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very hurt

fedupskiddad's picture

To keep it short I'm just going to be blunt. I know christmas isn't about the presents but I cant help and feel very disgusted and hurt. For me getting gifts isn't about just getting junk that's thrown to the side but to get things for my wife and son and step sons that are meaningful. I took the boys to a place in the mall and they each got there mom an engraved thoughtful gift and I went to the jewelry store and got her a bracelet to match her ear rings and necklace I got her this summer. So fast forward to yesterday we go to get MIL a present. So they all setle on body sprayWTF.My ss sons 11 and 12 are fkin acting a fool all day. My parents stop by and give them a card with 80 bucks in it for them. OMG I'm so pissed. They got a quick thanks and then totally ignored. You could tell my mom was hurt. Im so fkin done. My wife got me a t-shirt I wanted and my ss12 got me a tape measure. To be honest the kid I want to just throat punch most days got me the most thoughtful gift (I build houses. I was bitching the other day about not having a spare tape. Its metric and American and not an easy read.). Score one for the most selfish 12 year old I've ever met. Im just done. After today I'm done helping with them. I will put my bio son 2 1/2 in a daycare of my choice and pay my own fkin bills. I could go on and on about how thoughtless and rude my wife and her two boys are but I'm just to tired of it. Im not trying to even turn this into a who got what but it just hurts when u put thought and effort into thongs for your family to be just kicked in the gut. Not to mention 2 straight days of big crowds andbhsving panic attacks (army ptsd) and then wife making fun of you for getting teary eyed when telling her how grateful you are a week ago. Next year my bio son and I are spending christmas at the VA volunteering. I had all three boys shopping while she got to go with her mom to a steak house and eat and get a few drinks. So I got stuck with two boys that are ungrateful,theiving , manipulative, lying boys and a 2 1/2 year old in potty tranning by myself shopping for two days and she wonders why I'm stressed and snapped at her last night. Baggage humbug lol.

simifan's picture

{{{{Hugs}}}}
That sucks. Hoping you find something joyous about the holiday anyways.

simifan's picture

{{{{Hugs}}}}
That sucks. Hoping you find something joyous about the holiday anyways.

Indigo's picture

It does stink. It's not about the stuff, but you're right: it's about the time, effort and thought. That translates as love and caring for most of us.

Stormyweather's picture

I didn't even get a thank you, or a merry Christmas from my brother and his wife, after sending over everyone a present interstate, including their twin boys.

This happened last year too....but this year I sent them anyway, (being the better person) knowing full well I wouldn't get a thank you.

I genuinely sent them because I wanted to.

I still feel good about myself, because Im the nicer person, and he still is an arse. }:)

jumanji's picture

Wait - your wife got you something you wanted. Your SS that you despise got you a gift w/thought. And you're ticked off?

fedupskiddad's picture

My wife bought me a couple things I wanted before christmas. I was trying to be short in my post. They were things I was going to buy myself to begin with. As for my SS he admitted it was the only thing he seen on the table at school for secret Santa.

jumanji's picture

It's all in the way you see it, I guess. Kid got the "only thing he saw on the table at school" that SDad might like/appreciate, and it's not good enough. Can't win for losing.

As for your wife.... You're right. It is horrible of her to buy you things she knew you wanted, even if you were going to get them anyway. What a selfish, thoughtless person you are married to. /sarcasm

Not everyone is great at gift-giving. Now you know to provide a specific wish list for those occasions.

fedupskiddad's picture

My wife bought me a couple things I wanted before christmas. I was trying to be short in my post. They were things I was going to buy myself to begin with. As for my SS he admitted it was the only thing he seen on the table at school for secret Santa.

fedupskiddad's picture

Well the tape measure was kinda thoughtful it fkin METRIC how in the hell am I going to use a metric tape in America. Lol. He only got it from his own admission because ivwas basically the only thing lefy. My parents are so freaking pissef. The boys both got over 150 in cash and gift cards between both sets of MY parents and not one fkin thank you was said. My ss sons steal on christmas day and there mom rewards them . Dont getme wrong I love the T shirt. It says "Dysfunctional veteran leave me alone" on the back . The point is I was already going to order that and the matching hoodie online for myself . I used to write her a letter every morning before I left and leave it by her bed. Im the one who cooks dinner at least 4 nights a week shes made 3 dinners in a year and a half. I get told constantly how we need a date night but I tske all the kids shopping while she goes to a steak house with her mom for dinner and drinks and she w ounders why I wouldn't kiss her when she got home. Uhh I spent years in the bottle after the army and have been sober for over a year and a half. " cant stand the smell or taste of booze. I dont care if she has a drink or two. People drinking around me dosnt bother me but dont go out to an expensive dinner and get lit while im getting you thoughtful gifts worth over 300 dollars and expect me to be happy.

fedupskiddad's picture

Update.

Well not only did I not get a fkin thing my two step sons decided to steal all of the candy there grand mother put into LABELED buckets with my neices and nephews NAMES on them. I lost it. This is the third time in a week and a half ss11 has got cought stealing and my SS12 is on probation for credit card fraud for over 3 grand. How does mommy help in raising them. She fking takes them to I HOP and rents them a movie yesterday while I'm at work . Then to boot after working all day I walk up our steps and ss 11 is playing with h oou a remote control helicopter and SS12 is stuffing his fat face with candy. Im already pissed at the lack of follow through on her part and I shit u not as . Im in the shower she tells me that she dosnt have it in her to stay mad or upset at them. Oh yeah that right I guess being all nicev is why his P.O. is ready to let him off aftrer only a couple of months. Mommy gives a glowing report. She thinks I overreactec when I broke all the arrows to ss11 bow I got him for Christmas right in front of him. Told him ill buy new ones when I can trust him again. I told he no im sick of being lied to stolen from and jyst plane being used and manipulated. So now its my fault they get rewarded for bad behavior. We went on thebporch to have a smoke and I let her speak her mind and I just shut up aft err finally eating at 830 last night. For over a half hour all heard was excuse after excise why they do the h things they do. And was told yet agai about how she dosnt hhave it in her to stay upset. She even told me that its unfair to not have time limits on punishments i agrer with her but to basicaly fkin reward them the next day.wtf. . I know in my heart this isnt gping to last. I shouldve stayed gone a couple I months ago when I left but insted I met with her and our pastor and was guilted into returning (long story). I literaly hate even just hearing the boys voices or even seeing them.im so at a loss at how or what to do. There's a lot more details to what I posted but im sick of excuses. I have done more than any other person has ever done for those two boys. Even my wifes brothers and sisters are surprised I came back and worked it out. HER OWN FAMILY . I love her but I dont know how much more I can tske of this. U gggg shouldve just stayed gone

still learning's picture

"I broke all the arrows to ss11 bow I got him for Christmas right in front of him. " Just wondering what you think you're teaching your step son by breaking his toys? Your 2 1/2 year old is going to do naughty things eventually too. Are you going to break his toys when he misbehaves? You could use some parenting classes and counseling IMHO.

fedupskiddad's picture

Sorry about all the miss spelled words and grammar. Im doing this on a smart phone with auto correct turned off and im typing with my thumb. Every time I type or misspell it sends me directly to the top of the page. Its sad that its saturday morning and I wish I was at work. I talked to my step mom yesterday. Shes been with my dad for over 15 years and I put her through hell. I love her more than words can express. She helped me get sober after coming homerom the army and having a really bad 3 years They almost arrested her on assault 2 years ago in the hospital when she punched me while I wad strapped to the bed lmao. (Suicide attempt that nearly succeed. Lost a buddy overseas and drinking didn't help) shes even asking me why I came back to this. I guess I dont want to fail. Failure is not and option for an infantryman. I feel like im banging my head bbc.co on the wall and w oundering why I have a headache lol. Its funny how you can see it in front of you but not correct the situation.

ltman's picture

Not failure to leave an untenable situation, more like a tactical withdrawal.

Did you get a head injury while in service?

fedupskiddad's picture

No head injury while in. I decided it was a good idea to cage fight when I got out and well a severe concusionn with swelling of the brain didnt feel to good. I was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis three months ago after 6 months of debilitating pain in my ankles wrists and fingers.i dont whine about it. I get up take my steroids and put my boots on and go frame houses (mansions) all day. Tactical withdrawal. I love the sound of that. I so want to wake my ss sons up with a flash bang and screaming some mornings just to get there entitled lazy butts outa bed lol

ltman's picture

Dollar store has a small airhorn that works just as well. And it is more legal than a flash bang. And to be really annoying you can sound it anytime ya want. Lol.

The concussion you got cage fighting is a head injury. How long ago was it? Things like concussions can really mess with your reactions to things years after it happened. Check out tbi.org. Makes us more vulnerable to manipulation.

still learning's picture

Lower your expectations and you'll be a lot happier.

If your parents want to give the kids money in the future have them do it by placing funds in a CD, savings or college account for them.

For 11 and 12 yr old boys "acting a fool all day" is the norm. I have 4 boys, I know.

BTW, I hope you thanked the 12 yr old. It was very thoughtful and sweet that he really listened to you and tried to fill a need.

onthefence2's picture

My skin just crawled a little. You just put "Lower your expectations and you'll be a lot happier," and "For 11 and 12 yr old boys "acting a fool all day" is the norm. I have 4 boys, I know."

Acting a fool all day because they are boys is no excuse. And no, it is not "the norm." My son is 13 and has never caused any trouble, or "acted a fool" like anything described here. Stop lowering your expectations. There are a lot of idiotic kids out there just looking for trouble. And when you get them in a group, it's like a pack of dogs. One bad seed brings down the whole lot. They don't learn any differently if we have lowered our expectations. I have dated men with these boys and it's why {thank God} I'm still single.

still learning's picture

It must be nice to have the perfect mini adult. Is he an only child? I hope he never disappoints you and actually acts his age. Thank God you are single, I can't imagine anyone taking on your holier than thou attitude. How could anyone possibly live up to your standards.

onthefence2's picture

You are funny. Of course he does stuff all the time. And I discipline him. And no, he isn't an only child and he fights like mad with his sister. But he isn't out of control, he doesn't steal, he doesn't approve of illegal and immoral behavior, he is not destructive, and he doesn't put up with others who are. Because those are my expectations. MOST of the problems in this forum come down to one parent or the other not parenting their kids properly, which comes down to expectations that are too low. When we expect more from our kids, they tend to meet those expectations.

still learning's picture

High, unrealistic, expectations cause disappointment. This is why divorce rates are so high, the perfect partner doesnt exist, the perfect children do not exist. The perfect step children are in the realm of fantasy! Dont expect your partner or children to be more than a human can be.

And your skin is crawling because the air is so thin up there on your high horse.

still learning's picture

Nice list. Perhaps OP can follow some of those rules for himself.

Respect, perhaps being thankful for the gifts he was given by his wife and step children instead of acting like a spoiled brat that he didn't get more. Perhaps if he modeled that ss's may have been more thankful for the money they were given by OP's parents.

Don't break the law, destruction of property is breaking the law. How is a kid supposed to learn not to do that when his step parent is doing it right in front of him.

Have manners...blah blah... If a parent is losing it and going off the handle at the kids how in the world are they supposed to learn to have manners?

OP can own his mistakes, imperfections, apologize and do better in the future.

Personally I don't think step parents should be doing any of the discipline. OP needs to step way back and let DW discipline her own kids and deal with the fallout of her own parenting decisions. All my DH says is "you heard what your mother said."

I have extremely low expectations and I'm very happy. I don't yell at the kids unless they're in danger. No coddling or helicoptering. Mainly focusing on their positive behavior. Taking away and loss of privileges when they misbehave, yes but not angrily breaking their possessions. Discipline ie teaching and instruction in life can be positive.

We can agree to disagree on this point while I sit back, drink my coffee and glance at my 15 yr old's straight A report card and track medals. Also my 12 yr old's MMA belts, oh and my 18 yr old who will graduate soon positive comments from his teacher about his work in the community. Then there's my 8 yr old who is in the Talented and gifted program. Finally my DD who is interviewing for her first job today.

still learning's picture

I know all to well about PTSD since my first husband was military. I also know OP shouldn't be doing the bulk of parenting his step sons and OP needs some professional help. No need for me to walk in anyone else's shoes since I've tread miles in heavy combat boots. I've learned a lot and am still learning.

fedupskiddad's picture

I agree with part of what you said STILL LEARNING I respectfully disagree with the breaking of things. I have tried EVERY avenue with both of the boys. From grounding to racking the yard to hour long talks. The other night I just had it. I broke his arrows to get the point across to him. I did explain later why I did what I did to him. Both of these boys are the type thst honestly just dont give two shots aboit anyone but themself. My wife was a single mom for the past 8 years due to there dad going to prison. His rights have been terminated. He committed federal fraud, raped his sister in law and molested his kids. So when he lefy she worked full time and made every excuse in the world for the way they act. . I mean when we met the 12 year old knew every password to her bank account her pay pal and knew how much mommy made. She has had numerous boyfriends that have came and went. I sit back and listen to her talk and I hear the common theme that there was no discipline with her boys. She was engaged for 2 years to one guy guy and I quote "I was with him because I thought he would be good to you two. I thought he would help raise you." Yes she actually said thst to her boys infront of me. She even told me inthe car other night that she didnt know how she was going to be able to afford her old place after he moved out. The same place I moved into without knowing that.my SS12 has physically attacked me three times. The last timevwss the day before his first PO appointment. We went and I listened to her give a glowing report to the lady and my wife got pissef every time I opened my mouth.SS11 has been babied and given EVERYTHING he wants and I cought on the first month to that. . He would lie and steal from mom grandma or even the store. I knew for a few months that he's been ganking candy and toys but couldnt prove it. My biggest battle is I have to sit back and let it blow up in my wifes face so she can see it. DTZYBLND is right that I will not lower my expetations. These two boys have learned to manipulate lie and steal without remorse or consequence for years. I told them both the other night that if ithappens one second after they turn 17 out the door they go. I mean to come home and see through the window my wife blindly sitting at he table while they are playing with to us from christmas the day after they got cought and to have her tell me she didnt know the punishment that I layed out.so thstths ts why they got rewarded with I HOP and a movie. I have stepped back since then. . My 2 1/2 son has a severe allergy to corn so he has a special di etc including snacks. Came out this morning and ss12 has ate half the box we bought my son. After We went to bed. stuff like that Is why im at this point of frustration. Total lack of respect and no lasting consaquance. Well im off. Gotta get everyone up for church. And put on my happy face.

Kat67's picture

BF got me a sauna suit "as a joke" and men's socks also a "joke" since my feet are always cold and since my feet are big (size 10) I hate big winter boots. I have been trying to lose some weight and I am very self conscious of the it. I have gained 20 lbs since moving in with SO, I am not big but bigger than I ever have been. I am so pissed, when I said I was taking it back he told me I was 'too sensitive and couldn't take a joke" and that I am "a stiff and have no sense of humor" I actually specifically asked for something (because he asked), told him where to buy it and how much it would be...the only thing I wanted was that.

Not only did I get him some things for his photography hobby, that I searched for for a few weeks and a online photography class for outdoor photographers he loved both (told everyone at the christmas party) and was really surprised. I also got his kid his most favorite gift this year and found the gift that BF got for him which the kid also loved. I was really disappointed but I don't even know why, last year I got canning jars.

123 days til I can get the EFF out.