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Husband Illegitimate child pre marriage

melissaman's picture

I am a mother of 2 kids boy 16 years old and a girl pre teen . My husband has an illegitimate daughter from previous relationship before marriage to me. He recently acknowledged the child who is now a teenager 18 years old. We recently spent time with his daughter , the 4 of us with some of my husband's extended families like siblings, nieces, nephews...so forth out of town for 2 weeks. She is nice and quiet and bonded really well with my kids. The problem is she tends to ignore me and only spend time with my husband, my kids and some of the kids in the family. I also feel uncomfortable and jealous whenever my husband is being affectionate to her. He hugs and kiss her , and playful with her the same way he treats our own children. And find myself not liking ,...
I am back in town now with my kids. My husband decided to stay behind for another week to spend time with his daughter. And I secretly recent it. My husband is not aware of my feelings. I feel like an outsider...Am I a bad person for being so selfish? I feel like an evil woman. I just don't like the whole situation....

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Wow ~ well that's alot to taken on by surprise.

I think you initial feelings are valid. Give yourself some time to adjust ~ maybe the extra week for him is good & good for you to maybe digest this without him around.

How do you just acknowledge an 18 yr old ?? Did he know of her ?? Very curious on this one ~

melissaman's picture

The situation is he was my boyfriend..we broke up. He met somebody has this child. We got back together, they split. The child was hidden from him, until fb came SD found him and started communicating. Oh btw, at first she bashed me on fb....exact same words as what her mother told my then bf before he left her.

Rags's picture

Normal feelings. However, were I you this young woman would not get access to my husband and my children's father without the whole family involved including you, his bride, who should be his first and foremost priority.

Time to give DH some clarity that you and your children did not cause the situation and will not be excluded. Either the 18yo engages with everyone including her sibs, and you, or she engages with no one.

This is a sad situation but DH should not jeopardize his marriage and family for this kidnapped child from a previous relationship. Were I your DH I would be going after the BM with every legal, financial, and vindictive tool I could muster to bare her ass to this young woman and to bring consequences for depriving me of my child for 18 years.

Take care of yourself and your kids and give your DH some supportive clarity. More clarity than support IMHO.

twoviewpoints's picture

Not sure how you interpret this sentence to mean the guy had no idea the kid existed :

"he was my boyfriend .. we broke up. He met somebody has this child. We got back together, they split. The child was hidden from him".

It does not necessarily translate into guy knew noting about a child existing. In fact it could actually translate into he dumped the new GF and the already born child after he got back together with his old GF (the OP). Especially considering the OP uses the wording 'he recently acknowledged the child' in OP's opening post....this was after the kid contacted him herself via facebook.

twoviewpoints's picture

As well it could be me interpreting what OP wrote wrong.

Op seems to have poofed out on us so maybe may be she'll be back later. I took hide the child to mean she literally took off or playing hide and seek with a living child, not a pregnancy. Though remember the one poster from Arkansas who's BM did hide the pregnancy totally from the bio-dad and then the child. That poster was like 40ish when both her and her bio-father found out the truth. I wonder how that poster and her bio-dad are coming along? they were just starting to try an get to know each other but I don't think I've seen that poster post in ages.

twoviewpoints's picture

I get hat you're saying ,Dtzy, and agree to an extent. But we've heard little of this story or the 2k get-together as of yet. You're getting they just found out about this child very recently. Maybe. Maybe not. OP stated her husband recently acknowledged the daughter. Kid found Dad on Facebook. I don't really know that OP just learned of this SD.

This is still a young girl really. Yes, she is an adult, but she's not a full grown woman of mid-twenties to thirties. Kid's just no out of high school and I have no idea what kind of adult social skills she has. OP did say she was nice, though quiet. She also said 'tended to ignore'. That doesn't mean entirely ignore OP or that didn't acknowledge OP at all. I think if I were just 18 I'd tend to bond quicker with the kids my on age when thrown into a big group of strangers also. Her sibling brother I think OP said was like 16. I'm sure the daughter has a lot more in common with this sibling than most the other people gathering. I'm not trying to excuse the girl's behavior, I'm really not. But a first time meeting with all these people who traveled to your area to meet you had to be a bit intimidating to an 18yr old. She had no idea how or if these people would accept her. All the girl knows about the OP is what the BM has told her. Lord knows what that might have been. Her mother was pregnant with her father's baby and he dumps the BM and goes back to OP....I doubt anything the BM has had to share with her daughter was good.

But the girl as open to meeting everyone. the hole bunch, OP included, traveled out to meet with the girl and the girl was 'nice'. I assume that means she wasn't obnoxious and/or disrespectful.

I just don't want to turn the OP off to the idea that this girl might actually really indeed want to be a part of SD's hole family (including OP) after she gets more comfortable and realizes OP and the rest of Dad's family doesn't have devil horns or ride around on brooms. I do hope Dad is spending this week he stayed behind discussing with his daughter more about his family, his wife, his children. And I do think when DH gets home OP and he needs to sit and have a long talk about the get together and how it went and whether or not there is a future for this girl in being involved with the family (OP included) and how OP felt a bit odd with the hugs and kisses.

I just don't want to give the OP the green light to cut this kid out because they had one meeting that SD wasn't Little Miss Socialite where SD sat and spent hours engaged in conversation with the OP. IDK, it just seems to me there's a lot being read into what little the OP actually said. Who knows. Maybe if there is a next visit it will be on the OP's turf and Dad will have explained to the SD that if SD wants a relationship with him, great, but he comes as a whole family package, wife included.

Rags's picture

I would own anyone who stole and hid a kid of mine from me. Their entire existance once I found out about my kidnapped child would be abject misery. The formerly unknown adult kid I would engage with and include in my family on the condition that the kid made an effort and did not jeopardize my marriage and cause issues for my other children. The balance in this type of situation is a difficult and delicate thing IMHO.

I would not be easy to deal with from the perspective of the mother who had kept my child a secret from me. I suppose I am just not overly caring or accepting of that kind of toxic character void crap.

Fortunately I have not had to live this situation. I could not immagine this as the dad or from the kid's perspective in this situation. I would not give a flying rat's crap about the BM's perspective in this situation.

BethAnne's picture

I remember feeling jealous of the time that my husband spent with my step daughter at first. Or when he would sit with her on the bus or play with her and I wanted some affection for myself. My SD was only 3 or 4 at the time, so I knew that my feelings were unreasonable, but they were still present and valid for me to accept them. It took sometime for me to adjust to seeing my husband interact with someone outside or our relationship in an intimate way (appropriate for a father-daughter relationship, but affectionate). I told my husband about these feelings and admitted that they were in some ways unreasonable although he was surprised by my jealousy of a child the communication helped us to work through it and now I don't have the same jealous feelings and my husband is more aware to share the affection around between us when she is here.

So my advice is to give yourself plenty time to adjust, acknowledge your feelings and share them with your husband, don't feel ashamed of normal emotions. Encourage him and your kids to have a relationship with his daughter, as long as it is constructive and positive for you all. And as dizty suggested above, approach her as an adult and get to know her without feeling like you have to be a mother figure in her life. Think of her as a new daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. And communicate, communicate, communicate oh and stick around here so that you can always come and ask for some advice and perspective when you need it.

still learning's picture

I met my bio father when I was 16, I had no idea he even existed before that. Was raised to believe that alcoholic step dad was my real dad. Also had half brother from his then partner (not wife) and other half sisters from other mothers. Just your average hippie family Wink As a young girl I walk into a situation where my fathers partner immediately hated me, her kids hated me, my older half brother was jealous of having a new sibling upset his prince status, my mom was angry and jealous that I was meeting my father and her secret was out. Oh and due to my mom and step father's dysfunction I was in a foster home at that time and my foster family was jealous that I was meeting my "real" family. Needless to say I was a very confused 16 yr old girl that didn't know what to think. Being a teen was hard enough but this one really took the cake. I spent an interesting week with my father and his family then went back to the foster home until I was 18.

I think your feeling are perfectly normal and you'll need time to adjust to this new step daughter in your family. From the girl's point of view. I imagine it is weird and cool for her to all of a sudden have her father and siblings. She probably has no idea how to relate to you or you to her. Give yourself time and talk to a therapist to sort out your feelings if possible. Therapy has saved my sanity since becoming a sm.

LadyA's picture

Umm are we sure this is his daughter and not a side chick?

He hugs and kisses his random 18 year old daughter that he all of a sudden acknowledged?