of your pocket.
that is because the mercenary
that is because the mercenary little twit wants money and gifts. easy to see through this one. also she needs a wooden manequin with "dad" on the label to walk her down the aisle. donr you love how husbands can be so used by their own children who for years treated them like crap?
You're so stressed out
You're so stressed out because you're trying to control the interaction between him and his daughter, what she says, his reaction and your fiance's happiness. You can't control any of those factors. I would let the two of them meet by themselves and stay out of it.
Maybe she was abused. You never know what went on for 8 years while living with a druggie mother and her lovers. Perhaps she just wants to be heard. "This is what happened to me, this is why I'm messed up and I'm still dealing with it." Reality is not always pretty. If dad wants to give her money encourage him to do it in the form of prepaid counseling sessions.