Distraction blog
I haven't really ever posted about my own step-situation. Because, it's not even my situation. Technically it's my DH's. But we're totally fine with it... it's just a bit odd.
My MIL and FIL are divorced. They separated officially about 7 years ago. After about 10 years of not being together much anyways - my FIL travelled for work, and after a couple of years of that told my MIL that he'd found someone else.
That someone else is my age. Actually, 2 months younger. Now, my DH is 5 years younger than I am, and his sister is 2 years younger. So in the context of their family, this isn't so completely nuts.
So anyways, my FIL and his GF got 'married' in a special ceremony with all her family and some of my FIL's work colleagues. This was in the African country where they met and he lived and worked. But he remained married to my MIL until recently for tax reasons. A divorce would have seriously lessened how much my MIL got from my FIL as part of the income-sharing agreement in their marriage. Now that he's retired, the income problem is a non-issue, and they got a divorce.
In the meantime, his GF has come to this country many times to visit. Each time she expresses genuine dismay that my MIL doesn't want to meet her. She wants to be 'friends'.
My MIL was really angry about my FIL getting serious about the GF for a LONG time.
I should mention, neither of them were particularly faithful during that 10 year period before the official separation.
And that, my friends, was what lead to the google search that landed me here!
- moeilijk's blog
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Comments
Gor blimey. I'm all for new
Gor blimey. I'm all for new wives and stepmothers but why on earth does this chick think she needs to be "friends" with your mil? What crazy thing is she drinking?
She ought to be falling to her knees and thanking her lucky stars she never has to see her, hear her voice, or open up her guest bathroom to her.
Well... she's definitely
Well... she's definitely different. She doesn't like to know that there's someone in the world who doesn't like her, and she wants to explain about how she told my FIL to try to make it work with MIL because she didn't want to be the other woman, etc etc etc.
She's just a bit ... childish in some ways.
She's really a lovely person, but like I mentioned in a response below - has no sense of what's appropriate.
She showed up after being asked not to come to my FIL's mom's funeral. (Sounds weird that she was asked not to come, but basically a flight wasn't available and my FIL asked her to stay home to manage some business, but instead she caught a different flight. She did that to try to help and support him, but actually, he genuinely needed the time alone to process as losing his mom was super-hard for him and the GF needs him to do everything for her when she's in this country... so it was a loving idea in principle, but not in practice.)
And then she dressed in a 'traditional' ensemble at the funeral. And if you know about Dutch stoicism... you know that the woman making the most boo-hooing noises, dressed in the brightest colours, acting like the hostess of the funeral... just didn't fit. And ofc not too many people spoke enough English to communicate with her (and her English is tough to follow anyways), so she had to stick with FIL... who was actually busy with 100 people coming to talk to him.
Interesting. You paint quite
Interesting. You paint quite a picture - that funeral sounds like it came from a screenplay. I can see this whole thing starring Joan Plowright as your mil, Bill Nighy as your fil, and you'd have to fill in the blank for 2nd wife/Carmen Miranda at the funeral. The dreamy Mads Mikkelson can be your dh! Especially since he knows how to stay out of his parents' personal business!
Meh. The GF is not so easy to
Meh. The GF is not so easy to get along with - she's very nice and loving but doesn't have appropriate boundaries. I think that's more because of cultural differences - being uneducated, deeply poor, raised with a lot of superstitious beliefs, different sense of family. She can be embarrassing - not dressed appropriately, showing too much emotion, being too intrusive with questions or comments.
She is smart and energetic and a lot of fun. It's obvious that my FIL is very happy with her - although they act like teenagers, giggling or fighting. It's really quite annoying lol!
Right now they're living in the Phillippines since they couldn't bring her over here - there is definitely discrimination against people from African countries, but I think that's true outside of the EU.
My DH doesn't care. His dad is happy, that's enough. My SIL is the same. My MIL and SIL are super-close (like, really quite creepy) so there was some tension for a while as my MIL felt it was a loyalty thing - if you love me you must reject the GF. But both my SIL and DH are strong people and had no problem making it clear that they love both parents, and that what happens between MIL/FIL is none of their business/concern.
Lovely story! Thank you for
Lovely story! Thank you for sharing!
Does the new wife come from a country where men take multiple wives and she feels like a younger addition to the BIG LOVE type family? So she wants to get into your MIL's good graces so that she would not assign her the hardest tasks in the household? Like peeling potatoes, or turning over mattresses?
Seriously, I am not from a country where that arrangement is practiced, but my late exFIL had both his wives at his bedside when he was very very sick in the last year of his life. My ex-MIL - a total saint - was the second wife, but she did not mind the first wife coming over to cheer the guy up. They were all in their 70s at the time and quite friendly. I was in my late 20s and very impressionable
That must have led me to believe I can always make peace with BM - haha, not in this marriage!
I'm not sure about what's
I'm not sure about what's typically done in her culture. It seemed to me that 'being friends' was more about not wanting anyone to not like her than it was about actual connection.
My MIL and FIL still have a lot of contact. In a way, they're still just about best friends. They met while teenagers, got married at 21 (my FIL was actually 20, needed his mom's permission lol), and are now 65. They sure didn't always get along, but I think they have always had a positive bond, beyond their children. They talk regularly about day-to-day stuff. I find it quite weird, but in a way, I guess it falls into the Big Love idea... but more on my FIL's part.
My own parents? When they divorced, they lived a few blocks from each other. If my dad saw my mom on the street, he'd cross it to avoid her.
see our DH and his your SIL
see our DH and his your SIL have it right, as long as they are happy.... most skids dont get that. i can see why your MIL is a little bitter but hey like you said doesnt sound like they were faithful so who cares if she wasnt either.... right?
Maybe she wants to be friends
Maybe she wants to be friends with your MIL because she comes from a country/culture that supports plural marriages. Maybe she see's your MIL as a sister wife. }:)