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A simple comment put me in the "Crosshairs of Blame"

jam's picture

My ss21 has been estranged from my dh & I for 9 months now. At one time he had been estranged from us for over a year. Anyway my dh seems to beat himself up and I get tired of it. Last night we were talking about how kids stay on their parents insurance until age 26. Before the 2nd estrangement my ss had joined the military and told my dh that he could get his own coverage cheap for about $50.00 bucks. My dh told ss that he thought that was a good idea for him to take care of his own coverage. A few months after that conversation is when ss chose to go into the 2nd estrangement which brings us up to the present.

So last night my dh says that maybe because he was not providing coverage for ss, could be the reason ss has chosen not to have anything to do with him. My reply was, "Well that sounds like a good reason to never talk to you again!" Yes, I was being sarcastic! At that point my dh says that I am spraying him with poison against his kids and goes into I am trying to drive a wedge between him and his kids. I hold back but I wanted so much to just scream at him. How is it my fault that two of his three kids are estranged from him? I am just amazed! The last time I saw msd was when I went to her baby shower & delivered baby gifts. (which by the way, the shower was at bm's and I really did not want to go but did because dh did not want msd to feel rejected). The last time I saw ss21 was when he crashed a get together at our new home that I was having with a couple of neighbor friends. ss new we were entertaining friends but told dh that was the only day he could see us. DH of course did not mind at all. I think SS resents that dh & I after ten years decided to move out of the marital home dh had with first family.

Anyway, I have been nothing but kind. I have been a good sm but I get blamed for the estrangement! Go figure!

jam's picture

I wish I had a good answer to your question that would make me feel better about myself but I don't. I was a bit taken by surprise yet really I was not surprised. What I mean by that is this. I have learned that if I have/had a problem with one of the skids, my dh would always defend the skids. I had decided that I was not going to say anything about his kids. If he mentioned something I was totally going silent. If I am silent for some strange reason my dh will come to the conclusion I was pointing to anyway. I have grown tired over the years of dh always defending the skids. While my dh was going off on me I was standing there thinking "I wish I would have just continued my silence".

Exjuliemccoy's picture

notasm for the win again!!!

If it wasn't the insurance coverage, it would have been something else. It's always something with a hateful skid. At bottom, they are adversarial. They don't want peace.

Once during an argument my DH tried to blame me for our skid problems. "Well, you've had problems with all of them, Julie. It must be your fault. You're the common denominator." I retorted that he was also a common denominator and that the many failures of his maladjusted kids couldn't be laid at the foot of someone whose influence was peripheral at best. But it's just so much easier to blame the outsider SM.

I second the recommendation of marriage counseling. Your relationship is about to change, because the scales have fallen from your eyes and there will be more turbulent times ahead with your DH's kids. Maybe couching it in a positive way like marriage building would encourage your DH to go?

jam's picture

Totally appreciate the advise. I actually was a bit mad at myself because I had decided I was no longer going to encourage or be part of any discussion about his kids. Had a moment of lapse and fell off the wagon. I will get back on the wagon and as you called it "Radio Silence" it will be.

still learning's picture

I'll save you several hundred dollars and relay what my counselor said to me (in a nutshell) when I was concerned about how horribly ss30 was treating DH. "Do not listen to DH whine about ss30 and their terrible relationship. If he "dumps" on you then he doesn't have to deal with HIS situation. He fully needs to deal with HIS child and the feelings that come with the treatment he's receiving. Let him know you love him and are supportive then change the subject."

Like you I was DH's cheerleader and teammate. I listened, defended DH against the skids when they were ungrateful jerks. DH accused me of "ragging" on ss30. DH said, "I have to defend him from you!" So like you, I am now silent when it comes to skid issues. DH gets to deal. I leave the room if there is a phone conversation with him or if people are talking about him. Funny thing is that there are very little skid issues now that i don't give a rats ass!

jam's picture

Thank you!

Being a sm is like being a police office that is called out on a domestic depute. The office only wants to defend the victim being abused but finds himself having to defend himself from the vicious victim.

still learning's picture

When DH calls you into one of these situations w/ss make sure you've retired your badge! It's a lose lose for you to get involved at all. He dealt with his darling children before you were in the picture and he can do it again. Who knows, maybe he'll get tired of it.

kathc's picture

It's always OUR fault. That's why we should just ignore, move on and forget they exist.

jam's picture

The sarcasm was because it is simply a ridiculous reason for his son to abuse him. Yes I said ABUSE. To ignore a father who has raised you, worked hard to support you, and above all else has loved you, is flat out ABUSE. My dh wondering if the insurance situation was the reason this time is total BS. If it had not been that it would have been some other bs reason and yes my dh did blame me. I have done nothing but be a good sm and a good wife.

jam's picture

Ok, if you want to split hairs. You don't like me using the word blame. How about the word accused. Accused of driving a wedge between him and his kids. I have not! The wedge between him and his kids was not put there by me. I was accused of it.

sandye21's picture

The OP admitted that she was sarcastic. But DH was overly hostile. Her comment did not justify, "I am spraying him with poison against his kids and goes into I am trying to drive a wedge between him and his kids." As another poster pointed out, it appears a there's some projection going on. He's super touchy because his kids are alienating him, and he's taking it out on SM. If SM is stone silent when he whines about being alienated DH would probably get mad at her for that too. Maybe counseling would help, but I'd suggest saying, "That's sad." The end, change the subject.

jam's picture

My ss is still in the military and he had told my dh that his coverage was 50 bucks.... but if that is not the case it will not be the first time ss has lied.

Also, I realize the insurance thing is no reason for estrangement and that was the reason for my sarcasm.

jam's picture

Now that I think about it I believe my ss thought that if he told his dad that he had a cost at all that my dh would just go ahead and leave him on our insurance. I did not know that there was no cost at all and the only thing that makes sense to me is ss wanted dh to have a cost. I swear it is like my skids want to hurt him intentionally anyway they can.

jam's picture

I guess really there is no sense to be found in it. I don't know if it is possible but maybe ss could let my dh provide the coverage through his employment and not use it. Just let dad pay out more for having him covered. We just thought ss should take care of himself.

The insurance is really not the issue although it is interesting for me to learn there is no cost for ss.

Rags's picture

I keep trying to dump my Skid from my coverage since he has been in the USAF for nearly 4 years. My company keeps him on my insurance. :?

I think the insurance co is using the coverage to age 26 mandate to scam money.

Rags's picture

Ditz,

I finally got clarity with the benefits dept. SS is only listed as my dependent on life insurance for beneficiary purposes. No med coverage from me.

Good to know. Hopefully he will do his 20 and be able to keep coverage through the USAF.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your skids' relationship with their father is very dysfunctional, and that has nothing to do with you or anything you've done or said.

What's changed is you see it for what it is and are no longer going with the flow. This will continue to cause problems in your marriage if you don't do something about it. Look at FormerAAgirl and the wonderful counsellor she found. Your DH needs help. He's been getting by with the philosophy "let's just pretend everything's great and maybe someday it will be" (page 12 of the ostrich parent manual?), but that only works if you play along with him. A counsellor familiar with blended family issues could help him (and you) navigate the reality of his screwed up kids.

hismineandours's picture

Your dh is grasping at straws, trying to figure out how his kid could turn his back on him. It's much easier to think it is because of health insurance rather than- " my son is just an asshole" or even "maybe I was a shitty dad". I am sure your dh knows deep down that it has nothing to do with healthcare but he prefers denial. Your comment only highlighted how ridiculous it is for him to believe that. But, since you daredto be sarcastic it gave him the perfect opening to displace his anger toward his son, or even himself onto you. That way he doesn't even have to think about why the kid has no interest in him- because he can just focus on you and your "poison"

Yeah, I've been there, don't that a lot. Now my favorite responses to comments regarding my ss are things like, "hhhmmm". Or sometimes just a head nod.

jam's picture

Totally agree. Funny you give me advise to shrug ss BS off like a duck shakes off water. That is the same advise my dh gives me only he is giving it to me in a "you need to suck it up" kind of way. DH says "water off a ducks back". That how he thinks I am suppose to react to skid rude treatment toward me.

My marriage is generally good. I love my husband. The big problem we have and have had all revolve around skid crapola! There are times I feel that my dh see's the skid problem as what it is "SKID PROBLEM". Other times, I feel the table gets turned and I am seen as the problem.

Today, I have been thinking about it all and have come to the conclusion that I have been my husbands, cheerleader, comforter, defender, and scape goat. I will continue to be his cheerleader, comforter and defender with everything but his kids. I am going silent.

jam's picture

My dh has reached out to him several times. SS will not answer his phone and will not return phone calls. All attempts by my dh to communicate with ss has been in vain.

peacemaker's picture

Well two things come to my mind when I hear the "blame and control" game..usually when it is coming from the skids...it is about them not being accountable for themselves...and usually when it comes from the dh...it is about them not being accountable for themselves either...the blame gets shifted to the nearest "scapegoat"...and a new lie is formed so the step mom get thrown under the bus as their "answer" to most everything in life...What a life...

and one extremely helpful tip a counselor once gave me when it came to the skid issues was...How big to you want to make this issue in your life? You can make it a "10"...but, it really doesn't compare to starving to death in a concentration camp"...

I found his advice empowering...I decided to make most step kid issues a 1 or possibly 2...what a wonderful gift to have back..The power of "choice"...that directly has an effect on my personal happiness...I am no longer at their mercy to "find out" whether I am the victim again today...i just step over it and keep moving...then get on with my life...When it comes to my dh blaming me for his children's current state...I remind him...they are a direct result of the upbringing between him and his ex...I did not contribute to their brokeness...he doesn't get to play that card...there is no truth in that....If he did not want any controversy with them...He should not have gotten re married to me...He should have stayed playing the "rug" the rest of his life...Being humiliated by his ex, and her children...the problem isn't the step parent...It is the fact that this family is still broken....and they are looking for someone else to peg it on....so they can continue to be mad at the world because their parents did not CHOOSE to stay together....

So do yourself a favor...and CHOOSE what number you want to make this in your life...I have gotten along so much better now that it is not the biggest problem in my universe .....(hope that helps)....peace.

peacemaker's picture

Thanks...

.In the scope of life this stuff can steal from you your most valuable asset...time.

jam's picture

When you have been thrown under the bus of step-life, it really does help hearing from those that are familiar with that bus route. Great advise. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

still learning's picture

So true peacemaker. My bio father blamed his partner (my defacto step mother) on his lack of relationship with me and why he didn't raise me or my other half sisters. Basically it was ALL her fault, she was jealous of us girls....blah blah. She was no saint as she was married and had several other children at the time when she had an affair with my father and got pregnant. My father left her, got my mother pregnant, left my mom then went back to defacto sm. My mother and bio father blamed her for everything! It was quite confusing during my teen years but now I see that my father was just a shitty father. He half assedly parented one child out of the four he had. We made our peace in his later years but there is no way SM was to blame, his absence was HIS choice.

peacemaker's picture

The problem with the blame game is...they cannot fix an issue until they can put on their big girl panties and admit that they have one...So, nothing ever gets resolved....They still have the same issues they had 20 years ago..." I made the truth available to them....they refused....so, I left them to their delusional way of thinking.....You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.....

sandye21's picture

"My question is??? do you think she will ever give it up?" If DH is OK with your disengagement keep going as you have. Do you have to physically see them when DH interacts with them? Or does he go out to visit them? You are in close proximity to SD so it is understandable that you would be concerned you will run into her. Every time you start worrying about this, force yourself to think of something else. If you run into her in the store, simply walk away and treat her as if she is non-existent. Hold your head high. In this way, you will let her know she is not worthy of your time or respect. She isn't. If she whines to DH, let her. As long as he isn't coming back to you and expecting you to act differently toward her.

I am not only disengaged from SD, she is not allowed in our home which really helps. Plus she lives in another state. If I saw her today I would not give her the time of day. After all, this is the way I was treated by her for 20 years.

peacemaker's picture

Perhaps the question to ask yourself is not "Do you think she will ever give up?...because that means your focus remains on the behaviors of another person ...which you have no control over...leaving you powerless when it comes to breaking free...you have given her too much control over the outcome....Perhaps the question you might ask yourself is...why have I put off living an abundant life based on this one person's choices? How did she get that much power and control over my destiny?...

Instead your freedom should be defined by the ability to capture becoming your truest self. (the person you were created to be)..without having to determine your happiness based on whether anyone else changes or not...what she chooses to do or not do should not weigh in on the matter of your peace....She may never change...she may get worse...how much power are you going to give her? and for how long? How long will you be satisfied to put your destiny on hold for them to get it...you cheat yourself out of so much in life when you relinquish beaming the real you to something else....The rest of us benefit greatly when you reach your freedom because that is where you really bring to the table you gifts and talents and the individually dynamic attributes that make you who you were originally intended to be...when you come into the fullness of who you really are...the whole world benefits because you have something so unique...so originally yours...no one else can replace you when you don't show up for the life you were intended to live...When we get our eyes off that prize and focus too much on someone else...we could end up forfeiting our own individual race....

you are not responsible for the choices of others...They aren't at a point where they know how to get free themselves...and you are holding your breath and putting life off hoping they will somehow figure it out...life is shorter than you think...None of us have as much time as we suppose...release them. and get focused on your own journey...

...Freedom is where it is at......it has nothing to do with them....It has everything to do with the power of personal choice....

peacemaker's picture

it's not easy skeeter...Some days I have to go back and read my own posts just to encourage myself to stay on track...

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Agree peacemaker. It can be tough. We are human too and even though we disengage there are still things that bring up the problems. And let's be honest, as long as these cretins are on this earth, there will always be a bond with our DHs.

The other day I was considering signing us up for that one way trip to Mars just to get away from my SD. Then I realized I was too old. Just kidding, but it did pop into my mind and make me laugh. A sense of humor is a good thing to have.

peacemaker's picture

..the hard part is...even though I have disengaged for over 2 years now...i am still dealing with the adverse effect their mental games have had on me for over 26 years...The baggage that I now have to deal with because of my experience with their messed up lives has been life altering. It is like getting out of a cult and now having to go through de programming all the damage they caused me and my children...and why in the heck did I allow myself to be treated like that for so long?

I'm not trying to muster up self pity...they are honest assessments and heart probing questions that I need to get to the truth of the matter, so I do not repeat this kind of martyr-type abusive tolerating...behavior in myself...

I will continue that journey toward personal freedom...the answers I have learned so far, have had a profound effect on my life...Once I stepped out of that culture...it was a point of no return for me.

sandye21's picture

Peacemaker, You described disengaging from SD to a tee. At first it really IS like escaping from a cult! There were times I wanted to 'mend fences' to gain SD's approval again. But the longer I have stayed away from SD the more clear all of it becomes. Even the little subtle exclusions and rolling eyeballs would not be no longer be acceptable to me. Dealing with SD was like being exposed to a dog who has a reputation for biting. You're always on guard. Now I would NEVER return!

peacemaker's picture

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