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Can anyone help with advice?

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

I AM A STEPPARENT TO 2 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. I LOVE THEM TO DEATH AND THEY ARE LIKE MINES. IVE BEEN IN THEIR LIFE SINCE THEY WERE 1 AND 3. FOR THE 1 YEAR OLD IM THE ONLY REAL FATHER FIGURE THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN. THEIR BIO DAD HAS BEEN IN N OUT THE PICTURE SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN IT. HAVING TROUBLE LETTING GO OF MY EX HE HAS MADE LIFE TRULY DIFFICULT AT TIMES. ALSO HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY SEXUALITY IN ALL THIS HAS ALSO MADE HIM FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY. I am a women as well as my wife. Lesbians are what most call us. I am a stud. So i dress like a man. Bt still all women. My wife came out with me so life has def been crazy just because of that. My kids instantly took to me now 6 years later my kids call me "daddy" refuse to call me anything else. Told them they could choose another name and they refuse. About two years ago after a lot of back n forth we finally had a custody agreement. It was very hectic for a year back n forth to court til finally their father again disappeared completely it will be two years he hasn't seen them in a couple months or called anything, as well as his family. During the last two years tho their bio dad had another child and me n my wife had our first child. I love all the kids the same and i am all their primary daddy. Tho for my stepkids which they hate me calling them its just a matter of time before their bio dad comes back amd frankly i am afraid of that because Ive been so close to them for so long. I now feel myself pulling away as to prepare for them replacing me though i know it was never my place. I never wanted to be their full time parent but their father made that my responsibility. How or what do i do

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stepdaddy-mommy's picture

Thank you for your response. We live in california so yes its legal. Ive looked into the adoption. Its been since aug. Since he stopped paying child support and child support or us can locate him. He lives a few cities away bt is going through lengths to keep his life hidden. My wife has talked to my kids about adiption and they want to do it as well.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

My kids know i am a women. They know my real name they say im a "she" to everyone. They just like having me as their "daddy" i made sure they understood that from jump. When they explain me to their friends its the exact same thing. Its funny how confident they are. Im more uncomfortable then they are but i think thats cause I grew up thinking of gay as different and wrong so even though i am proud of who i am i still am scared of the stigma behind it all. But my kids dont care and make it so everyone has grown very excepting of or situation. Nothing i could have ever imagined has happened.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

He's really about image. That's what most of this been about his image to the world. My wife says he would sign probably if no one else knew so he continue to lie that we are just keeping them from him, even though he has court orders preventing us from doing that. But yes, he hasnt ao much as called. We ha e a reatraining order so hes limited to just calls or text about the kids. But the last order the judge stated he needed to give written say atleast 7 days in advance to have visits resume which are now to be supervised at terra firma. Since he stopped showing up to court at all before this. Unless ofcourse about child support that is. I guess aug. He loss his job n asked childsupport to lower it, bt then childsupport said that he never submiytes any paperwork that was required. So yes weve had nothing from him since then. We let the kids go see his mother when she came into town but thats it no one on his side is willing to help or even keeps in contact with these kids though they were involved as middle people during the time we did have visits because he refused to contact us directly.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

He's really about image. That's what most of this been about his image to the world. My wife says he would sign probably if no one else knew so he continue to lie that we are just keeping them from him, even though he has court orders preventing us from doing that. But yes, he hasnt ao much as called. We ha e a reatraining order so hes limited to just calls or text about the kids. But the last order the judge stated he needed to give written say atleast 7 days in advance to have visits resume which are now to be supervised at terra firma. Since he stopped showing up to court at all before this. Unless ofcourse about child support that is. I guess aug. He loss his job n asked childsupport to lower it, bt then childsupport said that he never submiytes any paperwork that was required. So yes weve had nothing from him since then. We let the kids go see his mother when she came into town but thats it no one on his side is willing to help or even keeps in contact with these kids though they were involved as middle people during the time we did have visits because he refused to contact us directly.

furkidsforme's picture

You are their Dad, plain and simple.

Bio Dad may come back one day, but the longer you have that cemented positive relationship built with the kids, the less damage he can do. And if he does come back, and the kids are enticed by the mystery of the missing Birth-dad (which almost all kids fall victim to), you will still love them through it, and still be there on the other side when they realize the truth about him.

Good luck to you and your family.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

Thank you yes. Its hard to hear but i know i really just have to be their as i always have been. Thank ypu for your feedback.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

my on Sun, 03/01/2015 - 12:00pm.

I never wanted to be a stepparent said id never date a women with kids for the exact reasons i face now. But I did and I am and personally i agreed when i first became a stepparent i was to just be that. Love them but let the parenting be the real parents reaponsibility. Which was working for the first month or so but the problem most these parents idk dont or do have like i do is that my kids were babies when i came in i raught my son to talk n pee as well as everything else his father was to do. I never stood in the way but their father basically never stepped up. He was never around too. My wife would reach out to him and get no response for days. leaving the whole situation for me to clean up. I was tired at first thought bout leaving my wife at times. Thise kids did nothing to deserve how their father has treated them and he cant be mad he left a mess that i was willing to clean up. I mean if he were dead and i came in and he could never come back would anyone ask me to back off and just be stepparent. Because basically hes like a favorite uncle you see every few months or once a year. Not a dad. But maybe i should just back off? I struggle with it all the time. N wen i do start pulling back my wife and kids notice and feel it n dont want me too. They have said multiple times they want my last name n me to b yheir "realdad," and every time i defend the bio dad and give them a reason to keep hoping knowing i hate him for it all eapecially since before he met me he was disrespecting me. Its alot. If i had time to write it all i would. But he knows his kids call me daddy he onced asked my SD8 to call me something else and she told him she didnt feel comfortable talking bout that and she wouldnt cus i am her daddy n he is her dad. He really became pissed from that but it was the first time my SD8 was honest bout anything
she felt to her dad. She tells us her feelings on him n her therapists but no onw can make her tell him cus she scared to lose him even tho he is gone. This was during the times they would visit with him. Now she just wonders why he doesnt love her at all. How do you just back off?

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

Yes. He is a tool. From what we here he's being a great father to his new son though. Which does nothing for these kids. But yea now its about finding him. Its like everyone is like against getting into it since him and my wife grew up together they know all the same people my wife n I moved away from their neighborhood but he still knee deep in it and telling one interesting story to everyone about us making eeveryone want to stay out of it. Most his family wont speak to us or the ones who do answer wont give us anything not even his phone number unless they ask him first. We had to do detective work to serve him to even get him to see the kids and that took months, frankly i don't feel like chasing this deadbeat anymore. But him just having the right to pop up after however long and disrupt these kids for another few months and then disappear again doesn't sit well with me either. Im very over protective over them. Ive already had to put my SD8 in therapy over all this up n down he does to them. My SS6 barely knows him he just thinks he's fun he can barely remember his name or that he's his father. Its my kids i worry bout the most.

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

I never wanted to be a stepparent said id never date a women with kids for the exact reasons i face now. But I did and I am and personally i agreed when i first became a stepparent i was to just be that. Love them but let the parenting be the real parents reaponsibility. Which was working for the first month or so but the problem most these parents idk dont or do have like i do is that my kids were babies when i came in i raught my son to talk n pee as well as everything else his father was to do. I never stood in the way but their father basically never stepped up. He was never around too. My wife would reach out to him and get no response for days. leaving the whole situation for me to clean up. I was tired at first thought bout leaving my wife at times. Thise kids did nothing to deserve how their father has treated them and he cant be mad he left a mess that i was willing to clean up. I mean if he were dead and i came in and he could never come back would anyone ask me to back off and just be stepparent. Because basically hes like a favorite uncle you see every few months or once a year. Not a dad. But maybe i should just back off? I struggle with it all the time. N wen i do start pulling back my wife and kids notice and feel it n dont want me too. They have said multiple times they want my last name n me to b yheir "realdad," and every time i defend the bio dad and give them a reason to keep hoping knowing i hate him for it all eapecially since before he met me he was disrespecting me. Its alot. If i had time to write it all i would. But he knows his kids call me daddy he onced asked my SD8 to call me something else and she told him she didnt feel comfortable talking bout that and she wouldnt cus i am her daddy n he is her dad. He really became pissed from that but it was the first time my SD8 was honest bout anything she felt to her dad. She tells us her feelings on him n her therapists but no onw can make her tell him cus she scared to lose him even tho he is gone. This was during the times they would visit with him. Now she just wonders why he doesnt love her at all. How do you just back off?

stepdaddy-mommy's picture

Thank you dtzyblnd for all your great feedback and advice. Yes i hope he stays gone. I do t need to adopt them to kno theyre mines. Never have. Plus dont want no more competition to be his reason for popping back up. I go back and forth knowing how he is with this adoption stuff. Maybe in a few years ill try it again. But your right its being here that counts in the end. Whatever else is just gonna have to happen and be dealt with.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Interesting story... i was not able to read the passages without paragraphs but the ones i could get through lead me to ask you a few questions. Let me preface this by saying i certainly have a bias that goes back to my husband having been married to a closeted lesbian for 20 years and your story sounds to me like our BM's new wife's story might sound: one-sided, conveniently edited, highlighting the right negatives and positives, omitting the difficult stuff.

So here is how it might look from the other side: your GF married this guy without bothering to tell him she is gay. Is that ethical? She had two kids with the baby daddy and then discovered her sexuality with you, and came out with you. Lovely... What impact do you think it had on her husband/BF? On his plans for the future of his family? He has a hard time saying good bye to her... i wonder why. Have you heard of betrayal trauma? Why is there a restraining order in place? Because he could not calmly accept his partner switcheroo? Does that make him a monster? I am not going to address the CS issue since you are pursuing it through the courts, but it is very telling that no one in his family wants to talk to you or your wife. No one in my husband's family wants to talk to BM or her wife either. BM (or your wife in your story) has committed a heinous act against the man she married under false pretenses. In our case emotional abuse was/is compounded by financial ruination.

You say the biodad is a good father to another child. He must be an ok guy... forced into an impossible situation that you are *complicit* in creating. Are you the other woman that looks like the other man? The kids have no business calling you daddy. "They refuse" is a cop-out. You basically pushed their dad out of the picture if i understood your story correctly.

So why cry crocodile tears now?