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Trying not to be a "Disney Mom" I need advice.

My4kidsmom's picture

My BS22 lives with us along with my SS17. My BS is in community college and will graduate with his AA in about 8 weeks. He gets good grades and generally does the chores we assign him around the house although he does have to be told more than once at times.
Most of the time he just stays in his room and studies and generally keeps to himself. He is a loner and doesn't engage often. He will get a bad attitude and get mouthy and argumentative at times when asked to do things he doesn't want to do but will still do them.
He is lazy and aside from school he is unmotivated. I will be the first to admit that.
DH is upset that he doesn't have a job and that he sleeps all day unless he is in school or doing homework. He wants to tell him he has to move out. BS gets 1100 a month in VA benefits for attending school full-time and uses the money to pay his bills and live on so he really doesn't "need" a job right now.
I understand why DH is upset because BS is lazy however my concern is that he graduate from college and I feel like as long as he is getting good grades and paying his bills that he is doing ok and I don't want to kick him out right before graduation.
I understand and support DH frustration but we differ on how to handle it. I don't think kicking him out is the right answer and I would appreciate some advice/input.
Thanks!

Comments

furkidsforme's picture

Why not a compromise?

Son stays under the current agreement for now, and you let him know NOW that when he graduates in 8 weeks, he has X amount of time to get a full time job. During that time, you expect him to commit X hours a week into searching for said job. And he has X amount of time to get on his feet, save some money, and move out.

You should be proud of your son. He sounds like a nice kid. He also sounds a little lazy and I'm sure the VA money has him feeling a little entitled.

But here is an opportunity for him to grow up a little and try those man-pants on!

ksmom14's picture

I don't have kids of my own, but I assume your son didn't just start college. Why is your DH so adamant now, when there are only 8 weeks left until his graduation?

Why not make an agreement with your DH. Pick a date, AFTER your son's graduation in which he needs to be moved out by. That way you DH get's what he wants, an end date of the live in adult, and your son still gets the opportunity to finish college without the stress of finding a place/ moving and potentially finding a job before moving as well. Maybe give him a month or something after gradation to be out? Maybe he can have a job lined up before then and it won't be a hardship for him to be on his own then. If your son doesn't meet that date, you'll have to make some terms on this, but I'd say either say too bad so sad, get out, or start charging him rent.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Because the husband is miserable and sees no end in sight, that's why. I wouldn't want a mouthy 22 year old living in my house, either.

ChiefGrownup's picture

22 is waaaaaaaaay too old to be living at home. Your dh has put up with 4 years too many and that is a lot.

By keeping that kid under your roof all this time and allowing him the laze all day, be mouthy at times lifestyle, you have kept him a teenager. I know you didn't mean to do it and you love him to bits and wanted to do the best for him. But you kinda tied the kid to your apron strings without realizing it.

But I also agree that if you've had him all this time, 8 weeks to graduation is reasonable to allow him. Work up a plan to get the boy out and on in his own. Present this plan to your dh and ask him for the extra time. Implement the plan instantly.

That means tell kid he must start designing a resume in his off hours. That resume has to be done be such and such date. Tell him he's expected to do volunteer work in those off hours, too. And he's supposed to go apartment hunting. And have a savings account. He's supposed to have enough saved so that he can do the deposit and all that right after graduation.

Think up all those practical things he's going to need, set out a time table, and make him do them. Really, you need to do all this anyway. But if you get real organized and serious about it, your dh may be willing to give your the extra 8 weeks.

moeilijk's picture

I don't know. Where I live now, kids often stay at home until well into their 20s. But I left home at 17. I think it depends on culture, preparation, expectations, and some kind of mutual pact to respect each other.

If your BS is acting like a teen (mouthy, lazy) then your DH will be glad to see the back of him. But he's been doing this way past the teen years. So that's not cool for your home life.

My approach on parenting is this: the kid starts out not being able to do a thing for themselves. Can't even lift up their little bobble-heads. But when they're grown-ups, they can travel the world, do anything, be anything they wish (and are willing to work for). And that transition didn't happen by magic, it happened by parenting.

So if your BS is technically an adult, but isn't behaving like an adult, some of the responsibilities of adulthood are still being held by you. To what extent are you enabling? If you look at yourself, can see where helping might have crossed over into enabling?

And if you can see areas that you can give BS HIS responsibilities, then all of this should become much easier for all three of you.

My4kidsmom's picture

Thanks guys. I'm sharing the words of wisdom with DH and we are going to talk tomorrow about ground rules and deadlines.