I have been married for 12 years and have one elementary school aged child with my husband. My husband has two children from his previous marriage that and 23. When the children were growing up, their mother was their primary residential parent and we only saw them for dinner, vacations and every other weekend. The eldest graduated from college and since their mother relocated out of state, the eldest moved home with us in June. I repeat, the kids have never lived with us. For years, my husband has suffered from divorced dad syndrome and since he was not around very much when they were growing up or involved, he always gives them what they want and has never ever set clear boundaries or said "no" in so many ways. We are both working professionals and live a very nice lifestyle so the kids have never had to go without. Also, a few years ago, we took a vacation where the youngest step child was very rude to me the entire trip and he just let it happen. When we returned I almost left my husband until we saw a therapist and he agreed and admitted he was wrong and had his youngest apologize for her behavior. Things were fine again for awhile.

The main problem we have, and I wonder if others have this too, is a double standard. My husband picks at me for lots of things but NEVER says a word to his kids about anything. I simply cannot stand that he treats his kids one way and me another. I know their relationship is dysfunctional but it's ruining my marriage when I see him treat them one way and me another. He knows it too.

Before the eldest moved in, my husband promised we would sit down, set up clear expectations, rules, etc. OF COURSE, IT NEVER HAPPENED. She moved in, doesn't pay rent, and cleans up after herself but that's it. She will help out if I ask, and sometimes she will do other things to help clean up, but I buy all the groceries, cook all the meals, clean the rest of the house etc. She will clean her bathroom she shares with her younger siblings, but sometimes I have to ask her to do it sooner since it gets dirtier than I would like. My eldest just got a full time job.

There is no plan for her to move out. She doesn't pay rent, I buy all the groceries and do all the cooking. My husband said that there is no plan and he won't make a plan because she's slowly working her way to self sufficiency. Well at her income she won't be self sufficient for a long time. Especially when both his girls have extremely expensive taste and spend most of their $ on clothing and makeup. I gave him sort of an ultimatum the last few days and told him I couldn't take it anymore and that if he doesn't make some sort of plan then I have to leave because I cannot stand to see the way he treats them and me.

I've sought out the help of a counselor, but my husband doesn't seem to think it will work. I guess he doesn't care if he gets divorced a second time. Does anybody have a similar situation and advice? I can't stay in my marriage if I know that my step children are here indefinitely and the other is graduating in June and I already told him she can't move home. HELP!