I really feel resenfull, if we've had a row he will deliberately ignore me and be so over affectionate with them..it's honestly deliberate..I hardly have my own daughter here and she's 20 so it's a different scenario
If you are jealous when your DH shows his children affection, and you resent them for it, then you should not be with a man who has children.
They are his kids, why would you resent them because he loves them and lets them know it?
Does he show you affection, as well? Or does he ignore you when they are around? If that's the problem, then your issue should be with your DH, not his kids.
ETA: you posted the above while I was typing. Your issue should definitely be with your DH.
The only time I'm bothered by him showing affection to sd16 is when she is in trouble, dh 'puts his foot down', sd cries and dh runs to her with an 'it's ok sweetiepie'. When he's upset with me, forgot it. I don't blame sd for it. I blame dh for falling for it and his shitty double standards.
Exactly right mine has complete double standards.. I literally am the mother figure to the eldest one who lives with us , he expects me to do everything for him as his bm does nothing..but yet does very little for my daughter ..he is always giving the ss money which he spends on drink and drugs..and constantly rewards him for bad behaviour..the session s about to be expelled from school and faces a charge for afray..yet dh feels sorry for him
Actually I completely understand the feeling of revulsion toward someone else's child being in your life and the feelings of mammalian gut level rejection of kids that are not yours.
I struggled with that very emotion when DW and I first started dating. I was fine with her son when we were at her house but when we were at mine it was a struggle for me to tolerate him at all. I can only equate it to an Animal Planet special on lions when the new male takes over a pride he kills off the young spawn of his predecessor rather than allow the prides efforts to support spawn that are not his own.
Fortunately I figured it out and took the actions to build love for my SS. I knew that if I wanted to spend my life with this woman that I had to be dad to her son. So I was dad. I still am dad and am very proud of the young man I raised as my own.
I agree that the jealousy is normal...to an extent. There are degrees of everything, and the question is, how far is it okay to push the line of affection?
If you get jealous at every smile between them, every hug, every time they are together, and every term of endearment uttered, you probably need to check yourself.
If you are in the same room watching a movie and dh gets on the floor with sd and snuggles her during the movie while you sit on the couch alone, you might need to check him.
This is exactly what happens, in fact I'm not even sitting alone on the couch, I'm on the floor whilst they are all cuddled together on the sofa..I end up feeling really pushed out.. He will sit stroking the children's arms and kissing them and ruffling their hair whilst I'm ignored..I know it sounds like I'm a jealous old cow but I'm not..
I'm old enough and have been in enough relationships to feel pretty confident that I'm not a jealous person. I noticed that it was only with certain men and at certain times that I ever felt jealous. THIS would be one of those times, and it isn't your fault. A man thinks that just because his daughter is his child, it won't/shouldn't cause any problems for his wife. Even if it were your child (together), I'd imagine you would have a problem with this! This is how girls develop the mini-wife complex and think they are on the same level as a wife. If he does not respond positively to your request to stop doing this (at a later time, not during), all you can really do is leave the room. But make sure you tell him that it isn't just a temporary feeling of jealousy that goes away when they stop. It is a wedge between you. It chips away at your trust and respect for him, because he isn't respecting you. It is much bigger than a couple of hours of missing boundaries. THEY might both be happy, but at YOUR expense. He needs to know what it really means when he does this. And ew.
Okay, there's a little more going on than him just showing normal affection to his kids, he's actually using it as a punishment towards you. That is messed up and it is him you should be resenting.
Thank you..he is a very difficult man and is passive agressive as well as hugely openly aggressive..he's a professional sportsman..with all that entails..very controlling and fine if everything is going his way..the bm is a drug addict and sleeps her way around the town..the ss came to live with us because he couldn't stand the mothers lifestyle but he has now turned to drugs. It's a hugely dis functional set up..I have taken the mother role (my choice) with the ss because I felt he needed some guidance..I've fought so he want thrown out of school and I have to liase with them on almost a daily basis because of behaviour issues.im trying to get him into college.the dh says this is all my choice and if I offer to do it I shouldn't moan about it,, true. But I just want some respect and some gratitude. I've taken the kids on holiday..paid for by me. And they just show no respect, we have no direct contact with the bm as sheis so unstable so it's all done through a third party..yet she has tried to punch me and came round and shouted and got agressive,I get threats all the time.i can't go outside my apartment without fear of bumping into her, the dh says I must ' let it go'. I'd like to see him in the same position ..he shouts constantly is verbally very very nasty yet says he loves me and can't live without me.i come from a very differnt background..parents stayed married I have one daughter..privately educated and I have a whole different set of values and parenting skills.we are worlds apart yet I love him. I left a 20'year marriage for him. His kids are allowed to run riot..constantly endulged..don't eat a meal yet mountains of soda and sugary snacks then the nutcase says we haven't fed them.i think I just didn't think of the reality if it all. It's fine skipping round the park when you first meet but the reality..BOY
After we've had an argument, my DH runs to SSalmost7 too if the skid happens to be around. It's kind of sad really and is definitely not behavior I'd expect from a grownup. He's stopped doing it as much since I called him out on it and told him that I thought he was co-dependent on his child. I don't believe he does it maliciously like your husband, but it sure is aggravating. With my DH it's almost as if he can't cope with conflict in an adult relationship so he deflects by hiding with the skid, who of course gives him unconditional love because after all DH is Daddddyyyy. It used to make me feel abandoned and jealous, but now I just see it as sad and :sick:
And if he wants to cuddle with the skid on the couch, I make myself scarce because I don't want to interrupt the parental bonding or whatever it is. Hopefully, the skid will grow out of it at some point. And he has been as it's been happening less and less. Fortunately, we only have Skidly EOWE and I have plenty of other ways to keep myself busy when the skid's around.
If you husband is doing it maliciously, you should try and stop reacting to it and he'll probably stop doing it. However, that is kind of messed up behavior on your husband's part. Maybe try having a discussion with him about his behavior.
Yes this sounds familiar..you're right..it almost is S if he runs to the ss..very very odd. I do need to mKe myself scarce and then I think it will affect me less..the ss takes fu
L advantage if it as you can imagine..it's usuLly an excuse to ask for more money
I really feel resenfull, if
I really feel resenfull, if we've had a row he will deliberately ignore me and be so over affectionate with them..it's honestly deliberate..I hardly have my own daughter here and she's 20 so it's a different scenario
No I haven't told him. He is
No I haven't told him. He is just a man who is very clever...and punishes if things aren't going his way.. I'm always kind to the children
If you are jealous when your
If you are jealous when your DH shows his children affection, and you resent them for it, then you should not be with a man who has children.
They are his kids, why would you resent them because he loves them and lets them know it?
Does he show you affection, as well? Or does he ignore you when they are around? If that's the problem, then your issue should be with your DH, not his kids.
ETA: you posted the above while I was typing. Your issue should definitely be with your DH.
The only time I'm bothered by
The only time I'm bothered by him showing affection to sd16 is when she is in trouble, dh 'puts his foot down', sd cries and dh runs to her with an 'it's ok sweetiepie'. When he's upset with me, forgot it. I don't blame sd for it. I blame dh for falling for it and his shitty double standards.
Exactly right mine has
Exactly right mine has complete double standards.. I literally am the mother figure to the eldest one who lives with us , he expects me to do everything for him as his bm does nothing..but yet does very little for my daughter ..he is always giving the ss money which he spends on drink and drugs..and constantly rewards him for bad behaviour..the session s about to be expelled from school and faces a charge for afray..yet dh feels sorry for him
Actually I completely
Actually I completely understand the feeling of revulsion toward someone else's child being in your life and the feelings of mammalian gut level rejection of kids that are not yours.
I struggled with that very emotion when DW and I first started dating. I was fine with her son when we were at her house but when we were at mine it was a struggle for me to tolerate him at all. I can only equate it to an Animal Planet special on lions when the new male takes over a pride he kills off the young spawn of his predecessor rather than allow the prides efforts to support spawn that are not his own.
Fortunately I figured it out and took the actions to build love for my SS. I knew that if I wanted to spend my life with this woman that I had to be dad to her son. So I was dad. I still am dad and am very proud of the young man I raised as my own.
Actions build feelings. Give it a try.
I agree that the jealousy is
I agree that the jealousy is normal...to an extent. There are degrees of everything, and the question is, how far is it okay to push the line of affection?
If you get jealous at every smile between them, every hug, every time they are together, and every term of endearment uttered, you probably need to check yourself.
If you are in the same room watching a movie and dh gets on the floor with sd and snuggles her during the movie while you sit on the couch alone, you might need to check him.
This is exactly what happens,
This is exactly what happens, in fact I'm not even sitting alone on the couch, I'm on the floor whilst they are all cuddled together on the sofa..I end up feeling really pushed out.. He will sit stroking the children's arms and kissing them and ruffling their hair whilst I'm ignored..I know it sounds like I'm a jealous old cow but I'm not..
I'm old enough and have been
I'm old enough and have been in enough relationships to feel pretty confident that I'm not a jealous person. I noticed that it was only with certain men and at certain times that I ever felt jealous. THIS would be one of those times, and it isn't your fault. A man thinks that just because his daughter is his child, it won't/shouldn't cause any problems for his wife. Even if it were your child (together), I'd imagine you would have a problem with this! This is how girls develop the mini-wife complex and think they are on the same level as a wife. If he does not respond positively to your request to stop doing this (at a later time, not during), all you can really do is leave the room. But make sure you tell him that it isn't just a temporary feeling of jealousy that goes away when they stop. It is a wedge between you. It chips away at your trust and respect for him, because he isn't respecting you. It is much bigger than a couple of hours of missing boundaries. THEY might both be happy, but at YOUR expense. He needs to know what it really means when he does this. And ew.
Okay, there's a little more
Okay, there's a little more going on than him just showing normal affection to his kids, he's actually using it as a punishment towards you. That is messed up and it is him you should be resenting.
You are not a jealous old cow, he's an ass.
Thank you..he is a very
Thank you..he is a very difficult man and is passive agressive as well as hugely openly aggressive..he's a professional sportsman..with all that entails..very controlling and fine if everything is going his way..the bm is a drug addict and sleeps her way around the town..the ss came to live with us because he couldn't stand the mothers lifestyle but he has now turned to drugs. It's a hugely dis functional set up..I have taken the mother role (my choice) with the ss because I felt he needed some guidance..I've fought so he want thrown out of school and I have to liase with them on almost a daily basis because of behaviour issues.im trying to get him into college.the dh says this is all my choice and if I offer to do it I shouldn't moan about it,, true. But I just want some respect and some gratitude. I've taken the kids on holiday..paid for by me. And they just show no respect, we have no direct contact with the bm as sheis so unstable so it's all done through a third party..yet she has tried to punch me and came round and shouted and got agressive,I get threats all the time.i can't go outside my apartment without fear of bumping into her, the dh says I must ' let it go'. I'd like to see him in the same position ..he shouts constantly is verbally very very nasty yet says he loves me and can't live without me.i come from a very differnt background..parents stayed married I have one daughter..privately educated and I have a whole different set of values and parenting skills.we are worlds apart yet I love him. I left a 20'year marriage for him. His kids are allowed to run riot..constantly endulged..don't eat a meal yet mountains of soda and sugary snacks then the nutcase says we haven't fed them.i think I just didn't think of the reality if it all. It's fine skipping round the park when you first meet but the reality..BOY
After we've had an argument,
After we've had an argument, my DH runs to SSalmost7 too if the skid happens to be around. It's kind of sad really and is definitely not behavior I'd expect from a grownup. He's stopped doing it as much since I called him out on it and told him that I thought he was co-dependent on his child. I don't believe he does it maliciously like your husband, but it sure is aggravating. With my DH it's almost as if he can't cope with conflict in an adult relationship so he deflects by hiding with the skid, who of course gives him unconditional love because after all DH is Daddddyyyy. It used to make me feel abandoned and jealous, but now I just see it as sad and :sick:
And if he wants to cuddle with the skid on the couch, I make myself scarce because I don't want to interrupt the parental bonding or whatever it is. Hopefully, the skid will grow out of it at some point. And he has been as it's been happening less and less. Fortunately, we only have Skidly EOWE and I have plenty of other ways to keep myself busy when the skid's around.
If you husband is doing it maliciously, you should try and stop reacting to it and he'll probably stop doing it. However, that is kind of messed up behavior on your husband's part. Maybe try having a discussion with him about his behavior.
Yes this sounds
Yes this sounds familiar..you're right..it almost is S if he runs to the ss..very very odd. I do need to mKe myself scarce and then I think it will affect me less..the ss takes fu
L advantage if it as you can imagine..it's usuLly an excuse to ask for more money
How do I look up the threads
How do I look up the threads on disengaging? Thank you for your comments