After 5 years... I'm still an outsider
A couple of weeks ago dh checked ss13 phone and found naked pictures and texts on it from older man. He said he went to the police station and that is all I've been told. When I try to talk to him about it he says it's not me but he can't talk about it. Even when I said ok I don't wang to know gory details... Just what police said. I'm met with silence. It pisses me off that obviously bm and dh have talked about this and I'm sure her partner and Gbm know too so I'm the only one who doesn't in the situation. It has made me feel very hateful the past few weeks and very resentful. May I add we have skids every single weekend, this is the second night of watching shitty children films and I got so angry I just left and went to bed. Why bother when I'm not even seen as part of the family (rhetorical question) *sigh*
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Totally agree, the only
Totally agree, the only exception to the "come to Jesus" or not being told would be IF the male in question was known to the family and likely to be in the family home (I am guessing not) and if the SM had her own kids in the mix who were likely to come into contact with that individual.
Those details you SHOULD be told, the rest you really need to help and be supportive in the background.
To a point. I mean, I
To a point. I mean, I personally don't think kids call the shots, so if a kid doesn't want me to tell xyz about something that happened (like getting or sending naked pics) then don't do it.
That being said, if the skid is a victim, and the Dad is trying to keep the skid's privacy... why wouldn't the Dad tell the SM what he's doing? Why just silence? That's just disrespectful. Instead of being a dick, he could say, "Sorry, SM, but I'm keeping skid's confidence and won't be telling you the details. However, xyz happened and I have been assured by the police that none of us are at all at risk."
Because Dad is freaking out
Because Dad is freaking out inside already. He is trying to deal (or not deal) with this himself, he has his own emotions as well to deal with and he may just not be ready to talk about it.
Trust me on this one. Dad is most likely struggling with his own feelings about what has happened. Yes, ideally he would be open with SM and talk all about the incident and his feelings and it would all be a great big therapy session and everyone would walk away feeling validated and kept in the loop, all feelings would be explored and expressed, support would be asked for and given.... and unicorns walk the streets.
Most men struggle with their DAILY normal emotions, talking about this before he is ready is just not going to happen. Yes, it would be the best thing for everyone, but that won't make it happen. He will be feeling guilt, helplessness, horror, shame... a whole gamut of emotions that HE needs to process on his own first. And he may NEVER do that. He may be like my ex-OH and put it all in a big chest with a big padlock and chains around it, and throw it into the deepest recesses of his mind, never to be opened and dealt with. And that will probably destroy him as a parent AND as a partner, as it did my ex-OH. I have PM's the OP as I have been through this. She needs to speak to a counsellor about the best way to help her OH deal with this. But getting pissy pants and demanding the information because "she has a right to know" BS will NOT help anyone.
Luchay - "getting pissy pants
Luchay - "getting pissy pants and demanding the information because "she has a right to know" BS will NOT help anyone." Well, I'm on board with you there.
And you have a lot of insight and understanding into the male of the species here. I do agree that her DH failing to be a grownup about dealing with HIS $hit could be his undoing as a parent and a partner... and I guess that was fundamentally MY point.
I get so tired of seeing women protect men from themselves. Men don't have to grow up because women will just take care of everything. I don't see it everywhere, but I see it a lot. Especially in situations like this.
Of course the Dad is going through hell - if what we understand to be going is in fact the situation. And instead of being a grownup, he's acting like a kid. And his wife is supposed to be ok with it, because if she expects him to act like a grownup, most likely the marriage would end because he can't do any better.
What does this say about the future of mankind? Deep freakin' sigh.
No, I think you misunderstood
No, I think you misunderstood me. I don't think she should just back away and let him bury it, or protect him from his feelings etc. I just think that barrelling in demanding to know because she lives there etc, is the wrong approach.
She needs to help him, just as I would expect him to help her if the tables were turned.
When we go through something difficult (especially the emotional stuff) we need to be able to count on our partners to help us through it - in a way that HELPS us and doesn't trample all over us. Male or female - we all have the right to sometimes have difficult times and for our partners to be understanding while we try and deal with it as best we can.
Ok, yes, I did misunderstand
Ok, yes, I did misunderstand you. I guess I was seeing how if HE's unkind to her while she's trying to help, it's kind of a death knoll. But it's also true that if SHE's running roughshod over his needs during a difficult time, that's a death knoll too.
Thanks for clarifying.
dupe
dupe
It doesn't matter whether the
It doesn't matter whether the bad guy is family, known to the family, or a stranger - SM should be told about him and shown what he looks like. How does she know if the bad guy knows where SS lives? Bad guy could know where SS goes to school or where SS hangs out. SM should know what he looks like in case she sees him.
I am sure DH is freaked out.
I am sure DH is freaked out. This is a pic of a NAKED MAN! OMG! You have to be careful when texting. Could this been an error? EXAMPLE...Family male was sending it to a GF...send to SS in error. It is easy to do. I am not say that is what happen. I am sure, your DH is wondering if his son is into men and NOT girls.
I guess my last comment...was
I guess my last comment...was just wishful thinking...hoping it was a dumb screw up somehow. If your DH went to the police, he must know who this guy is. I do not know your SS or your DH. Men are funning about opening up to things. I would want to know who this man is.
Do you have other children in the home? I would try to have a heart to heart talk with your DH to get him to open up. If he does not, I would go to the police myself. SS is not your son. However, he is in your household at times. I think that gives you the right to know.