Fair or Unfair? Left to care for baby while DH spends EOW with stepkids
I work really hard all week long and am the sole breadwinner in the house. DH works part time so he can stay home during the day with our 6 month old DD ( a nanny comes for 5 hours on the days that he works so she can fill the time between the time he leaves for work and when I get home). When I get home from work, I care for DD6months all by myself. 100% of DHs income goes to child support and entertaining the skids, not one penny goes to me or DD6months. I pay for everything ... from the mortgage to his cell phone bills, to the cost of the nanny. When the weekend comes after working 5 ten to twelve hour days, I am exhausted and I also need time to get our home in order. Having a young baby makes a lot of mess and a lot of laundry. Unfortunately for me, when the Skids come EOW, DH is completely unavailable to me. SS14 is severely disabled and SD12 is constantly demanding that he take them places, etc. So he spends the weekend going to parks, the beach, movies, etc. while I am left to take care of DD6months by myself, without even a break to go on a short run or take a shower. Then Monday rolls around again and I have to start the week again after having no break.
I love spending time with DD6months, it is just frustrating that I never get a break, especially in light of the fact that I am the one supporting our household. It is also frustrating that I realistically only get to spend time with DH EOW bc he working during the week to send money to skids or is with skids EOW. I do not interact with the skids due to BM's past attempts to impute my income for purposes of determining child support and due to many other statements made and actions by BM. I have removed myself from the situation completely. Also, it is not safe for SS14 to be around DD due to his condition/unpredictable behavior, etc. On the weekends that DD does not have skids, we are scrambling to make up for lost time and fit in the errands, etc. that we could not do the weekend before bc of Skids.
I carry a full burden on my shoulders, and all I have to show for it is a strained marriage bc we have no time together. I also get so down every time the Skids come. Before DD was born, I didn't mind b/c I could go out and meet up with friends, etc. Since DD was born, I am not able to do these things. So I am stuck in a house with skids and I am completely uncomfortable and miserable the entire time.
What do I do? Should I tell him that he needs to watch DD6months and will need to find babysitters for the skids for several hours on Saturday or Sunday so I can do a few things for myself or run errands? I have a friend's baby shower coming up in two weeks and he will have the skids. Do I make him watch DD and tell him to drop the Skids at his mom's house so he can watch her? Once again, SS cannot be around DD. Do I tell him that SS can no longer come to our home? That he can visit with SS outside of the home?
It is not fair the DD6months has to deal with this in her life. I feel horrible for bringing her into this terrible situation.
Hi Stacey, I can take
Hi Stacey, I can take DD6months with me, but there are limited things to do with a 6 month old. She interacts the most and is happiest when we are in our home playing with her toys and reading books, etc. Perhaps when she is older there will be more options for her like going to museums, parks, etc. For now, we are limited.
I think there are more things
I think there are more things you can do with a 6 month old. She's probably (almost) sitting but not able to get too far. Where I live there are some tea houses / cafes where they have an area set aside for small kids. Another option is to just go somewhere not too busy and bring your own blanket for her to roll around on.
It's not the same as being child-less. But I think you can have more options than you're seeing right now when it comes to going out with DD.
I have a DD1 and there's no way I could go with a friend to a museum or a park and just bring DD. She's walking, moves fast, and has no sense. She can't be left without my attention to just walk off, so unless my friend is into babies, I need to do other things. I think by age 3 museums and parks will work.
Also, remember that just bringing her with you and letting her sit and watch everything from her stroller or carrier is a great way of stimulating her development.
EOW? That sucks. That DH
EOW? That sucks. That DH would abandon you and his baby that much of the time, not contribute in any way to household income, and not have the balls to be man enough to support his family makes me wanna puke.
Full time work. He can pay his CS but he also needs to support his wife and child. That he doesn't does not pass the smell test IMHO.
Good luck.
Good point, Tommar. The only
Good point, Tommar. The only issue I have with dropping her with a sitter is that I am already paying a lot of money during the week to a nanny. To incur additional expenses seems really unfair to me, especially when there is no net gain from paying the nanny during the week because all of DH's income goes to CS. I have talked to DH about changing his job so that he works full time during the day and he just doesn't want to. He uses DD6months as the reason why, but deep down I know he doesn't want to work full time. I am constantly trying to balance being supportive of his desires and the good of our marriage.
Tommar, I should add that
Tommar, I should add that part of the reason I think he wants to stay with DD6months during the week is bc it provides him with the ability not to feel guilty for leaving her EOW. If he worked full time AND then didn't see her EOW, then he would probably feel bad and I would have a better case. By watching her during day, he gets to fulfill his desire not to work full time AND eliminate any guilt he may feel or argument that I may make that he is missing out on time with DD.
What did DH do with only a
What did DH do with only a part time job before baby was born?
He had a FT job before baby
He had a FT job before baby was born...
If DH worked full-time, how
If DH worked full-time, how much would be left over after paying DD's increased childcare expenses?
Would it be worth it financially? If so, and there is FT work available, then he needs to suck it up, just like you do.
Well, I haven't done the
Well, I haven't done the match exactly, but I am assuming about $1,000 or $2,000 will be left over to contribute to our household if he got a FT Job, but childcare costs would double leaving about half of that as net. BUT, even if he does that, the EOW issue still exists.
EOWE (every other weekend)
EOWE (every other weekend) Sorry, I need to be more clear about this.
If he worked full-time during
If he worked full-time during the evenings, then they wouldn't need daycare or a nanny.
I have plenty of friends who worked opposite shifts until the youngest started school in order to avoid paying for day care.
Yes, EOWE
Yes, EOWE
He has the skids EOWE (sorry
He has the skids EOWE (sorry I was unclear earlier). The disabled SS is in school year round and gets all medical, diapers, food, meds, covered by the state. During the week SS and SD are with BM. The disabled SS has been diagnosed with severe mental retardation, has severe sensory and motor deficits, is in diapers, cannot perform any self care, cannot speak, must be tube and spoon fed, and is estimated to function at the level of an 8 month old, yet has the strength and size of a teenager and is often aggressive and unpredictable (hitting, spitting, screaming, throwing objects across a room, etc.). For these reasons, it is not safe for him to be around DD6months.
AND, DH does not do much housework.... We have a cleaning service that does the deep cleaning once every 2 weeks. I end up doing 90% of all other cleaning, usually on the weekends and after I put DD to bed during week.
I definitely do not want
I definitely do not want 50/50 custody of the skids. That would not work and there is no amount of money that would convince me otherwise!!
exactly!!
exactly!!
1. EOWE (every other
1. EOWE (every other weekend). I apologize for being unclear... I need to get my acronyms straight
2. His CS obligation was based on his income with a FT job. He cannot get it modified b/c the court will simply impute his FT income. As such. working 15 hours per week amounts to his child support payment plus a little leftover for gas and outings with his skids.
3.Well, we have a prenup, so no alimony. As for CS, I would argue that he would get DD EOWE, which would entitle him to nothing. He will need to get a FT job when he has to pay rent, etc., so there will be no argument that he would have more time with DD.
4. I agree with #4!
1. Watching a baby is NOT a
1. Watching a baby is NOT a FT job. He needs to grab his ball sack and man up. At the very least, he needs to have the place CLEAN not leave it for you to do.
2. If he absolutely CANNOT handle having a FT job like most mature adults, he needs to get a job in the evenings or something so you guys don't have to pay a nanny. That pretty much negates why he is staying home in the first place, right?
3. What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Sounds like you'd be better off on your own. He'd be FORCED to help provide financially for your baby and your bills would be LESS since you are paying everything right now.
He is using you and figured that he has you exactly where he wants you now that you birthed a baby. He gets to not work, spend a bunch of time with the baby while YOU provide financially. Then, when the skids are around, he acts like he doesn't have a wife and another child.
YOU need to figure out why YOU don't think you are important enough to have a REAL man.
You need to put your foot down. You have a LOT more control than you believe in this situation. There's no reason why he should get 100% of the benefits of you without putting in more effort. I bet if you set up hidden nanny cams, you'd find out that he isn't even SPENDING all that quality time with the baby!
If I was BM, I'd be pissed off too. This guy is just trying to minimize the amount he pays for his two previous kids while playing his current wife/sugar mama like a sap.
I was a single mother. I did
I was a single mother. I did not get any help whatsoever from my DS's deadbeat dad including no CS and he took no visitation. I still managed to work and get a college degree AND keep my own house clean.
I got my second degree while married. Still with my own son (albeit not a baby anymore) plus a husband and skids (EOWe) and a FT job and kept the house clean. I took a FT load of college credits.
There is no reason IMHO that this guy cannot watch a baby and keep the house clean plus work his paltry 15 hours a week job. It isn't rocket surgery
He pays CS based on his
He pays CS based on his income with a FT job, so he is not minimizing what he pays for CS. Instead, he pays all of his earnings to BM as CS and there is nothing left for our household.
So funny you should say this,
So funny you should say this, Taushalove, bc this same thought runs through my head all of the time! BM is on food stamps, medicaid, hardly works, and has been a major thorn in our side. Sometimes I wonder why they split in that they seem perfect for each other... haha!
The Skids are sleeping there.
The Skids are sleeping there. I just have to stay in my bedroom or DD's room with DD6months. Once again, I am put out to accomodate the skids in my own home.
Your stepsons parents need to
Your stepsons parents need to consider placing him in a residential setting, I am sorry to say. He is big and strong and aggressive - Na. Danger to other children in the family.
You could help your husband find a state agency that works with people with developmental disabilities.
This topic is on my mind all
This topic is on my mind all of the time! It is like walking on eggshells though in discussing it with him. I did tell him that eventually, when DD6months is older, that SS14 will no longer be permitted in our home bc it is not fair to DD. DH's response is, "we will cross that bridge when we get there." DH refuses to make any long term plans and lives day by day, which is contrary to my approach to life. We had a huge legal battle to get BM to take the skids during the week (BM wanted them EOWE), and so I know that she will fight if DH eventually stops taking SS14. My guess is that BM does not want to put SS14 in a home b/c she would have to forego receiving a SS disability check.
He's definitely not working
He's definitely not working the CS system. He pays an amount based on what his income was with a FT job.. $875 per month for two kids. This is why nearly 100% of this part time income goes to BM as CS.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying SUEU2, but I am in such a tough position. If it were up to me, I would tell DH that the skids cannot come to our home. I would tell him the SS14 poses too much of a threat and the things BM has done in past makes my interaction with SD12 too uncomfortable. I would tell him to pick them up for 5 or 6 hours every other saturday and a couple hours every other sunday, but that they can stay at BMs. BUT, I know BM would NEVER agree to this... AND, I try to be understanding of DH's desire to spend time with skids. SO, what do I do? Give DH an ultimatum that he has to adhere to my request? OR keep trucking along and hoping that things will change naturally?? I honestly do not know which direction to turn.
So you would say all of that,
So you would say all of that, but remain silent about him using you????? :? :? :?
Yes, tell him that to start
Yes, tell him that to start the conversation and help get his ass in gear. Say exactly what you said above: Skids cannot come to your home. SS14 poses too much of a threat to YOUR child, and you work every day to keep the house running, so you have the right to kick the threat out. SD12 and her BM have made interactions uncomfortable.
DH can pick his kids up every other Saturday and a couple hours every other Sunday, but they can stay overnight at BM's. If she doesn't like it, tough. She shouldn't have done things in the past to make it uncomfortable for you to get along with her kids. Change the schedule. What's BM going to do? Really? Revoke BD's rights to the children? Please. Tell DH that this is what you want. You can even offer to pay for their outings since you're paying for everything else. You don't have to deal with this in your home. Yes, it's an ultimatum and DH deserves it because you are financing his fuckery.
UNTIL HE CAN AFFORD TO PAY HIS OWN WAY or at the very least, take some pressure off of his working wife by running some errands and cleaning the damn dishes... he doesn't get the luxury of putting his financier (his wife-YOU) out. Things can be on your terms until he's able to match you - either emotionally or financially, or both. Men will use us if we don't demand an equal partnership. I get that marriage is about compromise, but you're bending too much.
Blayze, I would LOVE to make
Blayze, I would LOVE to make this demand... BUT.... I know his response. He would say that he doesn't want to deal with BM who will not agree to it, AND he will say that he already feels bad that he only sees the skids EOWE, and so he doesn't want to limit his time with them. SD12 is constantly sending him texts that she cries herself to sleep every night bc she misses him and is ALL OVER him when he exercises his time sharing. She calls him names like scum, deadbeat, and claims that he doesn't care about her. I believe that her attention seeking behavior is fueled in part by BM and the fact that she gets a reaction when she acts this way. So, if I draw a line in the sand and made the demand and he said no, what would I do? If I allowed the situation to continue after I gave an ultimatum, then it would show that I am weak and I don't mean what I say. This will water down any request or demand I make in the future. If left him for not giving into the ultimatum, then DD would be forced into the same crazy time sharing, divorced parents lifestyle. AND I would lose a lot of control in terms of her exposure to SS14 and SD12 when DH exercises his time sharing.
Well a lot of the ladies have
Well a lot of the ladies have given you great advice here...so I'll just throw in one more thing.
If you make a demand and he says no, THEN kick him out/cut off the gravy train. That's when the ultimatum would come in to play...for now, you're really just asking him to earn his keep. And since he's not, you shouldn't have to leave the house that you pay for with your 6 month old in tow on weekends so that your man can have visits with dangerous children he can't afford. (Oh my gosh, I just got so mad writing that! lol I could not spend my hard earned dollars paying for a man who would rather piss me off than his EX or his kids from a previous relationship. I would rather invest in VIBRATORS!)
You are paying for everything. You have power. His relationship with his children is not your responsibility! It's up to him to figure out how to make that work.
You say that you know what his response will be? Well, take it a step further. What is your reply to his response?
He says, "I don't want to deal with BM who will not agree to it." AND???
You say, "So what?! I can't deal with this situation any more. I cannot afford to pay for you. Either pay more to the house, do more around the house so that I don't have to pay someone, or get your damn kids out of my house since I'm no longer comfortable with paying for my own discomfort. You have 30 days."
He says, "I already feel bad that I can only see the skids EOWE." AND???
You say, "If you wanted to have your kids more, you wouldn't have left BM. What does that have to do with my child's safety and your unwillingness to do anything around the house?" And press him to answer you.
You're not asking for more from your MAN. Men actually like to rise to the occasion for us. This is not an unfair ultimatum like "do ABC or our relationship is over." All you're saying is that you're not going to finance foolishness... and you're well within your right to say that.
if your husband has no
if your husband has no income, then he shouldnt be spending YOUR income on activities for his kids. he should entertain them at HOME, where he can then also spend time with his other child and help his wife.
Tommar, I think that is
Tommar, I think that is correct... to an extent. I am okay with DH staying at home with DD6months while she is little and I don't mind picking up the finances during this time. The things that build resentment is that I am forced to leave my own home or stay in a bedroom in my own home when skids EOWE comes around AND have absolutely no break from DD for the entire weekend after working all week. It is all too much for one person to take on. If skids didn't stay at our home, and DH simply picked them up and spent time with them, DD6months and I could stay in our home, DH could still spend time with skids AND help with DD6months before and after DH's time with skids.
Foreverstacey, on non skid
Foreverstacey, on non skid weekends, we have the best time together as a family. We love to travel, go to shows, concerts, sporting games, parks, festivals, parties, camping etc. On non skid weekends we also have the luxury of having my Mom and Dad come over to watch DD6months on Friday or Saturday night so we can go do things together as a couple. (I do not feel comfortable having my Mom and Dad watch DD6months when the skids are at our home bc I do not want to drag my family into the web of uncertainty and accusations that BM has created... and I think my Mom and Dad would feel really uncomforable too). We are forced to cram everything into nonskids weekends bc it is really the only time we get together. When he has the skids, DD6months and I end up going to parties, etc. on our own without DH. So DH is missing out on a lot of events and outings with us.
Damn, I had a double lung
Damn, I had a double lung transplant in August and *I* do more than your husband.
That would be amazing!!
That would be amazing!!
Yes to all your questions.
Yes to all your questions. And I'm scratching my head...exactly why do you keep DH around? Please tell me he is incredibly hot, because I'm at a loss.
He's not contributing financially to your family at all, he's not removing the burden of keeping house, being married to him is the same as being divorced and living separately. Only if you lived separately you would not have to deal with stepkids.
The way things are right now, if you did divorce, you might have to pay him spousal support or child support.
He needs to get a full time job and help out with more around the house.
Just imagine if he had to get
Just imagine if he had to get a job that required him to work on the weekends he has skids... I think SD12 would lose her mind. haha!
I know what she means, of
I know what she means, of course, but I keep reading that as "Life is a dress rehearsal with only one costume change".
I'm with Sally. You said you
I'm with Sally. You said you pay his cell phone - that's your leverage. Give him his options:
1. Skids do not sleep at the house. He can see them any time he likes otherwise, he can even sleep at his mom's house with them, but they do not sleep in your home.
2. He takes over ALL cleaning, laundry, etc - everything a SAHM would do. An NO, for god's sake, a single 6 month old baby is NOT that much work. I have 3 kids under the age of 6 and my DH worked 7 days a week (gone before the kids woke up and home after bed time) for 2 freaking months - and I STILL managed to cook, clean, do laundry, etc etc etc. WITH THREE KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF SIX. His excuse doesn't hold water.
3. He can continue on as he has been - but he is CUT OFF. He gets not one single dime from you, not even to pay his cell phone. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
4. You will put DD in day care and start divorce proceedings on his ass.
Write it down, give it to him, and tell him "This is my breaking point. Pick one of those four. If you don't pick, I will."
Ordinarily I'd agree with you
Ordinarily I'd agree with you whole-heartedly. I've certainly given other posters who want to limit Dad's time with his kids grief!
But I think this situation is slightly different. She doesn't actually want him to give up his *visitation*, she's said she's fine if he gets them during the day. She just doesn't want them sleeping there. And again, normally I'd still say "selfish", except the boy is severely handicapped and is a safety issue.
In some ways I wish they could take the (neurotypical) girl for regular visitation and only take the boy during the day. If he's 8-months, he probably wouldn't notice or care. But I suspect that can't happen for a variety of reasons.
No, I don't think the OP is being selfish here. I just think that she's at her breaking point - she's given SO much, and let her DH take advantage so much, that now she's just DONE. "Selfish" to me would be "it's all about me", but I really see this more as "it can't be all about YOU any more".
So the BM of disabled child
So the BM of disabled child should never get a break either, just during the day every other weekend?
She gets the same break
She gets the same break during the day whether he sleeps at dad's or mom's, so it's hardly "never".
But honestly, the kid does need to go into an assisted living facility. BM isn't going to be safe from him either as he gets bigger - he'll hurt her during a tantrum, and it's not his fault. From what the OP said, BM doesn't want the boy living with her either - she was "furious" to be awarded custody - so I really have no idea why the boy is NOT in a home.
BM gets lots of breaks. She
BM gets lots of breaks. She gets food stamps, medicaid, rent subsidy, SS disability check. CS, AND free child care for SS14 through the medicaid waiver program. Both skids are in school, and SS14 gets free school year round. BM doesn't even have to work. I'm not worried about BM. I'm worried about my family. I will assure you, BM doesn't worry about me.
Remember, while I am working 10-12 hours a day and paying taxes to support BM's lifestyle, she is hanging out... NOT working.
I see what you're saying.
I see what you're saying. Maybe she could suggest he do visitation at his mom's? Seems like MIL is all about the "first" kids, she might go for that. Then OP doesn't have to deal with the safety issue and DH gets the same time with his kids.
Either way though, she needs to kick him in his lazy ass. He is NOT pulling his weight in their marriage, and that needs to end.
JennyD21, If BM passed away,
JennyD21, If BM passed away, then I would bow out of the marriage. That situation would not be in the best interest of DD6months. SS14 poses too much of a threat and I would be miserable. DH would have to get a couple full time jobs to support all of his kids and would be without vacations, concerts, shows, and fun. I, on the other hand, would have a lot more money AND lots of free time EOWE when he is with DD6months!
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Sueu2, Thank you for the
Sueu2, Thank you for the comment, but I think your opinion may be based on a misinterpretation of the facts. I have been anything but selfish through this process, both financially and otherwise. BM has personally taken me to court in an attempt to impute my income so she could collect CS from me. She has made unfounded and untrue accusations against me despite the wonderful things I was constantly doing for her kids, especially SD. We were great friends. BM cost me a lot of money in attorneys fees. BM turned SD12 into a spy and has put SD12 in the middle of everything. After the legal case, I completely disengaged. The decision to disengage was not only a personal decision, but was also made the pleading of my most trusting legal counsel who could see the dark ahead if I continued engaging with skids.
The things I mentioned above only cover the terrible acts BM did against me... she also did similar things to DH, which includes lying about the time sharing arrangement at the time to the state to obtain food stamps, etc. This caused the state to bring an unfounded action against DH... I could go on and on.
After disengaging, I was forced out of my home EOWE, which wasn't so bad as a person without a baby. I could stay late at the mall or out to dinner with friends. I could stay out of the house all day long, or go into the office and get a lot of extra work done. I did this to support DH. I never interfered with his time with the skids EOWE. THEN, I got pregnant. I was exhausted and just wanted to relax on weekends, BUT, I didn't. EOWE, I would still leave the home to DH and his skids... while paying a super majority of the bills. THEN, I had the baby. There is no way I can leave the home 15 hours a day with her. That would be completely unfair to her. My house is her ONLY house.... where DD6months toys and bed is located. As her mom, I want to be able to spend time with her after working all week. DD6months is in no way a burden to me, BUT, it would be nice to have a couple hours during the weekend to go for a run or . Remember, I work all week and when I get home I handle DD6months alone until bedtime since DH is working his part-time job at night. I do not have the luxury to even get my hair cut after work. I must rush home to relieve the nanny. I am literally rushing all week long. On the weekends the skids are not there, I don't want to go get my haircut, etc. bc those weekends are the ONLY time I get with my DH.
You mention that I want to take away the 4 days a month the skids spend with DH... I have two points to make with regard to this statement. 1) You have to take that in context. Technically speaking, bc of DH's work schedule to pay CS, the ONLY available time I have with DH is on the weekends, or 8 days a month. When 50% of those days are taken up entirely by Skids that I cannot be around, it is unfair to me. I am his wife. 2) Under my plan, he would still see them. They just wouldn't come to our home. He could pick them up on Saturday and Sunday during the day. That way our home is not disrupted and he still gets his time with the skids AND he will have time in early morning /evenings on those days to spend time with me. Once again, I am not asking him to not see them. There is no reason why they need to come to our home. SS14 poses a threat to the safety of SS6months, and both skids pose a threat to me in light of the things BM has done. It shouldn't be my problem... and it certainly shouldn't be DD6months problem.
I still think you would be
I still think you would be better off without this guy. But, the fact that you only see your husband for 8 days a month is not the SKs problem either. Why aren't you seeing him mid week if he only works 15 hours a week, does he work from 5-8 pm five days a week?
They deserve to have a dad involved in their life for at least 4 days a month.