suzannetiago's picture

Bullying Stepchildren

I am a stepmother to three children ages 16,9 & 8 years old. They are all boys. I have no children of my own. I am finding it very difficult with the younger two children, they stay with their mother most nights and there is weekend access and 1 weeknight stay. The younger two children do not listen to me at all. They are very nasty to me, hitting, spitting, and bullying me. I am in a very difficult position as I am unable to discipline them and end up saying very little to them when they swear at me calling me a fuc***** c***, bitch etc. They are very rude and despite me making an concerted effort with them for nearly over a year and a half i.e taking them for days out on my own with them, spending quality time playing with them it has been to no avail. They are rude, obnoxious ungrateful and just generally not very nice children. Their extended family, aunts, uncles, friends of family spend very little time with them as they are very unruly, badly behaved etc. The general concensus is that they are simply not nice. I have no children of my own and I have tried to make them my friends but it just has not worked. They are just so nasty to me, I have started to withdraw from them, talk very little to them and just keep myself busy when they are round. They say that they hate me, wish I was dead. I have started to feel very frightened of them and absolute dread it when they come round because they are so demanding, I want, I want, I want. they expect me to cook, get drinks for them, play with etc and then say absolute disgusting things to me for no apparent reason. The father does very little to discipline them when they hit or swear at me as he is forever the guilty father. More and more I am staretd to do less with them and I am really questioning my realtionship with the father as they are always going to be part of his life. But I feel I simply cannot be treated like a punch bag for his children. I need some advice, I do not swear at them never hit them back I just walk away and call a friend for support. The father is forever masking their behvaiour behind the fact they are children and they will learn with age. He gives me no support and feel very alone and bullied by a 9 & 8 year old. The 16 year old is fine.


happy's picture

Ok so you

cannot do anything and your husband is "ball less with his own sons" who will continue to be "abusive".

Does he love you? Respect you? If he does then for the sake of your marriage he best try to pull his balls back down and be there father. Being there friend is not his job, his job is to teach them right from wrong. Which he is certainly not doing in my opinion.

I am very opinionated on this subject, I grew up in an abusive home for awhile while I was little. And men, boys whatever should not touch a woman in that manner. Its not acceptable.

Makes you wonder how they treat there very own mother.

You need to take a stance today with your husband. By him letting his sons mistreat you says that he does not care. Well if he loves you his wife at all he will take a stance and quit disrespecting you. And by that he may not directly be disrespecting you but he is because he is allowing his sons..

Which if he is parenting out of guilt then go back to there mom until they are adults.

It makes me sick that parents are feeling guilty and think they are doing a good thing by parenting out of guilt. Well when one of his sons hits there teacher or something and they go to Juvie.. then you can say I told you so.

If you love yourself and respect your self at all then take a stance today.

I am here to support you..
Before they really get bigger and beat you or something and then it will be to late..

I am livid for you. I am sorry if I offended you or anyone else..

Happy

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Happy

new evil stepmom's picture

they need discipline.....

you need to discipline these children if bf is not. they do not learn from age, they learn from discipline. you all need to go to group counselling. the counsellor will tell bf that the kids need discipline and need to appologize to you when they disrespect you.

new evil stepmom's picture

nanny 911

you need to call nanny 911

happy's picture

You know..

I just have to say that I got an application for that show for my sister anon. of course because she is disfunctional parenting her and her hubby and they do not know it. The application is like 16 pages or something. Its crazy.
I do like that show though. Sometimes I watch and think OMG I would I don't know like want to cry if that were me.
Just thought I would share..

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Happy

OldTimer's picture

I love that show!

I think that my SS's BM could stand to use that show with her two youngest, I tell you! LOL.

Man, if your sis gets on the show, boy won't that be an eye opener for her, huh. I sometimes wish that Dr. Phil could just pop on it sometime and whip around some advice here and there to my DH or me. LOL.

Believe it or not, a few years ago, I did write to the Dr. Phil show about my situation, and they actually called me! I was shocked! But, I had to turn down the opportunity to appear on the show, because I just couldn't think how on earth was I going to get my DH or BIL to do this?!?! (At the time, they were looking for 'grown' men and women who were munching off of their parents/families.... my BIL fit the bill to a t, and no matter what, I couldn't get DH to see it and I was ready to move out because of a 40 year old man living in my house who did absolutely NOTHING.)

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

—

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

suzannetiago's picture

Thank you for your advice

Happy, one thing really has kinda hit home is the lack of respect the father must have for me. I would never in a million years let my children talk to him or any adult like that. I can't say anything to the children as their behaviour just gets worse and I have in the past made a mistake of retaliating which led huge arguments. Case example as a joke I called one of the children a dog killer(just as joke the dog was fine all in jest I assure you), the 8 year old took it as a joke, half an hour later he threw a tantrum told his father I called him a dog killer and said that he hated me and he did not want to go anywhere with me and he wanted to go to his mums. His father said that I should not speak to children in that way and I explained the situation but again it was my fault. They are constantly threating their father that they never want to see him, or they want to go to their mothers house etc.. and he lives in fear of his children not wanting to see him.

happy's picture

I am sorry

Well I hope that you will at least take a stand with hubby on the amount of disrespect. Maybe disrespect him some and when he becomes angry then tell him oh does that bother you, I wouldn't know anything about that at all. LOL. I hate to say fight fire with fire but I would ..

Come here as much as you need..
Hugs, happy

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Happy

Stepmom_C's picture

I'm going through the same thing with stepdaughters

I'm going through the same thing with stepdaughters but they live with me (ages 10 & 5). My husband is supportive and continues to tell them to respect me, not to talk to me that way etc... but it seems to continue mainly with the 10yr old. In my situation, the biomom tells the girls to hit me, ignore me, not mind me and so on. What I'm trying now is IGNORING. They want me to put their hair in a ponytail in the morning, "I'm busy"... you want me to fold your clothes and put them up, "not anymore".... I'm answering them when asked questions but keeping it brief and not giving anymore than absolute answers. Going to try this for a week and then have a heart to heart & explain that I'll do these things but only if you show some respect.

Your husband should back you...if he's not then have him do everything for the kids when they are there. Who's cooking, doing their laundry etc? You need to be "busy" unless they show some appreciation and respect. I think it's your husbands job to discipline them. Our therapist told us that if the stepparent disciplines too early then it can permanently ruin the bond...he needs to step up and you need to back away from them for a while. GOOD LUCK -

Anne 8102's picture

Dad's fault

This is dad's problem to fix. If he doesn't step up to the plate and fix it, then I'd say you have two choices... call the police the next time you are assaulted or leave. I would definitely tell dad that he can either discipline his children or let the authorities do it, but one way or another, you refuse to be abused in your own home. At 8 and 9, yes, they are only children, but they won't just grow out of it on their own. They have to be taught the difference between right and wrong and dad is failing them miserably in this regard. Whatever they learn about treating the women in their life, they are learning from him now and what he is teaching them is that it's acceptable to treat wives/mothers/women like something they'd scrape off their shoe. They won't be in the single digits forever... before long, they will be ten, fourteen, seventeen. They will be bigger, stronger and able to inflict even greater damage. I wouldn't wait around for that to happen.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

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ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

OldTimer's picture

Oh, it is sooo the dad in this....

Hmmm.... I'm on board with Anne.

When the crap hits the fan, leave. There's no reason to take this.

Boy, if this were me, I'd back hand my DH in a heartbeat every time the kids said some inappropriate or assaulted me like that. Or chase him around the room with a rolling pin... Why, because since you can't take it out on the kids, hell, I'd take it out on him with vengeance. Tell him you're picking on someone your own size! LOL.

It's like Anne said, he's teaching them to behave this way with women, so guess what. Since he doesn't have respect for you, should you have respect for him? I'd start walking around him, and cutting him short, giving him crap, and belittling him. See how he likes it. Dish it back to DH. Maybe the light bulb will go off? And if he got mad, guess what... well, since you don't seem to care about my feelings, I certainly could give a damn about what you think.

Can you tell, I'm in an ornery mood right now, because this stuff really bothers me. LOL. Evil

The other thing is have you tried to reverse it? Get really EXCITED with the kids, and tell them- hey you can do better than that! Come on, give me your best shot. You know try to disengage your emotions from the comments, and try to show no reaction what so ever, simply just ignore it. Maybe it's time to fight fire with fire, and really just don't bother with the kids. When someone is behaving nicely, since it appears that the 16 does, make it a HUGE point to treat him with respect, and privileges. Go out of your way to smile, smile, smile, even though you will be gritting your teeth and wanting to puke in the trash can, but really force yourself to ignore the bad behavior. Second, purposely try to do things around the house with them, and if they are on good behavior, do more, once they start to act up, disengage from the project, and 'cancel' the event, put items away, trough it all in the trash, etc. It's time that you have to buckle down with these two boys, and I think that it's time you make a stand and have your DH literally handle EVERYTHING in the house. Just remove yourself from the situation and sit back.

But I still think you should carry a big marble rolling pin around with you and whack DH over the head a few times.... see how he likes it.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

—

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

suzannetiago's picture

Thank you all very much

I think the advice all of you have so kindly given is great. I did feel very alone in this situation and a failure. For a while I have felt that these boys are nasty, ungrateful, spolit, horrible children. I started to dislike them but I felt ashamed that I felt this way as in the back of my head I thought they were only children. As I do not have children of my own I thought my lack of experience as a mother was the reason why I was unable to get any kind of respect from these children. The way they talk to me is so disgraceful, I only realsie how young they are when I iron their clothes and their clothes are tiny. I will take your advice on board and try this out next week, I am very tempted to leave him despite the fact I am in love with him as I can't contend with the quality of life he has to offer when he has access to the children.

OldTimer's picture

You know when that happens...

It's time to take a trip on your own! I used to do this. (when I was working and could afford it) When I needed a break, I first tried talking with DH about it, then tried to plan it, but when it came right down to it, I heard the same thing... so I just started making plans with my friends and off I went.

I was gone a whole weekend before he realized, um... she's not here. Boy did things change when I got back! lol.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

—

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

Julie30's picture

suzannetiago

suzannetiago

Have you spoken to BIO mom, BF got angry when I went above his head at first and cursed out BIO mom for putting a lock on her evil son's bookbag after I caught him stealing. Back then she and I worked thing's out. But since the past year or two she is a complete Whacko!

I have no problem with SD but SS "OMG" I honestly HATE HIM... When he showed his ass I used to get upset, now I just get even.

My advise to you, when the children curse you out - tell them GREAT.. For example if the call you a B*tch - smile, show them how one can really be. Unplug all the TV's and put them where they cannot access them. Take away anything that brings them pleasure. Tell them you will give it back to them if they apologize and tell them you will take it into consideration and maybe give them back there stuff tomorrow. If they call you something else, grab them by the arm - walk them to a couch and tell them to sit there butt down and think about what they said and how little that makes them as "PEOPLE" tell them that behavior will not gain your respect and until they can respect you they have no right to walk around YOUR house and talk to you that way. Tell them you have NO PROBLEM, not allowing them over to see dad if they are going to treat you with such little respect.

I know SS made a comment to me about "ME, HEARING THING'S IN MY HEAD" when he told me to shut the F*ck up... But I went off on him to no end... I told him he was nothing but a SMALL BOY! At age 14 and that he better get the F&ck out of my house and live with his nasty mom if he was going to run his mouth off at me. I told him I would send his daddy packing with him. He shut up and walked out of the room. I know he was scared - I had to show him that I was not afraid or he would walk all over me - kids sense fear. Better to instill it then run from it Laughing out loud

Well, that's my advise. If hubby doesn't like it - tell him you will not be in a realationship with two disrespectful little twits. I've said it to my guy and he has put down his foot when it comes to them mouthing off. I wish you all the best.

Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.

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Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.

holeekrap789's picture

I tried to stand up for

I tried to stand up for myself and my children when SS came to visit and do some of the things mentioned above...I was told I am cruel and mistreat him by both Bios....so now I don't want him here unless he shows some respect for me and our house rules! This has put a huge wedge between ne and B/F...he thinks I am unfair I think I am reasonable...what I would do to have a man who backs me up with ALL of our kids!
Lisa Dawn

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Lisa Dawn

tootsie's picture

Violence??? Are you kidding me?

If the situation has turned violent, then definately a change is in order - and RIGHT NOW. It is not unreasonable... it is not being rude, or unfair - it is NECESSARY. It boggles my mind that BF let them get this out of hand. If, for no other reason than SAFETY, he needs to exercise his visitation with his "Little Darlins" at the local Motel 6 - until he can "guarantee" your safety. (Don't offer to leave when they arrive - THEY should be the ones to leave and do the adjusting.) Let's see how "DAD" likes being cooped up in a room with them. (Besides, sounds like they need to get used to small confining 10' x 12' living areas anyway....)

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"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"