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no feelings

momof4plus2's picture

Submitted by momof4plus2 on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 3:05pm

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Blended Family Issues

I feel awful and some of my friends even think its weird... but I have no feelings at all for my SS's. ive been in their lives since they were 2 and 7 and I just feel no connection. I'm nice I talk to them when I need to. I just feel in different. SO thinks it awful ( tho I never admit it) he talks to and spends some time with my kids but I just feel awkward around his. Is that weird after 6 years to feel so indifferent to them.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 3:12pm

Well, I'd feel deep and joyful gratitude that I didn't have to hate them. That would be enough for me. And should be for your dh, too.

Glenda's picture

Submitted by Glenda on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 5:12pm

Just because you love the father does not mean you are obligated to love children that are not your own. They are basically children you did not pick, that are around you and you feel you have to engage with. Kids that are close enough to you that you see all the dumb shit they do and games they play, but far enough that you can step back and not get attached. Eek. That is a hefty load. The fact that you asked the question tells me that you had hoped you would have some feeling for them. Good for you and your optimism. I too have made efforts to "love" my SS16. He is polite, educated, articulate, and when expectations are low, he can be a pleasant child to be around. BUT the manipulation has pushed a wedge between us. We see the hurt children can inflict on the person we love. Why SHOULD you love them? Because they are kids? Because they are HIS kids?

I lack the superpowers necessary to love the child right now. Keep your heart open, but ultimately, it is your decision and your feelings that matter.

It often goes from engaging to tolerating. I'll take the second option for 200 Alex

brandtbaby's picture

Submitted by brandtbaby on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 5:25pm

Try to find the small things about them that make them special and unique. When they are on your last nerve, find something to be grateful for, no matter how small. Usually when I try this I can stand a bit more whomever I am dealing with.

Maybe you will never love them, but if you can learn to respect them and see their good qualities, you might be able to stand being around them and maybe not so indifferent.

redtiger74's picture

Submitted by redtiger74 on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 9:40pm

I think it's totally normal. The most I feel for SS6 is mild annoyance, while the majority of the time I feel indifference. Feelings can't be forced. They have to be allowed to evolve without interference from DH or the other powers that be (in laws, etc...). You might come to love the skids at some point and you might not. And that's okay. Things will end badly if you try to force yourself to feel something that's not real or true.