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Serious Thinking If My DH Passes Away Before Me.

Lady's picture

My Dh says he has everything that needs to be done for me if he passes before me . I know no matter what his kids will take me to court or do something crazy at the funeral home. I know his ex wife will do her best to be standing next to her brats while people are coming through the line ..SK's will give my DD and her husband hell because my DD has a good relationship with my DH. My family will have to deal with them also. I dont think no matter how well we have things fixed someway they will cause big trouble. Dont know really how I will handle it . For now I am doing a lot of serious planning if the unthinkable happens . I need to know if they cause trouble if I can have them removed or arrested . I live in a small town in Mississippi . I need to find out what I can do to protect my family .

StepLady's picture

If there is an unwanted guest on private property (funeral home) then just a whisper to staff should remove them, if they refuse to leave police will come and make them leave. It is a private property usually family owned, they do not have to tolerate any nonsense. The police can and will remove/arrest at cemetary too from what I understand which is usually private property as far I know.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

^^^^^^This! As the widow YOU have the say in who and what you want around. As the widow you can tell his EX that you don't want her in the line. She is his EX, she has no legal standing about anything.

Regarding the SK's taking you to court etc. Do know one important thing. The wishes of the deceased take precedence over all. The court is not going to change the will in their favor and regardless, unless there are millions involved it would be very expensive for them.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your DH says he has everything taken care of - have you seen the paperwork? Are you just concerned about the funeral or about his will as well?

It is a good idea to get everything taken care of now. (Will, medical power of attorney, durable power of attorney, advanced directives, etc.) He can also purchase a funeral plot and plan the whole funeral if he wants to.

Indigo's picture

Well-said. Just because someone "says" they have it all nailed down does not mean that they do.

Case-in-point. I swore up one side and down the other that my will/medical POA etc said EXACTLY what I wanted. Hey, I'm an ex-banker, my Out-laws ran a funeral home, my BFF is a lawyer, I spent a bunch of money for this ... Written a few years ago. I pulled it recently from the bank safety deposit box and it sure didn't read the same way that I remember it. In fact, now I have an opportunity to update it.

Glad that I checked the actual legal document and NOT just relied upon my memory. Also, gave a physical copy to SO/FDH and added him with a medical POA.

Indigo's picture

"Causing trouble" has lots of meanings and a death in the family brings out the underbelly of everyone.

Will DH's previous family/children cause you trouble? Undoubtedly. Distress? Absolutely.

You're both smart to plan for the inevitable. Funerals are for the living. Plans can be made to protect the beloved survivors without cutting out the more histrionic members of the family. It's not that big a deal, but you are wise to consider things ahead of time.

Do funerals sometimes devolve into some weird "Jerry Springer" show ? All the friggin' time. My Out-Laws owned a funeral home and there were funerals with gang members in full colors, nut-job ex-spouses, mystery girlfriends who inherited everything ... you name it. They saw it.

If DH has a clear will without murky codicils, if he has clear Medical Power of Attorney/Living Will in place, then you should be good. If DH is significantly older or with health issues, perhaps a prepaid funeral with all choices made by DH will be an option for your peace of mind now. Then there is no argument about what type of casket DH would have really liked ... cardboard or buried with his Harley. Stuff like that is nice not to have to mess with when you are devastated by loss. $5K or $25K and money is always an issue at a funeral.

(Nice also because a funeral is much like a wedding ... except the "sky's the limit" has a different connotation.)

Yes. I went there. Had to. Funeral home humor.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

One more thing. Go over the will and final arrangement with your DH. Tell him you just want to understand what he wants so his wishes can be carried out (leave your worries about the EX out of it). And you should do the same with him....that way when you want to see the will etc., it is a case of you are showing him yours, so he should show you his for the same reason.

mommy0104's picture

I've been going through the same things. Although the DH and I are still pretty young (33 and 40) we are never promised tomorrow or to live til a "ripe old age" So I have been nagging him to get a will made. I do not trust his kids, ex wife or his family (except his sister). They would be rummaging through my house before my husband was put in the ground. He has expressed his wishes but I cannot get that man to put it on paper and get it legalized. We have two ideas in place that I'd love to have put in his will. 1. Any of his personal items are not to be given away or sold until 5 years after his passing (unless I specify otherwise) 2. If anyone contests the will, they receive nothing at all. These are good ideas..now if I could get him to make it legal...men..UGH! I hate thinking of death but I don't want to be unprepared if DH goes before I do.