Here we go again
So I just get a message from my wife that 6 yo SD's school called. Apparently she asked for more computer time because she doesnt want me to be mad at her for asking to use my computer. All this because yesterday, she asked to get on the computer to do the work, I said "Ok, give me a minute", and she proceeded to just stand there and wait for me to do it. I do not appreciate this hovering. Both SDs do it. They do it to their mom and it drives me nuts. If I tell you to wait, then wait. So I told her not to hover over me and to just wait. She sulked away and my wife asked me what happened. I explained, and that was it. Now this? She told her teacher she feels that nobody wants her. I feel she is looking for attention. She is always looking for attention. If my wife asks the 2 yo, "Do you want to color?", here comes SD 6, "I want to color". It never fails. SD 16 does the SAME thing. Last time was when SD 16 told her guidance counselor that I was the problem. Wife visited, and the guidance counselor saw no reason to investigate. Said it was normal teen age drama. This is harder than I ever imagined. I love my wife, I do. I love her dearly, and on those occasions that the kids arent around, we are great. All the stress in our relationship comes from the kids. Both hers, and mine. My kids are not perfect.
*lol* I have to say, if
As for the 6 year old wanting to color too, that's also pretty normal sibling stuff. My BS5 does the same thing. There's enough crayons for them to share, so I try to make it into a sibling bonding thing. Like "BS5, you draw such great stars! Do you think you can teach BS3 how to do that?" (BS3 *worships* his older brother and LOVES this attention, so win-win.)
Honestly, it sounds like (from just this post) what you have here is a failure to communicate. You THINK you've said, "I'm using the computer right now. You may have it when I'm finished. Go play." Your skids THINKS you've said, "Stand here for a minute and I'll be done. Why are you standing here? Now I'm mad, go away." Truth is, you've said neither of those things. *shrug*
I seldom actually recommend *family* counseling for steps because I don't think it's YOUR job as stepdad to parent. But in this case I think it might be a good idea, because I think at least SOME of your issues might be helped by learning some different communication strategies. Couldn't hurt, anyway.
Thank you for the reply. I
Thank you for the reply. I guess I wasn't so clear. I was not on the computer. I had to turn it on for her, and I was in the middle of cleaning, plus I had to clear off the computer desk. The hovering goes deeper than that. Whenever they ask for something, and you say yes, they stand there and wait for it, which I feel is like rushing me. They used to do it while I was cooking. I guess it annoys me cause it used to annoy my mother. It doesnt bother their mom, my wife, but it annoys me. Aren't I entitled to feel that way? And the coloring was an example, I guess a bad one, but she really fights for attention. Like I said the 16 yo does too and it makes me crazy. They just don't want to share their mother. Yes, I agree, the communication needs to improve.
Oh sure, you're entitled to
Oh sure, you're entitled to feel however you want. And I get that's how you were raised, so it's what you expect. I suppose I was just pointing out that it's not necessarily done to annoy you - it's something *I* do, and for me it's more like.... like it would be rude to just wander away when someone has just said they'll do me a favor. You know? ("So you'll do this for me? Great, well, I have more important things to do than wait for your ass, so come get me once you've completed the task I just assigned you." Seriously, I'd actually be pissed if someone just walked away after I said "just a minute".) So yeah, you're entitled to feel that way, but it doesn't necessarily follow that anyone would EXPECT you to feel that way. Communication.
I never thought about it from
I never thought about it from the other side. Thanks for all the advice. As far as examples of the fighting for attention, there are so many. Like, my wife decided on spending one on one time with each of them (SDs 16 and 6 and BD2) but everytime it was SD6's time, her comes SD16 butting in, and vice versa. I do realize that my wife is a huge part of the problem. She does a lot of parenting out of guilt. She also does NOT see things when I point them out to her, but will acknowledge it if others say things. She can be very stubborn at times.
I wanted to post again to add
I wanted to post again to add a strategy for the hovering for you. What if you gave them something to do while they wait? So for the computer thing, instead of a vague "just a minute", you could say, "Sure, but I have to finish cleaning first. Why don't you clear off the computer desk?" If they ask for a drink while you're in the middle of something you can say, "Sure, go play for a few minutes and I'll call you when I'm ready."
Give them a DIRECTION, and I think you'll solve this one particular problem.
Rather than "Give me a
Rather than "Give me a minute." next time try "Yes you can use the computer. I am busy right now. I will come get you when I have turned it on now go find something else to do while I finish what I am doing unless you want to help me." Clear, gives her an instruction and an opportunity to participate in what you are doing.
For sure I would not tolerate the mopey bullshit manipulations that SD-16 and SD-6 are pulling. But, to address this crap you will have to change how you engage and speak with them. No more nefarious pseudo statements. Give them specifics. eg. "Go do XYZLMNOP right now and when you are done come get me."
You and DW are going to have to be absolutely committed to each other as equity life partners, equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology, and together you will both have to confront and correct this pouty manipulative crap from your SDs.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thanks for the response and
Thanks for the response and advice. I am trying every day to be a better father to all of them.
Rob, There is no parenting
Rob,
There is no parenting manual and if there was it would be useless for all children except the one it was written for. Don't beat yourself up. Just decide what the rules are, discuss them with your bride, and enforce the acceptable behaviors for kids in your home.
Eventually the kids will catch a clue.
My SS-22 was challenge enough for my wife and I and he was an only child in our marriage. I could not imagine dealing with a mine and hers situation. It took every minute from the time we met when he was 15mos old until he reported to USAF basic training 4mos before his 19th birthday for us to figure it out and raise him effectively.
Deep breaths and take care of yourself.
Just another perspective. How
Just another perspective.
How about stepping back from all the "disciplinary" aspects of parenting ( leave that to their mother) , and focus on being a "practical" dad. Fixing their bikes.. being a solid, reliable figure they can turn to for "fatherly" advice. Engage with them to the degree they want to engage with you. Be the model of the ideal man you'd want them to marry when they grow up.
Remember you're not their father, and you have no more right to tell them what to do than any other adult. That's the mother's job, and your job is to support her ( though not by wading on on her side in mother/daughter arguments. Stay WELL out of those!).
Basically you have to earn her children's respect, not demand it, and certainly not "enforce" it.
Good luck, and I hope things work out.
I have stepped back on
I have stepped back on discipline. I do not think telling her to not hover over me was a disciplinary action. It is really hard for me to stay stepped back because my wife has been earning overtime at work and I have been picking up the slack at home. I have stepped back and the kids have been taking advantage. They don't do what they're supposed to do and when my wife gets home, she gets upset with them AND me. Very frustrating.
Ah.. that does sound more
Ah.. that does sound more difficult than our situation.
One other suggestion for an activity to bring you closer together... How about asking their help in planning some sort of surprise treat for mum? Like a "home spa evening" for instance. Take the girls to the mall during the day, let them pick out suitable finger and toe nail varnish, a face pack etc. Then some ingredients for a nice meal they can help you cook. Add scented candles etc.
Have the youngest paint a sign for their new spa to hang outside the front door, whilst the 8 year old helps with the meal. Let them play waitresses to mum when she comes home, followed by relaxing candle-lit bath, a facial and head massage by the 8 years old, and toe/ fingernail painting by the youngest.
Mum will love it obviously, even if she does have to touch up the finger nails a bit later on. And you and the girls will have done something together for the person you love. A great bonding opportunity hopefully?
Thanks for that idea. Sounds
Thanks for that idea. Sounds great. I cannot do ALL of that, but some of it I can. Its hard when I barely have enough time to get the kids and get food on the table then get them in bed.
Glad to help. btw sorry I
Glad to help. btw sorry I just noticed I've got the ages of the children wrong.. I think I've read too many posts in this board and got confused! Sorry. I'll leave this up anyway, in case it's of any use..
Daddyrob, neither do you have
Daddyrob, neither do you have LESS authority than any other adult to control your home, your space, and children in the immediate vicinity. Telling the girl to back off was NOT disciplinary. It was just normal human interaction.
"Stepping" is far, far harder than any of us think it is when we are still on the outside looking in.
I agree that it was not
I agree that it was not disciplinary. And yes, it is VERY hard. I honestly love my wife, but had I known then what I know now, I would think much harder before I jumped in.
Latest on this, my wife went
Latest on this, my wife went to the gym with SD16 on Tuesday evening and left me with SD6 and BD2. I finished cooking and gave them dinner. Nothing outside of the usual, "Eat your food, clean up this, put that away, " etc, yet, SD6 tells my wife the other day that she doesn't want to be alone with me anymore. WTF? Then, SD16 wasn't speaking to me, ignoring me, etc. I didn't do anything! It is so unfair. My wife works later than I do, so I spend more time with the kids than she does. I have tried my best to disengage, but I can't REALLY do it when I'm the one caring for them the majority of the time. I try and tell them, "Do this or that before Mom comes home", they don't listen. They don't do it, my wife comes home, gets pissed at them, then I have to deal with her being pissed. It's ridiculous. WTF???!?!!
Consider placing the little
Consider placing the little one in day care after school and the older one in Boys/Girls Club or whatever. Just don't be alone with them any more or take any responsibility for them. Your wife should pay for this child care for her kids.
I strongly suspect the teenager is influencing the younger one. Separating them in two different age appropriate programs may have an added benefit.
Alternatively make the 16 year old babysit the first grader at some other venue besides your home. She'll soon be desperate to get back into your good graces so she can have a life again. Too bad, you don't have to take the 6 year old off her hands ever again. She should have appreciated your services while she had them. This is how kids learn. Nothing wrong with it.
Don't know why you have to miss out on savoring your own child's babyhood because of these two spoiled kids.