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Ex rant...jerk

hangingbyathread6's picture

So my kids were with their father this weekend. Why is it that it's his weekend, his time, but yet mom is still the one who has to deal with shit?

Starts on Friday evening.
Text from BD12 "Mom can you bring me to hockey in xyz town (15 miles away), Dad can't. He doesn't want to drive that far and he has something going on" Me: Okay kiddo, no problem, DH and I will get you there.

Saturday morning 617 am
BD12 text: Mom I'm puking. I just woke up with the pukes! I don't think I can play today!
Me: Well kiddo, wake up your dad, get some liquids and lay back down in bed. Hopefully you'll start feeling better in a little while.

Saturday morning 928 am
BD12: Oh Mom! I just puked again!!
Me: Oh kiddo, I'm sorry! (I know how much she HATES puking). Make sure you drink lots of fluids, and get lots of rest. Stay away from your brother and sister, and the other kids. Make sure to tell your dad to wash your bedding once you feel better. This is the second time in a month you have been puking at your dad's. The bug must just keep going around there amongst everyone. It's a bad time of year. I hope you feel better soon.

Saturday at 8:10 pm
BD12: Mom, dad's gone to work and dad's gf went to go sing with her band. She left gf's BD15 in charge. She has a whole bunch of friends over and they are downstairs blasting music and I can't sleep. I still feel terrible and my stomach hurts and my head is pounding. OBD15 is not here, she went to a friends house so no one is hear to make her stop! I don't feel good mom! And BS8 keeps coming in my room telling me how hungry he is because gf's BD15 didn't make him anything to eat and she keeps yelling at him to stay upstairs and she's not cooking dinner for him because her friends are over.
Me: Honey, call your dad. I can't come into his house and stop the party, or make BS8 dinner, or take care of you. I can't just come and take you. Your dad and gf need to handle this. Call him and tell him what is going on.
BD12: Okay mom, I love you.

Saturday 8:56 pm
BD12: Dad is on his way home. BS8 is in my room with me because of the party going on downstairs. Dad said that gf told her BD15 that she could have friends over and if they aren't following the rules gf set then he'll talk to her about tomorrow when she is home
Me: So dad is coming home to take care of you? Good. Make sure BS8 let's him know he is hungry. I love you and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Saturday 11:48 pm
OBD15: Mom I am SO ANGRY!!!

Saturday 11:59 pm
OBD15: Mom? MOM?

Sunday 12:03 am
Me: Hi OBD15. I was sleeping, just happened to wake up and saw my phone lit up. Are you okay?
OBD15: Gf's BD15 and her friends were here tonight!
Me: yes I know. What's the problem with that?
OBD15: Her friend stole my brand new UGGS you bought me for my bday
Me: WHAT?? (they are literally two months old)
OBD15: Yeah, I went downstairs and went to put my boots on to use the bathroom because Dad has the kitchen all torn up and I have to walk through it to use the bathroom and my boots were gone!! I looked everywhere!! Her friend's shoes are sitting right next to where my boots were!! I woke up Dad and told him! And I'm very very angry!!
Me: Well your dad will have to take care of it. I hope you get them back. They were quite expensive. I'll talk to you tomorrow
OBD15: okay mom I love you

Sunday 8:08 am
OBD15: I had a big argument with Dad last night. It wasn't gf's daughter's friend who stole my boots, it was gf's daughter! I shouldn't have to worry about having my things stolen from me in my home ince that's what dad says all the time. THis is your home too! Well it's not when I can't even feel like my things are going to be here when I come back! I told him I want a lock on my door! And that I really don't want to be here anymore if that girl is here. I'll come when she's gone! Dad told gf about it and she didn't even do ANYTHING!! I'm just so sick of the way things are here! She let BS go without anything to eat since lunch until dad got home!
Me: Alright sweetheart, I know you're upset. You have a right to be and I understand why you are. However, this is between you and dad. I can't do anything about what goes on or what is acceptable at your dad's house. I understand you talked to him. If you aren't satisfied then mayb you need to talk to him again and ask him if you and him and gf and gf's daughter can talk about how you feel. I love you sweetie.
OBD15: Alright mom. When are you coming to get BD12?
Me: What do you mean?
OBD15: to bring her to hockey. Dad's not bringing her. He said he can't drive to xyz town (today's game is 100 miles away) because he doesn't have gas or license plates on his car.
Me: Oh, well I didn't know he wasn't bringing her. DH and I will be there in ten minutes, tell her to get ready or we will be late.

REALLY???
I'm so tired of it. He's such a dickhead

Comments

hangingbyathread6's picture

I did buy the boots. At a price of $250. Irritates me. Supposedly now today, just a bit ago my daughter texted me and said her dad told her the gf told the daughter she needs to come home today (she's 15 and comes and goes as she pleases, and goes to school as she pleases so there's top notch parenting going on there) and to bring my daughter's boots back. My daughter is supposed to stop there after school to pick them up. We shall see what happens

hangingbyathread6's picture

Oh he drives the car illegally. Seriously. And I know he doesn't have tags because he has been using this excuse for a couple weeks, so when I dropped the kids off I checked the tags. Our state they are colored based on each year. His are definitely expired. The gas...who the hell knows. He doesn't have money to pay the med bill I sent him, but he had enough to go out to dinner with his gf for some occasion during his Wednesday overnight.

I hate that they go there and are treated like this. But what is there for me to do? Other than file a complaint with the FOC, and it will result in ex lying as usual, like he did repeatedly in court, and the FOC stating that we need to "work together". As this continues and goes on and on, I am nearing the point of allowing my daughters to discuss with FOC themselves about not going to their dad's. I have been resisting it for a year and a half, but things just keep going further downhill.

hangingbyathread6's picture

It drives me crazy Sweetpea. His irresponsibility is aggravating.

There's not much I can do to keep them from having to go other than filing a motion. I have been keeping a detailed record of what occurs or when he doesn't show or isn't home for the next time we are in court.

AllySkoo's picture

Ugh! So frustrating, for you AND your kids!

I actually disagree with the advice to get sole custody - Dad is fucking up, but he's not hurting the kids. He IS damaging his relationship with them though. He's an idiot.

hangingbyathread6's picture

Except that one sister wasn't home and the other was in bed sick with the stomach flu....

hangingbyathread6's picture

They're dad is NON COMMUNICATIVE. Biggest reason why we got divorced. So if I couldn't get him to communicate as an adult after 14 yrs, then two teenage girls, 15&12, are going to be able to get him to suddenly make the switch and communicate with them after they have been trying for four years since the divorce?

hangingbyathread6's picture

I tell my daughters to talk to their father repeatedly. My daughters HAVE talked to their father REPEATEDLY. It falls on deaf ears and or he doesn't follow through with anything to avoid any type of conflict between himself and his gf.

This doesn't fall on gf. It does fall on gf's daughter and exH. ExH is responsible for leaving the kids with a responsible person to attend to them if he is not available. That person was the gf, who in turn handed that responsibility to her daughter. My oldest daughter was not home, she was at a friend's house and a movie. My youngest daughter was sick in bed with the stomach flu as she had starting vomiting that morning as explained in my blog. So no, this does not fall at all on my daughters to take care of feeding their brother. They ARE kids after all. A sick child should not be expected to get out of bed when dealing with the stomach flu to take care of a sibling. Hell, if I could get away without being a mom when I'm puking and achy I would, but unfortunately that's not a part of the perks of being a mom.

As for the sporting events...my daughter has been playing hockey for seven years. Games 100 miles away for a day trip double header are not uncommon in the level of play she is at. ExH is well aware of her interest in the sport. Our daughter has already dedicated a lot of time and effort into a sport she is very passionate about. Our son has only been at it for 4 years, however he took is quite passionate. Because their parents got divorced, our kids shouldn't get to play a sport they've player PRIOR to the divorce because it's inconvenient for Dad? When mom and stepdad take the majority responsibility of running around since we are primary custodians? Sorry monkeysee, I disagree with this and think that is ridiculous.

moeilijk's picture

Ok, hanging, I can tell you're getting all riled up!!! You know I've commented on your posts before and I absolutely see your point of view.

The thing is, I also think the other posters are right. But their solutions haven't/won't work for you.

I think maybe there's a step missing.

You're sitting with a problem where your kids are not getting taken care of while they're with their dad. Not provided with a meal/access to food, not provided with care while ill, not provided with access to their extra-curriculars - and isn't your BS somewhat special needs? and your ex won't do the therapy with him?

The solution is to get your ex to take care of his kids while they're with him. But you or the kids talking to this guy doesn't DO anything. He just ignores or lies.

So, maybe post a blog asking for ideas. And try to explain your worries. It's not just that your kids are turning to you because you're more 'there' for them... it's that you are now spending his custody time trying to keep them safe and healthy and fed.

You might not be right, though... it could be that your best option will include some measure of letting things be horrible for them while at your ex's. You can take steps to teach them how to take care of themselves, I'm not sure what steps, but that can be part of what you ask about.

This is solvable, you're not alone in trying to find a solution that gives you peace of mind while your kids are with the ex... but it won't be what YOU would do!

hangingbyathread6's picture

Thanks moelijk. Yes I have tried everything I can think of. I have encouraged and had my daughters approach their dad. I have defended him this issue has continuously gotten worse over the last few years and now the girls are getting older and get more and more frustrated from the lack of support or even follow through and the full out lies they have caught him in.

My youngest attended counseling at her request to work on how she feels about her dad and how to approach him. Her therapist even had a joint session with him so she could feel safe discussing the issues and yet nothing. We have had mediation with our case worker who has given him advice on the issues. To no avail. At this point I'm not sure where to go next.

I do not want my daughters to not have a relationship with their father. I myself am a daddy's girl and it hurts me to see that my daughters do not have that relationship with their father. My dad was always the one man I could count on for anything. My dad says had my back. My dad put me and my brothers in front of his own interests. I watched my very good friend go through this with her father as a young teen and still be estranged from her father at 40. I'm afraid that my daughters refusing to go to their father will cause a rift that may not be repairable. I am also concerned that of my 15 yr old exercises her right to not be forced to go them my 12 yr old will be following closely behind. Without my oldest at my ex's house I worry who will take care of my youngest daughter and my son. If both girls stop, who will be there for my son?

At the same time however, I do not think my children should have to deal with verbal abuse from the other kids in the house. From physical attacks by the other kids. To have their items stolen (the boots is the most recent and expensive item, But this has happened repeatedly with both my girls) at a home they are supposed to feel welcome and comfortable in.

I see many SM's on here discuss how they don't let their skids take their bios things or get upset about skid behavior to bios. This is the same thing only in reverse. My ex is t doing anything about the other kids at his home doing it to his kids.

I'm mostly venting. But advice on how to solve this issue would be helpful. Although leaving them to their own devices is not really an option. They are getting no support and are being left alone or "neglected" to a degree at their dad's. I can't tell them "it's not my problem tend for yourself" they already are feeling cast aside and left to their own devices when they are supposed to be taken care of by a parent. Kids do need parents. Kids do need to feel safe and loved when with a parent. I'm super strict and my kids are no Angels. And they get disciplined. But they also know that I will take care of them. And that they will not be left to fend for themselves. Making their own lunch or something is one thing. But they aren't left without food (convenient food...they shouldn't have to cook a in depth meal) is not the issue. That is reasonable. They have to make their own breakfast in the morning here and samdwiches or whatever for lunch on the weekends here. That's different than what is occurring at my ex's home.

If someone has an "out of the box" idea or something like that, I'm all ears.

Thanks again for the support moelijk.

moeilijk's picture

I don't have any answers. But it's worth thinking about.

They have approached their dad, and gotten nowhere. Ok. And you're put in the position of feeling like they (and their stuff) are not safe while over there. Like you don't trust their being taken care of.

I think one of the reasons you get so much advice to push your kids back on your ex is because... IF your kids didn't tell you about how much it sucks over there, you wouldn't know. They could be playing up how bad it is as part of a way to connect with you. Or even, dwelling on it as a way to bond with you. So how can you help stop that part of things?

Objectively, thing are far from great over there. Is there a way to measure how good/bad it is? I get that the kids shouldn't have to prepare a complex meal, but is there any reason they can't make a sandwich for dinner those nights, for example?

Also, even though I totally understand why you do it, I think it doesn't serve your kids well when you dash over at the last moment to take them to hockey (right sport?). If they relied on their dad and he doesn't follow through, better they learn to make arrangements with a teammate's family on those weekends. You need, for your own peace of mind, to find a way to stay out of his time. IMHO, ofc.

hangingbyathread6's picture

You have some good points.

As for hockey, my DH is the coach for my daughter's team, and she's on the starting line. She's one of the two players that the team really relies on and they are making a great run at heading to the State Championships. If she's not there, it's letting down the other kids on the team too. And his reason for not doing it is no license plates and insurance, but he runs everywhere else that suits him.

This weekend it was texts to me, true. However many weekends it's talk to grandma, or a friend's parent, etc. I often hear these things after the fact, but also at "live time". Many other parents will call me or say something to me, as they see what happens or overhear conversations the girls are having.

Things really would be so much simpler if he would just be responsible. Between him and my DH's exW the irresponsibility and selfishness that they exude drives me insane.

BTW...he is doing the first court ordered drive to my son's therapy today. He requested a decrease in CS and the judge ruled that if I agree to a reduction in dollars it would be offset by ex's requirement to alternate the trips with me. I of course agreed. So he's doing that 200 mile round trip drive with no insurance and no plates on his vehicle. I'm hoping he makes it there and back without me getting a phone call from the State Troopers requesting me to pick up my son because his dad is in jail for driving illegally. Again...where is the responsibility???

moeilijk's picture

Ok, you likely won't like this.

None of your opinions about this guy are wrong. But the stuff you care about speaks to misplaced boundaries.

"And his reason for not doing it is no license plates and insurance, but he runs everywhere else that suits him."

"Things really would be so much simpler if he would just be responsible. Between him and my DH's exW the irresponsibility and selfishness that they exude drives me insane. "

" Again...where is the responsibility???"

This is all stuff you have to find a way to let go. This guy will never be responsible. He will always behave in a way that negatively surprises you. And that's just how some people are. I hate those kinds of people too, I get it, but nothing you say, do, think, feel, write, etc etc etc will EVER EVER EVER EVER have any effect.

So you have to deal with how it is. And, if you get to that point, you can help your kids deal with how it is too.

And THAT is why you're so frustrated. Because you're trying to fix something that just won't get fixed.

Just think about it. IMHO, it's about acceptance. And I know all about how crappy it is to feel like you MUST accept something that is basically complete $hit. But if you have the idea that maybe accepting it will free you from the energy drain and frustration and anger of fighting it... maybe acceptance is the happier path after all.

hangingbyathread6's picture

You have some good points.

As for hockey, my DH is the coach for my daughter's team, and she's on the starting line. She's one of the two players that the team really relies on and they are making a great run at heading to the State Championships. If she's not there, it's letting down the other kids on the team too. And his reason for not doing it is no license plates and insurance, but he runs everywhere else that suits him.

This weekend it was texts to me, true. However many weekends it's talk to grandma, or a friend's parent, etc. I often hear these things after the fact, but also at "live time". Many other parents will call me or say something to me, as they see what happens or overhear conversations the girls are having.

Things really would be so much simpler if he would just be responsible. Between him and my DH's exW the irresponsibility and selfishness that they exude drives me insane.

BTW...he is doing the first court ordered drive to my son's therapy today. He requested a decrease in CS and the judge ruled that if I agree to a reduction in dollars it would be offset by ex's requirement to alternate the trips with me. I of course agreed. So he's doing that 200 mile round trip drive with no insurance and no plates on his vehicle. I'm hoping he makes it there and back without me getting a phone call from the State Troopers requesting me to pick up my son because his dad is in jail for driving illegally. Again...where is the responsibility???

moeilijk's picture

Well, ordinarily I'd agree, but if I understand correctly, the ex agreed to take them to hockey, then bailed at the last minute. And this has been an ongoing issue. So... if he wasn't going to take them, why did he say he was? He could have said "no" to the activity full-stop as well, but he didn't do that either.

I think, in this case, you might be right about the best solution, but I wouldn't put it on the OP. Why would she assume that the ex saying OK to the activity, and OK specifically to bringing the kid(s) to a specific activity actually meant NO?