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Relize it only gets Worse

qtee97's picture

I have been separated from my husband since the end of October. He is very verberally abusive and sometime he can get physical as well. He kicked us out of the house after moving up here without his help with five kids. My oldest wanted to finish school up here and after the long history on how he has been with him I wanted my son to have a break from him. I have dealt with about everything with this guy and I really can't take much more. I wish he would just disappear. I know that sounds so bad, but really I do. maybe he could run away like I feel like doing. I have been living with my mom for the last 5 months and I need to get on my feet and get out of here. I wish I could just leave town and get far far away. my kids are suffering as well. the little ones that are his he doesn't care to see, except this week because his mother is in town. the older boys aren't his kids and have made it really clear about that. WHen I married this guy 7 years ago I really didn't see his behavior until it started getting worse and worse throughout the years. I thought maybe I should just get use to it as this is what marriage is about. But it's not and I really hope no one else is in my situation because this is horrible for anyone to enduer. I know each day I get stronger and somehow make it through, but it's my son's senior year and I feel like I failed him as a mom. I wanted what was best for him, but I stayed with an idiot that never cared about us and treat us all like crap How do you forgive yourself over that and how do you make amends with your child which will soon be an adult? I feel so bad that my body is numb with the pain anymore.

Comments

No saint's picture

You should have an honest talk with your son who is, as you said yourself, nearly an adhult. You did the best that you could and tried to make things work; it may not have been through the best choices or actions, but it was the best you could do. you meant no harm to your kids or anyone else, so you shouldn't blame yourself. you are only human, as we all are and we all have made mistakes. The important thing now is for you to understand that you don't have to forgive yourself (as there's nothing to forgive), raise your head an move on. We are all here for you.

robin333's picture

You haven't failed as a mom. You have shown him how to try in a relationship and that exiting an abusive one is the only option in those situations.

Try to be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up. You are very hurt and vulnerable right now. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself so you can move on. The past is past, you can't change it, but you can learn from it.

I am glad you have family that sound supportive. You are a strong woman, even if you don't feel it, know it. Hugs!

ctnmom's picture

I think you need to forgive yourself. And when you do that,you can slowly start to make amends to your son. And think of this- you DID get your kids away from him. Hold that in your heart. I am in a similar situation, but for a different reason- my drinking got out of control 6-7years ago, and after many stops and starts I am now sober. My 2 oldest kids are on their own; it deeply affected my 15 year old daughter. I'm still beating myself up, but less and less. Be available to talk to him about it; accept his disappointment in you; and move on. God bless.

MommyNotMommy's picture

Good for you on getting sober. If there's anything I've learned it's that nothing can get better with a drink but anything can get worse! Love to you.

Not so nice anymore's picture

I have been reading on this site for a few days and just created my account today. I divorced my absent-from-everything ex after 15 years in April 2009 and when that happened, I lost everything but my two kids. My house, my car, my job.....all of it- gone. I felt as though I failed my kids too. My BS23 was 18 at the time and hadn't really ever gotten his shit together. Always broke, never had a decent job, typical stuff..... And I always felt like he didn't respect me, didn't care about anything, never helped out....just took, and took, and took. So, that added to my feelings of failure. I carried around that heavy feeling that I failed as a mother for sooooo long! Even when I was still married, I felt it.

One of the toughest things I have done was admitting to him the brutal truth about how I felt. I talked with him about how I had wanted so much for him that I just couldn't provide. I have to say that I felt like the muck on the bottom of my shoes but talking to him and being blunt about it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. He understood, and I mean REALLY understood what I was saying to him and what I was going through.

Now, almost 6 full years later, I can say that even though there are still things I struggle with, he and I have the best relationship! He works all over the country now but calls to check in on me, and when he's home to visit, he wants to spend time with me. Looking back now, at 18, he was an adult. When I talked with him, his bullshit attitude changed completely. And actually, I changed too because I didn't treat him like a kid anymore. He was old enough to know about adult problems and be treated like an adult. I just hadn't seen it until then.

If I can suggest......talk to your son..... He may surprise you and you just may surprise yourself.......