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Getting DH to stick to the boundaries/rules vs. allowing him to keep the peace by bending them.

Childless stepmom's picture

As a stepmom, with no kids of my own to draw experience from, how do I know when it is right to let something go to keep the peace? Everything feels like DH is a doormat to SKIDS and BM... If they ignore his him long enough and be difficult, they know he will let it slide. For example, last week we got the Skids phones so we can get hold of them as BM is in the habit of not answering. We gave them rules around the phone, like don't ignore your dad, etc. couple of those are already broken and nothing been done, no warning given. DH trying to keep the peace because BM had a hissy fit that we got them phones, telling us we irresponsible etc. Anyway, we asked for the phones back and all the phones then got switched off by BM. Now that they need something from us they can come get it from the house (but can't bring the phones). I said to DH say to them that they can come fetch it if they bring the phones back, and he is like let's not start a war and rather keep the peace.
It's very frustrating for me that the boundaries get moved all the time and stuff just slides.... What exactly can or should I do about it or do I just let it go and not get involved with parenting issues?

moeilijk's picture

I get it, I really do. Parents *want* to get along with their kids, to keep everything nice and fun and happy.

But kids need to feel safe and secure. That means parents have to set clear and firm boundaries. Your DH is creating a very insecure relationship with his kids. He's teaching them that he can't be trusted or relied upon. I'm betting that's the last thing he wants to do.

I don't know if he will listen to you. Or anyone. But you're right about how he's making some negative decisions in his parenting.

furkidsforme's picture

Next time you guys get the idea to get something like phones for the SKids, think first about how YOU would feel if BM showed up with phones that SHE could call the kids on and they "were not to ignore her". Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, does it?

All that aside, I can see your concern, and yes of course it is frustrating. For years my wants and needs have been thrown under the bus to appease a crazy BM. But this doesn't sound like it is affecting your wants and needs at all. It doesn't even sound like it is something the SKids need to be "reprimanded" or given rules about.

Let me make sure I follow correctly-

So your DH gave the SKids phones.
SKids took phones home.
SKids were ordered never to ignore DH's calls and given other rules.
BM flips her shit and gets pissed, turns phones off.
At some point, phones get taken away.
BM has the phones and refuses to give them back.

How is ANY OF THAT the SKids fault??? Exactly what rules or punishment do you want rained down upon them for something they had no part in?

Have DH ask BM directly for the phones. A brief apology of "Perhaps it was wrong to get them phones without making sure you did not object" might go a long way.

If she continues to refuse, file a police report to get them back.

Either the SKids can have them at your house and leave them there, or return the phones and unfortunately eat the loss and chalk it up as an expensive lesson learned.

Looking at this from the flip side, I'm not so sure you have a "crazy controlling BM". I think you might have a normal BM, and a Disney Dad who overstepped boundaries. You don't say the ages of the SKIds, which could change this. If they are 6 and 8- then yeah, you guys are in the wrong. If they are 14 and 16, then maybe BM is the nutter.

Childless stepmom's picture

BM does call them willy billy anyway, that does not get stopped. Unlike what she does. They had phones before, where she used to get a five minute up date of what I did or did not do. Then they broke their phones, she could not/ would not buy them new one and to manipulate the situation, she did not answer the phone or switched it off when pDH called ever other day, which is within his right! Often skids would text from her phone to ask him to call them and when he did, she did not answer. So hence we agreed after sometime to replace the phones, clearly not the best idea!

Childless stepmom's picture

I'm by no means saying it's their fault, and her hasp some detail was left out. So I understand why you think I want to punish them for nothing. Not the case. But anyway, you have some good points., I think you are right about the Disney Dad, but normal BM is medically not possible. Wink

Betrayd's picture

We did this so SD13 could talk to her dad because mom won't honor the court order. She still finds ways to take it away and keep her from calling in violation of the orders, or makes her put it on speaker phone and chime in every two seconds until SD is in tears. Judge doesn't give a shit. Trial this summer...yay! Can't wait to spend all of our money and savings on that.

Betrayd's picture

So true. BM is driving SD nuts about the phone stuff, and SD hates her for taking her dad time away. When we pushed the issue it only made BM more of a nut (shocker that could happen!) and made it tougher on SD. DH and SD have actually bonded more once he let it go and made life less stressful for SD with BM. All I can say is if we don't get full custody this summer that the second SD is 18 she's already said she's out the door and will never talk to BM again. BMs may control the phone but they can't jail the heart. Long term, that's the real battle for dads and the only one worth winning. Just my perspective.

Childless stepmom's picture

Too true!

Childless stepmom's picture

Yeah, not wanting to win the battle over phone calls, more like sticking to what boundaries you put in place

alittlepinot's picture

I truly don't understand this phone thing with the crazy BM's. Our BM is crazy and a PAS'er but she doesn't do this and I'm a BM and my exH calls my kids daily and sometimes they ask to talk to him other times through out the day and we call him. Granted we have a decent relationship but what is the purpose of not allowing phone calls. exH's calls sometimes annoy ME because it is every day and sometimes at inconvenient times but guess what my bios like to talk to him and tell him about their days so if it annoys me for 5 minutes a day who cares it's for them not me. It seems like this is a hot topic around here a lot with phone calls. Wouldn't it be nice if these BM's could just grow the eff up and stop interfering with the relationships with the other parent.

fedupstep's picture

This is a huge bone of contention between my DH and I. He will set all these rules with Sd16 and never follow through. We argued just last night about this. He is a lazy parent and a hipocrite when it come to Sd16. She gets a 'clean slate' every freaking month but has no tolerance for anyone else's perceived flaws. Except his own..those are ok too.

Childless stepmom's picture

Yeah, this is the actual issue, I really could not give a toss about the phones and who has what when. It's the fact that there is no follow through on the rules he sets and agrees to. Keep the peace! :?

SweetMom's picture

Are they pre paid phones or contract? If prepaid, I'd let it go and lesson learned. You can't expect to rule her household just like she can't set the rules in your household, No Ma'am! Now if it's contract, the phones doesn't belong to any of you but the provider unless a penalty is paid out of your pocket and I would demand the phones back. If the bitch wants to play dirty then give her dirt.

SweetMom's picture

My opinion about your BM not wanting them to take phone calls is because she has some shit to hide she doesn't want ya'll knowing about. My skid has recorded me and my flaws. It's irritating and an invasion of privacy but I also have nothing to hide. It's a clean and safe environment. Sd just records me due to the weight gain I have put on so she can In turn show her BM for brownie points so they can both act like teenagers together. BM is a dumb sob!

Childless stepmom's picture

BM has lots to hide. Does not even want to tell us where they currently living. Skids act dumb when we ask because they have probably been threatened . It will eventually all come out. So silly

Childless stepmom's picture

To true!! Pre paid. DH won't take the phones back, he has already backed down. This is the issue not the phones or what BM does with them while they at her house.