BM had pregnancy complications
My SS6 lives with us full time, my DD2 is his half sister. They get along great, he loves her very much.
He sees his BM EOWE if she doesn't have something better to do (she always has an excuse as to why she needs to skip a weekend, so he is hurt but he seems to bounce back quickly as she is often a Disney mom and will shower him with guilt gifts) She is (was) pregnant with her BF's baby.
This past weekend was supposed to be her weekend. This past Friday morning, my DH gets a text that she is going through something medically difficult and likely cannot see SS this weekend. At her guidance, DH told him she was sick and the weather was going to be bad, so she couldn't make it. He wasn't happy as it was sprung on him after school. He bounced back to himself within an hour. SS spoke to her twice a day, as usual on Saturday and Sunday. This morning, my DH gets a text that the baby did not survive, and she will have to be induced to deliver (not sure how far along she was, about 20 weeks, maybe a little less?) She is going to tell SS in person this coming weekend.
He was excited about the baby, often asking to see it on FaceTime. (He/we found out on Christmas day that she was pregnant) Does anyone have any ideas how to best support him through this? My DH and I are not grieving the loss, but I am sure SS will be. Thank you for any advice.
Thank you! I told him that,
Thank you! I told him that, he has his guard up. They have been divorced over 4 years, but she's definitely the type to try to gain sympathy, she still calls him for car help. Hello, move it along lady you walked out when your son was a year old and you thought you screwed over DH, leaving him alone to raise a toddler.
As sickening as it is to normal rational people, My husband and his family aren't sure she didn't do something to end the pregnancy on her own, as she might be NPD (she's got a mood disorder that hasn't been specified) and had terrible post partum psychosis after my SS was born. (Kill the baby, kill DH, kill herself type thoughts) We thought her crazy while pregnant behavior was just starting (DH said she got super paranoid about halfway when she was pregnant with SS). dH feels bad that his thoughts went immediately to her doing something to end the pregnancy but she is intensely attention seeking, and this will keep the attention on her, as opposed to baby getting all attention when it is born. Scary to me, but anything is possible with her.
My DH is excellent at keeping it on topic of SS, unless it is something mundane like cars ( and he'll sayhe is only helping bc that keeps SS safe when he goes for visitation, she's responsible for all transportation) He will listen to her troubles, but does not sympathize more than a stranger would, he knows she's a nut job. Thank you for reinforcing that concern.
He dealt with the death of
He dealt with the death of his beloved grandmother at 4 pretty well, but you're right, I am not sure he will grasp this completely. Thank you for commenting.
Sad for your ss, poor little
Sad for your ss, poor little guy. He may not understand more than a simple, "Sad to say the baby did not make it, sometimes that happens, we are sorry that you are sad and we love you very very much." Poor guy.
I do know what you mean about BM being nuts and attention seeking. We are pretty sure that BM2 has faked at least one miscarriage maybe two for drama, attention and to manipulate some relationships around her. She still lights a candle every year on facebook for her angel baby that we are 99 percent was made up. Its awful and self serving but it does happen.
Thanks! We are leaving it up
Thanks! We are leaving it up to her to tell SS, but just like always (getting sick, not enough sleep, not being fed properly) we have to deal with the aftermath at home when he returns after a day or two.
My reply is below this
My reply is below this comment, but I wanted to add, when she missed this last weekend, she said it wouldn't be fun to visit because she was in bed the whole time, he said something like why would that matter? I am on the iPad the whole time anyway? way to throw her under the bus SS, love you.
thank you for your response.
thank you for your response. I would like to suggest that she wait, but she has said her family will be around this weekend, (and she asked specifically asked to see him...see what I mean about attention seeking, a normal person would want to take time to grieve, I think) it is likely the BFs family will be there, in fact his mom already flew in, as BMs family is very scattered across the country and to be honest, are as selfish as she is) She told my DH on Friday that the baby would probably not make it, so by the times she sees SS, it will be A week to deal with it. If DH suggested it she would say he is keeping "her son" from her. We would just be trying to be compassionate, an emotion she cannot comprehend.
My DH and I still don't really trust her to take care of SS, even when she is in her usual mental state (she grew up is a cult-like environment, where the village raises the children so she does not know (or pretends not to know) how to care for him properly. ) (OMG when he used to go when he was 2 and couldn't explain, oh so freaking scary). The fact that the are other non relative eyes watching will keep her on her "best" behavior, or others will jump in to help her helps us be okay with her taking him so soon. She's still scamming these people in some way, so she has to be good. (my husbands family knows her true colors, so why change SS clothes or underwear on a usual weekend?)(it's so easy bc HGN does any laundry that comes into DH's.. But he will only go back with one outfit, as often he comes in ill fitting clothes, 3 sizes too small)
She's already promising SS a new toy when she sees him..business as usual, thanks for making the rest of our week difficult, you B*tch, he'll be beside himself wanting to get it. But he's got her number, usually less than a day after getting the new toy/app whatever, he will spend 20 minutes on the phone or FaceTime with DH, asking to see DD and me, and saying "I can't wait to see you!"
My DH already suggested a Saturday to Sunday only visit instead of Fri-Sun, and she jumped at the chance for a 24 hour only visit.
Yes, she was. My husband had
Yes, she was. My husband had to see her belly (shudder) several times when SS asked to talk to the baby on FaceTime. He said the was a bump, but DH said he wouldn't put it past her to end it and not tell anyone it was her choice, just to create drama and get attention. So scary sad to me that that is even a remote possibility.
Oh my god, you could be
Oh my god, you could be right! :jawdrop: He confirmed he never saw anything but bump under shirt. She actually wrote about (and it's published) about wanting to kill SS when he's was an infant, so she is capable of anything, in my mind. She just got back (I'm talking less than a week ago) from seeing all of her relatives, all of his relatives, it was like every weekend for a month or so traveling...DH and I called it the magical mystery tour...the timing of her complicationswas too perfect, and I said that to DH. But sadly this is real for SS even if it wasn't for her. Grrrr.
She asked my DH to get
She asked my DH to get pregnant, he was wary at first, and she wore him down...my SS was barely a week old when she turned to DH, with a smile on her face, and asked for a divorce. :jawdrop: he tried to keep up appearances but she just kept stepping out for longer and longer stretches of time, finally moving out a little after SS turned one. She is capable of anything.
No thank you! I think you
No thank you! I think you might be right, although she did tell SS she would show him sonagrams (don't know if that happened, and theoretically she could have borrowed some or something) and we got a medical bill addressed to her (I opened it bc I wanted to make sure she wasn't using our insurance, it was from our carrier, claim denied as she was not covered under DHs policy) so she did see an OB, but maybe it was all a rouse! She came to the doctor very close to where we live, she lives about an hour away, which I thought was weird. She didn't see the same doctor as for SS's birth.
with DD think I saw a nurse
with DD think I saw a nurse at 8 weeks, first real appointment around 12...but she complained to DH about obamacare, and some mix up, so she might not have insurance? Which probably might be why she tried to slip under ours?
I miscarried at 4 1/2 months
I miscarried at 4 1/2 months due to complications. Not saying this BM was pregnant, but it's possible to miscarry late in the pregnancy.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
She says she has to deliver the baby, soi don't know if she would do that alone...But her story can always change to suit her.
It was 15 years ago, but
It was 15 years ago, but thank you! Took me a looooong time to get over it. That's when I found out I'd never carry a baby to term.
Yes, changing the story to suit is also popular with BioMonster.
Thank you. I have a friend
Thank you. I have a friend who lost twins at 20 weeks, she was understandably emotional for a long time. I think the OB that was local to us was a one off, as she said her doc was closer to her home... But seriously the timing of some of her appointments was weird, especially for someone who barely works. My DH said he saw a sonogram but didn't see her name on it. Super suspicious. She strikes me as someone who would milk this for years, if not the rest of her life, which is why her normal behavior on the phone is surprising. Maybe she was pretending to hold it together for SS? She is just so attention seeking I think you may be right.
Sadly it was real for SS though. We will follow her lead, but I like the star idea. The grandmother he lost was my DH's mom, so I don't know that this baby would really be with her, but if it comforts him, I will tell SS that. Thank you again so much, you've shed some serious light on this.
Her BF is a solid guy and I feel bad for him. Coincidentally, we thought that there was trouble between them 4 or so months ago and then oops she was prego. She needed to hold on to him somehow, she got to live with him, not her grandparent (the only local relative she has left), he bought her a car (an old one, but still) so she could sell her even smaller car, I'm sure she kept the 5-6000 she made on her car, which was sold a few weeks after he bought her one.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain. My friend who lost twins at 20 weeks has definitely isolated herself, especially since she's gone through it a second time.
BM told SS she was pregnant on Christmas Day, and he told us immediately. (He insisted on calling DH to tell us)...last year on DH's birthday, she got into a car accident and proceeded to take up DH's his day with insurance questions, and she told DH that she had a new BF that day too, fun stuff. Thanks for trying to make those days all about you, Crazy pants. She has this sick need to tell my DH everything, like he is her priest, it's odd. Sometimes it's like she wants to rub it in his face. Her life is not so terrific that we care. She blew off a holiday weekend with SS to go "to paradise" in her words, with her BF. This is how she told SS, I'm going to paradise, with BF, it's so exciting! he was sad, we don't care that he was with us, we don't ever blow him off for something that we perceive is better then him, I'm sure it saddens him, my parents and my inlaws certainly never did that to me or my husband as children..BTW, "paradise" was 3 days in Puerto Rico. It's nice, but not like he wisked her off to Hawaii or something, you know? dH shares next to nothing with her, just what she needs to know about SS, nothing else.
She spoke with SS this morning, as usual and sounded perfectly normal, again I don't know if she's just holding it together for the 3 to 5 minute call, or what.
DH and I just want SS to be okay, SS hasn't asked BM about the baby for at least a week, so I am grateful that she hasn't had to lie to him yet. But only time will tell on how she explains/tells him.
She decided not to come this
She decided not to come this weekend, her procedure was today...but she says she might try to make SS's sporting event tomorrow? Ugh. Lady please, if he sees you, he expects the toy you promised, that you could take him home...please just don't come, it'll just tweak him...and if there is a complication in her healing you bet you butt she'll blame DH and SS. Just stay home and heal or whatever.