Hello :)
New to the group. Just looking to meet other blended families. I don't really have a rant or complaint most of the time.
I'm not married because I choose not to be. I don't believe that makes us any less a family. We are actually more happy and supportive than 99% of married families that we know. We became a "Family" when his Ex dumped his four year old daughters on our doorstep and vanished for four years. The twins are now 12 and remain with us. We have had two daughters of our own since 
BM is unstable, mental, suicidal, prone to addiction, has drug abuse caused health problems, a felon, inconsistent with employment, rarely pays support and is ironically still married to my boyfriend.
This is a strange situation to most people but for us it works. You see, there is no custody order in place so when BM is not well, we are able to make the executive decision to not allow her visitation. If she is living on a couch, strung out not working living with a sketchy guy we can say thanks but no thanks when she pops up from under her rock wanting to see the girls. No judge can make us relinquish them because there is no order. It works for us and has probably saved us from the kind of bullshit most blended families endure. Ya'll can have your rings....I'll keep my sanity. LOL.
The twins know their moms situation. When she is well they see her. When she isn't they don't. We are in a don't period right now. It's unfortunate but you can't make people change. You just try to keep it from hurting or endangering everyone else.
JP is a very hard working, loving, supportive father. He also backs me 1000.00% with all the kids. That is a blessing!! Honestly ladies, if your husband or BF doesn't support you you are wasting your time and emotions. I believe 9 out of 10 times the problem is the ADULTS not the kids in family disputes. I believe you should be up front about what you are and are not willing to endure. Boundaries and expectations should be stated up front and enforced. Accountability is a MUST in ANY family, blended or otherwise.
I look forward to reading every ones stories and getting to know you all.
Doodle
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Hey DB! Yes, our situation is
Hey DB!
Yes, our situation is an interesting one but in terms of how it works I would say we are a VERY successful blended family with BM not getting her shit together being the only exception. Since we don't deal with her during her "down days" it doesn't affect our family climate. This keeps the twins from being in the middle of dysfunction, it ensures MY children won't be around it and it ensures our relationships will not be influenced by BM in any way shape or form which in reality, is how it should be anyway. IT WORKS! 8 years and going strong!
I feel very fulfilled in my family. We all love each other. The kids are all close. We have been honest (but not brutal) about BM's condition so the girls understand we aren't being mean. There are legitimate concerns and they agree. They just enjoy the time they can have with her and the times that they can't see her are made easier because we are stable and happy here. I DO NOT agree with the judicial system that kids need their parents no matter how self destructive or dysfunctional they may be. Bad parents do much more harm than good and stable parents who are not sick and not a threat should be able to decide whether or not their children should be in those environments without a judge sticking their noses in the families business. The judge doesn't see BM in action therefor he doesn't need to make decisions that will affect us and our children. Soooo this is what we decided and it works
As long as it is working for
As long as it is working for both of you, it works.
However, you might want to consult a lawyer to make sure that in the event of the unexpected you and the children are protected. As she is the legal wife any retirement funds (pension, 401k, IRA) go to her if he dies. By federal law he cannot leave them to anyone else unless she signs off. He also needs to talk to a lawyer to find out how to ensure that the BM does not get custody of his oldest children if something happens to him. As things stand now if something happened to him BM could show up and you would have to hand over the oldest children.
It's working now but .....
HELLO! I will say, when I
HELLO!
I will say, when I read that your SO is still married to BM my eyes got huge. Glad it's working so well for you! Looking forward to hearing your perspective on things.
I prefer him to STAY married
I prefer him to STAY married to her because basically it's the only way to keep her from poisoning our family.
Sounds crazy but for almost nine years it has been bliss. I see so many people using the court system to manipulate and control people and I'm just like NO. THANK. YOU. LOL!
Being completely blunt but not mean, she will be dead before he ever retires from anything. She has many serious health issues at 35 from prolonged drug abuse. Hep C, Massive heart failure, etc. She's only 35.
I can't believe she hasn't
I can't believe she hasn't had more health issues! BM hasn't even gone so far as heroine but I suppose shooting pills can be just as bad. She had her second heart attack just a few months back. It's traumatic for the twins. All these death scares. You almost wish she would just get it over with so they don't have to endure all the ups and downs over and over again
Exactly! I cover my own tail
Exactly! I cover my own tail so I don't have to count on ANYTHING from him either way. We do work as a team NOW and jointly pay bills, kids costs, etc. In the event of his death, GOD FORBID, I have this covered. The twins would sadly be at BM's mercy but as far as me and mine, we would be square.
Hello and welcome! Glad you
Hello and welcome! Glad you found a unique way to navigate the stormy seas unstable BMs often create. Too bad your way is hard to clone as most find themselves in our shoes after the divorce is final. May be not most but many. You also have the right mindset and do not seem to be threatened by this continuing marital bond that won't sit well with more traditionally minded ladies.
I look forward to finding out more about your way of doing things, Doodle! Enjoy StepTalk! I am sure you have a lot to add to it.
Thank you! I look forward to
Thank you! I look forward to getting to know more about everyones unique situations here. I know all step families have their own stories and circumstances.
We are a bit "modern hippie" I guess for a lack of better term. LOL. JP isn't just a BF, he is my children's father and my best friend of many many years. BM is an after thought in our relationship. The marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper allowing us to live free of her negative influence. Period.
That said, we do work with her when she is doing well. We haven't cut her off out of spite. We just know when she is strung out or making poor choices and we hold her accountable.
Hello We are not worried
Hello
We are not worried about finances. In the event she doesn't die prior to retirement (I don't mean this to be ugly. She is really messed up due to prolonged drug use) we have made provisions to ensure me and the girls will be taken care of.
Welcome. Sounds like your
Welcome. Sounds like your unique situation works for you. Nice.
For me, I love calling my husband my husband. He he loves calling me his wife. We are super cheesy about it. Lol
It's great you seem happy in
It's great you seem happy in your situation as well
My marriage - yes. Step
My marriage - yes.
Step parenting situation - nope.
The BM in my life is very hostile. She lost custody of her child, for years tried to have her child not like me, SD always goes back and forth from liking me to hating me, hubby does the best he can with a child that has a horrible woman speaking ill of him all the time and , my personal favorite, she is awaiting to see if she will be going to jail next month for stabbing a stranger for not wanting to give her a ride home.
I am typing this from my phone....sorry for the long run on sentence. Lol
So - hubby and I - fantastic. SD and I - not good.
I don't want anything in the
I don't want anything in the event of his death so it's cool. Honestly, I'm not worried about it either way. I know that's hard for most people to accept but marriage is not for me because of the monetary focus it puts on relationships. Marriage is a money related business, it's about protecting assets and what's rightfully "your's" or what your entitlements are.
We don't focus on that. We focus on the relationships and the experiences. I can pay our bills on my own if it came down to that. We live a low impact, low cost lifestyle that allows that to not be a concern. We aren't "off the grid" but we are very close and we LOVE it. It is very empowering to have rent paid years in advance!
The kids take dance and have nice things but we DO NOT live above means or keep up with any Jones's if you catch my drift. Finances are not a concern. Seriously. If they became one we would get a lawyer.