He left

Newimprvmodel's picture

He left and I am not so sure that He will come back. He returned to his house, which has been a glaring issue since we married. Lately we see each other maybe 3 nights a week. He is a workaholic, gets up at 3 or 4 am and when he is here he sits at my dining room table with his computer mostly. And he will put it down when I call him to eat. He is no longer light hearted, but just a bore frankly. He was here this weekend,,but spent yesterday obsessing over entering all our combined bills in an electronic bookkeeping program. My daughter and I went to the mall shopping. In all the years, he has never ever gone shopping with me there.
But today what pushed our marriage over the edge was a simple thing. My daughter had a tutor coming at 9 am, who ended up cancelling. I wake up at 8 to him vacuuming the whole house. Now I see him in the mornings maybe once a week, if that? When I ask him why he must do this on a Sunday morn he tells me that the house is an embarrassment it is so dirty. That really is not accurate and it is damn insulting. So I make breakfast and sit alone, all the while thinking why am I with someone who is so,damn obsessive? We have words, he calls me abusive and he leaves. I am not really sad, just frustrated. He basically has become my accountant, handyman, but not an intimate partner anymore. He really does lots of manual work here, but the time spent together is so little. I am frustrated!
Any thoughts? I just really want someone to spend time with me, and I have said this so many times. He clearly is an obsessive compulsive personality. Constantly rearranging my refrigerator and shelves, constantly criticizing me. My house is not in shambles! It actually is a beautiful home.

fedupstep's picture

^^THIS^^

Let him go and pout on his own. Don't call, text or chase after him. Asking for someone to spend time with you is not unreasonable. He has issues that he has to deal with and you can't fix that. *hugs*

Newimprvmodel's picture

And I clearly see how we both bring our baggage to this wreck of a marriage. I was married to a high powered attorney who was never home. Time spent together is the most important thing so why did I marry a guy I essentially do not live with????? His ex wife was a cheat and a screamer who would rip him a new a?&@ every time she got angry at him. So for him to leave because I got angry today was ludicrous. I didn't yell at all and I don't curse or belittle. I told him that it puzzles me why he stayed with such an abusive wife who was cheating for years, and he still wanted her back, yet today this disagreement was brought on by me wanting more time with him, and he leaves, claiming he won't be abused anymore in a relationship??? Go figure........

SugarSpice's picture

lol! sounds like he is a retired military. i hear some are truly ocd from all the time in the service. my dh treats like is a militaqry mission except when it comes to the skids. one skid actually got kicked out of the military.

Newimprvmodel's picture

He tells me I should have thanked him for vacuuming and let him know when breakfast was ready. He does not see how emotionally distant that has become.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Yes cat lettuce, lately I feel better when he is not here. I would not call him abusive, but he is very controlling, very obsessive, and rigid. His way is always the right way. He criticized me this morning on his way out because I do not enter my receipts into his electronic program quickly enough. We have separate houses, separate bank accounts, bills, yet he insists that I enter every dime I spend in his electronic program and get this......on every receipt he has, he puts a filing number on it! He spends 4 or 5 hours Saturday afternoon doing this craziness. He sees every penny I spend and frankly I do not like it. He doesn't criticize my spending, but he pours over all my bills and wants to make a log of every dime I spend. And as I said, we have totally separate everything. Honestly, if he were to pass away first his rotten ex and daughters would have access to all my affairs and investments.
Look, he doesn't mean harm by it, but it IS very controlling and again, I blew my top at the vacuuming at 8 am on a Sunday morning....it was the icing on the cake.

Disneyfan's picture

Why do you keep going along with this? Just tell him no and stick to it. You don't live in the same house and you don't share finances. Refusing to go along with his craziness is a no brainer.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I came back and found these additional comments you have made, OP. Do you think that your DH is trying to counter-act the total financial chaos caused by his daughters who refuse to pay off their loans, and by the uncertainty as to when the CS will stop for the younger one, by obsessively logging all his expenses and demanding the same from you? I honestly do not see this as his attempts to control you but as his attempts to control the chaos - which is futile given the cast of heartless characters he is dealing with. How much can a guy take? No wonder he has nothing to give... he must be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

He should seriously see someone... this is not healthy. I am very sorry that you are not getting the intimacy you want but it also seems as if he is doing anything and everything he can to avoid having to face his feelings...

Newimprvmodel's picture

No, this is nothing knew for him. He used the same bookkeeping program when he was married. In fact when I scroll through to find categories, there are still categories for his ex wife! Yet I tried to go along and keep my mouth shut. No, he has been the same controlling person for years. Trying to fix everyone and everything.

SugarSpice's picture

control IS a form of abuse. its time to own up to it. my dh is the same and he is abusive and controlling. not the man who would give a black eye but the kind who micro manages every tiny aspect of the house.

its good you have separate finances. this will be better when you leave.

own up. he is abusive and controling.

goingslowlycrazy's picture

I have the same thing, my OH is completely controlling and very OCD ..I remember one beautiful summer day I asked him if we could go and sit in the park. We live in an apartment, he told me not to be ridiculous, the house needed tidying..I went on my own. Mine too will walk straight in the door and not even say hello , just get out the vacuum .,nothing I do is good enough, fast enough or thorough enough, apart from in the bedroom and even there he's very controlling

Newimprvmodel's picture

Absolutely not, and from my reading of people with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, it is everyone else with the problem. I could give so many examples of his perfectionism.....hours to pack the car a certain way, but numbering every receipt he gets, even for a cup of coffee is simply mind numbing......

goingslowlycrazy's picture

Mind numbing and training..I'm with you..

goingslowlycrazy's picture

Mind numbing and training..I'm with you..

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I am so sorry to hear about this new development, NAI. To me it sounds like your husband has a lot of repressed anger that he is mis-directing at you. His horrid daughters and his ex are the ones who abuse him emotionally and financially, but they are too far for him to deal with them easily, whereas taking his ( poorly articulated ) anxiety or anger at your book-keeping is just a red herring. He seems very irritable which could indicate depression and his obsessive cleaning and working is probably the only way he knows how to keep depression and/or anxiety at bay.

He really needs to see someone, a psychiatrist and a therapist, to come to grips. I completley sympathize with you and with your DH - he must feel rotten about wasting years and thousands on dollars of a bunch of witches who he let get away with murder, but now that he is with you , you will pay the price of their shenanigans as he is not emotionally available due to all the crap that has accumulated. The person in the next relationship pays for the sins of the .. bitch in the previous relationship. I had some of that too.

Keep us posted! I hope your DH is able to work through this tough period. Just take it day by day right now. Hugs!

grace8205's picture

Try to enjoy the peace and quiet for now, it will give you time to figure out what the next step is. Wheter it is counselling to work on things or a divorce. It sounds like neither of you are happy in the current situation and there needs to be some work or cut ties because you are not a good match to each other.
It sounds like a very lonely marriage for you and I am not sure why you DH has become a bore when it sounds like he had light hearted moments before in the relationship.
Living separately does not help, doesn't seem like he is full committed because he always has his place to run back to.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

sandye21's picture

"When I ask him why he must do this on a Sunday morn he tells me that the house is an embarrassment it is so dirty. That really is not accurate and it is damn insulting." It appears he was looking for justification for leaving. Now he has it, doesn't he? Whether it's true or not. It's obvious communication between two of you has broken down entirely. The fact that he kept his house and you have had at best a part-time marriage shows there is no commitment on his part. I'll bet if you suggest counseling he will refuse.

One thing you need to do is get your financial business out of his hands immediately. Then go to counseling yourself so you can have help with your future direction.

still learning's picture

I'm going to play devil's advocate here }:) . You state that he never goes shopping with you at the mall and that you just want someone to spend time with you. Well do you have friends that you can do these kinds of things with. Your husband cannot fill 100% of your needs. You really should have some outside interests and friends.

"He tells me I should have thanked him for vacuuming and let him know when breakfast was ready." Did you thank him? Are you communicating with him that meals are ready or do you expect him to read your mind? My DH practically lives in his man cave so I have to yell down that chow is ready or he'd never eat.

You say he is controlling but you blew you top that he vacuumed @ 8am on a Sunday yet you have a tutor coming over @ 9am.

"He does not see how emotionally distant that has become." It sounds like you have become emotionally distant as well. Sounds like he wanted to eat breakfast with you but you didn't let him know it was ready so you chose to eat alone.

This guy manages the finances, cleans up when people are coming over, fixes things around the house and you're complaining that he won't go to the mall with you. Would you be happier if he was lazy, sloppy, unemployed and you were in debt but he went shopping with you so you could be more in debt?

If we turned this around and it was you who was cleaning, fixing things and doing the budget while he was out shopping at the mall with his kid and not letting you know breakfast was ready everyone would be all over the lazy inconsiderate good for nothing. What if you vacuumed so that the house would be clean for his kid's tutor @ 9am and he blew his top?

Just the devil's advocate here.

SugarSpice's picture

control freaks are that way because other aspects of their lives are out of control. its a comfort for them. dh was that way when skids were very young and bm called the shots. she had him whipped and he jumped at her commands.

goingslowlycrazy's picture

So is that why they try and control us? I often ask my SO would you prefer it if I was a hard ass and totally selfish, not doing anything for anyone..I'm getting tougher sadly

Turbodog's picture

He sounds like me in a way and like my relationship of 6 yrs. I was sick of him not doing anything and me doing everything around the house. I became very angry.
Not to mention having to beg yes beg for sex.
It was so ridiculous he agreed to have sex every other Saturday he had off. Yeah
So I told him to go. He was never going to change and I wasted years.
Sometimes they're just mr. Wrong.